Last night was the first half of the Mob Wives season finale, and it's not even worth attempting an introduction, so let's just dive in, shall we? Renee Graziano shows up at Big Ang's house, as does Drita D'avanzo. The ladies eat, drink, and chat about Renee's journaling and lack of sex. All of this has lead Renee to write her own version of 50 Shades of Gray. Enter Renee's "sex book." So there's that. It's fiction according to Renee. If it was real, she'd be in a much better place. Renee reads excerpts from her novel, and it's dirty, which is good, right? Her publisher is hosting a launch party for her. That is apparently what reality stars do.
In Philly, Natalie Guercio is meeting with Alicia diMichele Garofalo to discuss Alicia's situation with her sentencing. She admits that she took off her wedding rings after hearing her husband's wire taps. She is ready for divorce, but she's terrified about her sentencing. Natalie is scared for her friend's future. Later, Ang and Drita are planning a one-on-one with Natalie at Ang's house to discuss Natalie's recent behavior. They are upset about Natalie's recent Twitter battle with Renee. Natalie believes that if Renee is able to dish it on social media, she should be able to take it. Drita and Ang wonder why Natalie felt the need to get involved in the first place. Has Natalie watched this show before? She should know better than to awaken the Twitter beast in Renee. The women warn Natalie play nice.
First observation, there is an obscene amount of food on the table, including a buttery chocolate croissant. Of course! A viewer wants to know – when MJ talks down to someone and they get upset, she says they need thicker skin. But, when Mike tells MJ not to eat a buttery chocolate croissant, she goes fifty shades of crazy on him. MJ admits that she exploded BUT only because Mike's advice was unsolicited.
MJ adds, "I don't need a lesson about my body image – and I definitely do not need it from him because we're not sleeping together." Andy tells MJ to enjoy all the buttery chocolate croissants she wants during the reunion. MJ's three-sizes-too-small dress begs, please no!
Last night the ladies of Teen Mom 2 complained a lot, made future plans, and in some cases displayed a delusion so deep the Pacific Ocean way out in California couldn't engulf it.
Kailyn Lowry is never happy – even when there's cake. Even when there's caramel + cake. She literally is the Snuffleupagus of reality TV. She's stressed by wedding planning and Jo not doing what she wants, then Javi has to go and stress her out more by surprising her with keys to the new house!
Instead of celebrating, Kail snuffles about how much it would suck if they had to move because of Jo. Say it with me now: should have thought of that BEFORE buying a house! Javi, sweet Javi, marvels that he's twenty, a homeowner, and a father. Say it with me now: Should have thought of that BEFORE hooking up with Kail!
I don't even have words for Abby Lee Miller, and I have started to dread watching Dance Moms. My heart breaks for these little girls! New dance mom Kira and daughter Kalani have replaced Kelly, Brooke, and Paige, as Abby has kicked them out of the studio and banned them from the premises after Kelly broke her bump-it. Abby warns Kira that the moms can be vicious so she'd better have up her guard. Holly, Melissa, and Jill question how long Kira will be joining them, but they don't get any straight answers.
Not surprisingly, Brooke and Paige are at the bottom of the pyramid. Abby reminds everyone that they are no longer a part of the ALDC. Then why put them in the pyramid at all? Nia follows for messing up during the group number. Chloe rounds out the bottom, with Abby reminding her that usually when she does duets, she gets first place. Well, she would have gotten first had Abby not entered Maddie and Kalani at the last minute! Kendall is in the fourth spot because she was fine in the group dance and Jill kept her mouth shut. MacKenzie is in third, and Abby warns her to watch out because she's seen a lot of talent. Maddie is in the second spot, and her face says it all. Kalani is on top, which confuses the moms.
Something curious has happened to Tom 1 over the course of Vanderpump Rules. He's grown from a boy to a man. He has freed himself from the shackles of Kristen Doute's psychotic tyranny and Stassi Schroeder's emotional manipulations and terrible party planning. He has flourished from a sad, aimless emotional wrecking ball to a proud manish metrosexual.
Last night Tom 1 let his anger roar as he took down Stassi, put Kristen in her place, and practically ground Jax Taylor's aging meathead under his boot heel. And never did a hair bend out of shape! Is Ariana Madix responsible for this surge in testosterone – as if releasing himself from Kristen has allowed Tom 1's poor shriveled manliness to blossom Phoenix-style.
