Yesterday the cast of Vanderpump Rules hopped on a parade float to act atrociously on slow-motion wheels. The result was horrific.
Things begin with Lisa Vanderpump preparing for the annual SUR gay pride parade float which cues the return of Kevin Lee who was remarkably subdued this episode. Did he get a lobotomy or were Stassi Schroder and Scheana Marie too annoying for me to notice?
Lisa has a meeting in her backyard to let everyone know they'll be impersonating angels on the float – all the boys are wearing Victoria's Secret fashion show cast off wings and Scheana will be shaking her angel-ish-ishy a$$ in a pair of micro-wings. Oh and she'll be singing. "Singing". She's overjoyed. Everyone else dies a slow sinking death.
Every time Scheana autotunes a note, an angel looses its wings and falls from grace! Lisa holds a staff meeting to inform her little devils that they will be undertaking the acting role of their lifetimes. Oh and to remind everyone that Ariana is here to stay and all the rumors better hush-hush or Lisa will force them all to go to hell, which is Stassi's house when she's out of wine and stabbing her Jax Taylor voodoo doll repeatedly and having flashbacks of her pre-chinplant days. The. Horror.
It was the first Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vacation last night and true to form it was like a game of Clue with whodunit and why, with what, where and WTF?
Last night's metaphorical Housewives slayer was none other than Brandi Glanville who could hold neither her alcohol or her tongue. Although she did start out by telling us all the things she likes to do with her tongue or have a tongue to do her when she conducted a little market research for her new book. Yep, sex, wine, and Brandi again… *yawn*
Over at Joyce Giraud's house she's preparing for Palm Springs with a fashion show. Joyce's closet is beautiful. And it houses the entire GoldenGirls wardrobe department archives, including several pair of reproduction hibiscus print culottes.
So last night's Love & Hip Hop was one giant mess, was it not? Peter Gunz keeps getting worse and worse, and the women in his life have got to be the best actresses on the planet because there is no way that they are that stupid. Throw in K. Michelle's attitude, and my head is reeling. You know it's bad when Rich Dollaz and Erica Mena are the sanest folks on the episode!
Saigon invites Erica Jean to the studio to apologize for screaming at her, throwing her pocketbook, lunging at her, calling her every name under the book, and accusing her of stunting their son's development. No biggie. He explains that his father was always so ugly to his mother and it made him hate his dad. He doesn't want his son to see him treating Erica in the same manner. Erica is thrilled that Saigon has seen the light, and he actually rationally and calmly inquires as to whether she'd be alright if they both took their son to see a speech therapist. He knows his son is fine (he's clearly been doing some more googling!), but it can't hurt to see a specialist. Just think of the drama they could have avoided had he done it that way the first time!
As I expected, Reza lashes out at Mike, "How audacious are you to call me to uninvite me to a disgusting float that's an embarrassment to the gay community. I am disgusted." Reza hangs up on Mike, returns to asking Mirror, Mirror who is the finest gay Persian in all of L.A.
Reza later tells Adam that he's furious with Mike – how dare he be excluded from an event?!? But Reza had no issues cheering on his co-stars as they uninvited Mercedes "MJ" Javid and Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi from trips and parties last season. Reza tells Adam he needs time to decompress, which is code for, perfect a sob story that'll help justify his repugnant behavior.
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was um… well, lemme just say this: they need to get a psychiatrist on that show to deal with all the crazies cause they are multiplying faster than we can keep up. Screw a reunion, let's just call Dr. Phil!
Things begin with Kandi Burruss discussing Mama Joyce drama with her assistant/BFF Carmon. They're looking at wedding magazines, but they should have been looking at catalogs for mental hospitals!
Carmon is not happy that Joyce is slandering her all over town by spreading completely baseless rumors that Carmon is sleeping with Todd. All because Todd is hanging in some photos in Kandi's hallway. If I were Todd I would hang the photos of Mama Joyce in the basement – behind the water heater.
I believe Reza had issues with Sasha, but I definitely do not believe this was their first ever encounter. I think Reza is a very mean-spirited and disrespectful person, and the producers used it to their advantage this week.
First up, Mike Shouhed visits a dermatology and hair restoration clinic to find out if his hair needs professional help, as his asshat of a friend Reza has suggested. Then Mike bring Reza for moral support – Mike doesn't need hair help, he needs brain help. Reza never stops making fun of Mike. Mike puffs out his chest and says he's going to shave Reza's head and mustache ("that Burt Reynolds looking mother f–ker") while he's sleeping. Yeah, sure.
So, a doctor examines Mike's full head of thick black hair, then determines he's not balding. What. A. Nail. Biter. But the scene wasn't all for naught – we learn Mike suffers from ear dandruff. As well as poor taste in best friends.
Here's an odd combination: men with breast cancer and burlesque parties for your boss. Or if you are a cast member on Vanderpump Rules it's all in a day's work!
Last night Lisa Vanderpump's business partner Nathalie decided to throw a surprise burlesque party for her husband Guillermo. Naturally they decided it was wholly appropriate for Stassi Schroeder and Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No. 1, Katie Maloney to do a burlesque performance for their boss. Apparently those two loons took burlesque lessons a couple years ago, but they actually suck at burlesque and only took the classes so when they get drunk at the bar they can grind on each other to attract boys.
Stassi suggests that she just shake her fake boobies and call it day. Luckily Nathalie has the foresight to hire real burlesque dancers and they will happily wear nipple tassels. Stassi looks down at her own boobies, realizes they're not nearly as perky and 3… 2… 1… begins stabbing Lari, Kari, and Scari (or whatever their names were) with a feathered headdress.
Last night's Love & Hip Hop episode was as ratchet as ever. I love that each show ends with a mini-brawl. It's by far the most high brow show I'm watching these days…um. Of course, last night made me fall in love with Peter Gunz all over again. Swoon. Damn. I couldn't even type that without gagging a bit.
Peter is trying to figure out which lady in his life deserves more attention. He decides that he needs to focus on Amina Buddafly…after all, she is the potential breadwinner. Peter admits to her that Yandy Smith won't let Rich Dollaz sign her to their label because of her and Petey's messy situation. While she understands, she isn't happy about it. She is his wife now, not his side chick! Keep telling yourself that, hon. She's ready to live as husband and wife now that Tara Wallace knows the truth, but Peter is still spending the night as his kids' house and "working late." Here's a tip, sweetheart. He's not spending the night with his kids, but rather with their mother who may be as stupid as you are. Oh, and that working late thing? Remember when he used to "work late" with you? He's doing that with someone else. However, it's super sweet that Amina believes Peter when he tells her they can't wear wedding rings until he can afford a ring worthy for her. That will happen in about three weeks to never!