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Recaps

Below Deck Mediterranean - Hannah & Joao

Why are so many people unhappy on Below Deck Mediterranean? From the crew to the guests – why must all these interlopers to the bucolic scenery, ancient towns, and stunning blue water bring their cloudy, crusty, rosè tears, tequila tantrums, and salty swimsuit bottom dramas?

WHO LOOKS FOR REASONS TO COMPLAIN AMID ALL THAT BEAUTY? Well OK, I could see being unhappy with Joao Franco, but I can’t see willingly exposing yourself to his predatory nonsense ergo looking for reasons to be unhappy with him (I’m looking at you, Brooke Laughton and Kasey Cohen!).

As for everyone else being so sad – maybe it’s the realization that they pale miserably in comparison to everything the Mediterranean has to offer, which brings out the worst in these people. They are all the gumballs gunking up the deep blue sea.

Teen Mom: Young And Pregnant Reunion – Season 1

Well, it is here, the Teen Mom: Young and Pregnant reunion. Our girls are all grown up and watching the clips of them pregnant and having their babies in full makeup and fancy clothes. It is the typical reunion set up for the franchise, but no Dr. Drew. In fact, Nessa didn’t even host. I never thought I would miss either of them but I did. I forgot how the pacing of these reunion shows used to go when you scrunched everyone into the same hour and didn’t drag it out for three episodes and include a couple hallway fights and backstage temper tantrums.

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Big Lies (A Little Bit)

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. Both a little scared, neither one prepared…everyone on this freaking show. Okay, it’s not a fairytale, but it does involve some witches, evil spells and even a trip to the magical land of genies! Yes, this week’s 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After continues its journey into the abyss as a sweaty, grumpy Nicole lands in Morocco with poor little May while Azan rallies as much enthusiasm as he can muster for the marriage he never wanted. Molly flees her own home to escape Luis, Anfisa tries to threaten the truth out of Jorge (um, hint: it ain’t working!), and Chantel decides she still hates Pedro’s sister as much as The Family Chantel hates driving anywhere in separate vehicles.

Annie sinks into a deeper depression about her life with David in the firehouse, and Paola drones on about thirty minutes too long about why she can’t choose between Juan and Russ. Oh, the humanity! Since we have another full two hours of trash to root through, let’s dive right into the pile and begin with Nicole and Azan, shall we? Because they really are at the tippety top of the stank heap.

Southern Charm Recap: Where For (Clip) Art Thou?

Disclaimer: I had a grand epiphany during last night’s Southern Charm, and it is shared throughout the recap. I knew the hyped disappearance of Kathryn Dennis had nothing to do with falling off the wagon, so I was hellbent on figuring out Bravo’s angle. I was horribly wrong in my assumption. What’s that saying about when you assume? I become an *asshat. I’ll own it. Regardless, this show keeps getting better and better! Let’s dive right in, shall we?

As the Charmers get ready for their day, Cameran Eubanks revels in her boobaliciousness to Chelsea Meissner, Thomas Ravenel tries to drown himself in his bathroom sink, and Danni Baird and Naomie Olindo are worried about Kathryn’s whereabouts. She skipped out on a boxing class with Naomie, and she isn’t answering any calls. Danni realizes it has been four days since her last communication with Kathryn. Concerned, Naomie dials Shep Rose, but he’s not worried. Have you seen Kathryn’s phone? It’s probably on the fritz.

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Every Mayflower Has Its Thorn

Luann de Lesseps is fresh out of rehab, so of course, it’s time to whisk her away for a wine-fueled weekend and cruel reminders of her failed marriage. Naturally! The Real Housewives of New York head to the Mayflower Spa in CT, where Luann learns that Ramona Singer tried to score an invite to Tom D’Agostino’s New Year’s Eve party – yup, the very one Luann had heard about in dreaded NOT-WEST-PALM-BEACH! Dorinda Medley continues to peck at Sonja Morgan about her penchant for hanging on to the past, while Bethenny Frankel comes to Sonja’s rescue. Even weakened allies are still allies, I guess?

Before they leave, Luann greets Dorinda at her new apartment – you know, the one she barely moved into before getting cuffed and booked? The PENTHOUSE, dahling! Now, she’s baking cookies and brewing coffee in an effort to keep the rehab/yoga/therapy pink cloud going. Dorinda is glad Lu’s doing so well and hopes a trip to the spa will help her stay in a safe cocoon. Um, except that cocoon contains a Ramona, so…maybe not so safe. Luann’s already heard that Ramona was trying to score an invitation to Tom’s NYE party, which is mind-blowing considering what went down last year.

Kasey Cohen

Uh-oh somebody’s lying! On last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean, Hannah Ferrier discovered that Kasey Cohen lied on her CV and is completely unqualified to work on a super yacht! Meanwhile Joao Franco sucks up to Captain Sandy Yawn in an effort to undermine Conrad Empson while he’s crazy in love. The good news is we finally got some good guests! Not only were they not horrible, they were truly delightful.

The episode opens with the crew out on the town. Brooke Laughton is sulking on a dirty street corner like the naughty school girl she swears she’s not and gives Adam Glick some word salad about how much she likes him. When Adam doesn’t reciprocate she bursts into tears. I would’ve sworn Adam was the type who couldn’t resist a damsel in distress – turns out I was wrong! He gently explains to Brooke that she’s just drunk, lonely, and emotional. (Does anyone else suspect producers put her up to this to try and tempt Adam back into Sandy’s trap?!)

The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap – Petty Is As Petty Does

Have there ever been more frivolous fights on The Real Housewives of Potomac than the ones we witnessed tonight? Okay, season 1 had its moments, but the ladies were new to reality TV and could be forgiven for rookie mistakes. But several scenes tonight top my list of stupid stuff to fight about.

Gizelle Bryant and Robyn Dixon are on a mission to deliver a message to Karen Huger. I’m not sure exactly what their message is other than Robyn wants to say “Liar, liar, pants on fire”, and Gizelle wants to see Karen embarrassed. I’m getting Déjà vu from last year when the Green-Eyed Bandits crashed in to OZ while Ashley Darby was working and Robyn came at her, finger in face, screaming that Ashley needed to stop talking about Juan.

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: The Blame Game

Last night we saw the dimmest minuscule smidgeon of a brain cell fire in Nicole’s head. Why? Because she finally got a half-clue about Azan not being the stand up guy she thought he was for the past 3 years. You know – the guy who’s all too happy to sit on his unemployed buttocks all day, renewing his gym membership and going out to midnight coffee bars on Nicole’s Starbucks paycheck? Well, maybe not just on Nicole’s paycheck…because it seems Azan has other fish on his hook. And they might not demand as many french fries or shoulder sniffs as Nicole?

At the beginning of the show, Nicole gets a call mid-interview that alerts her about voicemails leaked online that sound very much like Azan telling someone he wants to kiss them, that “the kiss was good” and “I know you want it.” <dry heave> It’s unmistakably him, except he sounds breathy and gross in some sort of attempt at sexytimes talk. Much like Annie’s “boom boom” sex speech, we can never un-hear this. KILL ME.