Recaps

SOUTHERN CHARM --

The Southern Charm reunions have certainly come a long way from those initial clubhouse sessions, but do we ever get to hear exactly what we’re hoping to hear? It’s usually just one giant tease, but at least we got our fair share of veiled threats and backhanded accusations on last night’s first installment with less screaming, for once. Andy Cohen begins by congratulating Craig Conover on passing the bar. He compliments the fierceness of Kathryn Dennis hair (RIP bump-its and bad extensions, thank goodness) while refraining from comment on her busted Scarlett O’Hara knock-off. Andy is happy to learn that Shep Rose has escaped the lingering enzyme, Thomas Ravenel loves being Mr. Mom (when he makes it out to the guest house), and Cameran Eubanks is glowing with a baby girl due in November. Mentioning Cam could name her daughter Landon, Andy basically skips over Landon Clements before announcing newbie Austen Kroll (Shep 2.0) has a nice ass. It’s not a lie!

The evening begins with some jovial Craig bashing as Shep teases him about being a jealous, lying wannabe mediator with no game whatsoever (so I’m paraphrasing). Craig cites quality over quantity when it comes to past hook-ups after Shep jokes that Craig sleeps in the bed with girls without even trying anything. Craig correctly reminds Shep that being respectful is far better than Shep’s nightly kiss-and-tells. Focusing more on the embroidery king, the jabs at Craig’s domesticity abound save for Cameran gushing about the onesie he created. Craig is a hobbyist, and he sits quietly as his friends tease him about going into gardening law. Shep jokes that Craig’s long-winded responses would make him a fortune as an attorney who is paid by the hour.

The Real Housewives of Orange County - Season 12

Washing up on the shores of the California beaches, amid the shells and driftwood, is the rubble of last season’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. Littering the sands with shards of shattered friendships, filthy accusations, and broken down dignities; a bent halo, some empty vodka and champs bottles, and Shannon Beador‘s former self, now soaked and waterlogged by the hours of tears she’s spilled over the terrible lies Vicki Gunvalson told. The fate of the world, and the Orange County coastline — along with the safety and health of Briana’s children – all rests in Vicki’s handbag! Thankfully she’s not crazy or anything…

So the taglines: let’s start there. What makes Tamra Judge “highly prized”? Or was she just proud of herself for coming up with a rhyme. Hook’d on Phonics worked for her! Vicki’s tagline informs us that she’s not going home, but what she means is that this show is her home, and you are not going to drop any interloping houses on her head! She clicked her ruby slippers together three times and dragged Briana from the land of tornadoes to get here. 

reality TV listings - Real Housewives of Orange County

Tonight Real Housewives Of Orange County returns for it’s 12th season! Yes, that means we’ve thus-far survived 11 seasons of Vicki Gunvalson and her ever-shifting truth.

So, before we get into the all-new drama, let’s take a trip down memory lane to relive all the craziness from season 11. Maybe a tequila will help refresh things?! And season 11 was full of crashes and burns (literally), boozes and burns (literally), and plenty of rides from hell.

The season opened with Vicki all by herself, and seeking absolution after lying – in some capacity – about what she knew about Brooks Ayers‘ phony cancer scheme. Obviously no one wants to forgive Vicki because it doesn’t seem possible that she totally didn’t realize he was faking a terminal illness for money and attention. 

Real Housewives of Potomac Reunion

As far as reunions go, The Real Housewives of Potomac are starting off slow. Sure, there was plenty of arguing and we even had a few false accusations and one reference to someone getting their ass beat. But for the most part, the ladies decided to use part one of the reunion as a warm up.

Before we go any further, let’s get to what really matters: rating their outfits from best to worst. I know y’all think I’m too hard on Miss Monique FIVE HOUSES Samuels and tonight will be no exception, but I have to give it to her as the best dressed of the night. Sure, the skirt of her ice skater dress was a tad extra, but the color was beautiful on her and her hair and makeup were flawless. I’m going to give Ashley Darby a close second for beautiful hair and makeup but had to deduct points for that dress that was one structured chest strap short of being found in the Star Trek costume closet.

