Get your Tom + Katie tea towels ready to clean up the muck that has become Vanderpump Rules!
Recovering from Christmas and an ultimate cookie binge, the last thing I’m in the mood for is whining from Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. But, alas, I am nothing if not a consummate professional, so I have wrenched myself from the sluggish glut of a living room filled with wrapping paper (how many calories does wading through wrapping paper burn?) to complete this recap. Happy holidays! Katie just blew her life savings on $18.00 custom tea towels, and her life now consists of hatefully glaring at Tom Schwartz while folding said towels into cardboard boxes, wrapping the whole thing with twine, and mailing it. In case you were wondering wtf: that’s her wedding invite.
Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills always gives us a glimpse of the rare and finer things in life, right?! All the finer things… from fine China to the family jewels…
Lisa Rinna is off to New York to launch Delilah’s career as the next Gigi Hadid. Of course, Lisa acknowledges that Yolanda would have been a great ally and mentor right about now, so too bad about that Munchausen accusation last season. But let’s not dwell on the past, now. Let’s focus on how Lipsa is flying into her (and Delilah’s) future.
In NY, Lipsa meets up with Kyle Richards, who is opening yet another Kyle By KaftansToo (?!?!?!?!) all while wearing yet another goofy, incomprehensible outfit. Shouldn’t she call them like Kyle By MumusForever just for variety?
We pick up just after Caroline has run out to Luke’s waiting car. Juliet Angus, of course, follows her out – hoping to…what? Live-trap her on the front lawn? But Caroline Fleming couldn’t care less! She’s just interested in eating, and eating is what the Baroness shall do! Juliet decides she’ll grandstand with Caroline, so she’s leaving too. Even Julie coming out to extend an olive branch doesn’t work. Caroline is leaving, and that’s that. She sees Adela and Sophie as traitors, with only Juliet in her corner at this point. Julie is just impressed with herself for not bawling uncontrollably. Progress!
It’s a cold day in L.A. before I take Scheana Marie‘s side about anything, but thanks to last night’s Vanderpump Rules that icy apocalypse has arrived.
Does anyone even understand what happened last night? It was essentially 30-year-old women playing drunken telephone as if bringing a stupid bridal party game to real life. Somehow, Stassi Schroeder took a situation that she was not a part of in any way, and through heresy, put her own special Stassi spin on it until it dildo-in-acid exploded on Scheana, soaking her in the bile of bad friendships and her own bad karma.
Last night was the first Brown wedding on Sister Wives…well, the first Brown wedding without Kody Brown as the groom, if you want to get technical. Clearly, it was a two-hour episode, and it begins with the family prepping the venue in Bozeman, Montana. Maddie is stressing over the decorations and timeline while trying not to go batty on her siblings who don’t know the meaning behind a bohemian, sporadic, rustic, free-spirited theme. Kody and Janelle wax poetic about how they saw the spark between Caleb and Maddie when they interacted a few years back at Kody’s brother’s funeral. As you recall, Caleb’s sister is Maddie’s aunt. The wives and Kody think the world of Caleb for how well he took care of his sister after her husband’s passing. Sweetly, Caleb has chosen his nephews as his groomsmen.
The family reminisces over the engagement period, and, not surprisingly, Kody hasn’t even started planning how he will officiate the ceremony. He’s been suffering from insomnia due to the pressure. Maddie isn’t shocked to hear that her dad is so unorganized, and she’s trying her best not to panic. Kody assumed that Caleb’s father, a pastor, would take the reigns, but after recently losing his wife, he wasn’t up to the task. Gracious, could Caleb’s dad be any more precious? Mykelti’s fiancée and his family are going to have some big shoes to fill.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, no one was feeling the love – well, except for Porsha Williams! She got all the love everyone else lost. Does that make up for Kordell locking her out of the house, then throwing away the key?
To prepare for the reality that she finally found a boyfriend who actually wants to be with her, and sensing the possibility that she could really, truly have kids some day, Porsha dresses up in all her fancy clothes to babysit Phaedra Parks‘ sons. After the stress of the bomb threat, Phaedra deserves a night out. Personally, letting Porsha babysit sounds like the blind leading the blind. Ayden and Dylan are actually way smarter than Porsha and ran amok over her.
OK, Don’t Be Tardy fans and haters, we made it through another season of Kim Zolciak Biermann’s life, just barely. Between health scares and the stress of just living la vida Kim, some episodes, we were hanging on by a thread. Or so Kim would have us believe. She still managed to deliver us her most expensive baby yet, her skincare line Kashmere, which I’m sure is selling like hot cakes in the link of her Instagram bio. As for long suffering husband Kroy Biermann, his football career still hangs in the balance (although if you follow any Kim news at all, you already know he was signed and then released from the Buffalo Bills).
Since the launch of Kashmere, Kim has been having some “weird” symptoms that she’s chalking up to the stress of self promoting a skincare line while simultaneously having a birthday party. I mean, can you guys imagine the stress? And you thought your life was hectic *snort*. Anyway, this brings Kim to an appointment with her cardiologist.
The ultimate generational battle between Millennials and Gen-Xers has finally come to an end, and there is a clear winner: Us. Yes, the audience came out on top this time, bearing witness to a great, unpredictable season of Survivor that just kept picking up steam and never stopped getting better. That held true all the way through tonight’s two-hour finale, as well as one of the better, tighter reunion shows in recent memory. It was a fitting end to one hell of a season.
Of course, tonight they crowned the Sole Survivor of Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X, the 32nd person ever to hold that title. Thank you for being here and sticking through this truly great season…and you’ve come this far, so we might as well journey through one last recap before you catch your breath and ready yourself for Season 34 next March (and it looks promising…more on this later). Let’s do this!
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