So last night was really something! Was this DYNASTY orReal Housewives of Miami? I mean a pool fight between queens? Angry ladies in negligees screaming? Champagne glasses being flung? Bitchslapping and accusations flying? Booze and bitching galore? I love it
And in the center of it all stood a series of blurred out nipples over surgically altered boobs. Just the casualties of a lingerie party, I suppose.
Joanna Krupa is a curious case, isn't she? She's pretty as an angel but she's like a Transformer. She appears like an apparition all soft blonde light and sparkling blue eyes, sweet pink pout and then BOOM! Her hair turns to razor blades that will slice you, her mouth is filled with fire, bullets flying from her nipples (all three of them!), and her eyes become like shards of glass. Joanna will cut a bitch. She will stalk her prey and maul them like a wild beast hungry for dinner. Maybe that's the problem – none of these ladies eat enough and the hunger drives them crazy.
DeAynni Hatley takes her role as the Big Rich Texas club social chair very seriously. Her latest idea is archery lessons. For good measure, she adds, "Welcome to Texas, Bitches."
Bonnie Blossman and Melissa Poe declare their love for archery and dish about Cindy Davis. Bonnie and Melissa do not understand why Leslie Birkland has become such good friends with Cindy. A few of the daughters, Alex, Shaye, and Maddie, also enjoy the archery lesson. Maddie asks Alex why her mom isn't there. Alex says Cindy is out to lunch with Leslie, adding that her mom wants her to be independent. Shaye pretty much says her mother smothers her. Melissa, Maddie's mom, is a nice middle.
Moving on to Leslie and Cindy's lunch date, Leslie welcomes Cindy to the crazy club. Talking about Cindy and Bonnie's blow up at the BBQ, Cindy thinks Bonnie only lost her cool because someone was talking to her husband. Leslie says that Bonnie once told her she keeps Jason at home as much as possible so no other women can hit on him. Leslie warns Cindy, "Bonnie is going to come after you again." Leslie's couch confessionals (well, her normal conversations, too) drive me nuts. There's something about her voice and scripted lines that irk me.
DeAynni hires a PR company to help her launch Texas Diva Remodeling and Construction. The first order of business… branded cocktails. Of course. The company suggests a logo and launch party, also. DeAynni says, "This Texas Diva launch party is going to be the event of the year." Is it just me or does she say that about every party she organizes?
Last night's Jersey Shore was a refreshing break from constant partying. I don't care who knows it, I love these kids. It would be a dream come true for me to spend some time hanging out with Pauly and Vinny. They are just too funny!
We begin asDeena Cortese is arrested for dancing in the streets. Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola is crying that her friend is being taken away, but Ronnie Ortiz-Magro has been through this several times. She'll get a couple hours in the drunk tank, and then she'll be released. He believes that to honor their fallen meatball, they must keep drinking. Shots it is! Meanwhile, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Vinny, Guadagnino and DJ Pauly D Delvecchio go tanning at the tanning salon where Paula works. The Situation has decided he's going to ask her to be his girlfriend. She deserves the title after all of the good sex and chocolate covered strawberries. After, they head to the sporting goods store to find some Sunday Funday activities. They buy out the store, including, but not limited to, a punching dummy, a fishing pole, and a stroller. Mike purchases the stroller for Snooki in hopes that it will help her to forgive him. Pauly knows she'll never accept the gift in a million years, but he thinks it's fun to watch. He's right.
Back at home, Ronnie and Sam tell Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Jenni "JWoww" Farley about Deena's predicament. Since they are both wasted and Jenni is on crutches, Snooki is enlisted to drive to the jail to bail out Deena. Snooki is proud of her fellow meatball, but I think she says it best when she says it's a pretty messed up world when she's considered the most responsible. Truer words have never been spoken. When they arrive at the jail, they are greeted by Deena's parents. Rookie mistake, according to Rawn. When you get arrested at the Shore, you call your roommates, not mom and dad. Once her parents pick her up, she is treated to quite the lecture.
Aaaahhh… Miami a town where boobs come out to support charity. And not just the kind of boobs stuffed in a bra. Some of those boobs go by the name Joe Francis.
Last night on Real Housewives of Miami there was a ton of T&A – meaning a lot of trashiness and a lot of asses. Poor Fembot Fakenstein got it into her pretty little head that she could upstage the mighty Lea Black, Miami's resident charity queen (maybe?), by hosting a lingerie party to support Susan G. Komen. I bet Susan is so proud.
So Fembot invited 800 of Lenny's boob goddesses, asked them to wear the stuff they normally wear to the supermarket and show up at her house, checks drawn and appetite for liquor, drama, and camera time at the ready. Actually I feel bad for Lisa, I think she really thought this would be a fun event and didn't get the memo that Bravo ruins everything. Better luck next time, toots!
