After the bachelor party hijinks, Tamra figures the best way to continue emasculating her future husband with dance lessons. Tamra shouldn't be dancing. To be honest, I went to get a yogurt during this scene and didn't feel like reliving it so I plowed forward.
Later, Tamra is going to shop for bridesmaids dresses, and Vicki Gunvalson is a no show. Heather Dubrow and Ricky (and some other Bravo extra) are joining her, and Heather realizes she shouldn't be surprised that Tamra doesn't know the difference between blush, cream, ivory, and buff. Who cares? Tamra has plenty of time to find her perfect bridesmaids' dresses. The wedding is two weeks away, which is like an eternity in Bravo-land. The limo pulls up to the elite boutique, and Tamra has flashbacks of her many tequila-soaked vacays to Tijuana. Refusing to get out of the car, Tamra calls Diann screaming about the hideous thrift store. Thankfully, Diann is a bitch-whisperer and she's able to calm Tamra with coos of pricier frocks from the poor woman in the extended stay who designed for Alexis Couture. Thank goodness!
Last night's Basketball Wives marked the fourth straight episode of Evelyn Lozada crying over Chad Johnson, andTami Roman trying her darndest to start something with Shaunie O'Neal despite her positive life changes. It was also the fourth straight episode of Tasha Marbury staying above the drama and Suzie Ketcham talking out of both sides of her mouth (only this time, she's not gossiping, she's just finally healing from her jaw surgery!).
We started back in Evelyn's counseling session. Her therapist encourages her to figure out what she would do if there were no kids, media, or feminist groups involved. Again, I'm sorry…why are all of these people trying to get her back together with a head-butter? We all know that the head-butting incident wasn't isolated. I'm not saying that he was violent towards her multiple times, but their relationship was broken by both of them long before they walked down the aisle. The therapist wants to know what are the wonderful things about Chad that the public doesn't know. Is that you, Mrs. .Ochocinco Johnson? Seriously? With a glass of wine and dose of common sense, I'm more of a therapist than this lady.
Last night Lea hosted her annual The Black Gala and while things were a little more lackluster than usual in the auction department the drama surrounding the grand affair more than compensated. That and the diamonds of course! While the so-called "Cubans" are anything but Lea's besties, diamonds will always and forever be a Housewife's best friends, borrowed or no!
So Lea is hosting her big event, but most of the girls are playing hookie to go to something called Gay Polo. Gay Polo is polo, but there's tigers (and cougars) and leprechauns. Adriana de Moura and Marysol Patton were making a big, ginormous deal out of it like it was some spectacular extravaganza and Prince Harry was going to come out wearing nothing but a loin cloth and some body paint reading Kiss Me, I'm Gay. He's not gay, obviously, but he is hot and exciting. And he plays polo!
Things begin with yet another fight about Melissa Gorga allegedly cheating on Joe Gorga. I was rolling my eyes and guzzling my wine with my Milania Hair Care Hairmuffs on so I really don't know what that man was yammering on about. I was all prepared to throw my wine glass at the TV in my own Incredible Hulk Man-angsty moment when Bravo flashed us back 12 hours earlier.
And I really wish I had been prepared with my blinders on! We are greeted by Poison grinding his junk in Melissa's face. 'Happy Birthday baby – just call me Justin Timberlake cause I got you some d*ck in a box!' Melissa is like 'Where? I don't see it… Oh. Yeah that little guy. Awwww… thanks… Hi TUHREEEZA!" If I got Poison's junk in my face for a birthday gift I would cancel birthdays for the rest of my life. And Melissa had never been so happy to see her sister-in-law.
Everyone is finally moved into the cul-de-sac compound on Sister Wives, and the kids are ecstatic to be so close to their siblings. Kody thinks that Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn will have the biggest adjustment with boundaries.
Robyn has a grand plan to ceremoniously burn the duffel bag that Kody used to tote from house-to-house. Janelle never really minded what the bag represented, and Kody laughs. To Janelle, the bag is a symbol of her independence and served as a reminder that he'd be leaving soon. Sounds about right!
With Mother's Day on the horizon, Kody is meeting with this jewelry manufacturers to design individually pieces for each of his wives. He's hoping that none of the wives will get jealous. After seeing what Kody has designed, I doubt he'll have to worry. Robyn's piece is a phoenix rising from the ashes, Meri gets a loyal dog crown and heart, Christine's piece will be a mischievous fairy, while poor Janelle gets a tree. Will these be available on the web site?
It's been a whole week since I got to spend quality time with Phil, Willie, Jase, Uncle Si, and the rest of the Robertson crew. Sure, I've had my reruns, but I so look forward to Wednesday nights now thanks to Duck Dynasty. Last night was no different. Whether the warehouse boys were convincing Si to pay out his last dollar over a gentlemen's bet or Jase wearing out his welcome at Willie's house, the episode went by too quickly. Sidebar, I love howJep is always referred to as "Willie's Other Brother."
Jase and Missy are renovating their kitchen, so Jase and the kids will be bunking with Willie and Korie. Thankfully, Missy is out of town, so she'll have to miss whatever debacle will surely ensue this weekend. Meanwhile, after a heated race between two toy woodpeckers, Godwin, Martin, Jep, and Si are betting on who can knock down red solo cup pyramids, and Si is doing his best to hustle the warehouse crew. Jep can't believe that Si and his father are related…after all, Phil was almost a quarterback in the NFL, and Si couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.
Maybe Lifetime has no intention of ever ending this season of Dance Moms. Since Abby Lee Miller despises the moms so much, you'd think she'd want to put a cap on the number of episodes I have to watch, er, um, I mean, in which she has to participate!
The ALDC is back in Pennsylvania, and Abby is proud of her dancers' showing in Vegas. MacKenzie finds herself at the bottom of the pyramid for being absent, followed by Paige for forgetting her solo. Abby does, however, compliment her performance in the group number. Brooke is one step above her sister, although Abby doesn't think that her solo showcased Brooke's true talent. Nia rounds out the bottom for excelling in rehearsals but flubbing up in competition. When Nia blames her hat for her dancing woes, Abby tells the story of a man whose hand was severed during a show, but the dancers around him didn't miss a beat. Same thing.
Kendall is last on the second tier, and she admits her nerves got the best of her. Abby advises her to exude confidence regardless so she's the one intimidating others, and she reminds Kendall not to watch the soloists before her. Chloe is in third for flying under the radar, followed by Maddie for shining in the group number. The undefeatable Asia is in the top spot. The girls will be traveling to Regionals in Buffalo, and their group number will be hoedown themed. MacKenzie will have a solo, and Abby makes sure to get in a few digs about how she's still in Asia's shadow.
Oh, and if you turned your TV at just the right angle and closed one eye, you saw the Teen Moms caring for their precious babies almost as passionately as they begged their boyfriends to love them. This week: rinse and repeat.