“And if I had a boat, I’d go out on the ocean; And if I had a pony I’d ride him on my boat; And we could all together go out on the ocean, me upon my pony on my boat…And if I were like lightning, I wouldn’t need no sneakers, I’d come and go wherever I would please; And I’d scare ’em by the shade tree; And I’d scare ’em by the light pole; But I would not”…set fire to the mircowave in the Eros galley. We know you wouldn’t, Lyle. We know you wouldn’t. You’re all welcome for my all-time favorite song that references a boat!
As last night’s Below Deck begins, poor Amy Johnson decides to try on the last guest’s deserted hairpiece until she remembers it was sharing underwear space with Connie Arias’ Britney. Yikes. Speaking of hair, Eddie Lucas flirtatiously comments on Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s straightened locks, as Captain Lee Rosbach listens on in horror. What has kind of web of crazy has his innocent, hard-working bosun found himself trapped? Captain Lee expected better of you, Eddie. Frankly, so did I. Rocky brags about her Eddie hook-up to the ceiling, and the ceiling makes a crack about her being a loose cannon….the remark goes right over Rocky’s head. (I’m so sorry, yet so proud, of that sentence.)
As far as Real Housewives Of Orange County reunions go this one was very calculated. I’m not saying it wasn’t deserved – BECAUSE IN MANY WAYS IT SO WAS – but it was abundantly clear the ladies conspired to ‘stick together’ and focus all the animosity on Vicki Gunvalson. The ladies definitely leveraged their ‘fake friendship kumbaya’ routine to take-on Vicki as a unified group.
And why do I have an inkling that all these new-found best friendships of the RHOC, centered around ‘Vile Vicki‘, are completely fake and next season will be exploding in everyone’s faces? Meanwhile Tamra Judge and Vicki will become each other’s Friendship Warriors once again.
Andy, sensing the Confusion By Satan creepy calm, quizzes Vicki about how many Xanax she took. Vicki insists, “I don’t have anything in me by water and coffee.” Which equals Vicki being full of shit! Or she’ll be pissing the sofa to mark her territory as OG of The OC. Who knows – maybe she’s scored an endorsement deal for Puppy Pads?
Is the royal court of RT ready? Let’s do this! On last night’s Ladies of London, the cougar comments aimed at Baroness Caroline Fleming at last week’s bowling party have landed Marissa Hermer in the hot seat. Since Caroline’s reaction to Marissa’s gauche behavior was to royally ice her out, how does Marissa know Caroline is truly upset, we wonder? From a hot bath, of course! Taken with one “Loose Lips” Julie Montagu, who just can’t seem to keep a lid on the gossip swirling around her exhausted, addled head. Meanwhile, Caroline Stanbury is trying to rally after accepting the bitter truth about her failed business, the Gift Library. And Annabelle Neilson displays her #uppercrustcred as the group goes out for an old fashioned pheasant shoot – rifles, dogs, wellies, and all!
We begin with Sophie Stanbury and Julie as they’re shopping for the pheasant shoot Julie’s hosting. Although she married into aristocracy, which comes with shooting parties and lots o’ meat-eating, Julie is an American vegetarian who doesn’t fit the “Lady” mold – nor does she aspire to. Juliet Angus joins the ladies to get her outfit together. Sophie claims the shoot is a very civilized event and they’ve got to look every bit the part. It’s tweeds and wellies and…oh, who the frig knows? Shooting parties are hard to come by here in the States, after all. Since someone’s gotta keep the drama train chugging along, Juliet tries to bring up Marissa’s cougar comments from bowling night, but Sophie shuts her down before she can spill any tea.
Woo. The first ten minutes of last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood was completely intense! It begins with Amber entering the counseling session with Miles where she hears the last thing she expected about the man she believed to be the love of her life. The therapist introduces herself and invites Amber to join Miles on the sofa. Miles is clearly a ball of nerves. He professes his love for Amber before sharing the fact that he is homosexual. He admits that he’s humiliated by this revelation, and discusses the confusion he’s had regarding his sexual identity. When he drops the bomb that he’s been in a relationship with a man, Amber breaks down and Miles retreats to the bathroom. The production crew stops her from following him, and Amber races out into the street where she collapses on the sidewalk. A female PA tries to both comfort and restrain her as the therapist urges Miles to go to her. He wants to leave, and Amber smacks him as she jumps in the car.
