Recaps

Vanderpump Rules Season 4 Cast

Vanderpump Rules returns for its fifth season tonight. That means we’ve endured four seasons of binge drinking, bar fighting, cheating scandals, bad boyfriending, bad girlfriending, bad friending, b’atrocious fashions from bad employees who are slinging shots while slinging mud whilst trying Lisa Vanderpump‘s patience! But success tastes like a Pumptini after a long day at Bravo, so before we head into season five – which promises another wedding with another bad wedding gown – let’s refresh our drink-addled memories with a toast to all the craziness from last season!

Because as unrealistic as it is to imagine 30-something bartenders and waitresses who have not evolved at all in their lives and are still bickering over the same puerile topics, we’re all kinda obsessed with the show. Below is a rundown of Vanderpump Rules biggest dramas and scandals from season 4!

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Porsha Crashes Kenya's Party - Sheree reacts

Only on Bravo would an unfinished mcmansion-off be an important event. And with that subject in mind returns Real housewives Of Atlanta. We have waited for months – and in one case YEARS – to spy the unfinished results of Moore Manor and Chateau Sheree, and finally our prayers have been answered. I was not disappointed.

AlsoSheree Whitfield – do not ever leave me again! She is my all-time favorite Housewife and it feels wonderful to finally come clean about this. LONG LIVE She By SheShade! Sheree was in top-notch form for her anointed return, deftly deflecting Kenya Moore‘s homesteading hostilities with a dismissive side-eye and at one point, a sip of what I do believe was a twenty-two through a straw. You can build a liberry in the ChateauNoNo, but you can’t take the bubbling shade out of our Sheree!

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90 Day Fiance recap

There are two things that frustrate me about 90 Day Fiance: 1) That it is not on every single night of the week, and 2) That the seasons are so flipping short! Because seriously, each couple in this series – past and present – could realistically anchor their very own reality show. It’s a virtual cornucopia of dysfunction up in here! TLC, listen up: We want more. Nay – We need more! Hire more cameramen, give the editors a raise, convince the government to increase the K1 visa from 90 to 400 days. Do what you have to do, people!

Last night, we did get a bit more from “Happily Ever After,” which ended its short season, then followed up with the couples on a “Tell All” reunion afterward. (As usual, we’ll be recapping the current season only – but feel free to comment on 90DF disasters past and present below!) As season four winds down, the fiances are facing reality in varying degrees. But somewhere on the scale of Jorge’s frightening masochism, to Narkyia’s deep delusion, Nicole has found her way to something even more hilarious: Self Righteousness. Yes, she is the tortured victim in her very tiny mind. Danielle 2.0 is following in Danielle 1.0’s footsteps quite nicely, eh?

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Dont be tardy kim

On last night’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy, Kim Zolciak Biermann had to brave the mean streets of Los Angeles without the protection of chef Tracey husband Kroy Biermann. Of course, life of a wannabe momager isn’t always easy, and if she’s going to help skyrocket her twin Brielle and foul mouthed KJ into super stardom. Who do you think would win in a cage match between Kim and Kris Jenner?

The episode begins with Kim complaining about how often Tracey prepares fettuccine alfredo. Sure, Kim loves pasta and eats it everyday, but Kroy deserves something fancier in the kitchen. Tracey would love to get to use her actual culinary skills, but (shocker!), her talent is lost on the Biermanns. She admits that when she started cooking for the family, she made everything from scratch with fresh ingredients, but gave up when it became obvious that they preferred canned crap. Tracey cites being the Biermanns’ cook has been the most difficult experience of her career…and she was on Top Chef. Kroy insists he’s a foodie, although he’s never heard of exotic foods such as flank steak and tomatoes. Tracey promises to wow them with an upscale menu when they return from Los Angeles. They are taking Brielle to meet with Access Hollywood and have arranged for two huge casting agencies to fight over who will reap the benefits of KJ’s future celebrity.

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Little Women LA Season Finale

Call me a cynic, but I think this season of Little Women: LA was extended for the express purpose of showcasing Terra Jole’s first training session for Dancing With The Stars, which she does on last night’s finale. The issues between Christy McGinty Gibel, Briana Renee, and Terra were pretty much corked up during Tonya Banks’ survival retreat last week, after all.

But production Elena Gant thinks it might be worth one more try! So she gets the ladies together for a “land sailing” day in one final attempt to heal that which will never be healed: The bruised egos within this group. (Does anybody else get the sense that this might be Elena’s final swan song on LWLA? She seems Totally. Over. It.) Despite the one-track storyline of Christy v. Everybody this season, I do still hold out hope for this show, which I’ve truly loved watching over the years. So c’mon, ladies, rally! I just can’t quit you!

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IF

Say #What?  Survivor‘s post-Halloween episode tonight was fittingly part trick and part treat, ending on what may just be the most shocking and intense blindside yet this season.  Jeff Probst promised the game-play was going to ramp up as this season progressed, and he has uncharacteristically not over-hyped things thus far.

We’re going to get into everything that went down tonight, and analyze the shocking end of the episode that surely will create ripple effects through the rest of the season.  Here’s your second-to-last spoiler warning, so stop reading if you have yet to watch Episode 7 of Survivor.

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Dance Moms

Thank you, Lifetime! My prayers have been answered. Last night’s Dance Moms episode was only an hour long. Finally! I never thought this day would come! We are back to some semblance of structure. Abby Lee Miller is actually present for the pyramid! If that’s not enough, Jill Vertes gets to throw out her favorite word–favoritism–regarding the minis. It’s status quo once again!

In case you missed the first fifteen hours of this season, Jill is sick and tired of the mini team taking Abby’s attention away from Kendall and the elite team. However, she’s the loudest to cheer when Abby announces yet again that the minis’ latest group routine garnered the most points. In fact, it’s Holly Frazier who is first to challenge Abby regarding the drama surrounding last week’s competition. Kira happily joins in and Jill quickly stops cheering and starts chastising. Stacey, the only mini mom whose name I’ve chosen to learn, is very vocal about how horrible the veteran moms are. Lather, rinse, repeat, week after week, season after season.

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Nico-Sholly-Pointing-Below-Deck

On last night’s Below Deck, the guests are vomiting, the pool almost drifts out to sea, trouble brews between the newly besotted duo of Emily Warburton-Adam and Ben Robinson, and Ben’s open resentment of Kate Chastain grows. Kelley Johnson is also not having a stellar week as tension continues to rise between Captain Lee Rosbach and him.

But none of that really matters because this happens: Kyle Dixon confesses that he “came out” to his parents at one point in his life, and that he prefers sex with transgender partners.

Okay. Either Kyle is desperately trying to take the place of Trevor Walker as most bizarre deckhand ever, or he’s hatching a cover story to mask his icky feelings after Sierra Storm stone cold rejected him last week. In any case, our boy Kyle appears to be TOTALLY INSANE!

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