Last night’s Secrets Revealed Part 2 was the final-final episode of a super lackluster season of Real Housewives Of New Jersey. And really, there wasn’t much to it!
Dina Manzo hires the Astro Twins (real names), who are Toni Collete look-a-likes, to read everyone’s astrology charts and tell their futures. They whip out an iPad and some of Gia’s 8th grade geometry homework and get to work!
I learned Teresa Giudice and I are both Gemini-risings. But other than both having brown hair and a couple kids, that’s where our similarities end. And don’t even ask how I know that I’m a Gemini-rising.
Amber Marchese is afraid to do the reading because she thinks astrology is against her religion, being that she’s a “devote” Catholic and all. Rosie Pierri tells Amber, her visible bra and giant cross necklace, that it’s fine – God won’t notice and neither will the Pope!
Last night we welcomed Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 5! Yay! Although some things have changed – LISA RINNA IS HERE! – many things have stayed the same. Lisa Vanderpump is still fabulous and everyone is blaming her for being so, while pretending they are SO OVER that Lisa is able to get away with being snooty, snippy, and a little dismissive because she’s fun and glamorous, and pink – like a pussy!
Also, staying the same, although looking a bit more, shall we say, tweaked – is Brandi Glanville! Brandi’s face is ’bout to freeze in the the sour lemon sneer if she don’t shape up, because she is getting more bitter by the second. Brandi wants everyone to forget that she led last season’s mutiny against Lisa – correction: she wants Lisa to forget, but she also wants Lisa to accept that it was her fault that Brandi was forced to do it.
Things I realize about Brandi: she just can’t be happy, she doesn’t want to grow-up. She must have drama, and she’s only all about the truth and people owning up when it’s about other people.
Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is back, but before we welcome the new, let’s recap the old! In season 4 the cast tried to tackle issues of betrayal, religion, and race mixed with diamonds, rosé and glamorous vacations. It didn’t work.
They also tried to drastically alter the status quo by staging a coup against Lisa Vanderpump. That also didn’t work. But it did teach us a very important lesson about intergalactic geography: Brandi Glanville is an alien invader from Planet Trash! That explains everything…
Last season introduced us to one-failure-wonders, Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraud (or shall we call her Hoyce, depending on how much we’ve had to drink?). Carlton made her storyline about how she was the living embodiment of all the bored middle-aged ladies yearning for their husbands to become Christian Grey, but instead they got stuck with Mr. Green who is working his boring job to pay for boob jobs, instead of tying them up with twist-ties and beating them with bananas atop the Etruscan marble breakfast nook while the maid vacuums in the background. Carlton decided to prove that a gal can have both by building a parents playroom (with the help of her icky nanny) and taking her MIL to the Hustler store for bikinis.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules, some people could not move on. There they were, frozen in time, unable to let go, as they swam through the Cocktail Of Denial.™ Somehow I think that should be SUR’s signature drink.
Oh Lisa Vanderpump – so kind, so forgiving, so understanding… WHY?! Stop That! Do not let them grovel in their Jax Taylor knitwear, bearing letters they begged their mothers to write in elegant calligraphy – you fired that Sangria-theiving James Kennedy, now stick to it! In the reoccurring theme of SUR, no one who is fired stays fired. Kinda like no one that has broken up stays separated for long. Case in point, Kristen Doute groveling to Tom Sandoval over a cable box and some ratty old clothes she got from Stassi Schroeder‘s goodwill box labeled: The Thin Days (Stassi looks great – I’m only joking about her referring to her “love pounds”).
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood didn’t really bring the drama full force. Everything just kind of happened. People yelled, but they stopped yelling before the hair pulling could ensue. The cast, for the most part, was calm and kind–by their standards at least! And, I didn’t have to have my eyes assaulted with any of Nikki’s mesh ensembles! That’s a win.
Apryl, Omarion and Leslie are in so much love with baby Mega. Not only is Omarion amazed at how well his girlfriend and his mother getting along, the women are bonding over motherhood. Apryl is waiting for her mom to come visit, but she has a totally different relationship with her than Omarion has with Leslie. She tears up discussing the distance between she and her mother, and she vows not to be that kind of mother to her son. Apryl wants a second grandmother for Mega, and Leslie now seems to better understand her son’s girlfriend. Enough about this craziness…show us the precious baby!
Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta a little redemption was served piping hot and brewed strong. Apollo Nida came clean about lies he told about Kenya Moore trying to get with him. The most shocking thing is that everyone was shocked Apollo would lie in the first place; liars lie, and so do criminals.
Lord – these are trying times when I have to type the word “fellatio” over and over again, but so be it. Thank you Bravo.
Apollo decided he could take no more of living in deceit – his soul needed purging, the man must be redeemed. Apparently two steps outside a prison cell he had an epiphany – and he ain’t gonna do bad no more! OK, well not quite, but Apollo finally copped up to lying about Kenya.
Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick open this episode of Kourtney & Khloe Take the Hamptons as they are house hunting in the Hamptons. Apparently, Kourtney is super keen on having a house in NY now to maintain the memories and ties Scott has there since his parents have passed. Kourtney would like to deal with his parents estate first, but Scott is just not ready to unload the home and go through it.
Upon returning home, Khloe cannot believe that they are thinking of buying a home since 24 hours prior – they were at each other’s throats (she is such a great voice of reason, that Khloe!). Kourtney acknowledges that it’s pretty messed up that they haven’t resolved their issues but they’re going to have their third kid soon and it’s not like they don’t love each other. Um, what??? People have kids and get divorced/break-up all the time. Khloe gets on the horn with Kim and the most intelligent notion to come out of their mouths is that they both agree Scott and Kourt need therapy ASAP. Read my mind!
On last night’s My Five Wives, the family travels to Seattle to visit the grandparents where we meet the best cast member of this entire series thus far: Brady’s clinically insane father.
Brady Williams gathers the family to discuss their upcoming trip to see his parents in Seattle. The wives have made a quilt for Brady’s mom, who’s been cancer free for 5 years. Brady says the family has been considering moving to Washington State since their current community has shunned them (since they left the faith). Paulie is not a fan of this idea because her grown kids have settled in their current hometown.