Miles tries to talk to Amber but she screams that she’s going release his secret to the world. All through high school, Amber’s friends always told her Miles was gay but she refused to believe them. The therapist tries to explain how hard it was for Miles to come clean and that he truly loves her. Amber cites the difficulty of losing her future with Miles, and the therapist reminds her that there is no good way and no good time to share his news. Amber calms down and reveals that she could never hate Miles–she loves him, but she has questions for his openly gay friend Milan. She was wondering why they were hanging out so much. You had me for a second, VH1. I didn’t think this reveal was scripted…there was too much raw emotion and pain from both sides. However, when she brings up Miles, I feel a bit duped. Perhaps I’m wrong. When the therapist relates Amber’s message to Miles, he is devastated for breaking her heart.
In the case of Lauren Manzo as her wedding approaches so too does the nagging about when she will be carrying on the illustrious Manz0-Scalia lineage and fulfilling her role and Caroline and Denise’s grandchild vessel. Caroline and Denise, henceforth, “Team Grandma” are on a two-pronged mission to get Lauren pregnant even if they have to tie her up in an Italian receiving blanket and inject Vito’s sperm into her with a meat tenderizer. Yes – it’s that drastic.
On last night’s Sister Wives, announcements were abundant. There were announcements on top of announcements interrupting announcements. But hey, at least we were spared a Brown party! After a quick daddy-daughter getaway, Kody Brown is back home with his four wives and umpteen children. Christine giggles with glee as Robyn reveals that they are filing the adoption papers with family court. Meri remains dour on the sofa, and Christine is concerned about a judge’s opinion on plural marriage. If Meri were any more checked out of this situation, she’d be a library book. She’s making Janelle look like a cheerleader!
Kody and his wives head to their attorney’s office where Sobbin’ Robyn cries tears of joy to learn that if this works out, her kids will be issued new birth certificates with Kody’s name listed as their father. Kody tries to high-five Meri–this wouldn’t have been possible without her–and she’s all, “that’s cool.” Does no one in the family realize Meri has become nothing more than a mute placeholder? I could swear she rolls her eyes when Christine says that Kody is a great person for Robyn to have as her kids’ dad.
It’s July 1: five months before Teresa’s expected release and eight months before Joe begins his sentence. Joe is fixing Milania’shair while he reflects on becoming “Mr. Mom.” Meanwhile, Melissa Gorga shows up to take Gia, Gabriella, Milania, and Audrianato get pedicures with her daughter, Antonia. Melissa says she’s reached out to Teresa in prison, but she hasn’t heard back because “Teresa’s email chain is full.” <side eye> Melissa is still praying for her, though because she knows which side her Bravo bread is buttered on. Antonia and Milania, who have always shared a special bond, hold hands the entire way to the salon. #tendermoment
Last night’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy left me just a tad more stupid than it normally does. I can’t even mentally prepare an introduction, so we’re just going to dive right in! The show begins with Chef KJ in the kitchen with Tracey, and Kim Zolciak-Biermann admits that he picks up on everything. Whether Kim is eating a cookie, cussing up a storm, or drinking wine for breakfast, he’s going to notice, so she needs to be on her best behavior. Kim then asks Tracey why the f*@% she didn’t call her the day before. And we wonder why KJ’s every other word is bleeped. Tracey admits that she and Brooklyn have broken up again. The couple has been on and off for a decade, but Tracey swears this time their relationship is over for good. Tracey plans to get a tattoo that Brooklyn forbade her from getting just for spite.
Brielle, Slade, and Ariana are dining together, and Ariana questions her sister about the future. Brielle has grand plans for stardom, but first she needs food. Filet mig-non, anyone? Ariana rolls her eyes and chides Slade about following her sister out west. He’s so whipped, he’ll definitely do it. Brielle wants to approach her mom and Kroy about the two of them living together. Slade knows her parents would never agree, but she reasons that they’d rather have her shack up with Slade in Los Angeles than live alone. Her parents need to stop treating her like she’s fourteen. That was so four years ago!