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Last night on Real Housewives of Miami, the battle lines were drawn as the women divided into three groups: The Nasty Nicies, The Above The Dramas, and The Something To Proves. I'll let you do the sorting over who goes where since it doesn't require very much brain power. 

Things begin with a heart-to-heart on the beach between Romain Zago and Joanna Krupa. Could it get anymore romance movie than that? Two attractive people, strolling side-by-side, the tension is palpable, Romain is concerned: is Joanna drinking too much? She's embarrassed them both and he has no idea what's wrong with her! Joanna is mildly defensive, but mostly empathetic. Oh – and she so doesn't have a drinking problem! 

Then Adriana de Moura comes on to the scene. Romain decides this is the perfect moment to tell Joanna that Adriana was throwing herself at him. Joanna is aghast. How unclassy. And she would know; she's read Class With The Countess cover to cover at least five times. Joanna sniffs that Romain can have Adriana – plenty of other men will take her. Romain is like 'Oh yeah? I mean you used to be an escort, oh, I mean allegedly! And you're out-of-control when you're drunk. And you've got Marta always around. Me on the other hand… "catch" is my middle name.' 

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Last night was the premiere of the sixth and final season of the Jersey ShoreVinny Guadagnino, Pauly "DJ Pauly D" Delvecchio, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Deena Cortese, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, and Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola are all back for one last summer in Seaside Heights.  I had high hopes it was going to be epic.  After last night's two-hour episode, I'm not holding my breath.

First up we check in with the two roommates who won't be partying this season.  A sober Mike is having one last giant meal with his family after returning from rehab for prescription pills.  He claims to be the healthiest he's ever been, and I am happy to see Paula by his side.  I think she's good for him.  He says they're not quite dating, but they are close.  What does that even mean?  Meanwhile, a pregnant Snooki is excited to see the old gang, and wouldn't miss out on the experience just because for something as minor as expecting a baby.  She's done a total 180 (is that what it's called?) and there won't be any meatball antics with her.

JWoww and Roger are now living together after her quick stint as roommates with Snooki for their spin-off.  He isn't thrilled at the prospect of her heading back to the shore to party, but Jenni insists the couple is in a better place than last season.  She's just waiting on that much anticipated engagement ring!

Knowing he wasn't really winning any popularity contests last season the Situation has decided he is going to prepare an elaborate Sunday dinner for when his roommates arrive.  Snooki calls JWoww, and we learn that she hasn't spoken to Mike since last summer when he accused her (multiple times) of cheating on Jionni with him.  She doesn't want any drama.  Roger laughs…as if no drama was ever an option with this bunch!

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I have been waiting on pins and needles to learn the darker side of Andrew Coleman!  I don't think we even hit the tip of the iceberg with the most recent episode, but I can't wait to hear what y'all think!

Last night's Flipping Out resumes with Andrew schreeching out of the parking lot.  Gage Edward enlists Nancy to help fill the gaps.  He's very excited to see Andrew hit the road.  Jeff Lewis is floored, and he's scrambling to figure how to take over the projects Andrew was handling.  He really thought Andrew was an asset to the office, so he's confused as to what has happened.  Zoila Chavez does her best impersonation of Andrew storming out which Gage finds hilarious.  Too soon for Jeff though.  Too soon.

Jeff questions Jenni Pulos as to whether he should have seen some signs.  What else did Andrew lie to him about?  Jeff seems be hurt that things ended the way they did, and Jenni tells him not to beat himself up over the situation.  He declares he's going to start doing back ground checks and checking references.  Too little too late for Andrew!  Jeff reveals that he followed up with Andrew's resume after he quit and it was a total embellishment.  Someone really wanted to be on Bravo. 

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Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives of New York and as you well know by now Season Finale is a euphemism for fights, meltdowns, and histrionic antics. 

Yep, surreptitious nonsense was the mantra last night as the ladies desperately tried to out-rude each other and deny any infractions once caught. Ok, so not everyone was an outright embarrassment to humanity, but at least three people were! Lets here if for LuAnn de Lesseps – our countess of redemption. She actually behaved semi-classy and um, like, normal-ish last night. 

So Carole Radziwill, the le chillest Housewife ever is having some sort of charity ping pong party. Seriously – last night was just events cubed. It was events, events, events – and trips – that's all this whole season was. Which I guess is fine if that's how these women live their lives. It's certainly better than labor and delivery room footage, I suppose. 

