Things begin with Heather Dubrow being ridiculous. Apparently Heather just cannot possibly attend Lydia's salsa party if AlexisBellino is there given that Alexis is like soooo fake and phony and faux and everything horrible. Lydia encourages Heather to try and make amends with Alexis and call her so they can put their differences aside. Lydia calls herself the "Friendship Whisperer." If this woman starts teaching classes and writing how-to books about training people to curb their aggression using treats I think I might explode.
After much twisting of the Chanel pearls ('cause costume jewelry is only acceptable if it's Chanel) Heather concedes she will be the bigger person and call Alexis. Lydia lets out a squee.
I'll be honest. I have been actively trying to connect with these couples to no avail. There was so much bickering and pettiness. However, last night's Newlyweds: The First Year actually made me feel for the couples (it's about time given that the finale is next week!). I celebrated their successes, and I was upset about their hardships. Tina Sugandh and Tarz Ludwigsen suffer through a traumatic event, and they grow closer thanks to Tina's dad's ridiculous new girlfriend. Blair Late is concerned about how active Jeff Pedersen's solo sex life is, while Kim and Alaska Gedeon actually get along. He's even quite charming! I know. I couldn't believe it either. Kathryn Bougadis and John Lagoudesimpatiently wait (and wait and wait and wait) for the birth of their son.
After being excited about her cycle being late, a teary Tina reveals to her mother-in-law that she suffered a miscarriage. It's heartbreaking to hear her say she's not fit to carry a child. Tarz's mom reminds Tina to look at this as an isolated incident. She doesn't want her daughter-in-law to jump to conclusions with no medical information to back up her worries.
Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta was all about a watch analogy. K. Michelle realized it was time to act her age (although she may have had a little hiccup), Nikko was ready to clean Stevie J.'s clock when Stevie tried to upstage him in the gift-giving department, and Mimi Faust seems poised to give Stevie a "second" chance. Sorry, that last one was a stretch!
After their bust-up, Joseline Hernandez meets with Stevie J. to get her money from her international record deal. She doesn't want to fight with him, but she's tired of him bleeping every other bleeping bleeps and buying TVs for hos. His bleep is raw, and Joseline doesn't want it anymore…she just wants her contract and her big record deal. Unfortunately, Stevie drops the bomb that the deal fell through. Oh, and if you didn't already know, he owns Joseline. Please.
In case you forgot: Erica Gimbel slept with Casey Cohen's boyfriend in high school, and Chanel "Coco" Omari, the bringer togetherer of this group, has invited both of them to the Hamptons for the weekend. They're all adults, so not a big deal, right? Not a chance in hell! Their first dinner ends with Casey at the dinner table, holding her head and sobbing, and Erica in the backyard, puffing away and looking like a regurgitated hair ball.
Casey is clearly cray cray, and Chanel, Ashlee White, and Joey stare at her accordingly. She leaves the room to search for the marbles she has lost but finds Erica instead. Casey takes this opportunity to remind the whore that she has ruined her life. Like, Erica slept with Casey's boyfriend well over ten years ago, and it still consumes her thoughts daily.
My first three thoughts: Where does Andy Cohen find these people? I also cannot figure out why Joey Lauren, a seemingly normal, classy young woman, is friends with them. And I am going to need a lot of wine to get through the rest of the season.
Alright kiddos, so Real Housewives of New Jersey happened so let's all take a break from bashing our heads against the wall to read this recap. I personally would rather go through another drug-free labor than spend one more minute on the Teresa Giudice vs. Melissa Gorga mess, but hey – duty calls. Oh – and in case you haven't heard I had a baby this week! Word to the wise: try to get to the hospital in a timely manner, right Melissa?!!
Last night Teresa and Melissa put forth another round of she-said/she-said; bobbing and weaving around the ring like two drag queens in a RuPaul's Drag Race boxing challenge. Except the fashionably challenged version! It was sparkly leopard print verbal uppercut blocked by spray-tanned orange fauxmarble encrusted sucker punch. And a low-brow duck followed by a high-brow weave and spin. Before we knew it, fur was flying and Caroline Manzo's front yard petting zoo had died in vain over more of Teresa and Melissa's nonsense.
Since we're talking boxing – things begin in a gym. Apparently all of Franklin Lakes and its surrounding lower echelon suburbs go to the same gym and NONE of them knew it! Just imagine… no awkward collisions at the lowfat banana smoothie bar ever occurred! Who would believe it?!
Just when I think Abby Lee Miller can't sink to a new low in favoritism and self-importance, I'm treated to a new episode of Dance Moms. Last night's show was insane!
Abby is on Cloud Nine after beating Cathy and her Candy Apples, but Kelly and Christi are still not speaking. Before the pyramid begins, Asia and Kristie 2.0 return. Asia finds herself at the bottom for missing last week due to a television gig. Nia is next for lagging just a tad behind in the group number. Kendall is called out for a lacking rehearsal, and Paige rounds out the bottom tier even though she garners Abby's praise.
MacKenzie finds herself in fourth place followed by Chloe and Maddie. Abby cannot say enough about the girls' flawless duet. Brooke takes the top spot–has that ever happened?–for dancing up with the senior troupe. The group number is entitled "Living with the Ribbon." Abby wants it to be a tribute number to all of the people who have been affected by cancer, and Melissa immediately gets choked up because she lost her mother to the disease.
On last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy, our favorite wig-wearing delusionite came up with a new reason for why she can't do anything for herself.
Apparently Kim Zolciak now has ADD and it's the all the fault of that pesky birth control chip known as the IUD. So what's a lady of the wigdor to do? Yank it out in the powder room all by herself, y'all! Don't Be Classy!
Things begin with Kim at home roaming around pretending to be busy while the nannies hover in the corner just to the left of screen. In the meantime Brielle is doing everything possible to get Kim's attention while Kim talks about herself and pretends she's sooooooooo busy. Brielle says that now that Kim is married to Kroy Biermann and dealing with the boys she feels like she never gets anytime with her mom alone.
I'm sure the Mexican government is bogged down with the drug war, but they also need to turn their attentions to a more pressing issue: The Battle For Tamra Barney. I predict a full-fledged blonde extensions tearing, botox rearranging, wine bottle throwing, Gretchen Christine Plastic Sack swinging, stiletto stabbing, lip gloss jabbing, boob job deflating battle on next week's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. Get the popcorn ready!
On last night's episode the ladies remained in Mexico to terrorize the locals. Vicki Gunvalson decided it was high time she reasserted herself as the true BFF of Tamra, so she smuggled her out to a Mexican bar and forced her to woodenly shake her butt on the bar like they were 20. You can just call her Vicki FUNvalson!
Oh ladies… Grannies Gone Wild! Poor Lydia McLauglin, forced into light-up Minnie Mouse ears that were leftovers from a Disney on Ice performance in the area, didn't even look like she was having fun but was putting on a drunk act to fit in.