Recaps

rhonj-season-6-reunion

Last night was part 3 of the Real Housewives Of New Jersey reunion and it was officially the end of an era. Teresa Giudice, headed to prion in a few scant months, told Andy Cohen this was probably it for her – she meant it – she seemed at peace and ready to move on. “I 80% regret doing the show and 20% don’t,” she admitted.

Teresa didn’t go into why she regrets it, but I think we can all surmise that one of those reasons was sitting to her left in a white dress, and the other two were backstage pretending to be pure of motive, while eating cannoli, and the third one was in the green room having his 5th or 6th glass of rotten egg smelling wine; tawking too loud and laughing a bit too convincingly like everything was OK. Now sure, Teresa is mostly sowrry she got caught defrauding banks, but I think she’s mostly mostly sowrry that she’s realized how much she has to lose. Mostly her dawters – she wishes she could take them with her because she’ll miss them so much. 

Teresa says her favorite memory on the show was Audriana being born in season 2. And when she gets out of jail she doesn’t think she’ll be back – instead she wants a cooking show. I do not think Teresa will be back. I think she will get a spinoff, of that I am positive. Will she take that spinoff? Who knows. Yes, she’s broke. And I also think this the perfect time for Bravo to wipe the slate clean and completely start afresh with all new women. Sowrry Melis

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lisa vanderpump is firing people at SUR

Oh Vanderpump Rules never fails to disappoint does it!? And last night Peter Madrigal was allll riled up,  which is HOTTT times a million. I digress. The important things were that in the battle of the girly-men, Tom Sandoval got his false eyelashes ripped off and his delicate constitution bruised, and James Kennedy got his size 23 skinny jeans protected by Kristen Doute, who was punching the beglitter out of Tom 1. Pent up rage, anyone? 

Tom Schwartz, well he tried in vain (“vain” being the operative word) to break things up, but OMG – his hair! His pearly, flawless skin! His modeling career.

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love and hip hop hollywood nikki

Love & Hip Hop  Hollywood gets more and more ridiculous every week…so why do I love it? That’s easy…just ask the former B2Kers! :) Last night’s episode begins, and the unveiling of the Face of Ace of Diamonds has totally floored Nikki. She can’t believe that Masika thinks her face will grace any inch of property owned by her parents. Hazel is spying from the bar, and Teairra can’t be bothered with her former friend. The fireworks between Nikki and Masika are going to be far more exciting. All four women (for lack of a better word) come together to air their issues. When Hazel tries to talk a big game about Berg and Teairra, Masika then recites the laundry list of rumors that Hazel has been spreading about Teairra. Is this really a club opening because no one seems fazed by these four crazy women screaming in the bar? Plus, there only seem to be about five other people there. The evening is taken over as the girls gang up on Hazel, leaving Nikki a bit disappointed she wasn’t able to go off on Masika as planned. 

After her smack down by Moniece, Amanda wants Fizz to put his baby mama in her place. She’s been trying to reach him, but he’s been ignoring her since she stepped out on him again. Amanda glosses over what she and Moniece were saying to each other before the hair pulling occurred, and she basically tells Fizz he needs to check his ex. Fizz reminds Amanda that she shouldn’t have taken it upon herself to meet up with Moniece (especially when they were on a break), and all she hears is that he isn’t on her side. 

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apollo nida is sentenced to 8 years in prison - RHOA recap

Last night’s premiere episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta was alllll about Apollo Nida. And let’s just get one thing out of the way first: Apollo looks fiiiiiine with that full beard! (I know – there is something wrong with me. I admit that). 

It’s sentencing day for Apollo but Phaedra Parks is nowhere to be found. She strapped on her beehive and fled to Augustus, GA with their sons, Ayden and Dylan. Phaedra tells her mother she doesn’t want her sons exposed to the situation and there are paparazzi outside their house. In reality Phaedra is pissed – whole ‘nother level pissed – and rightfully so! 

Over at Phaedra’s house, the remodel is looking fabulous, and the paparazzi are… invisible! Only Apollo, that beard, making some eggs when his brother shows up. His brother?! Wha… never would have expected a goofy white kid to be the brother of Apollo. Apollo admits that what he did was wrong, but not that wrong – I mean it can be fixed! Apparently he has been sipping from the Teresa Giudice denial juice, comes in two sparkling flavors: Whaddyagonnado? and At The End Of The Day… 

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 my five wives

On last night’s My Five Wives, Rhonda pursues adoption, Robyn attempts writing a children’s book, all of the women get mammograms, and Brady Williams does absolutely nothing.

