Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Not much has changed since last season except for the fact that Lisa Vanderpump is being given the bitch edit. Or she's become a bitch? Or always was one? Whatever – things are odd so far!
Kyle Richards and Lisa spend the whole episode playing tit-for-tat and throwing shady covert digs at each other that are kind of diggy and kind of funny and definitely fake as the boobs in the ol' BH.
Things begin with Yolanda Foster chaperoning daughter GiGi's modeling shoot. GiGi is gorgeous and Yolanda could not be more proud. A fact she expresses by reminding GiGi that all the dieting and exercising has paid off. Yolanda is still rocking last season's outfit and the same set of natty extensions. You own a private plane – get better hair! I should cut the lady some slack, she has been battling lyme disease.
Not getting any slack from me is Kyle. Good ol' Splits! She's adding business woman to her resume because Kaftans Too For Me & You or whatever the H-E-Double-Hockeysticks her shop is called is now getting the attention of the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce. They want Kyle to join, presumably because the country club needs new robes and she has a bunch in stock.
Since Joanna is trying to be nice she invited the entire RHOM crew, including Adriana de Moura. There were strict instructions that Adriana had to be on sedatives. Adriana's half-hearted apology to Lea Black didn't really patch things up, so they too still have an awkward tension.
Lisa is thrilled to be getting away form Lenny 'cause they're having issues and she needs to let loose and get drunk. Fembot's adventures in Vegas are a recipe for disaster! First of all, Joanna makes all the ladies fly coach, which is hilarious. Lea is scrambling to stuff one of her 6000 purses in the carry-on hold and seems on the brink of meltdown. I swear Lisa probably almost missed the flight sprinting through the airport looking for an ATM when she realized you had to pay for booze in coach!
Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta. I so forgot how deliciously shade-full and snarky these ladies are. Of course there was also Krayonce… who is just as kraysane as always!
Everyone has had a lot going on since last season. NeNe Leakes re-married Gregg, as we know, and is now like Veruca Salt in a chocolate factory, opening all her wedding presents. Once such wedding present is a $400 Hermes plate from Teresa Giudice. Teresa needs to ask for that plate back. #NotARichBitch
NeNe is ripping through the wrapping paper going 'For meeeeeee….?!' when Gregg reminds her it's actually "for we". Apparently not – it's NeNe's world and we're all just living in it. <Snaps>
As the show starts, Deitrick is hanging out at the playground with his future mother-in-law and he shares the big news that he's bought a house. And not just any house–this casa has six bedrooms and seven baths (when can I move in?), but he promises not to shack up. Deitrick will wait until after the "I dos" before moving in Dominique and his daughter. Meanwhile, Ron is struggling with his sister Shaun's heroin addiction. He feels responsible for her fate due to his past drug problems, and he calls his family together in an attempt to save his sister. Ron knows he has the Lord on his side, but to get his sister out of the crack house, he's going to need the law as well.
Well, looky here! Clarence is biffles with P. Diddy's personal umbrella holder! He welcomes Farnsworth into his ginormous compound and compliments him on having as much swag as the bishop himself. Farnsworth and his wife have brought their new daughter to meet Clarence, and we learn that they are part of his congregation. Remind me why these men are dressed as twins? Clarence and Farnsworth talk about the hardships of fatherhood. It's not easy having to fly six hours first class to spend time with your family, and don't even get Clarence started on the people who are jealous of how successful his ministry has become. Thank God (no really) for security detail! Clarence reveals that his body guards have never had to deal with issues of this magnitude with the most A-list of celebrities, He seems very proud of this fact.
Briana talks to Jacob, the boy, behind her mom's back. Cue the scene where Mom reminds Briana – not so gently – that she has baby baggage. So, the eyebrows have spoken, Briana is nothing more than a girl with a baby. Proceed directly to the coven. Don't call Jacob. Don't collect $200.
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was brought to us by Lea Black's boobs. Was it me or were they borderline popping out in every scene? Did she pay a visit to Dr. Boob God recently?
Other than that, Joanna Krupa had a meltdown and threw a soap opera bitchfit which included kicking Lisa Hochstein out of her wedding party. And Lisa cried and whined and meddled and stirred the pot. Really, Lisa needs a hobby. Maybe crochet?
Lea is creating The World of Lea Black which includes patenting that laugh and every time you open a Lea Black box it bursts out. She's creating handbags and writing books and skin care crap. I really don't know, but I guess it's a full-fledged industry in fabulosity. More power to her because at least she was doing this pre-Housewives so it's not just some schleppy storyline to give her a purpose on the show. Apparently it's a "movement".
Don't lie. You've missed the crew from Love & Hip Hop. Yeah, I know. I couldn't type that with a straight face any more than you could read it with one. With the Basketball Wives reunion kaput, VH1 treated us to the season premiere of a more yawn-inducing version of the feisty L&HH: ATL. While I'll try to reserve my judgment, I don't think that K. Michelle can save this sinking ship any more than the newbies. It's not that I don't like Yandy Smith and Mendeecees Harris, but they are almost too likeable. I didn't believe Rich Dollaz and Erica Mena's relationship was anything more than camera candy, so I never invested much thought in them, and don't even get me started on the dysfunction that is Tahiry Jose and Joe Budden. So, about that reservation of judgment promise…I'm not doing so well, eh?
With the Medicine Man still incarcerated, Yandy has continued to take Little Mendeecees during his dad's custodial times. Both she and Mendecees have decided to tell the boy that his father is serving time…in the army. I don't even have the chance to type how adorable this child is before Mona Scott Young goes and throws a curveball…she is totally exploiting Little Mendecees by having him share a secret with his soon-to-be stepmom. He reveals that he has known his dad was in jail for months.
Last night was the event you've all been waiting for with baited breath. Yes, that's right. NeNe Leakes finally walked down the aisle and married her groom Gregg. Again. Thanks, Bravo, for treating us to two full hours of I Dream of NeNe. Two hours, really? I kind of wish you had dragged out her nuptials even longer. I do wish I'd played a drinking game with myself though and taken a sip every time some famous face was shown. I mean, in the first five minutes of the finale, NeNe lunches Vivica Fox while Gregg hangs with groomsman Al Reynolds! On second thought, I'd probably have gotten too drunk to type this…
Gregg is being fitted for his tux, and he's super nervous to learn that his suit won't be completed until the day of the wedding. What is with these Bravo wedding specials leaving everything for the last minute? It's been in the works for ages! NeNe is also helping her ill prepared aunt shop for something to wear to the wedding, as she arrived in Atlanta with nary a dress. Jennifer Williams is along for the ride helping NeNe with some last minute details with her family. Gregg bows out on his fitting to go meet Tony to check on the venue. The ballroom looks like a construction site as Tony and his team prep to hang 60,000 crystals from the ceiling. Somewhere, Spencer Pratt just got really excited!
The family is all coming together for a low-key celebration dinner, and it's nice to see NeNe and Gregg's adult children finally getting along. Gregg is precious with his step-granddaughter. Brentt seems thrilled at the prospect of a better relationship with his half-siblings, and NeNe feels content that all of the children have all come together. The following day, NeNe is spending time with her oldest son Bryson. She wants him to walk her down the aisle, but given that he's on crutches, she doesn't want her dress to get ripped. During their conversation, NeNe is sidelined by an e-mail from her father bailing on her big day. She can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call her.