Recaps

rhobh-recap

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills roamed around to a bunch of parties and acted poorly. You know – the usual!

Kim Richards' daughter Kimberly graduated from high school and Kim is hosting a big celebration party for her. To prepare Kim, Kyle Richards, Kimberly and one of Kyle's daughters meet up for manicures. And Kyle needs a bikini wax. Kim announces her "wiener" has already been waxed and is looking cute. Kim should probably just go ahead and call it a "whiner" instead. 

Kyle prefers to label hers a "tweeter" because <stage whisper> 'vagina' is yucky. It's times like this I wish Brandi Glanville would pop up in the corner of the screen yelling, "VAGINA, Kyle – VAGINA!" just to make Kyle smack her with a caftan after covering her eyes with a haircape. 

A salon employee tells Kyle she can have her tweetiewiener dyed. Kyle Freudian Slips and thinks the lady told her to put her vagina on a "diet". But! It's a size 4! Kim's tweeter is a size 0 because it hasn't been eating anything – well nothing except a little "lipstick" she elaborated. How many weight watchers points does a tweeter get?

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love hip hop joe proposal

Well, well, well, it looks like some people are getting a bigger story line on Love & Hip Hop. Peter Gunz has decided to step aside for an episode and let other people take the lead. 

Tara Wallace is all about doing her (and probably Peter when he calls) these days to get over her break-up. She's ambushed by K. Michelle and Yandy Smith. Her friends want to give her a sexed up makeover, and she's completely onboard with the transformation, especially since she has a date with the actor she met at Yandy's casting call. It's settled, dirty Heidi Klum it is! The blonde wig is working for her (kind of?), but poor girl can't twerk to save her life. 

Rich Dollaz is tired of the constant ups and downs with Erica Mena. He decides to seek the advice of his mom since she's been along for the ride since he started hooking up/working with Erica. Rich's mom urges him to stay focus and keep things professional. He's preparing to go to a modeling show, and he feels guilty because he's gotten all his contacts from Erica. While Rich's mother thinks Erica is sweet and beautiful, but she isn't completely irresistible. Rich needs to keep it in his pants, but it's hard for this self-described "creep." 

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rhoa-recap-porsha

Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta the ladies took Porsha Stewart to task for being ridiculous – and well, she needs it! 

Phaedra Parks is still reeling over Chuck-gate. Lest you forget he accused her of being a member of the Big Homie Team. As it turns out the only thing big about Chuck is his forehead and his ego. He's actually more like a little homie, or as Phaedra tells Kandi Burruss: "bitesized brownies and a cocktail sausage." Ouch. 

Kandi is shocked that Chuck would classify their relationship so falsely, I'm shocked her chunky little dog is eating Pringles. Seriously – what adult purchases Pringles? Phaedra wonders if Kandi's dog needs a Colt 45 to go with his "ghetto" snack. She also calls Chuck a pig. Because he is one. 

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sister wives aspyn mariah

On last night's Sister Wives, Kody Brown saw two daughters graduate from high school. While Christine was overjoyed for daughter Aspyn, Meri continued to meltdown over Mariah leaving the nest. Poor Janelle, she really wants to high tail it, doesn't she? Even Robyn raises some eyebrows by inviting a fortune teller to the girls' graduation party. Her prediction? One more wife! Oh gracious!

The episode begins with Christine, Meri, and their daughters plan the graduation party. The girls think the moms are living vicariously through them since they never had graduation parties. Mariah and Aspyn are opposed to dancing and DJs. Meri thinks that the girls must be embarrassed by their parents' dancing skills. The only idea that sounds remotely appealing is Robyn's palm reader. I do love that the girls' are cussing in front of their moms. Mariah says "hell no" to a slide show. Kody then discusses, yet again, how much more expensive Mariah's college education will be. If I were Mariah, I'd ask my folks to put the money they planned to spend on the party towards my education. He invites Mariah's study skills teacher over to talk about financial planning. Kody does not want any of his kids graduating with student loan debt, and he isn't going to be cosigning diddly squat. Slowly but surely, Kody realizes that loans would allow his kids to study and progress without worrying about working three jobs every semester. Take it from me, it's much easier to worry about that debt after graduation. Oh, sarcasm!

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taylor-armstrong

This week on Couples Therapy, the couples, plus lone bird Farrah Abraham, discuss dark moments from past relationships with Dr. Jenn Berman. Also, Farrah boohoos about her porn and annoys every human within an 18 mile radius, and Taylor Armstrong has a spoiled brat meltdown of epic proportions.

