“I’m on a boat, and it’s going fast and, I’ve got a nautical themed penis folded afghan…I’m the king of the world on a boat like Lee (oh! Ha!), if you’re on the shore, then you’re sure not me…oh!” Yes, I am a huge Lonely Island fan. Of course, I am also a Below Deckfanatic, and the show has yet to disappoint me so far this season. I just hope I don’t run out of ship-themed intros!
As last night’s episode begins, the Eros crew has five hours before the new charter guests arrive. True to form, Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is bawling on the phone to her dad about how mean Kate Chastain is as a boss. Her dad quickly reminds her that she has a job to do and her boss is there to make sure she does it properly. Amy Johnson sympathizes with Rocky as she was Kate’s punching bag last season. Amy promises to help alleviate any of the tension as long as Rocky is willing to work with her to make sure things get done. Rocky is no quitter, so she dries her tears, makes weird faces at the camera, and sets her sights on doing anything but what is asked of her. Sounds about right…
Can we stop talking about cancer? Obviously it’s terrible, but does an entire season of Real Housewives really need to be devoted to questioning it, discussing it, and arguing over who is the expert on it. Especially when ME-ME-ME-Meghan, the person most vociferously insisting she’s the so-called expert can’t even figure out how to make MINUTE RICE!! (This same person then brags that a meal containing Minute Rice is healthy. Oh honey… have you learned nothing from Vicki: cancer loves processed food!).
Hasta la vista, Atlanta. It’s time to say hello to Hollywood. Last night was the premiere of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood. In case you missed it, Soulja Boy hasn’t gotten any smarter (nor have the ladies who love him), Hazel E isn’t making better decisions, and Ray-J is every bit as whiny as you remember if…if not more. The episode begins with Teairra Mari, Moniece, and Apryl Jones are lounging on the beach, with Moniece revealing she’s in a relationship with a new man who shall remain nameless–for the time being at least. Teairra has washed her hands of her relationship with Ray-J, and the women revel in the gossip of Princess’ recent arrest in New Orleans on the heels of an altercation with Ray. Apryl, sporting a new nose ring, interjects to say she’s planning a post-baby party, but she’s invited her new friend Princess. Teairra promises that she’ll behave if Princess can do the same. Apryl hopes she’s able to be the bigger person.
Across town, Hazel has ditched her obsession with Berg and is back in the studio with producer Milan. She’s mourning the recent loss of her grandfather and was surprised that former friend Teairra reached out to her after his funeral. Milan has been seeing someone for a while, and he’s ready to get married and start a family. It’s a conversation he needs to have with his love, although he’s not sure how it will be received. He is apparently the antithesis of every other dude on this show.
Last night Real Housewives Of New York revealed secrets. Such secrets as Bethenny Frankel is the only woman in NYC who has abandoned waxing. And sadly, it’s all over. But there were no fat ladies singing – only ex-countesses with autotune.
The big storylines were that Carole Radziwill has forgotten how to be an author and Josh and KristenTaekman had a 10-year anniversary celebration for which Kristen busted out her wedding gown. Also, Ramona Singer confessed that there were fractures in Ramonja. That’s it – the world is ending! But there was a new RHONY dynamic duo to replace them- Harole (Heather and Carole). In the end Ramona and Sonja Morgan hugged and made-up because after an adult lifetime of friendship and drama, of course there will be times when they don’t see eye-to-eye or support each other in the right way.
Bethenny and Dorinda Medley meet for drinks to swap stories about their past lives being broke and waitressing. Both credit the hard work, volatile environment, and required sucking up for tips to their current success because they’re not afraid to speak their minds, be bold, or mix cough medicine with booze. Bethenny loves Dorinda because she’s a broad. Hey, isn’t that why we all like Dorinda? In fact, all these long seasons – what was RHONY doing here without Dorinda?!
