On last night's 16 And Pregnant camo-lovin' country girl Autumn is a 16 year-old sophomore from Kentucky whose boyfriend (the highly-quotable) Dustin just will not give up the weed. Autumn is having a son that they plan to name Drake, but she's already the mother to Dustin who is immature, irresponsible, and loves to get hi-hi-hi-hiiiigh! Dustin has hard time accepting that fatherhood will mean giving up his favorite past-time: partying!
Through his red-rimmed eyes and the haze of his pot-glaze, Dustin just does not grasp the concept of parenthood. Of course he is jobless and hanging out with his friends. In fact he's so high I think he forgot he had a girlfriend, let alone one he impregnated. And Dustin sports a hat with beer bottle caps wrapped all around the brim. Classy!
To further complicate Autumn's life her older sister Misty is also a teen mom who had a baby months before. What is happening in this house?! Autumn tells her mom she didn't want to take birth control because she was afraid to gain weight. "I didn't wanna get fat," Autumn says looking down at her bump and revealing she has since gained 40lbs.
So! Shannon Beador. Oh my. On one note she's sort of quirky weird, she's also sort of crazy insane, but at the very least she's very real. She just puts it alllll out there. Whew.
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County, Shannon's marital implosion continued. This lady's love tank is filled with cruelty-free diamonds, and non-toxic particalizied air mixed with lavender scented essential oils but not love.
Things begin in Hawaii where Tamra Barney is trying to be a good friend to Vicki Gunvalson. You can see Tamra struggling, reading the cliffnotes she wrote on her hand about how to be empathetic and encouraging. These human emotion thingies are foreign concepts. Heather Dubrow is nodding and smiling, shooting Tamra reassuring looks that she's being OK. Remember it's like acting, you have to get into character she had coached her before this dinner while Vicki was examining seashells up the beach.
Well last night was bittersweet! Honestly, when I first requested to recap Southern Charm, I certainly didn't think I'd enjoy it–I just wanted to have an excuse to chronicle the inevitable train wreck. However, I'm sad to see it come to an end. Heck, I even started to kind of like Thomas Ravenel (and, no, I'm not drinking!)! Cameran Eubanks is utterly charming, Whitney Sudler-Smith's mother Patricia totally stole the show, and Shep Rose, well, um, he's got great fratty hair. Even Craig Conover grew on me a bit, and I'm not totally ashamed that we will soon be alums from the same law school. We all know that T-Rav has welcomed a baby girl with Kathryn Dennis and is residing in Florida (though still planning to run against Lindsay Graham according to The State), and Cameran married herself an anesthesiologist, so I am not counting my chickens that there will be a season two. I guess we'll have to bask in last night's finale to dull the pain.
The show begins where it left off last week, with Whitney's admission that he too hooked up with Kathryn around the same time frame as her "fling" with Shep and her pregnancy scare with Thomas. Prior to their con-bro-sation, the thirty second recap of the season courtesy of Cameran and Craig is pretty spot on and hilarious, I must say. Whitney tries to explain that he feels "dark and sleazy" for keeping this secret from his best friend, and he hopes that T-Rav will tread lightly in pursuing a relationship with her given his future political aspirations. Thomas looks gobsmacked. When did chicks start hooking up as often and as haphazardly as dudes?
So Quad Webb-Lunceford got the 'Toya-Treatment' from her old friend Mariah Huq. Are we surprised? Tell me you're not surprised. I mean it wouldn't beMarried To Medicinewithout a drunken Mariah getting her purse-whack on, would it? Too bad the cameras weren't rolling this time!
Mariah is hung-over sick in bed after a traumatic late-night encounter with Quad. While she's in bed Aydin prepares some feel-better soup for mommy except Aydin cuts himself opening the can and gets blood everywhere. Mmmm… yummy! And sanitary. While his gushing finger is bleeding all over the granite he dispatches some kid to stir the soup on the stove while their daughter whacks her head on the fridge. The mess that is Mariah reaches far and wide.
As Mariah eats, (Mariah feasting on the blood of others seems apt, right), she complains that a harrowing experience with Quad has left her unable to attend Toya Bush-Harris' upcoming party. Across town where Puppy Couture reigns supreme, Quad rouses from bed to fill Dr. G in on her run-in with MEriah.
Let's just get this out of the way right at the beginning: Porsha Stewart did in fact live up to the hype. She dragged Kenya Moore across that Real Housewives of Atlantareunion stage by her hair like she was a battery-operated real live pageant doll. The queen is down – off with her head! I was shocked. I was stupefied. I literally had flashbacks of my childhood [illicit] Dynasty watching days. Alexis Carrington lives again. Hey – there were just as many sequins flying.
Shockingly no one lost a garment – except Cynthia Bailey whose entire boob popped out as she leaped up to avoid the fight. Andy Cohen claims he was trying to stop things, but let's be frank he's less than useless. He was afraid. He was like a little yappy dog barking on the periphery of two big dogs going head to head. Boy – have several seats. Go ask NeNe Leakesto hold you in her lap, stroke your head, and tell you it's OK. Poor Andy – his own monster is turning on him. It's eating him alive.
So that happened. And it was not unprovoked. It was not all together unwarranted, but it was totally unacceptable. And at the very least, we learned that either Kenya has the best weave in the world or we just got confirmation that is real hair.
It's Dr. Drewtime… I hope you stretched your eyeballs because they're about to be doing a lot of rolling. And if you're wearing false eyelashes because you want to look just like your favorite Teen Mom 2 star, I suggest you take them off for fear of injury during this reunion.
The set this year is really something – don't you love the giant TM2 letters with glittering lights. Things begin with all four girls on stage. Jenelle Evans has been taking hair tips from Chelsea Houska (but Megan is her terrible hairsome clone!) – same color red, same teased style, other than that she looks very pretty and natural. Dr. Drew asks Jenelle how Jace is. She answers, "Ummmm… who? Oh yeah… ummm… oh he hasn't been paying rent so yeah!"
Chelsea's eyelashes are a travesty. Mind you, this is her profession… Lord help South Dakota.
My personal opinion is that waiting too long (over a year) between seasons leaves viewers uninvested in storylines and confused. I mean we don't even remember why Aviva Drescher started hating Ramona Singer or when LuAnn de Lesseps became besties with Heather Thomson. Or when Sonja Morgan last wore underpants. It's just too frazzled. It's like trying to decipher the product names in an iKea catalog. While it's all kindsa topsy-turvy drama, it all revolves around Meviva – just the way she likes it!
Aviva is one of those women who is validated by attention – any attention – which is why she keeps confabulating drama that centers around sheer ridiculous-ness. She seemingly doesn't care how idiotic she looks so long as she's being focused upon and talked about. And God bless the crazy train of her thoughts because it's working!
I don't know what I more saddened to learn about last night's Dance Moms…that it was ninety minutes long or that that it was the mid-season finale. Seriously, Lifetime? MID-SEASON? This season has been going on since before MacKenzie was born–at least that's how it feels! Of course, we finally got to meet the new team that Abby Lee Miller has been threatening to introduce for decades!
The super-sized episode begins with Abby returning to the studio after the death of her mother. Her dancers share their condolences, and once again, both Maddie and I are in tears. Abby cuts through the emotional moment by forging ahead with the pyramid. Chloe is on the bottom due to her fifth place solo finish, with Nia following. Kalani rounds out the bottom tier for not standing out in group number. Kendall is in the third spot for her second place solo. Maddie is in second, with MacKenzie on the top for balancing dance and her It's a Girl Party video…which, by the way, is available for download on Lifetime. Do people really buy these things?