To kick things off, Dr. Jenn informs us that Farrah's life is chaotic. So I'd like to inform Dr. Jenn that Farrah's chaos has been meticulously planned out by Farrah the Famewhore. Hold the Fame. Meanwhile, Farrah complains to Taylor about being stood up by her boyfriend-for-hire, Brian Dawe.  Farrah assumes Taylor couldn't possibly understand how hard her life is because her divorce was – and I quote – probably like so easy.  "I filed for divorce, then I found him hanging," shares Taylor. "So not so easy." Farrah's like, fine your life is hard, I guess, but I'm done with you. Good night. Taylor tells the camera that Farrah is the most self-absorbed person she has ever met.  #PotMeetKettle

Whoever put these two – the Teen Mom and the Real Housewife of Beverly Hills – on the same show deserves a huge raise. Make it happen, VH1.

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love and hip hop strip club

So last night we were back in Vegas for Mob Wives round three!  If the first two installments were any indication, we viewers are in for a wild ride! I can only imagine the craziness that Renee Graziano has in store for us now that she's shed her inhibitions…and her twelve steps.

The ladies have decided to go racing at the track. It's right up Drita D'avanzo's alley. Natalie Guercio is equally excited. Renee decides to play nice for the sake of Big Ang and Alicia deMichele Garofalo. Renee doesn't like to see her friends playing with her mortal enemy (she's not two-faced, y'all!), so she ops out of the afternoon's events. She's floored that her friends are being so cozy with Natalie. Don't they have any respect? Renee approaches Alicia to air her issues, and she explains that she is upset about her friends' loyalty. Alicia tries to explain that both women were in the wrong regarding their confrontation. Ang reminds Renee that she did, in fact, put Natalie in a headlock. It's not about loyalty, it's about neck safety. Renee declares that her friends are back stabbers and takes off in a limo.

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asa-soltan-rahmati-diamond-water

This week's Shahs of Sunset was insane. Bravo gets the ick – MJ's sex tapes – out of the way first thing. We pay for this later. Mercedes "MJ" Javid seeks professional help to recover the missing files from her computer. She worries the young, hot computer guy will copy her sex tapes. He finds the files – not a cold chance in hell he enjoys it, let alone copies them. 
 
Next, Mike Shouhed meets with old Vegas friends, Big Baller #1 and Big Baller #2. Their office building is nice and shiny but rather empty inside – much like their secretaries. The Ballers, who finance real estate deals, offer Mike a job as their broker.  He promises to think about it, adding, "I want to show everybody a big middle finger, to the entire world and say, 'HAHAHA, I'm the richest.'"

Asa Soltan Rahmati meets with a party planner friend to go over details for the Diamond Water launch party.  Not much to see here.  She complains about the lack of gaudy gold accessories – yet the whiners on House Hunters never stop complaining about gold this, gold that – and requests a Diamond Water bottle ice sculpture. Asa also reveals she's planning a family reunion in Turkey.

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dance moms abby

Is it me, or is Abby Lee Miller getting more and more orange with each episode of Dance Moms

As always, we start with the pyramid and a hefty dose of insults about the group's third place finish. Abby will not be embarrassed in front of the Cathy and her purse slapping Candy Apples. Peyton is the on the bottom for her tearful hair tantrum. She should be a role model and not a baby. Brooke follows for missing four counts of the group dance, and Nia is third for the bottom for slipping out of her aerial and not placing in her solo division. McKenzie rounds out the bottom row for being too rambunctious in the dressing room. Paige is last on the second row for being good, not great. Ditto for Kendall. Chloe beams when she's second on the pyramid, and it's no surprise that Maddie is in the top spot with ridiculous praise. Kendall and Chloe get solos to prove which one is truly second to Maddie. Maddie gets to rest this week…Abby is tired of her star student carrying the entire troupe. The group number is called "Just Another Number" to remind the girls exactly what they are in the studio. The girls will be dancing as Maddie's clones. Abby hopes to find more Maddie clones at her upcoming open call.

The mothers are in the viewing area, and for once they are in agreement. The theme of the group number sends the wrong message to their daughters, and third place isn't going to cut it against Cathy's dancers. Holly hopes that placing so low the week before will humble the girls into working even harder. In Ohio, Cathy is excited to have choreographer Blake McGrath compete with Abby's lyrical numbers. Black Patsy's daughter is looked over for a solo which goes to Miami's Lucas. Kaya accuses Bridgette of getting her son the dance by partying with Blake 24/7.

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