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rhonj-recap-fight

Good lord last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was a rare and special breed of ridiculous, wasn't it? So the Gorgadice families went on some silly retreat to put their problems behind them and rebuild. Except it was more passive aggressive blaming and whining from everyone! Yay for something new and exciting. 

Things begin over at Casa de Gorga, amid the crumbling faux marble and the collapsing gold-plate archways they are preparing for the big retreat. Melissa Gorga and Poison are doing their vacation dance ritual and getting into the groove by busting some J. Faux moves and encouraging their kids to dance. "Stripper in the house," Poison bellows as his three-year-old twerks, while daddy erratically humps and grinds the air. Yeah! Shake your moneymaker kids. Great parenting… 

Antonia helps mommy pack and decides among the must haves are a bible and a stuffed unicorn. Makes sense, unicorns because it would be an absolutely fairy tale to imagine these families getting along. And a bible because you never know who may need an exorcism on a RHONJ trip. All signs point to Teresa

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It's never a dull moment with the girls of Princesses: Long Island.  Last night there was more girl drama and PDA to go around, but thankfully the ladies refrained from drink throwing and ugly cry mode.  They're really maturing, aren't they?

Joey Lauren, Amanda Bertoncini, and Erica Gimbel decide to go on a run, and I think it's time for Erica to invest in a sports bra.  I'm also super curious as to what Amanda is wearing on her bottom half.  The girls dish about Chanel Omari's bizarre behavior at Amanda's Drink Hanky party, and Joey questions Ashlee White's snobbery.  She gets teary when she hears that Ashlee tried to get Erica and Amanda not to like her.  While Amanda likes Ashlee, she knows her friend looks down on Joey for not coming from money.  Erica and Amanda give Joey tips on how to compose a mature text to Ashlee to resolve their differences.

Meanwhile, Chanel is channeling her inner SJP circa Square Pegs and meeting with her rabbi in some very Mo Rocco shades.  She needs his guidance after her breakdown at the white party.  He basically tells her to suck it up and show restraint in the face of drink throwing asshats, although he's much more eloquent.  When she expresses her fears over never marrying, he urges her to use Jewish history as inspiration to know that nothing is impossible.  I may need to schedule a session with Rabbi Cohen.

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dance moms chatter

Whether the newly coined Dance Moms Chatter needed another hour is irrelevant…we were treated to one last night nonetheless.  Abby Lee Miller joins the stage with Jeff Collins, and all I can focus on is how far Jeff has come since his timid, uptight, conservative-suited self started this hosting gig.  Look at him!  He's wearing purple gingham, a skinny tie, a blazer and dark washed jeans.  Dare I say he's even colored his hair?  Go Jeff.

Abby waxes on and on about how she always knew she had a gift for costumes and choreography and telling stories through dance while giving up high school reunions and a social life and being kind for the sake of her students.  Major sacrifices, y'all!  A former Ugly Betty star and a Dance Moms blogger (who is clearly more loved by Lifetime than this girl) join Abby and Jeff, and we're treated to parental meltdowns from seasons past.  They are really taking clips from the vault, aren't they?

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RHOC-VICKI

Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was giving me flashbacks of the Bill Clinton trial. It was all a buncha semantics, except with Housewives mumbo-jumbo. "I did not say they were having sex, they were just in bed." "I didn't say it was a threesome" "I've never had multiple partners." "You have a different guest role on Malibu Country." Whatever the case: "Uh Oh! Somebody's lyyyyyying!" (Adrienne Maloof voice). 

Lydia McLaughlin tried to take her new friends to her old country, Canada, for some good old fashion skiing fun at Whistler. Truly showing she's a sparkly-eyed, pixie winged novice for all things Housewives she predicted it would be drama free. Why? Did she think the negative temperatures would freeze their drama capacitors off? Nope, if anything the cold made them extra twitchy and jumpy and turned the trip into a true The Shining nightmare. Except Lydia was the only person trapped on the mountain and unable to escape. 

Good thing Alexis Bellino gave Lydia a special, drama-debunking gift! Alexis has decided she'll come on the trip under one condition – she can carry a concealed weapon. A Swaorvski crystal studded bible! Alexis gives Lydia a matching bible. Um… I love these two; they truly are Jesus Barbie and her little sister Bible Skipper! I hope Barbie doesn't wear Alexis Couture to teach Sunday School. 

