Recaps

Ariana Madix turns 30

Last night on Vanderpump Rules it was a birthday bonanza! First Ariana Madix channeled her inner child with a potent cocktail of tequila, tears, and trampolines. Then Peter Madrigal channeled his inner manhood with a potent cock-tail of bulldozers, booze, and booty touching in Vegas. Aaaahhh… ain’t nothing like a little boy bonding.

Ariana throws the most major of epic pseudo-kids birthday parties. It was pretty much exactly the same party Kyle Richards throws for Portia, minus the Fat Burger truck, plus an open bar. Ariana rented a bounce house, trampoline, piñata, silly string, face painters, etc. She’s also wearing a bizarre unicorn horn, dangerously protruding from her forehead. It distracts from her side-eye, because it’s like a very pointy third eye. A very pointy third eye aimed directly at Tom 1‘s shenanigans. Concerns: what happens when one mixes a unicorn horn with an inflatable bounce house? Somebody’s bubble is about to get burst!

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RHOA in Miami

Honestly I don’t know what to say about last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Sorry this is late by the way – I was re-playing the ‘Glen Gets Slammed Into The Wall’ scene on repeat until dawn. 

Somewhere Glen Rice Jr. turned to the very dark side. Either he’s a drunk, rude, out of control jerk; or he’s a rude, out of control jerk, but alcohol (+ Kenya Moore?) made things worse! 

I think we can ALL agree we’re not getting the whole story from Bravo. Based on the women’s reactions, Glen’s 0-60 psychosis, plus the 3 mobile refrigerator units that appeared out of nowhere to practice their sumo skills on Glen and living room wall, I’d say some serious SERIOUS information got lost on the editing floor. Right next to Porsha Williams‘ couth, dignity, and trophy wife status! (Did she REALLY admit to a golden shower on television last night? Really?!) 

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Lisa and Lisa go get a pony

Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills traveled the globe in search of magical little ponies and mythical caftans that will disappear all of their gloom. Unfortunately money can’t buy you mini ponies or magic muumuus!

Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump are shopping in Italy. Kyle is wearing – and I really must focus on this for an extended period of time – a cropped, cold-shoulder string-tie MUUMUU shirt, over black PJ pants. With large floppy hat. This woman needs an intervention. NO MORE mom-cazh!

The worst of the worst of the worst is that Lisa and Kyle are shopping in an Italian caftan store. Naturally the conversation flows (see what I did there) towards Richards-Hilton family dysfunction and Kyle’s decision to attend the wedding. Let’s be honest Kyle went to Italy so she can tell people she bought clothes in Italy, and Kyle wants to go to Nicky’s wedding so she can tell people she went to a Rothschild society wedding. 

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Tom and Tom flub a business meeting with LVP Sangria

If I were Jax Taylor‘s girlfriend Brittany, after watching last night’s Vanderpump Rules, I’d be breaking up with him. But she probably got into the business of dating Jax by watching Vanderpump Rules, so I’ll assume she’s not surprised by his general assiness and lies. 

Before we get into all the drama Lisa Vanderpump meets an early 30-something woman named Arielle with priorities. Imagine! Arielle volunteers with homeless youth (aged 18 – 23) who live in a shelter. Arielle reached out to Lisa and Ken on Facebook because many of these kids have never eaten in a fancy restaurant and have always wanted to. Lisa and Ken of course say yes. 

Now, drama. Lala Kent did not hook up with Jax after PRIDE – but not for lack of trying! Lala asks if he wants to get a drink, so Jax pretends he’s not really together with his girlfriend Brittany. Out of sight, out of mind; in sight, in Jax’s bed!

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RHOA in Miami

Well, Real Housewives Of Miami may have been boring, but bringing the Real Housewives Of Atlanta to Miami rarely is! 

In a bizarre twist of well, everything Real Housewives Of Atlanta has stood for these long seasons, Kenya Moore and Porsha Williams planned the trip together. As co-conspirators. 

The fight on the boat was a reality check for these two, so despite their constant animosity, Kenya and Porsha decided to come together to plan a re-do of Cynthia Bailey‘s redone bachelorette party. Or whatever because Cynthia and Peachter are just great now. So uh… congrats! 

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Kyle Richards family drama

It’s time for the sick, sad, dysfunctional world of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! Thank goodness for the beautiful Tuscan scenery and the epic way Lisa Vanderpump put Kathy Hilton‘s BS on blast or else I’d be suffering from a case of Lymopause-depression! I can’t wait for Erika Jayne‘s kooky-crazy next week to infuse this show with some fun weirdness, because melo-lyme-dramatics is too much!

Yolanda Foster needs to break-up from “stabbing in the dark” and “playing detective,” as she refers to the menagerie of ‘treatments’ she’s trying to cure Lyme. What is making Yolanda sicker – the Lyme Disease or all the crazy she’s dumping into her body? Yolanda’s Bathrobe is becoming the new Yolanda’s Fridge, and YoBathrobe just doesn’t have the same appeal. Lady needs to detox from detoxing, and instead of a weekly colonic to harvest tapeworms, how about a facial, a nice relaxing, massage, a bottle of wine and some My Love sexytimes! Or possibly a trip to the snooze-inducing Amalfi Coast? 

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Lala and James

Vanderpump Rules lives by its own code of ethics. That code being, if you don’t get caught it’s not cheating, and if you don’t get caught cheating with your friend’s boyfriend, you’re still a good friend. Lisa Vanderpump needs to quit re-educating with sommeliers and instead try educating her employees on HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. Like maybe Communications 101? 

Also, I owe Kristen Doute an apology. Sort of. I used to believe James Kennedy was a super-douchey arrogant jerk because Kristen is so insane, but now I realize it was just a case of Like Attracts Like. They’re both total jerks, who, luckily for everyone else, had found each other to terrorize. Now that James and Kristen have split, James is inflicting his assholery on everyone else. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix are “Adulting,” James is instead “Douchebagging Extreme!” Run Lala, run!

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hollywood moniece

Is it just me, or are any of you impressed that no one was seriously injured during last night’s final installment of the Love & Hip Hop Hollywood reunion? After that crazy brawl that occurred when Moniece jumped Brandi for questioning her parental skills, Nina has the women sitting calmly back on the sofa…although Moniece is twitching and Brandi claims to just be so passionate about motherhood (hers, she’s not judging anyone else…yeah, right!) that she’s shaking from wig to feather. Moniece’s mother interrupts to say that while she doesn’t condone her daughter’s actions, she has to protect her child. When questioned about whether she wants to clear up any issues, Moniece is radio silent. 

Jason Lee and Hazel-E’s beef is highlighted, and Hazel won’t let Jason get a word in, but Ray-J pontificates that everyone needs redemption on the reunion. Jason blabbers off an insincere apology for tossing a drink in Hazel’s face, but Hazel reminds Nina that he was profiting off the incident with a t-shirt slogan the day the episode aired. Brandi inserts herself yet again because she’s such a champion for Jesus, and Ray wants to know what would Jesus do. Really Ray?

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