Rhonda talks to Rosemary about waiting for the results of her mammogram, which she’s nervous about. Since she quit her job, Rhonda wants to pursue adopting a child again, although she’s faced obstacles in the past trying to adopt as a polygamist. 1: I can only imagine what the adoption agency’s reaction is when Rhonda calls them up. And 2: Why? Just…WHY?  

rhonj recap teresa aprea, nicole napolitano defend their men

Last night was the second installment of the Real Housewives Of New Jersey reunion. I don’t want to go into the stupidness that is stupid Teresa Giudice and her stupid financial nonsense and stupid decisions that made her go to jail. I mean damn, read what you sign, ask questions if you don’t understand – hello! 

The most laughable comment from the whole reunion was Teresa trying to convince us that she’s usually a very conscientious-y type of person who “always dots her ‘I’s and crosses her ‘T’s.” First of all, she knows two letters in the alphabet? Bet they were both used a lot in the PLEA AGREEMENT Teresa didn’t read, but signed. Second of all, if you were a routine “i” dotter or a “t” crosser you’d not get indicted for bankruptcy fraud or sign fake W-2s because you’d actually make sure the people you hire, like your accountant, are doing their jobs! And finally – I’m frankly surprised Teresa was able to use that expression correctly. I would fully expect her to say something like “I’m the type-a person who crosses eyes and dots my teacup, with you know, fabulicious teas – coming soon!” 

Let’s just say this, Denial is the longest river in New Jersey. The river of denial flows right out of Melissa Gorga‘s $3.8 million Montville mansion (where they had the big ol’ plumbing disaster and the leaky pipes and the plastic sink) and it roars down the hill into the chicken coops of Teresa and Joe’s purloined marble encrusted converted trailer, built at the base of Mount Tackiola. Now for sale, delusion included in purchase price! 

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 million-dollar-listing-finale (3)

He’s baaaack! On last night’s season finale of Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles, viewers were finally treated with the return of Malibu Madison Hildebrand. Bravo producers had teased this early on in the season but decided to hold out until the very end. And it’s a good thing. He was just the ray of sunshine needed to wrap things up after last week’s hankyfest. But if you blinked, you may have missed him fraternizing with the Brits!

Speaking of…James Harris and David Parnes, aspiring to expand their business along the California coastline, are enlisted by client, Christine, to sell her home in Laguna Beach. However, they are greeted with a chilly reception from the local agents at their open house. One broker in particular gets all up in their business and asks what they are doing there. Well, this is America and we have a right to free enterprise. Anywhere. Same as you do, lady. The Brits ‘shake it off, shake it off’ like Taylor Swift and joke that the shade they are getting is because of their accents and clothes. Not quite. But I get where the agents are coming from – they live and breathe Laguna Beach. This is their value add to potential buyers in the area. They are just being protective of their tightknit community. It would be no different if either of the Joshes encroached on their territory. But not as much for Madison who, looking quite refreshed, (don’t blink) stops by to take a look around.   The Brits would be wise to connect with him, the self-anointed ‘Beach Guy’, as he has done business there before and this type of clientele is his bread and butter.

vanderpump rules season 3 premiere recap selfie

Remember how last season on Vanderpump Rules everyone busted Kristen Doute‘s thongbutt for cheating on Tom 1? Well this season she’s accusing him of cheating on new girlfriend Ariana Madix. I dunno kids – it seems kinda transparent to me, like Kristen just wants Tom 1 all to herself and back in her thong-th-thong-thong-thong! (In case you’re wondering why I keep bringing up thongs, it’s cause Bravo gave us a lovely shot of Kristen’s thong butt).

This season everyone on VPR has undergone metamorphosis after the insane betrayals and they’ve grown. Except for Kristen. She’s stayed the same. Well, maybe she’s grown more crazy – we’ll wait on assessing that. 

Kristen is supposedly madly in love with 22-year-old Baby Einstein (Slowstein? He ain’t sharp) DJ James Kennedy, who is trying awfully hard to get some attention on this here TeeVee thingy. First he tried to be besties with Tom 1, but when that didn’t get his pale, pastiness on camera, he decided screwing the desperate and maligned Kristen would have to suffice. Other than famewhoring, James enjoys BeamerSelfies. We’ll get to that later. So anyway, everyone has learned. Everyone has grown. 

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