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tm2-recap

Last night Teen Mom 2 seriously churned my stomach. Thanks Jenelle Evans!

While everyone else appears to be growing up, planning for the future and attempting to compromise (albeit accompanied by hysterical sobbing), Jenelle gets stupider by the day. Instead of ultrasounds she needs a brainscan for this amazing condition she's developed of never being able to make a rational choice - EVER! 

So let's start with Jenelle, shall we. Get your barf bag ready! 

Jenelle just took a pregnancy test and it said "pregnant!".  Babs is teaching Jace to count while Jenelle is scrutinizing the pregnancy test trying to count the lines – one is a very faint pink. Her friend Tori (of the bright red hair) is there to deliver the Come To Jesus lecture and help Jenelle decipher the test. As if Jenelle who's been pregnant as many times as Michelle Duggar can't figure this out. Maybe the second pink line is caused by the reflection of Tori's hair?

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dance moms abby 2

I am really having a hard time watching this mess. I can't even think of a witty introduction to last night's Dance Moms because I personally want to rip that bump-it out of Abby Lee Miller's hair every time she speaks. The girls have gone from fun-loving talents to terrified robots. Shame on her.

Abby, Melissa, and her daughters arrive in Los Angeles so that MacKenzie can get into the recording studio. What is Abby now? A pop star manufacturer? Abby wants to make sure that MacKenzie has the personality and energy to be a mini-Katy Perry. She interrupts the session to tell the poor girl that she is performing like Brooke, and that isn't a compliment. MacKenzie puts a little oomph into her singing, and Abby is finally seeing her star potential…at least one of us is. She and Abby head back to Pittsburgh while Maddie stays behind for a performance of her own.

With the start of the pyramid, Abby reminds the girls that she is looking for a dancer to be her Maddie when Maddie is off doing more important things…like a job in L.A. Nia is at the bottom because of her headpiece debacle, followed by Kendall. She's clearly the reason that her duet with Kalani didn't place first as Kalani and Maddie took the top prize in their duet. Of course, Kalani learns a bit about Abby and her fickle ways when she goes from the top of they pyramid to the bottom row. Chloe is third and praised for her duet Maddie, but she needs to work on her facial expressions. MacKenzie is in second for her brilliant work with the candy box in the group number. Christi wonders why MacKenzie is above Chloe after Chloe won both of her dances. Duh, Christi! The candy box! When Maddie is once again in the top spot, Jill scoff that it's predictable.  

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PLNW-sarah

Last night was the premiere of Private Lives of Nashville Wives and so far I'm loving it! The ladies and the friendships seem genuine and fun, the husbands are adorable, and the interactions seem authentic. The houses are fabulous but not ridiculous and the relationships seem authentic. 

It's CMA Festival week in Nashville which means the town is bumping with parties, events, music festivals. and entertainment. 

Jenny Terrell is my favorite wife so far. She is married to JT, who runs a party-supply company that everyone in Nashville uses, and she herself is a national sales director for Living Social. They have a son named Hank and JT is basically a stay-at-home dad as his business runs itself. "I should write a book," he jokes about balancing business, family, and love. "You should," Jenny agrees and the wheels start spinning. Their house looks like a tree house, BTW. 

They take Hank to the park and Jenny is wearing like a schoolgirl outfit with white tennis shoes and socks. Oooohhh… girl. No. I also don't think she owns a brush but maybe it's because she's too busy having fun to care. Isn't there a Living Social deal for hairbrushes or anti-frizz treatments or something?

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Screen Shot 2014-02-24 at 10.39.30 PM

Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills no one needed their sunglasses on the beaches of Puerto Rico, because it was shady allllll damn day and night. 

I don't know what to think. Is this a 4-way gang up on Lisa Vanderpump? Or is this Brandi Glanville and Yolanda Foster were once on a Dream Team with Lisa and for some odd reason decided to split and take Lisa down by pulling others into the middle? 