Jorge-Anfisa-Car-Miserable-90-Day-Fiance

If you were Jorge (not that I’d wish that on my worst enemy), at what point would you perhaps think, “Hmm, maybe this sham of a marriage isn’t quite working out?” The thought certainly didn’t enter his mind when Anfisa shut down his phone, keyed his car, made him sleep in the garage, physically assaulted him, or threatened divorce. But on last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Jorge does have a moment (like, a single second) of clarity after Anfisa kicks him out of HIS OWN APARTMENT mere days before her green card is issued.

In Ohio, Danielle accuses Mohamed of being a gigolo. But he’s too busy on the prowl for American victim girlfriend number two. Russ and Paola continue to be a sad mess – as do Chantel and Pedro. And in riveting news, Loren and Alexi shift their focus from talking about strippers to crying about Tourettes.

Little Women LA Season Finale Recap: '80s Prom

It’s only fitting that season six of Little Women: LA ends with a marriage proposal, since there’s so much love in this group. (HA.) But at least it’s a change of pace from the baby boom of 2016. Plus, Tonya Banks’ relationship with Kerwin isn’t nearly as tragically screwed up as Briana Renee’s with Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] is. So – there’s that, right? (I know, I’m reaching here!) Drama still reigns though, as Terra Jole attempts to makes the ladies’ last event together, an ’80s prom, all about her. But it’s really Elena Gant who steals the show, emerging as the true Wonder Woman of this group when she lays down the law with both Terra and Briana.

At tennis, Jasmine Sorge and Terra hit balls, then sit down to rehash the dinner in which Terra screamed at both Elena and Christy McGinity Gibel. So, what’s Terra going to now? She’s going to deflect by bringing up the Briana/Matt mess, that’s what! Jasmine reiterates that Terra putting Christy’s video on blast ignited a fire, and she can’t keep blaming their problems on the police report. As for Elena, Terra thinks their friendship has changed ever since she competed on Dancing With The Stars. Yeah, it did. But she doesn’t own her part in why it changed. Jasmine suggest an ’80s prom theme party to get the group together, because we all know how well large group events go for this bunch!

Full-Cast-Dinner-Vermont-RHONY

Last night’s Real Housewives Of New York was all about manners and anal sex – and who has which, or both, or – oh hell! I don’t know. I do know that Dorinda Medley has very strong opinions about it all, and the artist formerly known as Countess Luann de Lesseps [D’Agostino] gets caught in Dorinda’s crosshairs because of it – sort of. Alas, having used up all of her “CLIP! CLIIIIIIPPPP!”s for the week, Gangsta Do is forced to come up with new ways of saying, I think you’re a world class asswipe, m’lady! to her trip mate.

It seems everyone has survived their first night in Vermont. Bethenny Frankel locking Luann in the basement hasn’t actually killed the NEW BRIDE, so the ladies are free to indulge in avocado toast before hitting the slopes. While Ramona Singer brings her sister-wife, Sonja Morgan, coffee in bed, Bethenny apologizes to Tinsley Mortimer for being cold to her at dinner the previous night. She’s going through her own relationship hell, so she doesn’t need to be piling on anyone else about theirs. Tinsley feels slightly relieved that she’ll be attacked by one less Housewife on this trip, but she’s still generally overwhelmed (because that is her default setting).

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Congrats, viewers! We survived season two of Real Housewives of Potomac and oh my, how things have changed around these parts. In season one, etiquette as outdated as Karen Huger’s kitchen was the name of the game and she was the Grand Dame of it all. Charrisse Jackson-Jordan was just starting to get an inkling that her husband not showing up for months on end might mean her marriage is on the rocks. Ashley Darby was still having regular sex with her sugar daddy husband and only using his money for shopping as opposed to running a restaurant into the ground. Robyn Dixon was pretending that her marriage/not marriage was totally normal. Ok, well that hasn’t changed. Neither has Gizelle Bryant hilariously sizing up any newcomers who have the nerve to be younger and have more money than she does. Enter Monique FIVE HOUSES Samuels, who is exactly that – younger, richer and oh, relentlessly braggy about everything in her life.