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tamra barney ugly cry face

Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County everybody was having a meltdown. I swear Andy Cohen needs to have staff psychiatrists at these Housewives shoots! 

We begin at Lizzie Rovsek‘s dinner party on the balcony of bitchery. Shannon Beador is over-whipped into a frenzy and Tamra Judge is making things worse by grabbing at her face and yelling under the guise of calming her down. Shannon became more agitated thinking Tamra’s bad Botox was contagious. “I was trying to restrain her,” huffs Tamra.

Finally David helps Shannon into her coat to escort her out of the party. I’m pretty sure he was planning to drive her to Cedars Mt. Sinai for the Britney Spears suite. Vicki Gunvalson runs outside to confront Shannon and it seemed genuine. She encouraged Shannon to just go home and not deal with this anymore today. 

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game-of-crowns

This episode of Game of Crowns can be summed up by the following statement: Nick the cop is crazy. After last week’s TMZ report of Nick biting Vanassa Sebastian’s husband’s ear not once, but twice, during a brawl at the “non Bravo sanctioned” GOC preview party, one can only watch Nick’s antics toward the ladies in last night’s episode with a tainted lens – otherwise known as totally accurate judgment. Oh, and besides getting screamed at and threatened by Leha Guilmette’s husband (and his father!), the ladies also competed in a Mrs. America pageant. So, let’s get to it.

We’re reminded that Lori-Ann Marchese and Leha are both in Arizona competing for Mrs. America while Shelley Carbone, Vanassa, and Susanna Paliotta are flying down to bet on them like racehorses support them. We pick up outside of the airport where Vanassa and Susanna’s matchy-matchy twinkie jumpsuits caused a major blowout, with both women screaming insults at each other.   The trio manages to load their luggage into the car, get to the hotel, and choose appropriately distanced bedrooms from their respective frenemies despite the drama. Once there, Susanna takes Vanassa aside to “work through their issues.” Susanna claims she feels bad for Vanassa because Vanassa is the “typical alpha male” who needs to “pee on everything to mark her territory.” Ironic coming from the woman who went to great lengths to wear the same tacky jumpsuit as Vanassa with the express purpose of starting World War Who Cares.

 Kris Jenner Zipline

On last night’s episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians the Kardashian Klan invaded Thailand for a family vacation. Our condolences go out to Thailand. Kim Kardashian decides to torture gift Kanye West with a book of selfies. Rob Kardashian goes MIA and Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner bicker like an old married couple, that is no longer married. Go figure.

Things kick off at Rob’s apartment. Khloe Kardashian is homeless y’all. I find it hard to believe anyone with an estimated net worth of $18 million could be homeless. Not to mention her mother has a home the size of Disneyland and her step father offered her to crash at his Malibu mansion just last episode. Nice try Khloe, but you my dear are not homeless and I don’t expect to see you at the soup kitchen anytime soon. Khloe and Rob’s relationship is borderline incestuous. Actually it’s not even borderline, it just is. Rob gifts Khloe with sex toys as a welcome present and Khloe announces she will wear lingerie for him. Khloe admits their relationship is like a married couple. I can’t believe I’m going to say this – I’m actually looking forward to Kim taking selfies.

teresa gets a dictionary from kathy

It’s nice to know that no matter how many seasons of Real Housewives of New Jersey we have, some things will remain the same. Teresa Giudice will always be delusional, Melissa Gorga will always be pretending to be someone she’s not (i.e. rich), and the fashions will always be an abomination that is almost unbelievable! 

While Teresa is in denial about potentially going to prison – and perhaps if you’re headed to prison the only way to get through is to be in denial – she’s planning for Christmas with her daughters. I will say, and I may regret saying this, Teresa seems much more humbled, sincere, and real this season.  

