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rhonj-recap

Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey some tepid family bonds were forged while others remained more fractured than a crackle manicure. Oh deja Jersey – coming back to haunt us like bad ju-ju! 

Things begin with the aftermath of Joe Gorga's gym baptism by fire. Poison is driving home talking to himself, mumbling "bitch" and other little rude names. The voices in his head really shouldn't be so hard on him. He's only a man, after all. A flawed one, but still only a man with a penchant for weight lifting, Tarzan-ing, and embarrassing himself. 

He stomps into the house where a perfectly made up Melissa Gorga is relaxing on her bed begging daughter Antonia to "write" her book for her. Melissa tells Antonia about including stories about her own dad in the book. Melissa is running the including her dad thing by everyone as if she really cares about anyone's opinion. Girl is going to include all her dad's dirrry secrets because it sells books and there is no point to writing a book if it isn't to sell it!

Melissa says she doesn't want her daughter to see the type of family life she had and right on cue here comes Poison grunting and talking himself down from jumping off the faux-marble roof as he barges in to let Melissa know that Teresa Giudice was ranting about fake Chanel on Twitter or something. 

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Two weeks in a row without Abby Lee Miller is my idea of a nice vacation…if the show isn't on for me to recap.  However, two weeks with minimal Abby on Dance Moms while Cathy and her Candy Apples take the stage?  No thanks.  It puts me to sleep just thinking about it.

Maddie is in Los Angeles to perform on Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition.  Abby thinks its so wonderful of Maddie to take advantage of the networking opportunity that this situation will provide for her.

We get about fifteen seconds of Maddie's rehearsal before we're stuck back in Ohio with Cathy and her apples.  Cathy has abandoned the pyramid scheme she stole from Abby in exchange for an "apple tree."  So basically, it's a pyramid of apples.  So glad to see someone at Cathy's studio has mastered clip art.  We're treated to a montage of the newbies talking about what a positive learning environment Cathy's studio is while reshowing the clip from Abby's UDC where she calls Hadley "roadkill."

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Oh the Biermanns!

Last night was the season finale of Don't Be Tardy and guess what?! Kim Zolciak is pregnant again. As if we didn't know it already, Wigs n Cigs!

Before the big pregnancy reveal, Kim toted her existing kids to Turks and Caicos to celebrate Brielle's 16th birthday. Proving she is so the daughter of Wigs Delightful, Brielle complained, "It's not the Bahamas, but I'll take it."

Apparently it's not that Brielle has anything against Turks and Caicos, she has something against Kroy Biermann coming along on the vacation, screwing up yet another Wig family tradition. Oh and she really wants a car. 

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vicki-gunvalson-woohoo

Woo Hoo! We're 100! And we look every day of it. 

My, my – how things have changed on Real Housewives of Orange County since the beginning! And I can't say all the changes have been good things. 

Last night the show celebrated its 100th episode with a 2-hour flashback/recap of some of the show's most iconic moments. Among the milestones was catching up with some of the memorable cast mates throughout the 8-season run and discussing current cast member's reflections to how the show has evolved.

Tamra Barney, you will be relieved to know, hasn't changed one single iota except her hair has gotten less frizzy and her boobs smaller. Thank God for small mercies… #sarcasm In her casting video Tamra is a grade-A bitch and says when producers told her they were deciding between her and one other woman for the spot she turned up the ruthlessness. 

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What a difference a year season makes!  After watching Kim and Alaska Gedeon, Tina Sugandh and Tarz Ludwigsen, Blair Late and Jeff Pedersen, and Kathryn Bougadis and John Lagoudes navigate the first year of marriage, we were treated to the finale of Newlyweds: The First Year last night!

Kim and Alaska are finally taking their much needed honeymoon, and while they arrived from opposite coasts, Kim is hoping that the trip is just what the couple needs to fix their emotional distance.  While they take things into the bedroom, Blair and Jeff are taking it to the therapist's office…to talk about the bedroom.  Blair reveals that they had a passionate sex life in the beginning, but now Jeff is just having a relationship with Palm-ela and her five sisters.  Blair's feelings are hurt to hear that Jeff tries to hold off on masturbating for days at a time so he's up for sex.  Jeff is fine with sex once a week.  While he'd love extra affection, he doesn't like how Blair always manipulates those innocent moments into sex.

Kathryn has been in labor for thirteen hours, and her doctor decides she should have a C-section.  After grueling time at the hospital, John is ecstatic to meet his son.  Precious.

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Last night's Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta was a hair-raising event.  There were pee tests gone wrong, break-ups gone terribly wrong, and the worst weave and bubbly cocktail establishment opening to date in the history of reality television.  Of course, it may have been the first weave and cocktail store ever, but still….

Karlie Redd calls Mimi Faust to give her some intel about Nikko.  The women head out shopping, and while Mimi finds Karlie to be super messy, she wants to hear what Karlie has to say.  Karlie reveals that Nikko has been trying to hook up with her, and she has text messages from friends of friends to prove it.  Mimi sees the proof, and it's almost as if she's gotten the excuse she wanted to kick Nikko to the curb.

After Joseline Hernandez and Stevie's J.'s blow-up, he feels like he was too harsh on her.  Translation:  Now that he's got Mimi in his back pocket thanks to the BMW purchase, he needs to straighten things out with the one groupie who will do anything for him.  Joseline admits that she has a tough exterior, but she's missed her Stevie.  She wants to work on her music with him, and he thinks that they need to go the independent route to promote her new songs.  The pair share a pinky swear and all is right with the world.

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Princesses: Long Island tells the same story every week. This week's Jewish husband finding adventure – with a side dish of Erica Gimbel was too hot to handle in high school – begins with Amanda Bertoncini and Chanel "Coco" Omari shopping for dresses for Ashlee White's upcoming 30th birthday bash. 

First, Chanel tells Amanda that ex-boyfriend Michael, who dumped her twice to hook up with his 19-year-old ex-girlfriend, is trying to weasel his way back into her life. Chanel vows to never let that happen again. Amanda tries on a tank top and pretends that is a "super hot" dress. Oy. She best not show too much vagina or her boyfriend will run away. Finally, the princesses try on a few more dresses and get "Coco Bootylicious" in the store.

While having her hair done for the party, Ashlee jokes about turning 30 while looking 4. HAHA. Can someone please explain to Ashlee that "too little to ride alone at Disney" does not equate "looks 4 years old"? She looks like she's pushing 40. Ashlee goes on to to brag about her "huge" party because she's annoying like that.

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rhonj-recap

Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey it was another round of tit-for-tat over the most mundane crap imaginable. I mean, maybe it's not mundane if it's your family, but after 2.5 seasons of the storyline that never ends, I think we're all a bit tired of the Gorgadice family feud. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results, I think we can all officially declare the Gorgadices "insane". Right, Dr. Jacqueline Laurita, wino-behavioral specialist! 

Things begin – oh who really cares where they begin because this show is like a loop everything ends and begins in the same exact spot so that you never know which episode is which and what exactly happened. Let's start with Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga rehashing birthday party-gate to their respective spouses while their kids all listen nearby. 

Melissa is flipping some pancakes and Poison is deciding if they'll liquefy in his intestines so we all have to hear about his explosive diarrhea again, then she tells him something else vomit-inducing; that Teresa and Kim D (Teresa's soldier in the hideous hair extension army) like attacked her at Gia's party. And it was like sooooo terrible, and now she has to go into witness protection, and she did so visit her FIL in the hospital for like hours and hours and hours except she was in the lobby on twitter and reading magazines so he didn't actually see her. Meanwhile Antonia's just hanging out in the background. 

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