Recaps

Ladies of London recap

Have you heard of Mapperton? No? Really? Well, let Julie Montagu introduce you to it for the thousandth time! Hear ye, Hear ye! Let it be known throughout the kingdom that Mapperton is a magical place of stables and gardens and struggling gift shops, the hopes of which reside precariously upon the shaky shoulders of the future Sandwich Countess! Er, Countess of Sandwich. Otherwise known as Julie, the unofficial Ladies Of London town crier.

Although Julie is quite impressed with her estate and the aristocratic glitter dust that comes with it, Caroline Stanbury is certainly not – nor is she impressed with those who do pledge allegiance to Julie’s schemes and delusions. Thus, when the ladies visit Mapperton this week, Julie and long time (soon to be former?) friend Adela King are caught in the cross hairs of Caroline’s wrath.

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Vanderpump Rules recap

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules celebrated Pride, but it was far from the jubilant affair it usually is in light of the Orlando nightclub shooting, which happened the day before.

I’m not sure how to write this recap for a couple reasons: 1) there was a lot of the usual f-ked up SUR drama surrounding Pride and the tragic events; and 2) Tom Sandoval made his ugly cry face but it seems wrong to make fun of it because he was crying about the Orlando tragedy. Conundrum. I also feel bad swooning over how glorious Peter looked. (Cause he did).

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Kenya and Matt drama

There was so much crazy on this episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Breaking up was in the air… and so was the awful stench of Mama Joyce‘s desperation. When is this show getting new producers?

After Phaedra Parks‘ office received a so-called bomb threat, she called in 10,000 Strong (The Nation Of Islam) for a little lesson in self defense without showing your slip. Everybody knows… actions speak louder than words, and your words should be killing them with kindness like a bee trapped in honey! Everybody also knows it’s better to be safe than sorry!

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Survivor

Two more have fallen and the table has now been set for next week’s two-hour Survivor finale. Yes, unlucky Episode 13 spelled the end for two of the remaining eight players vying for the million and the title of Sole Survivor. It was a bit of a rushed episode, but heck, that’s going to happen when you cram two Tribal Councils into one hour. And this group of players is so focused, so “in the game” that there is little in the way of unnecessary drama down the stretch thus far, as each player tries to carve out their own end-game with surgical precision.

Let’s walk through what went down, but first by law I must warn you of potential spoilers, should you not have seen the episode (and if you didn’t, then what are you doing reading a recap? I mean, I appreciate it and all, but go watch the episode and then come back here, silly!)

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Don't Be Tardy Recap - Kim Zolciak

Don’t Be Tardy opens with just another day at the Beirmann house and Kim Zolciak Biermann having a topless photo shoot in her pool as her four year old son watches. Kim is FINALLY ready to launch her new skincare line and of course, who would be a better spokesperson than her? Don’t answer that – it was a rhetorical question.

Since Kim is hosting a bunch of people from her skincare team in L.A., she has Tracey pull out the best conch possible to feed and entertain them by the same pool she just floated topless in. Kim goes on and on about how hard she has been working on this skincare line and how it’s a huge accomplishment for her to launch it. Never mind that we haven’t seen one second of footage of her working on any of it. I’m sure Kim’s idea of hard work is much different than the masses. I’m having a hard time concentrating on anything else about this scene after catching the sight of Kroy Biermann dressed in cut off jean shorts, or jorts, if you will.

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere recap

Last night, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills came back bigger, sparklier, and more expensive than ever. Yes. Just the way I like it – everyone Botoxed to the hilt, in full makeup, and kicking around snarky comments with their $1,000 shoes. If you can’t play the Beverly Hills game, go retire to your divorce condo until you’re ready to barely bat your false eyelashes again (“barely” only because you can’t move your face).

So Lisa Vanderpump is neither forgiving nor forgetful. Lisa likes her people like she likes her dogs: loyal, fluffy, and willing to wear a sequined rosette that says “I belong To Lisa Vanderpump (who makes my life fabulous)!” Have you met Harrison? What about Kyle Richards?

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Ladies of London recap

As Ladies of London rolled on last night, I couldn’t help but wondering: Why can’t I have Caroline Stanbury’s life? Her Dubai closet? Her wicked laugh at the jealous mob at her feet? And, conversely, why is she hell bent on making everyone else’s so miserable? It’s the enigma of Caroline, who I will admit right here and now: I love – but mildly hate too. She is the perfect reality TV persona.

It’s been one week since Marissa Hermer’s surgery, which produced little bundle of beautiful pink sweetness: Baby Sadie. Marissa lost a lot of blood and fought through a long surgery after birth, but she’s okay. And so is her daughter – her first after two sons. Despite the fear and pain, she and husband Matt would do it all over again to have their daughter in their arms.

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Kate-ChastainEmily-Warburton-Adam-Sierra-Storm-Ben-Robinson-Uniforms-Below-Deck

It’s time to bid a fond farewell to Below Deck, season four. Goodbye, Captain Lee Rosbach’s epic blogs! Adios, Kate Chastain’s Resting B*tch Face! See ya later, Kyle Dixon’s massively confusing backstory! Ciao, Bemily! Thanks for the forever scarring memories of late night snot snacking, Trevor Walker! Tragically, we won’t get to see the aftermath of this season’s drama play out on the couches, as there will be no reunion this year. To which I say: Pfffffffffft. Not okay, Andy Cohen! Why do you have to be so uncool to us, bro?

Last night, Kate continued laying into her crew, who seem to be using their last charter as a chance to slack off. After a pep talk from Kate, Emily Warburton Adam seems on board with ending the season strong. But Sierra Storm is not about to let this annoying stuff called “work” ruin her frightening permasmile. She chooses to passive-aggressively snark “sure” to Kate’s instructions. Maybe she just needs a hug? Emily obliges by giving her one.

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