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On last night's Dance Moms, Abby Lee Miller was even more psychotic than ever in light of the return of Cathy and her Candy Apples.  Cathy brought some breakdancers, Jill took Melissa's place as Abby's do-girl, and Christi…well, Christi reaches her boiling point in a way I would have never imagined. 

Melissa is very nervous about the pyramid because she knows Abby is mad at her and livid over the fourth place finish.  In fact, Abby swoops in and stares down the dancers, telling them she wants to take a long hard look at what fourth place looks like.  ALDC hasn't seen fourth place in two decades.  Someone start the violins, please.  She is the one who is choreographing and teaching the dances.  The entirety of the blame doesn't lie on a bunch of girls in elementary school.  Or am I just crazy?  Sometimes it's hard to tell…

The girls will be traveling to New Jersey for this week's competition.  MacKenzie is at the bottom of the pyramid, and Abby yanks her from the group dance.  A tearful Maddie joins her sister, and that has to be a blow given how she's used to being on top.  I really wish Abby would stop punishing these girls for their mother's bad behavior.  She rubs Maddie's nose in the fact that Chloe won at Nationals.  Paige's alleged "laziness" puts her on the lowest rung as well along with Nia for just being "fine."  Jill is estatic to see Kendall finally off the bottom, and Abby warns Kendall that she only needs to be worried when Abby no longer cares enough to criticize her dancing abilities.  How sweet.  Chloe is also in the middle for not following Abby's choreography in the way Abby envisioned it should be.  Poor Brooke is the only one left, and Abby laughs at the thought that she's at the top of the pyramid.  Just kidding!  No one takes the top spot.  Brooke will be in the group routine, and Kendall gets a solo called "Owe You Nothing."  Abby reminds her and her mother that she owes them nada.  Nia also gets a solo.  Chloe is thrilled to get the final solo, and Maddie's face drops.  The group number will have hats as props, and Abby warns that if anyone drops a hat, they will be off the team.

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Last night on Vanderpump Rules we were treated to Stassi Schroeder's deployment of a new identity and further examples of her meteoritic dissension into crazy fameho of monstrous (monster being the operative word!) proportions. 

Apparently no one at Sur ever leaves Sur. It's a vortex of incest or something and I am deeply concerned for the safety of their public restrooms. I would advise our poor Lisa Vanderpump to make STD tests mandatory among the staff. It is a matter of public health. Call the CDC, peeps! And get these souls on match.com – they need to date in the outside world! 

So Stassi has left Jax Taylor for Frank. And Jax has a sit-down at the Barbie mansion-come-to-life known as Lisa's house to piteously cry about his egregious behavior in Vegas. For shame, these waxed and buffed specimens parading as menz took their shirts off and pretended to fight. That fighting was reminiscent of a New Kids On The Block video! And Jax still loooorves dear Stassi Staph Infection, but knows he must release her into the wilds. 

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So, we are in the midst of what may be the longest stint of Teen Mom 2 in the history of the world.  Last night's "mid-season finale" was even ninety minutes long…because it takes a long time to bid farewell to Jenelle Evans, Leah Messer Calvert, Chelsea Houska, and Kailyn Lowry.  Not that they will be gone for long…we'll be treated to a two-hour reunion special next Monday, and then another twelve episode arc starts the week afterwards.  That's when the true crazy is going to begin!

Last night's episode begins with a phone call from JeremyLeah, shocked she got pregnant so quickly (must I remind her of her first date with Corey?), has yet to tell him the good news.  Jeremy is also in disbelief that it happened so fast, but he's nervous and excited.  Leah commends Jeremy on waiting until he was the ripe old age of twenty-three to have a child…not sixteen like she was.

Chelsea is taking Aubree to check out day cares in the event she passes her GED and gets to start "hair school."  Man, she's even whiny when questioning the day care instructor!  The director calms her fears regarding leaving Aubree for the first time and stresses the need for Aubree to socialize at this age.  Chelsea smacks her gum in agreement.

Kailyn is prepping for Isaac's second birthday and spending a lot of time with Javi.  Why are guys drawn to her blunt sarcasm?  Javi wonders if he'll ever get out of the friend zone.  Kailyn assures him that being invited to Isaac's party is a good sign.  Meanwhile, Jo and his new girlfriend are discussing how well Jo and Kailyn have been co-parenting lately.  They are, however, having separate parties for their son.  Jo wants Kailyn to meet his girlfriend, and his girlfriend thinks that Kailyn would want to know who is hanging around her son.  She offers to write Kailyn a letter to break the ice. 

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If I never hear Chris Harrison say special two day Bachelor event again… it will be too soon… seriously. Oh, by the way, have you heard about the special two day Bachelor event? It's an exciting and momentous event that serves as a kick off to the bachelorettes "worldwide journey to find love" with Sean Lowe.

This rip-roaring journey begins in Montana… where it's too cold for Sean to be half naked… how am I supposed to take this special two day Bachelor event seriously when Sean is wearing a shirt? I don't think I can. You've been warned.

So, Sean and his bachelorettes are off to Montana, where everyone wears flannel plaid and there will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date. Sean says, "I'm an outdoorsy type of guy, and I love to get out and camp or canoe, so Montana is definitely going to test some of the women."