All the Jersians are preparing for Christmas in their own way: Dina Manzo has to put the tree outside because her hairless cat Botox is afraid of it or something. Maybe seeing his reflection in the shiny ornaments was traumatizing. Lexi is waiting for college admissions letters, but has her heart set only on NYU. Dina encourages her to throw a rock over a bridge and let go of preconceived notions of destiny. #ZenByBravo Dina needs to stop getting her life tips from old episodes of Dr. Phil

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kody baby sister wives

I know y’all are sad you won’t be seeing Kody Brown’s gorgeous locks, fancy side ponytail, and denim tuxedo for a while, but alas, last night was the season finale of Sister Wives. The family is back in Las Vegas, which means no more road trip hijinks or Kody shiz shows when “someone” forgets to tightly screw in the tube on the camper’s sewage valve. Ahh, memories. Instead, the season’s final episode treated us to yet another family party. These folks have to commemorate every event with a veggie tray and mission statement, that’s for sure. 

The family is prepping for a slide show that chronicles the family since Kody’s wedding to Meri up through his (not recognized by law) union with Robyn. Good times! The crafy Browns are also putting together a scrapbook of their journey through the years. Robyn is thrilled because it’s the first album in which she’ll make an appearance. Self-absorbed much? Kody is strutting a blue tooth (what is this 2009?) and that horrible ponytail that makes him look like a cartoon samurai while dodging inquiries from Christine and daughter Aspyn about Robyn’s growing belly. He fumbles over a “no, she’s not pregnant, what are you talking about?” statement while grinning ear to ear. Don’t ever play poker, Kody. Really. Don’t. 

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kim-kroy-dbts

Kim Zolciak, Kroy Biermann and their kids are back with a new season of Don’t Be Tardy

We kick things off with the twins arriving today! This brings the Biermann family total to lucky number 19!  Er, I mean, 8.  Kim and Kroy are heading to the hospital and saying goodbye to everyone as if they’re going for pizza and will be back in an hour.  Brielle was like “Later, I’m taking a nap”.  I’m assuming this milestone has become uneventful since Kim has literally been to this rodeo 37 times before.

We are then treated to a montage of pictures that are essentially selfies, selfies and more selfies.  I mean, who kisses your husband and takes a selfie at the same time? With your eyes open?  Totally normal. Not weird at all.  Just when I start to think the entire show will be Kim narrating over selfies, we get a glance at their dream house finally finished.  Slowly my mind starts drifting off thinking how much are the property taxes, hell, even the monthly electric bill – and we see that it’s 17,000 square feet of pure of Kim Zolciak.  She’s done Julia Sugarbaker proud.  Exhibit A: The candy cane room, an ode to a red-striped couch.  Um, OK.

 little-women-la

Does anyone else just love watching bachelorette parties on reality TV shows? I know I do, especially when they involve Las Vegas, and this episode of Little Women: LA did not let me down!

“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!”… Unless you’re on a reality TV show and the whole thing is being filmed for millions of people to watch. Terra Jole, Tonya Banks, Traci Harrison, Briana Mason, Christy McGinty, and Elena Gant arrive at their hotel. I guess Traci and Christy decided to have a joint bachelorette party after all. Elena tells us that they are going to party it up tonight, because the boys will be arriving the following day.

 The girls have a brief discussion about how much attention they received in the lobby for being little people. Apparently, there was a lot of staring. Most of the girls laugh it off, but it really bothers Traci. They try to decide on plans for the day and evening. Some want to go to the pool, some want to go to the club, and Christy wants to go skydiving. In their bedroom, Christy tells Elena and Briana how she hopes to see some glimpses of the “old Traci” this weekend, who was a little more wild and fun, back in the day.

eddie cibrian leann rimes reality show episode 1

Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes are taking a cue from Brandi Glanville and realizing there are better ways than Twitter to tell your story and repaint the picture that is your life: reality TV! 

Their reality show LeAnn & Eddie premieres tomorrow on VH1, but the network released an advance screening. The show is a so-called inside glimpse into the little known world of LeEddie. “Everyone thinks they know us,” Eddie saucily tells us, “but there’s two sides to every story.” I wonder how long it took Sir Genius to come up with that one?!  

The premiere, titled “Fifty Million Ways To Leave Your Lover,” confronts allegations that the couple is headed for a $50 million dollar divorce because Eddie is cheating and LeAnn is crazy. They don’t expect us to believe that. But, um… too bad – cause we do! Because they are really trying to use this show to put on an act about how happy, in love, and honest they are. 

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