On last night’s Little Women: LA, truces were struck and twerks were had. We pick up at Terra Jole and Tonya Banks’beach bonfire, where Jasmine Sorge is defending herself for the thousandth time against the wrath of Tonya. Jasmine finally apologizes “if she ever disrespected” Tonya, telling her they don’t have to be best friends to be cordial in the future. Tonya accepts, then offers an apology in return. Which is shocking. They even hug it out in the end…then the earth cracks open and swallows everyone up, because this here is some serious fiction. Or is it? Hard to tell these days!
Christy McGinty is meeting up with the dubiously titled “internet personalities” Pauly and GloZell (Green), who have used Christy in past comedy videos on YouTube. They’re making a new one titled “Lip Gloss” and want not only Christy, but her gaggle of friends to be part of it. Terra and Tonya are Pauly’s top 2 choices, but Christy’s nervous about getting Terra on board since she basically dissed her music video last year. She’s going to try her best though.
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from this tropic port, aboard this giant ship. The mate was a mighty sailing man, the skipper brave and sure. The newbies were a crazy bunch looking for a bitchy resting face cure. On last night’s Below Deck, Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow proved once again that she is a whiny horndog who is used to getting her way, Don Abenante proved once again that he is a whiny meathead who is too good to use a mop, and Connie Arias proved that she may be the only semi-normal, halfway likable newbie aboard Captian Lee Rosbach’s Eros.
The episode begins as Bosun Eddie Lucas and Chief Stew Kate Chastain summon Rocky and Emile Kotze down from the radar, warning both that it could fry their brains or at the very least knock them off the yacht and send them toppling into the ocean. Are these people for real? Eddie then threatens to fire Emile if he does anything that stupid again. Rocky gets a more passive aggressive but similar speech from Kate. Luckily, Captain Lee is going to have the final word. Rocky smirks as she’s scolded and then complains that everyone is making a mountain out of a mole hill. The charter guests are still recovering from the foam party and have decided to sleep in, which makes Kate very grateful.
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County there were arguments galore about, of all things, Brooks Ayers. Of course. Meghan Edmonds and Vicki Gunvalson both were out of line and Jimmy Edmonds demonstrated that he does not want to be a Real Housewife, nor does he appear to want to be married to one! Good luck with wife number 4 as somepeople say.
Meghan has decided she is the foremost authority on all cancers and all cancer treatments in all the worlds. Being that she is part of the oncology department at Johns Hopkins. Oh wait, no. She’s not. She just knows how to Google. Kind of. I mean in between doing Hayley’s homework. When Vicki doesn’t want to take her advice and sees through her fake tears about how she caaaaares so deeply, Meghan calls Vicki a “bitter old woman.” Well, Meghan, keep acting how you’re acting and this is your future!
The bottom line is this: Meghan’s concern is insincere. She clearly believed the psychic (or someone else put the idea into her head that Brooks‘ cancer diagnosis is questionable) and her true intent is to catch Vicki in a so-called lie. Vicki sees through her – it’s more transparent than Tamra Judge‘s lace catsuit (and just as classless and desperate). The bottom line is no one’s health is the same, and neither is their health treatment.
The reunion begins with Joseline responding to her statement on an After Party episode that Mimi was her b*tch as well as Stevie’s. She reveals that the pair had a threesome together. Mimi doesn’t deny it, instead she just claims to be sickened by Joseline. Stevie reiterates his same old tired excuse that he had many foggy nights back in the day. It gets pretty intense as Joseline describes the encounter shared, adding that a lot of begging took place. Mimi clarifies that it wasn’t a threesome by definition. Instead, she and Joseline took turns with Stevie, but they were all present. Momma Dee interrupts to remind everyone that as long as you’re having fun that’s all that matters. Ariane never knew about this dalliance, but she’s proud of her friend for being so adventurous. Wasn’t a sex tape adventurous enough? Everyone claims it was a one time thing, and Joseline apologizes for her treatment of Mimi which Mimi seems to accept it. They agree that Stevie has been the root of their issues. Stevie thinks it’s going to be a great night for him–perhaps a replay that he’ll remember this time?