Whatever – I was impressed. Take no prisoners Tom. Actually, no, do take Jax prisoner and lock him away from the rest of us because boy deserves to do hard time not these puny 'you can keep your designer sweater' jail stints!
Everything Housewives gets "gated". And here on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we have graduated from cheating-gate, and hair-gate, and lastminutecancellation-gate, to necklace-gate; and most excitingly: you'recursed-gate. It's been a while since we've had a good curse on Housewives #Season1CamilleGrammer #Pernicious.
So that's what we're dealing with here and like sand through the hourglass these here are the days of our caftans. Cause you know, Kyle Richards was on Days of Our Lives for a splits richards second.
Anyway, Brandi Glanville has a problem with her tongue and her mouth and her speech and her general planet trashiness was affected by wonky aspirin. Which is a good thing because she also has a problem with *gasp* Lisa Vanderpump. Appprrrrrntly, Lisa holds within her bejeweled hands the power to deport people, destroy their lives, poison their aspirin, and dig up their ex-husband's long-dead mistress from the grave to release her from her coffin on the very moment when you walk into a Bravo-sponsored season finale party at her restaurant. Or something like that that. Cause if anyone knows how to work a good curse it's not plastic tits on a tan witch Snarlton Gebbia, but Giggy-loving Lisa!
Certain ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta need to read Secrets of A Southern Belle… – it should be required reading! But if everyone behaved civilly there wouldn't be any of that potent drama! Also, an evite does not an invitation make. When did the evite replace the speakerphone invite?! Technology sucks! Next we'll be tweet-viting.
Kenya Moore is throwing an "elegant Eyes Wide Shut" masquerade ball in the theme of shade. Because NeNe Leakes is furious with her for "ruining" her pillow talk nightmare, Kenya is returning the favor by setting NeNe up to ruin one of her parties. Kenya is sending out evites, she's planning the event with Marlo Hamptonand she's decided to make NeNe the secret guest of honor by having the party actually be a charity auction where the proceeds benefit NeNe's favorite charity.
But – and here's the big BUTT – Kenya isn't going to bother to call NeNe on the phone to discuss how she's the guest of honor. "I'm gonna kill her with kindness," Kenya threatens, adding that she wants to mend things with NeNe because she used to look up to her as an "older sister". NeNe and Kenya are the same age (46 and 43).
Kenya and Marlo discuss her plan at Miss Lawrence's salon (I thought he lost his license?). Marlo warns Kenya that she's looking at months of the silent treatment out of NeNe after pillow talk. Kenya rubs her hands together, cackles her evil laugh, eyes flashing and bellows 'I know how to make a bitch squeal!' Eyes wide shut indeed.
Blah, blah, mission statement, yada, yada, yada commitment ceremony. Give me something to work with, Browns! Last night's Sister Wives was more of the same as the family prepped for their big party. The yards of the cul-de-sac compound are almost complete, so that's one thing they can check off their list, but what about dresses for the wives and the actual mission statement itself? Kody jokes that with four wives it's easier to make decision because it's like he has a committee to get things done. Christine recognizes that in a monogamous relationship there is no tie-breaker. It's so profound.
One of Janelle's friend's daughter has just graduated from school with a degree in fashion design, and she's volunteered to create four custom dresses. Each wife has a vision for her dress because, you know, they're "fashion designers" in addition to being "jewelry designers." Not surprisingly, Meri is asking a ton of questions and has countless opinions. She wants edgy, not elegant. No worries there! Janelle admits that she has warned Sam the designer about how picky particular Meri can be. I guess we're not the only ones still harping on her need for a wet bar!
Kody and his wives are meeting with their family therapist to get assistance with their mission statement. Christine fancies herself quite the writer, although her wife counterparts aren't too sure. Robyn gets choked up every time they read over it. Of course she does. She's mainly concerned with how the completed mission statements will be displayed. Somebody call Cracker Barrel to get some ideas! Kody wants the statement immortalized on canvas and signed by all the wives. Janelle is worried that putting it on canvas could be limiting if Kody gets another wife. While she doesn't foresee Kody getting another wife, they didn't foresee Robyn coming either. Ouch. Kody thinks he's pretty much done with wives. Meri is worried that once the the mission statement is completed and the commitment ceremony is over, the family will sink back into dysfunction. Kody wishes Meri wouldn't be such a Debbie Downer all the time. Amen.