It may have originally been said by Alice Roosevelt Longworth, but last night, Andy Cohen was certainly channeling his inner Clairee Belcher who, in the best movie ever known to man (tied with Goonies, of course) cooed, “Well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!” That’s pretty much how it went down on the first hour of the Southern Charm reunion. Can I just say how thrilled I am that the crew finally got a proper reunion and wasn’t crammed into the WWHL clubhouse? Finally, right??
Before I get into the meat of the show, I’d like to make a few observations. I try not to share too much of my personal feelings (some of y’all may disagree with that statement, but I do try), but we all know a reunion is 30% footage and maybe 70% reaction, so I need a bit of filler. Y’all ready? People have commented before that I am too easy on the cast because I’m starstruck by people I could run into at Harris Teeter. You would be ninety percent correct.
Last night someone on Real Housewives Of Orange County was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Of course that’s not surprising. At. All. But what is surprising is that Kelly Dodd claims it was her husband Michael, former COO of a massive company, who was the afflicted. Are we sure Kelly didn’t misread something? After all, she isVicki GunvlasonJr. – and we know how Vicki happens to misread medical documents!
Oh last night was a doozy. Everyone is on a yacht with Vicki fauxpologizing to Heather Dubrow about her presumed role in the Brooks assumed cancer scam. Obviously this conversation went on and on, but we got like 4 disjointed snippets of Vicktim pretending she has no idea why the women are angry with her after she admitted to seeing “red flags” but reacted by yelling, “Buy my cancer juice! Love my boyfriend! I Do! I DO! I DO! I DO! Oh wait – there’s no altar, but I do see a cross! I’m persecuted like Jesus! WOO HOO!”
Mercedes “MJ” Javid is still trying to process her (supposed) breakup with boyfriend, Tommy Feight, who I am actually starting to miss. There, I said it. Mike Shouhed is quickly losing hope that estranged wife, Jessica Parido, will make an appearance in Belize after an awkward invite from resident sh*t-stirrer,Reza Farahan. Finally, not to be out done in the “drama that doesn’t really need to be so dramatic” category, Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi went off on her last ally, Shervin Roohparvar, when he got tired of watching her pound drinks and smoke ciggs and simultaneously complain about rheumatoid arthritis treatments that may or may not be exaggerated.
“Nothing is off limits,” she said. “A two hour honest discussion,” she said. All I heard coming out of Erica Hill’s mouth at the beginning of last night’s Sister Wives tell-all was “TWOHOURSTWOHOURSTWOHOURS!!!” But, if we’re going to get some dirt on the Browns, I’m in for sure. The sit down starts with the easy stuff…Kody and Robyn’s new daughter Aria. Kody brags about how much the baby loves him, and Janelle and Christine get emotional seeing footage of the birth for the first time. The group discusses hospital births in the polygamist community, and Kody says he’s ready to grow up and stop having kids, although he realizes the decision is out of his hands. Robyn plays coy about whether she will have more children.
Erica highlights Robyn’s feisty behavior throughout her pregnancy, and Kody seems genuinely peeved that his other wives found her curtness towards him to be hilarious. The group jokes about the perks of the women overlapping with their pregnancies since it allowed Meri to help breast feed Maddie when Janelle didn’t produce enough milk. While that didn’t bond the pair back in the day, Meri and Janelle are now working on their relationship. When asked if they consider themselves to be friends Janelle quietly nods as Meri offers up an unconvincing, “I think so.” Janelle cites that Christine is the good common denominator that helped them get along. When Erica asks about individual relationships, Kody doesn’t understand the question. As he tries to talk over Christine, his giggly third wife patiently explains what Erica was asking. Erica already seems over Kody.
Who wants to know more about the life and times of Luann de Lesseps? If you answered “yes”, then Bravo has a treat for you – an hour long look into what happens before you join the largest reality TV franchise in history. Dust off your book of etiquette and brush up on your française, because it’s time to chat with The Countess of Real Housewives of New York.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, the subject on everyone’s lips was blood and Luann de Lesseps. Does Luann have blood on her hands for ruining the group in her refusal to play the role of Bethenny Frankel‘s sycophant? Well, it appears none of that matters quite so much in the wake of Bethenny‘s health issue.
I don’t even think Luann made an appearance last night, but she was revived with her own ‘Before They Were Housewives’ special which aired after the show and my has she had quite a fascinating life.
Anyway, unfortunately, both Bethenny and Jules Wainstein spent their off-hours at Lenox Hill Hospital getting their vaginal areas investigated and mended. More on that later…
Last week, on the premiere of Famously Single, we met the cast of “celebrities”, who are really just a hodge podge of randos desperately clinging to what little notoriety they once had. We were left with the cliffhanger of finding out who their new dating coaches would be and (plot twist!!!) it’s two of the people they met while out boozing it up and misbehaving in some run down VIP section of a club.
SURPRISE! It’s Laurel, who was sexually propositioned by a sloppy drunk Willis McGahee and Robert, who was dismissed by Aubrey O’Day. The dating coaches begin to share their feedback and Robert admits that he found it refreshing that Aubrey could go deep in their conversation but was disappointed that she didn’t think he was good enough for a goodbye. Laurel basically told Willis in the nicest way possible that he is gross. She also had interactions with Calum Best, who she thought was playing for the cameras and Josh Murray, who was downright rude. Dr. Darcy Sterling explains to everyone that Laurel and Robert are here to give the Singletons the nuts and bolts of dating while they go through the process.
After rough waters between First Mate Bryan Kattenburg and misguided gnome of a Deckhand Danny Zureikat, we are being treated to some beach sun and fun with the horny charter guests of the moment on Below Deck Mediterranean. Fellow Deckhand Bobby Giancola and Danny have been invited to join the all-male guests to party on the beach and compete to see who can kiss a bar-dancing girl first. You would think I’m making this up, but I can assure you, I’m not. Bobby makes a sad/valiant attempt but is shot down. Danny scores by jumping on the bar and joining her and is rewarded with an awkward kiss on the cheek, which is all this poor girl could muster.
Back on the Ionian Princess, Chief Stewardess Hannah Ferrier isn’t feeling well but won’t let her pride or a migraine take her away from her duties! DeckhandJen Riservato tries in vain to please an unimpressed Bryan with her window cleaning abilities. Hannah is busy calling Danny but to no avail because Danny is knee deep in women, hopping around them like a coked up elf. He finally calls back to Hannah to let them know they are coming back with the guests for dinner, plus 8 random women.