After the blow up between Dorinda, Bethenny Frankel, and Ramona at the brassiere (or “brawr” – depending on who you ask) party, everyone has a drink and Dorinda puffs a Newport Light 100 (or maybe it was one of Jules Wainstein‘s Virginia Slims left over from 1977 kept in a fireproof dry box under the bed, the blessed creatures pulled out for emergencies only. She better buy some on eBay to get through Real Housewives Of New York).
Dun dun DA dun DA dun dun! Cue the Imperial March theme because, folks, Matt Ericson is about to stroll right into to his own exploding Death Star! While the inevitable destruction of the dark side may initially come from the merry band of incessant nags surrounding Briana Renee (aka, her “friends”), a new hope springs from within! Because this time, Briana is listening to them. And miracle of miracles – even Jasmine Sorge is on board with the Resistance!
After celebrating her Ride or Die wedding with Clyde, the honeymoon was over when Briana got wind of, what else? More d**k pics! Because, of course, Matt has sent them hither and yon, all across the galaxy. Ah, blessed internet. How we love thee! (Oh yeah – Christy McGinity and Terra Jole continue their bickering over who concussed who, and Elena Gant reveals the gender of her twins. But that’s really just window dressing for the real story at hand here – MORE D*CK PICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Thus, we come to the bitter end of a contentious season of Little Women: LA. While babies abound – Terra, Briana, and Elena are all pregnant – Briana must decide whether to stand by her baby daddy, delete all of his social media accounts and pretend like nothing happened, or move on.
I never thought I’d say this but the best thing about last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion was Erika Jayne-Girardi patting the puss. Aside from that it was all journeys all the time from the Yolanda Foster Files, which has more confusing story lines than The X Files (which actually isn’t too much of a stretch in the weirdness department!).
Lisa Vanderpump is wearing battle armor designed by Tom Ford. Initially it sounds like he made it for her, specifically, but then Andy notices Erika was wearing “the shirt version” in her interview talking head. The color looks better on LVP. Not wanting us to forget that she’s chronically ill – for even a moment!!! – Yolanda’s dress resembles bandages and medical gauze. I’m surprised she wasn’t wheeled out on a stretcher with Daisy insisting Glam Squads cause co-infections. Maybe her seat on the couch reclines?
Wait, I’m confused…Dance Moms is going to go on without Maddie? Do you hate us that much, Phil Collins? In the wake of Melissa’s announcement, the ALDC team wants to soak up the last few weeks they have with Maddie and MacKenzie. While they’re obviously sad to see them leave (at least the girls are), it’s clear that everyone is excited for what’s to come in Maddie’s skyrocketing career. Jill believes that even though she’s not showing her true feelings, Abby Lee Miller is secretly seething over the news. In other new, Jill is a candidate for MENSA.
At pyramid, Abby rakes her team over the coals for a second place group number, but it’s a step up from not placing the week before. JoJo is on the bottom, and she jokes that she’s been on the bottom a lot lately. This child’s attitude is everything, but Jessalyn objects to JoJo’s placement–she worked hard and did well last week! Abby rips JoJo’s picture from the pyramid, yelling, “We’ll move her!” before placing her at the top of the pyramid and laughing. JoJo is thrilled. Jessalyn is thankful Abby didn’t throw her daughter’s head shot on the ground and stomp on it. If I were everyone in the studio, I’d be slowly backing away…it’s clearly a sign that Abby’s about to go totally loco. Brynn is now the bottom-most dancer for not dancing, with MacKenzie on her heels for not showing enough emotion in her duet with Nia. When MacKenzie tears up, Abby warns her not to be a crybaby. Emotions are only for the stage! Speaking of, Nia’s dancing was emotional and beautiful, but only third rung of the pyramid awesome. Kendall, Maddie, and Kalani make up the second tier in that order. She praises them all.
We barely saw Corey Simms on last night’s episode of Teen Mom 2 – even Nathan Griffith had more air time than him! – but other than that, last night’s episode was centered on dads, the old, the new, the steps, and the born again.
Chelsea Houska wants to replace Aubree’s old dad, Adam Lind, with new dad, Cole DeBoer. Adam accepts Cole as Aubree’s step-dad, but refuses to be ousted as DAD. Isaac’s step-dad, Javi Marroquin, is about to leave for a six month deployment, and dad, Jo Rivera, is prepared to help Kailyn Lowry. Jenelle Evans considers letting Nathan see his son, while she celebrates her birthday in New York with David Eason, who has a couple of kids of his own. AndLeah Messer is getting along especially well with Addie’s dad, Jeremy Calvert. She thinks there may be a new spark with her old flame, which would conveniently spare her from having a fourth kid with a third man.
Real Housewives Of Dallas is sending mixed messages: is this show about poop or charity? I don’t think they go together unless the charity has something to do with colonoscopies. Also, the ladies are so immature! Am I watching Real Housewives Of Kindergarten? If the rest of the season is going to be bathroom humor (teeheehee) with LeeAnne Locken pursing her lips and growling over charity, then someone needs to get their poopin’ potootie back into the editing room!
The drama between LeeAnne and Brandi Redmond has grown legs – specifically Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader legs. LeeAnne and Brandi’s mutual friend Marie, the woman who hosted the charity event where Brandi and LeeAnne argued, invites Brandi to show her daughter some DCC dance moves. (Has anyone ever watched that Cowboys cheerleader reality show on CMT? GUILTY PLEASURE!).
I no longer dread Mondays thanks to the dear cast members of Southern Charm. Whether they are unpacking wedding gifts in the eleventh hour to host a dinner party or channeling their inner Knight Rider to escape a polo match, there is something mesmerizing about this crew. That said, while I love the light-hearted friendships and silly situations, the darkness that is starting to overshadow the show is sad. These are real people. Y’all know that…you follow them on social media! Let’s get started with last night’s recap, shall we?
As the charmers prepare for another day in the Holy City, Craig Conover is channeling his inner Ryan Serhant with his monochromatic shirt and tie combo. He’s hoping to beat JD into the office because HashtagNewCraig is a go-getter. Across town, Shepard “Shep” Rose is facetiming with his mom and relishing in being a home owner. Not only is he glad to not be bunking at Sullivan’s with Whitney Sudler-Smith, the ladies dig his home ownership. It makes Shep look like he’s got his shiz together…and that’s going to be important if he expects the city’s Board of Architectural Review to green light an above-ground pool and bar on his roof.
Last week, we watched what theShahs of Sunset do what they do best – throw expensive parties and drink too much. This week, we are starting to see how each cast member’s story line will shape up over the course of the season.