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rhobh-recap

Last night while watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I came to an important realization. I now understand why these women never eat and how they manage to stay so thin. If every time you sat down at a dinner table a massive fight broke out wouldn't you have dinner-induced trauma and be reduced to guzzling wine instead? They probably all go home and stuff microwaved popcorn in their faces while standing over the kitchen sink and ruminating about the days before they sold their souls to Bravo. But hey – at least those size 2s fit! 

Yesterday's episode was more of the same. Same arguments, same players, same storyline, same snarky recapper wanting to hurl things at the screen.  It started out OK, as it always seems to, but then quickly degenerated into the congealed, fetid remains of last night's dinner. Even Yolanda Foster was reduced to drinking tequila. 

Most of the girls were in Vegas watching in awe as Brandi Glanville's legs twined around a stripper pole and slid gracefully to the floor. "Welcome to Night School For Girls!" she announced popping up with 3/4 of her boob also popping out. Splits Richards makes an important mental note to have Mauricio hypnotized into thinking Brandi is a revolting, wretched, shit-stirring drama queen again. He must not fall under her spell!

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Oh, Love & Hip Hop.  Will you ever go back to just being a reality show, or are we going to have to watch this scripted soap opera interspersed with some R & B videos?  It's so bad, but yet I can't turn away…and not just because I blog about it.  There is no doubt that I'd be watching it anyway.  It's so bad, it's good, and last night's episode was no exception.

We begin as Rich Dollaz is meeting with Yandy Smith to get some advice on his relationship with Erica Mena.  She chastises him for mixing business with pleasure, and teases him for blushing when he talks about Erica.  Rich wants Erica to learn how to control her temper excitement, and he wishes that Olivia Longott would do the record as a personal favor.  Yandy reminds him that even though he and Liv are friends, it's understandable that she wouldn't want to have to share him as a manager.  Rich tries to convince Yandy that even though Erica is all kinds of crazy, she has good intentions.  Yandy agrees to go to lunch with Erica to see if she can reign her in a bit.  Rich is appreciative, and he wants Yandy's honest opinion as to how he should proceed in the relationship…if at all.

Tahiry Jose is cooking steak and beans for Joe Budden to reward him for the clean drug test.  Now she believes she can somewhat trust what Joe has to say.  She apologizes for not believing that he's been sober.  Joe is about to go on tour, and Tahiry reminds him to call her if he feels the urge to fall off the wagon.  In his absence, Tahiry plans to work on her recording career.  She is always nervous to talk about her music with Joe because she respects him so much as an artist.  Joe doesn't doubt that she'll accomplish her goals, but he also thinks that not everyone is cut out for the industry.  She invites him to come to come to one of her studio sessions.  Joe jokingly tells Tahiry that as much as he knows she wants him to spend the night, he's got an early morning.  Classy guy.

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Big Rich Atlanta premiered last week – much to our horror (Ashlee Wilson-Hawn) and our amusement (Meyer Eadon) and our ozone layer's dismay (that big hair isn't standing on its own) – and it hasn't been canceled yet. Yay! 

This week's episode begins the morning after Ashlee's "hide your boyfriends, Meagan McBrayer, cause I'm divorced" party. It's 10 a.m. and Meyer and Harvin Eadon still aren't properly functioning. Harvin's sad attempt at being productive lands her right back in bed next to her sister. Their mama, Virginia Kolb, joyfully forces them to get up and start their work day. 

While Harvin and Meyer vodka caffeine up, Sabrina McKenzie and her daughter Anandi McKenzie and Katie Davidson and her daughter Diana Davidson make a deal with the devil Ashlee. Anandi and Diana express interest in competing in the next Miss Georgia Teen pageant, and Ashlee graciously gifts each girl a spot in her Boss Bitch Boot Camp. Yikes. Ashlee says it's six weeks of insanity, the girls promise they're up for the challenge, and Ashlee toasts to her newest victims Miss Georgias. 

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Let's revel in how horrid and scripted last night's Dance Moms was, shall we?  If I didn't love these precious little talented girls so much, I'd be kicking Abby Lee Miller and her momtourage to the curb…and out of my DVR season pass!  I do agree with one thing Abby said in her recent interview–viewers need to be treated to more dancing and less drama (Abby's hateful shenanigans included!).

Abby receives a phone call from a judge at last week's competition in Greensboro.  There was an error in scoring, and Maddie and Kendall's Sugar and Spice solo was actually supposed to get second place, not the top prize they were awarded.  Abby seems to salivate at the mouth over this news, as it validates her argument that Kendall screwed up her part.  We all know what second place is, right?  Say it with me, folks…first losers! 

Abby goes into pyramid with the smuggest of smug looks on her face.  She tells her dancers that she was unimpressed by all of their dancing regardless of how well they place.  Abby takes great pleasure in sharing the mathematical error that caused Sugar and Spice to take first place when they were really supposed to be first loser.  She goes after Kendall and wonders if she thinks she's as good as Sophia…guess what, she's not.  Wait, who is Sophia again?  Oh yeah, that little girl that danced once and hasn't been back for two episodes.  A dear Chloe consoles her tearful friend who finds herself back at the very bottom of the pyramid.  Joining Kendall at the bottom is Maddie.  Abby explains that if her duet partner falters, she falls with her.  Nia is also on the bottom for an "okay job."  Paige and Chloe make up the second tier.  Paige moves up for placing in the top five, and Chloe joins her for exceling in the group number.  An excited MacKenzie is at the top of the pyramid, and she has earned her spot back in the group number.  A very present Brooke is still nowhere to be found in Abby's hierarchy.

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