Carole invited everyone and she's hoping her culottes, borrowed from Lee Radziwill's 1956 summer camp closet, will scare everyone into behaving. It sort of worked – either that or everyone collectively and separately likes Carole enough to keep it in check – at least temporarily. Aviva Drescher arrives with an agenda. And that agenda was to talk about herself at length and dominate all conversations with a litany of complaints about Pinot Singer

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Another Monday night, another episode where people have nothing better to do than meet for a) cocktails; b) lunch; c) breakfast; d) dinner; or e) all of the above.  Are the VH1 producers actually asleep when they plan these episodes?  Have they just totally given up completely?  Oh well.  Last night's Basketball Wives LA was more of the same, beginning with Wacky Jackie Christie's attempt at a make-up party.

Draya Michele and Malaysia Pargo are the first ladies to arrive for the soiree.  Draya is a tad weirded out by the fact Jackie has framed pictures of the women all over the food table.  It looks like a very fancy deli section at your local Harris Teeter.  Take the stuff out of the plastic!  It doesn't have to be served on a silver platter, but no one wants to see how much you spend on that egg salad!  Laura Govan warily arrives second.  Draya accuses Jackie of not trusting her to speak with Gloria Govan and calling Gloria herself.  Gloria arrives with Brooke Bailey.  Jackie shares that Draya is upset with her for calling Gloria, to which Gloria responds, if it weren't for Draya explaining the situation, she would have never come to Jackie's. 

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'Andy! Andy! Andy! Your mom's a liar, your dad's a coward, and I slept with them both – and Juicy, bitch! bleeep, bleeepetey, bleeep, bl-bleeep, bleep, c-word.' Oh was this Jerry Springer we watched last night or Real Housewives of New Jersey? I really couldn't tell because it was so embarrassing, disgusting, and low-brow. 

Whatever happened last night, I am fed up. And I am incredibly horrified by the behavior I witnessed. There was once a time – long before many of you wee youngins were around – when grown women who were also possessors of the title "Housewives" behaved like grown women on TV.

And then this stuff started happening and the bottom dropped out. But to draw it out until people stoop to the lowest and expose their families as truly dysfunctional is not what Housewives was ever about. If I was interested in watching Intervention, I would! I'm not.

Frankly, I am bored with the over-blown drama, the orchestrated plots. The storylines that never reveal the true story but always read between the lines. And the lies. So tired of the lies.

And I'm really saddened this is what it's all become. So sit there, smug and manipulative in your $2000 suit, Andy Cohen, and continue acting like you're none the wiser and it's all a little game. Just keep sitting there like the king of fools. 

So with a heavy-heart I begin this recap. 

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Last night on the Real Housewives of Miami somebody threw a big ol' temper tantrum and acted like a drunk sorority girl on too many jello shots. I'm looking at you, Joanna Krupa

Things got crazy last night, yes they did. Somebody likes her drinky a little too much – and doesn't like her fiancé enough. So – before all that blown out of proportion melt-down that I thought was going to be like uber crazy, but wasn't really, happened – everyone talked about how much the like their maids, how much they don't like each other, and about how Lea Black's friend is blaming Marysol Patton for ruining her life. 

Things begin with Joanna and fiancé Romain 'just waking up' and Joanna is sporting a full face of make-up, plus false eyelashes and some revealing lingerie. Yeah, I totally look like that when I wake up too. Sadly, Romain is more interested in his blackberry than sexytimes in front of the cameras. What no sex tape aspirations?

Feeling defeated, Joanna heads into the bathroom to yell at her sister Marta who reveals she's moving in with Fembot Fakenstein for a while because Romain hates her and she hates him too. I just can't get that worked up about anything before coffee, but clearly I don't have the Krupa temper – or penchant for over-reacting! 

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Last night was the hour-long season finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which means it was 60 whole long minits (57 if you do math like Mama does) of kuntry-kussin and hollerin! Anna finally had Kaitlyn, Honey brought the sass in a last-minute pageant, and freaking gnats drove everyone waving, slapping, shushing, cussing, flapping crazy. 

So it all started out innocently enough. Mama had the grand idear of doing a famlee photo shoot in 100 degree heat down by the boat water. So they all trundle down these big rocks – even super prego Anna – to pose as the four sisters while Mama stands under the bridge directin' things. Everybody has dressed up – which means even Mama put on some make-up and I must say she looks sweet. Family star Alana is dressed to the nines, but she left her A-game pageant attitude back at the convenience store down the road cause she was crotchety all day. And she got mud alover her clothes within five minites of gettin' thayre. 

Alana says she doesn't do well with heat. After much bickering and Sugar Bear showing up in a t-shirt, claiming he only dresses up for funerals – the family gets  some cute photos. The photographer has already changed her number just in case they ever call her again. She just doesn't have the stamina for Boo Boo bickering. Apparently holding hands and walking together was the most challenging part of the day for them – getting along, unlike couponing, is not their strong suit. I think they should make those free family coupon books – like, 'This coupon is good for one free hug.' Remember those?

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