Let's just get this out of the way right at the beginning: Porsha Stewart did in fact live up to the hype. She dragged Kenya Moore across that Real Housewives of Atlantareunion stage by her hair like she was a battery-operated real live pageant doll. The queen is down – off with her head! I was shocked. I was stupefied. I literally had flashbacks of my childhood [illicit] Dynasty watching days. Alexis Carrington lives again. Hey – there were just as many sequins flying.
Shockingly no one lost a garment – except Cynthia Bailey whose entire boob popped out as she leaped up to avoid the fight. Andy Cohen claims he was trying to stop things, but let's be frank he's less than useless. He was afraid. He was like a little yappy dog barking on the periphery of two big dogs going head to head. Boy – have several seats. Go ask NeNe Leakesto hold you in her lap, stroke your head, and tell you it's OK. Poor Andy – his own monster is turning on him. It's eating him alive.
So that happened. And it was not unprovoked. It was not all together unwarranted, but it was totally unacceptable. And at the very least, we learned that either Kenya has the best weave in the world or we just got confirmation that is real hair.
It's Dr. Drewtime… I hope you stretched your eyeballs because they're about to be doing a lot of rolling. And if you're wearing false eyelashes because you want to look just like your favorite Teen Mom 2 star, I suggest you take them off for fear of injury during this reunion.
The set this year is really something – don't you love the giant TM2 letters with glittering lights. Things begin with all four girls on stage. Jenelle Evans has been taking hair tips from Chelsea Houska (but Megan is her terrible hairsome clone!) – same color red, same teased style, other than that she looks very pretty and natural. Dr. Drew asks Jenelle how Jace is. She answers, "Ummmm… who? Oh yeah… ummm… oh he hasn't been paying rent so yeah!"
Chelsea's eyelashes are a travesty. Mind you, this is her profession… Lord help South Dakota.
My personal opinion is that waiting too long (over a year) between seasons leaves viewers uninvested in storylines and confused. I mean we don't even remember why Aviva Drescher started hating Ramona Singer or when LuAnn de Lesseps became besties with Heather Thomson. Or when Sonja Morgan last wore underpants. It's just too frazzled. It's like trying to decipher the product names in an iKea catalog. While it's all kindsa topsy-turvy drama, it all revolves around Meviva – just the way she likes it!
Aviva is one of those women who is validated by attention – any attention – which is why she keeps confabulating drama that centers around sheer ridiculous-ness. She seemingly doesn't care how idiotic she looks so long as she's being focused upon and talked about. And God bless the crazy train of her thoughts because it's working!
I don't know what I more saddened to learn about last night's Dance Moms…that it was ninety minutes long or that that it was the mid-season finale. Seriously, Lifetime? MID-SEASON? This season has been going on since before MacKenzie was born–at least that's how it feels! Of course, we finally got to meet the new team that Abby Lee Miller has been threatening to introduce for decades!
The super-sized episode begins with Abby returning to the studio after the death of her mother. Her dancers share their condolences, and once again, both Maddie and I are in tears. Abby cuts through the emotional moment by forging ahead with the pyramid. Chloe is on the bottom due to her fifth place solo finish, with Nia following. Kalani rounds out the bottom tier for not standing out in group number. Kendall is in the third spot for her second place solo. Maddie is in second, with MacKenzie on the top for balancing dance and her It's a Girl Party video…which, by the way, is available for download on Lifetime. Do people really buy these things?
On last night's season premiere episode of 16 And Pregnant a 16-year-old high school junior from Tinley Park, Illinois named Maddy Godsey got pregnant after a one-night stand. Besides the obvious one night stand with NO PROTECTION and a dual-colored hair that seems to have a shaved widows peak in the front, Maddy seemed fairly mature and responsible – and recognized that her 'hook-up' Cody Jensen was definitely not boyfriend material.
Maddy is a high school volleyball and basketball player who has a ton of friends (and a penchant for zebra-print; a nice change from the omnipresent leopard on these shows). She lives with her mom and three siblings, including a little sister who is only a few months old. She has a good relationship with both her parents, who are divorced. Her father lives about an hour away. Maddy had a long-term boyfriend and after he broke up with her she met Codyon Facebook and the two had a one-night stand.
TamraBarney Judge and Eddie are working hard at CUT Fitness and after 8 months in business are breaking even. Good for them! She compares the venture to having a newborn and then mentions that Eddie is five-years-younger than her and the deep sexy voice (debatable) he uses to teach classes gets all the ladies' revved up. It makes Tamra jealous – and insecure about her age. Tamra says she's doing everything she can to look younger. We can tell….
Before we start off with the recap, I'd like to congratulate Cameran Eubanks on her wedding this past weekend. My friend said it was a beautiful event–incredibly classy, but not the least bit pretentious, which is the impression I think we all get from the Southern Charm star. Guests feasted on barbeque and fried chicken while dancing outside at a plantation about an hour outside of Charleston. Cameran's dress was gorgeous, and my friend managed to snap a picture with Whitney Sudler-Smith. She said she didn't want to give Shep Rose the satisfaction of asking. As for Thomas Ravenel? Apparently T-Rav, Kathryn Dennis, and new daughter Kensington are now living in Florida so they were not in attendance. So, I guess he won't be throwing his name in the hat for the Senate race? Thanks for taking one for the team, Florida!
Last night's episode had the gang heading out to Shep's family farm for some hunting and man time. Something tells me these folks shouldn't have access to firearms and Fireball at the same time. The show begins where last week's ended…with Kathryn storming out because T-Rav wouldn't defend her to Craig. J.D., Shep, and Danni are the only guests left, and Shep is dumbfounded that Craig (who is nuttier than a fruitcake in his opinion) would bring such drama to the meal. T-Rav then enlightens us as to the difference between people from the North and those from the South. Southerners will sleep around as much as they damn well please, but they would never talk about it at a dinner party! Danni explains to Thomas that Kathryn is hurt he didn't defend her honor. Luckily for T-Rav (and for anyone driving around South of Broad on the evening in question), a wasted Kathryn doesn't get far as her car has been towed. She sulks back into what's left of the party for more vino.
Last night was the season finale of Teen Mom 2. Aaaahhh… Jenelle Evans oh my, my, my. Man every single season this girl does something to make me think less of her. I mean just when I think she can't top getting arrested for heroin after marrying someone she barely knows, she goes and makes a baby with another lunatic she barely knows not 3 months after having an abortion.
For all of that, I felt a little bad for Jenelle last night – if only because it became more than abundantly clear that she is not right. Nathan Griffithis a sociopath. Something is seriously wrong with him. We will be seeing him as the subject of a Dateline NBC mystery where he has done something truly heinous.
And also, this recap is sponsored (kidding, not really) by the maternity lingerie photo of Kailyn Lowry and topless Javi Marroquin that is framed above their bed. At least Snuffy was smiling and that may be the only smiling photo of her I've ever seen!