Jeff begins by ruthlessly teasing Jenni about her breast size and asking if she's lactating. A shot gun wedding-not! Jenni knows he will only get worse until the wedding is over. The more irritated she gets, the more he needles her. Jenni tries to distract him by giving him his tasks for the wedding weekend. Jeff feels like she's become one of his clients.
We're taken back to four years ago when Jenni was married to her first husband Chris who also worked for Jeff. Zoila informed Jeff that Chris would lock himself in Jeff's office when Jeff was gone, so he installed cameras. Jeff discovered that Chris was going through his files and talking to other women. He was forced to tell Jenni what he'd learned and she was devastated. He feels responsible for her divorce, but he always knew she'd find a much better guy.
Draya Michele and Malaysia Pargo are meeting up to discuss…well, Jackie. It seems that she is the only topic anyone speaks about on this season! Draya reveals that she will never be on board with a Jackie friendship and she is certainly not going to her eighty-eighth wedding. Draya doesn't see Jackie's vow renewal at a gay club as a tribute to homosexuals. She sees it as a slap in the face as the gay community is forced to watch a straight couple get married knowing that gay couples don't have the same rights. Malaysia hadn't thought about it in those terms, and honestly, neither had I! BrookeBailey arrives dressed to the nines, and Malaysia tells the other women she really doesn't want to go to the wedding, and she feels like Jackie used her to get back into the group and then just dumped her. She plans to pull Jackie aside at the rehearsal (they've done this forty-seven times…do they really need a practice round?) to share her feelings. That should go over well!
Because Bravo knows a good thing when it sees it, last night we were treated to even more madness from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. While the season was supposed to be over after the reunion trilogy (The Hunger Games it was not), the network decided to milk a little bit more out of the women and the viewers. So it is without further ado, I present to you the lost footage from season four. It's actually very telling to see what ended up on the cutting room floor, and what's being revisited in light of the ongoing feud surrounding Teresa Giudice and everyone elseMelissa Gorga. Editing truly is magical!
Narrated by Andy Cohen, the episode takes us behind the scenes of what happened during the season and at the far-too-drawn-out reunion. Buckle up (if you haven't boycotted the show yet!), and enjoy the bumpy ride with Melissa, Teresa, Caroline Manzo, Jacqueline Laurita, and Kathy Wakile. It's truly a sight.
We begin with a lost cause…Andy is trying to convince Juicy Joe (once again) that homophobic slurs are offensive and nasty. Joe is all, Ahhwatdisagain? before turning into a brick wall of Who Cares. By the way, did you know that Joe went on a boat ride with seven guys and one of them was gay? He is not a homophobe. The comments he made about Gregg Bennett were meant to be funny, not mean. He's so sorry Greggy doesn't have a sense of humor! Jacqueline tells Andy that she thinks Joe speaks more out of ignorance than maliciousness. Fair enough.
Reality Tea is new to Big Rich Texas. Actually, so am I, so please be kind. There are way too many blondes and annoying voices to keep all of the characters straight. And they're all either holding or throwing wine glasses. Good thing the Hollywood Exes aren't the "Dallas Exes"… one little glass throwing incident sent those women into a tailspin. Their heads would explode over here.
Tuning in for the first time, I didn't know what to expect. I did not anticipate using "vagina" and "booger" in the recap title, that's for sure. Big Rich Texas sure knows how to keep it classy up in their fancy community. I also did not expect… I freaking love this show… in a trashy reality TV/guilty pleasure sort of way. Thank you, Reality Tea readers, for being so vocal about this hidden gem. My life will never be the same. Coincidentally, neither will my liver, because I have a feeling the Big Rich Texas shenanigans are much more fun to watch when paired with a glass of wine or a flask of vodka. Let's get this party started, shall we?
For season three we have Bonnie Blossman, Leslie Birkland, Melissa Poe, Connie Dieb, DeAynni Hatley, and newcomer Cindy Davis. And, of course, their lovely daughters and borrowed pageant girl. Already this season, the ladies have had a botox party, where Melissa and Leslie fought, a casino party, where Melissa and Leslie fought, and a crab boil, where DeAynni slapped her daughter Shaye Hatley. Apparently, it's not the first time this has happened, either. Also, worth mentioning, Bonnie's daughter Whitney Whatley moved in with her boyfriend Booger and Leslie's been bragging about her never-before-seen billionaire boyfriend Kip.
Episode three starts with Leslie's borrowed pageant girl Kalyn Braun lounging by the pool with Tyler and new-on-the-scene Terry. Terry is a jockey at the ranch where Kalyn dresses like a Texan hooker to shovel horse poop. Maddie obsessively plays with her hair and makes fun of Kalyn's new occupation. Why anyone would leave a cupcake shop for a ranch is beyond me. On the couch, Kalyn says there's one big perk to scooping poop, "On my days off, I get to bring the hot boys to the country club. Job with benefits."