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So far, the Married to Medicine reunion has covered the unspoken hierarchy among the cast, arrest records, broken friendships, never-ending gossip, and the season-long feud between Mariah Huq and Toya Bush-Harris. Part one ended with Andy Cohen welcoming Lucy to the stage.

WHY?!? The reunion does not need Lucy's input. In my opinion, Mariah's mother has NO place at the reunion, especially considering the husbands are not even there. Nevertheless, Lucy makes an appearance, and she is just as annoying as I feared. 

Right out of the gate, Lucy plays the victim, crying about how bad Toya hurt her family. "Friends do not do that," she says. "There's no excuse for it." So, Andy points out, Lucy said she was happy that "Mariah beat Toya" and she, too, smacked Toya in the head with her purse. Lucy is like, I AM happy that Mariah beat her, and she's lucky I didn't attack her too. I'm confused. So, beating on your friends is perfectly acceptable, then? 

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So last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy was all about growing up. And sadly Kim Zolciak doesn't wanna grow up! 

Things begin with a sullen Brielle watching KJ. Brielle decides to entertain him by putting him to work sweatshop labor style as her manicurist. Sadly, KJ's fine motor skills haven't totally refined yet and he gets nail polish all over his face. Hey toddler – go play with some toxic chemicals! Babysitting By Bravo. 

Brielle is grounded from her cell phone, TV, and computer since her grades were bad. And unfortunately it's report card day  and Brielle has failed math and science. She has a 90% in Spanish though which is good since Kim has hired Spanish-speaking nannies and the only thing Kim knows how to say is Tequila and Taco. 

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rhoc-recap

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County struggled with the past as several of them explored troubled relationships. 

Things begin with Heather Dubrow strolling into Tamra Barney's hovel, running her finger over a dusty faux finished surface and chirping "This is… nice!" Afterwards she took several showers in Lysol and asked her assistant to burn all the Chanel that sat on the Pier One Imports clearance chairs. 'It was horrible,' she bemoaned to her therapist later that week… 'The napkins… they were POLYESTER!' 

Anyway, Heather is there to discuss the Terry issue. See Terry … well, he just sucks but Heather guesses she'll forgive him. Something about seeing Tamra's little house in a subdivision, filled with sub-par finishings, and a pantry that only one person can fit in at a time made Heather see the light. Yes, yes… Terry may be annoying and corny, but good lord she's not on her third marriage to a third wealthy imposter. Looking on the bright side! 

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It's weird to think that the couples of Newlyweds: The First Year have only been married for three months.  It seems like ages, doesn't it?  Blair Late and Jeff Pedersen exchange vows before rocking out at a chic reception, while Kim and Alaska Gedeon don't see eye to eye on…well, anything.  Kathryn Bougadis is happy to be running a tanning salon, although John Lagoudes worries that they shouldn't be business partners.  Tina Sugandh creates a very unsexy sex calendar for a frustrated Tarz Ludwigsen .

Jeff and Blair head to historic Savannah, Georgia for their ceremony, and the couple is hosting a red, white, and blue party.  For patriotic Blair, the Fourth of July is almost as exciting as Christmas.  Friends toast the happy couple, and uptight Jeff is trying to enjoy the evening while having a touching talk with Blair's mom.

Tina and Tarz head to the gynecologist to talk about fertility.  Tina is disappointed that her doctor seems so young, and she is perplexed that the gynecologist isn't buying into her theories about how to up her chances for having a girl.  The doctor is extremely intense, but I can't tell if she's joking when she tells Tina she's on the verge of being very old.  She instructs the couple of the three times they should have sex each month.  Only three?  Tarz is disappointed.

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Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta was especially hilarious.  While we weren't treated to nearly enough of Joseline Hernandez' one-liners, we did get to witness the most backwards and ridiculous job interview I've ever seen.  K. Michelle proved yet again that she's not at all homophobic (cough, cough), and we got to meet Lil' Scrappy's amazingly normal dad.  I wasn't expecting that at all!

Mimi Faust is meeting up with Stevie J. to talk about their daughter, but of course, he wants to know all about the Stevie knock-off she's dating.  Why does Mimi act so suprised that he isn't able to have an adult conversation?  Stevie gets offended that Mimi doesn't like their young daughter around the inappropriate Joseline, but it's nothing he can't get past with some smooth talk and a shot of liquor.  What do these women see in him?  He reminds her that beside their daughter, they also share a matching tattoo that will bind them together forever.  Is he for real?

It turns out that Traci is friends with Shay, so the pair are lunching and chatting about the Lil' Scrappy and Erica Dixon situation.  Shay wanted to pay back Scrappy for his behavior, but she's tempted to just be happy that he's happy.  Traci agrees that the latter is the better route.  She's spent so much time plotting and slashing tires and beating up girls in the course of her time with Drew, and she tells Shay it's better just to let time heal all wounds.  Shay is not quite convinced, and I am officially scared of Traci.

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married-to-medicine-reunion-part-one-dr-jackie-quad-mariah-kari-toya-dr-simone

Happy Memorial Day! Due to the holiday, I'm going to keep this recap of the Married to Medicine reunion short and sweet. 

Andy Cohen welcomes Kari Wells, Toya Bush-Harris, Dr. Simone Whitmore, Dr. Jackie Walters, Quad Webb-Lunceford, and Mariah Huq to the stage. Then, in order to annoy viewers as soon as possible, he asks Mariah, the show's queen bee, creator, and executive producer, to introduce the cast.

The "fierce, fabulous, and fun-loving" Quad is Mariah's best friend. She's basically the queen bee in training and some call her Mariah's puppet. Mariah refers to Dr. Jackie as Dr. Gandhi, adding that she's always prim, proper, and lady-like. Dr. Simone's less than glowing review goes something like, she's always in your face with a vodka in her hand. How insulting. This is going to be a very long hour.

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Welcome to the scripted reality television land of Wigs N Cigs where a 40-something 35-year-old woman has never heard of an IUD and can't get along with her parents to save her life. If you were confused for a second; nope that's not Brielle's storyline – it's Kim Zolciak's!

On last night's installment of Don't Be Tardy, Bravo seemed to prove that the only reason Kim got a second spinoff was to exploit the legal/custodial drama happening with her parents because other than that this show has ZERO going on except for completely fabricated and ridiculous plots. 

So Kim and Kroy Biermann take a walk in the woods and decide they are ready for a third child. I mean what else does Kim have to do; she doesn't work and she has two nannies for her other two kids so she can basically sit around and be prego, ensuring her investments will grow and grow. I believe they call that an "installment plan"? Ask, conceive and receive! 

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rhoc-recap

Real Housewives of Orange County was full all about actors last night. Except the only person who was legitimately doing any acting was Heather Dubrow. And no – she wasn't acting like a biatch this episode. Oh wait… yes she was but not as part of her real life, but as part of a role she was hired to play. But not for Bravo. AAAAHHH! I'm so confused… 

Things begin with a blast from the past. Gold digging expert Lauri Peterson is resurrected to give Tamra Barney a little advice on making marriage number three last. Third times a charm, eh! They meet up at a jewelry store and Lauri looks great. All three of her children are doing well and good for her – hopefully life is going smoothly. 

Since Lauri and Tamra were never really friends they resort to talking about someone they have in common: Vicki Gunvalson. Tamra fills Lauri in on how post-divorce Vicki is like soooo delusional and dating a loser. Lauri snickers and chooses this time to remind Tamra about how Vicki broke up her marriage to Simon. That's a great thing to be discussing while you're choosing a wedding ring for your third betrothed. #ManEaters

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