Recaps

The Real Housewives of New Jersey - Season 6

It’s been over a year since Real Housewives Of New Jersey last aired. The show paused while Teresa Giudice was on an extended “away” in prison. Time flies when you’re having fun, right?!

Let’s be honest – season 5 was essentially the lost season. Nothing much happened because everyone was far more interested in how Teresa’s legal issues were playing out in real time. Also, everyone was just so freaking tired of the deja-view Gorgadice Family Feud, so Bravo was conflicted: They weren’t sure what to do with the show, but they sure as hell didn’t want to miss capturing Teresa’s unfolding legal situation. Conundrum! 

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Ramona & Luann

On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, the woes of thy vagina continued. Also Luann de Lesseps wonders why these bitches won’t be happy that she’s madly in love! It seems Luann answered her own question there, and the operative word is “bitches” – those bitches can’t be happy for her, because they’re bitches.  OK, OK… that’s not entirely true, and more on this later… I know you cannot wait for my rambling musings on the many contrary behaviors of Housewives. 

But first, Bethenny Frankel has taken a break from randomly bleeding all over Manhattan to launch Skinnygirl Chocolate. She decides to “go bold” by wearing a bright red wig, which considering what’s going on south of Bethenny’s equator, I dunno… maybe a little too close for comfort? Or maybe Bethenny wanted the drapes to match the curtains?

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southern-charm-reunion-part2

It’s not an actual Bravo reunion unless someone storm off stage, right? After last week’s Southern Charm reunion installment, I had high (as in elevated, not on something) hopes for the final hour. In response to Landon Clements giddily calling out Kathryn Dennis for failing a court ordered drug test, Kathryn high tails it to the saloon, kicking up tumbleweeds in her wake. Okay, so she really just barricades herself in her dressing room. She is finally cajoled out of hiding by a producer, worried that this type of chatter from her cast mates could affect her custody battle with Thomas Ravenel, as Cameran Eubanks, Landon, and Whitney Sudler-Smith complain to Andy that this is how it is to have to film with her for the show. 

Kathryn returns to the stage as quickly as she fled, giving Andy Cohen a big “no comment” to any questions about said drug test. When T-Rav interjects to educate us on how far back the hair follicle test can check for illegal substances, Kathryn counters that he didn’t take the same test she took. His test wasn’t as far-reaching as to how many months back it could indicate drug use, and he shaved his entire body to make sure he couldn’t give a body hair sample (which apparently can detect use up to six months prior, as opposed to hair from one’s scalp). Science!

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Famously Single Recap

Time for another installment of Famously Single and I know you guys can’t wait. Last week, we saw the flirtation between Aubrey O’Day and Pauly D turn into action (they argued/made out) and flirtation between Brandi Glanville and Calum Best crash and burn (they argued/she cried herself to sleep).

The next morning, Calum tries to redeem himself from being a complete prick by getting Brandi flowers for her birthday. Jessica White tells Brandi that if she likes him, she will just have to put up with him acting jealous. Brilliant advice from another single who has racked up the frequent failure miles when it comes to relationships.

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Below Deck Mediterranean Recap

Thanks to Karen for writing the recaps these past two weeks while I was on vacation! As my family and I enjoyed the sun and sea of the Caribbean, I tried to avoid the incessant forced fun that our resort staff was serving up. I’ll admit though, as I heard the strained shrieks from staff to “shake that booty!” by the pool bar, I wondered if Danny Zureikat was on the microphone? Because he would have been the MVP of that scene, FO SHO.

After catching up on these last weeks’ shows, it looks like Danny has been sent to his room without phone privileges. And he is running a fever. How…fitting. Meanwhile, it looks like Hannah Ferrier is clinging to any port in a storm – namely, Julia D’ Albert-Pusey’s castoff, the eternally goofy Bobby Giancola – after being summarily rejected by Ben Robinson. I also gather that Bryan Kattenburg is still in First Place for Most Obnoxious Human (a close race, with this bunch!). So, for the motley crew of Below Deck Mediterranean, all is as it should be! 

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Luann is done groveling

Other than the Bloody Vagina portions of the show, I loved last night’s Real Housewives Of New York. There was just the right mixture of drama and suspense, coupled with heart-felt friendship moments. WHAT WOULD RHONY DO WITHOUT DORINDA MEDLEY?! She is everyone’s friend in a meaningful way, never fake, and truly takes time to help these women without judgement. All Housewives shows need a Dorinda! In other happenings, Luann de Lesseps emancipated herself from trying to get into anyone’s good graces – she’s getting married and she don’t give a damn, so “F–k these bitches!” You heard it: Straight from the Countess’ mouth. 

While Bethenny Frankel was preoccupied by bleeding about the groins, the other ladies were empowering their ovaries and realizing…screw this Bethenny Controlled Dictatorship – it’s mutiny time. Rise Up! They’ll go on their OWN trip. They’ll seize the sails and steer this ship in a new direction. The Countess went rogue and she don’t care about Carole RadziVille (said vaudville style). 

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famously-single-brandi

In case you haven’t heard, not only is it hard to be famous, but it’s hard to be single. Remember guys, I’m using the term “famous” loosely. Either way, this is basically the long and the short of E!’s Famously Single and the show tries really hard to draw the correlation between being a D list celeb and that standing in the way of finding a healthy relationship.

In group therapy, Dr. Darcy Sterling thinks it’s time to talk about sex. Calum Best doesn’t seem to understand the difference between sex and a relationship and Willis McGahee says he doesn’t go into his relationships thinking he’s going to cheat, it just kind of happens. Aubrey O’Day, the enlightened being that she is, says she doesn’t have casual sex because it doesn’t do anything for her spirit. Brandi Glanville admits that she has a recycling bin of men that she can have sex with but it’s not casual, because she knows them. The group is shocked to learn that Pauly D has never made love, but really wants to and would like some tips. I have lots of tips when it comes to this dysfunctional bunch but I suppose that’s not the point of the recap.

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Below Deck Mediterranean Recap

Last week on Below Deck Mediterranean, Deckhand Danny Zureikat continued his quest to rub every last crew member the wrong way and this time, it was Chief Stewardess, Hannah Ferrier.

We jump right back into where we left off, with Hannah storming off from dinner and her fight with Danny and Julia d’Albert Pusey running after her.

When she finally catches up, Hannah expresses how upset she is that Chef Ben Robinson never sticks up for her. When everyone gets back to the ship, Hannah requests to speak with Ben outside and wants to define if they are work colleagues or friends. He dances around giving a specific answer and a tearful Hannah has nothing left to do but go to bed.

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