Meaning, that yes – Lisa was part of "tabloids-in-the-suitcase-gate" which is the new necklace-gate, which is the new-skipped-my-party-gate, which is the new stop-being-my-mama-gate which is the new ewww-get-my-husband's-mistress-out-my-plastic-face-gate, which is the new hair-flip-your-friends-talk-ish-about-you-gate, which is the new don't-talk-about-my-husband's-ALLEGED-cheating-gate. Basically we've come full circle and we're back to talking about Kyle Richards and Mauricio's cheating, which NO ONE – I repeat NO ONE – cared about in the first place except Kyle who probably planted the stories to begin with!

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being-farrah

Being Farrah entails many things. It does not entail telling the truth, accepting responsibility for your actions, or acting like an adult – just an adult film star. 

We check in with the former Teen Mom as if we haven't seen enough of her on Couples Therapy, and Farrah Abraham tells us she's raising Sophia alone – or not because she's actually living with her dad Michael and traveling all over for her big important career of not being in the adult entertainment industry or taking a break from reality TV.

While Farrah is off being Farrah, Michael is actually raising Sophia in the huge enormous house Farrah's not being a porn star career paid for, but she doesn't want to talk about all that. Like ick!  Now that MTV is back, so is Farrah. Lucky Sophia! 

Debra and Michael are now divorced. Debra moved 1000 miles away and was happy in isolation until MTV knocked on her door with cameras. "How did you find me?" she whispers. "Leave me alone…" Next time try the witness protection program, Debra! And try wearing a less flamboyant coat than that full-length leopard-print number. 

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rhoa-recap

Aaaahhh… NeNe Leakes - you know what they say: the higher the heel, the farther the fall.

Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta, NeNe and her former BRIDEmaid Marlo Hampton got into a huge argument over nonsense. 

Overnight it seems Kenya Moore and Marlo have become tighter than Marlo's wardrobe. Although I don't think anyone would describe them as friends – more like thick as thieves because they are up to some plotting! 

Reeling in the aftermath of Kenya's charity event in which NeNe was honored but not honored (nor honorable) NeNe admits to Gregg (aka Tagalong) that she turned into NayNay, her super-ghetto alter-ego who likes to go all PLONK! and circumstance. As he listens to his wife's tale of woe, Gregg is sipping coffee from a toilet-shaped mug. I can't help but wonder… Is Gregg's toilet mug an indication of the status of his life? He's flushed his integrity and self-respect down the toilet for fame.

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sister-wives-recap

Tamron Hall is a saint to moderate the Wives Tell All episode of Sister Wives, but I hate she has to start off immediately asking about the commitment ceremony and that damn mission statement. Of course, Robyn pipes up first with a very canned and rehearsed response. I am so distracted by how much make-up they're all wearing. Has Kody been spray tanning? Is that Botox? It looks like Truely may have done poor Janelle's make-up, and Christine appears to have been styled by Minnie Mouse.

Meri's emotional roller coaster over being an empty nester is revisited. Mariah may be going off to college, but at least she has her wet bar!  Meri admits that she still doesn't know what her role will be in the family. She may want to take a sabbatical to find herself. Robyn is angry…she helped Meri raise Mariah, and she wants the favor returned. Kody's face is going to give me nightmares. Robyn thinks that Meri has so much to give to the remaining kids. Meri likens her loss to if one of Kody's wives died, but Kody reminds her that she still talks to Mariah everyday. She needs to get over it. 

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sister wives

It's finally arrived…that dagnabbit commitment ceremony on the finale of Sister Wives.. It certainly took long enough, didn't it? The celebration of Kody Brown and his women is in full force. This party is much bigger than it needs to be I anticipated with 200 guests and multiple items from the rental company…not to mention 7000 individual servings of food. Yes, you read that correctly. Meri's sister is at the helm of the kitchen with her mom is in charge of determining the portion sizes. She loves math. The kitchen looks like a Pinterest nightmare. 

The event planner pretends to be excited about the inauguration of the mission statement. The wind is whipping through the cul-de-sac compound, and canvas displays and strings of lights are swirling around like Dorothy's house. Thankfully, fashion designer Sam has enlisted her mother to help with the dresses. I am concerned that Sam is going to snap. Janelle is missing a sleeve and Robyn is missing a dress. Sam has totally given up on the Meri's colossal nightmare. Can you blame her? 

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