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hollywood-exes-drea-kelly

Finally!! Hollywood Exes returns for a second season with its original cast, Nicole Murphy, ex-wife of Eddie Murphy, Jessica Canseco, ex-wife of Jose Canseco, Mayte Garcia, ex-wife of Prince, Sheree Fletcher, ex-wife of Will Smith, and Drea Kelly, ex-wife of R. Kelly.

New to the cast this season is Shamicka Lawrence, who's newly divorced from Martin Lawrence, but she has yet to make an appearance. Daphne Wayans, ex-wife of Keenan Ivory Wayans, shows up briefly, but I suspect we won't be seeing much more of the diva. To kick off season two, Drea returns to L.A. with a grudge against Jessica, and Mayte considers adopting a baby girl in need.

Turns out, Drea is furious with Jessica, because she publicly tweeted that Drea is a hypocrite and fake. Drea believes that Jessica and her fake DDs need to take a seat, adding, "I'm too damn grown for a Twitter war." 

Also, Drea is over the "that's just her" excuse for Jessica's less than desirable behaviors. Enough is enough. "You come at me, I'm going to give it right back to you," vows Drea. "You bring it to me crazy, I'm going to deliver it to you crazy. For $19.95, plus shipping and handling, it's coming right to ya door." 

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hiphopatl3

I'll give it to the cast of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta…they are willing to share the spotlight and the drama!  One week, it's all about Stevie J. and his love rhombus, and the next week, Benzino's mountain weekend takes center stage.  It's compromise at its most pure form…

Kirk Frost's actual threesome is happening on camera.  Whatever happened to the subtle innuendo of a man walking two hoochies into his bedroom and America knowing what was getting ready to happen?  Did we really need to see the naked backs and the massages?  Gahhhh.  The following morning, Kirk knows he's got a lot of things to fix, but he hasn't had so much fun since the late 90's.  Benzino thinks that his friend has made a major marriage error, and he questions Kirk as to whether a threesome with video vixens was "the pass" Rasheeda had given him.  Kirk couldn't care less.  He had a hot tub and some biznizzles…it was meant to be.  Please forgive me for trying to get my inner Scrappy on, but it's so much fun!

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princesses-long-island-chanel-coco-omari

Have you heard? Princesses: Long Island star Chanel "Coco" Omari is 27 years old and not married. I repeat – NOT married. Broken. So sad. Disgrace to Longuyland. Tune in next week to see Chanel's public stoning. Obviously, I kid (at least I hope) about the stoning, but is this pity party for real?

Chanel's younger sister, Ashley, is engaged to be married, and poor broken Chanel doesn't even have a boyfriend. The hits keep coming when Chanel helps shop for Ashley's bridal gown. At the dress shop, Mom introduces Ashley, the bride, and Chanel, the sister, and the shop clerk asks if Chanel is the "little sister" as if it's relevant and/or any of her business. After a brief moment of silence, Chanel reveals that she's actually the older sister, and then the store clerk buys the first ticket to Chanel's stoning. 

Just for kicks – Ashley insists that Chanel try on a wedding gown. Mom prays, "God willing, Chanel will meet someone," and Chanel weeps. "Sometimes I just want to be normal like everyone else and do the same things like everyone else is doing," she cries. "It's really difficult when you feel like you're always on a different page." 

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rhonj-recap

Oh Real Housewives of New Jersey. I just don't know what to do with you. Like ever. Last night Melissa Gorga was officially accused of cheating by a former BFF who now doesn't like her. And since this is RHONJ some heavy betrayal was involved. Does anyone like Melissa in NJ? What did this girl do to make so many enemies? Did she give a lot of people unwanted sprinkle cookies? 

Anyway, there was also talk of a retreat. I need a retreat from this show – am I invited?

Things begin with Wallpaper Wakile having a meeting of the minds in her brand new test kitchen. She's got her mixer all set up in one corner and the entire vast remainder of the industrial kitchen sits unused and empty. Pretty soon Kathy is going to start moving her bed, her dresser, all her clothes, etc in because if there's one things she's realized about ol' test kitchen – it's a great retreat from Richie. And one long overdue.

And speaking of retreats from hubbies, here comes Caroline Manzo. Is Al in the same country as her anymore? Caroline, Jacqueline Laurita, and Rosie the Rampager are meeting to talk about Rosie's big meet-n-drink with Teresa Giudice. Rosie reveals that the pounding on the table severely bruised the cartilage in her hand. Rosie needs serious help. Gross. 

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