It’s been a season of revelation and procreation, and here we are at the end of it all! Season 4 of Little Women: LA ended on a sour note for Briana Renee, whose long-maligned husband, Matt Ericson, was discovered sending d*ck pics yet again to multiple women. To make matters worse, Briana was pregnant at the time with Matt’s spawn baby. And in further heartbreaking news, Briana was rushed to the hospital just this week for pre-term contractions (she’s 6 months pregnant right now) due perhaps, in part, to stress. The situation is sad, no matter how you look at it. But Briana and Matt are capitalizing on their gigantic crapfest of a relationship with a 2-hour Lifetime special May 11 anyway! Because Briana’s family has not been humiliated enough yet? Cripes.
In the mean time, the ladies sat down for a season 4 reunion with a new host (Thank you Jesus!! Last season’s was a passive aggressive wreck!!) to dish the dirt on everything from Matt’s sexting proclivities to Christy McGinity’s totally-legitimate-and-medically-proven “brain injury” to Tonya Banks’ desperate attempt at trapping her a live Kerwin! (Although we’ll only get to a small portion of this mess in part 1.) Yee haw! Let’s get to it.
Here’s what the women of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills don’t get: We do want a fabulous story – even if it means running over the “dead bodies” of dull Housewives filled with overly-inflated hubrises. IfLisa Vanderpump wants to be the metaphorical “Dexter” of Bravo, then by all means, do. Especially if it means I, as a viewer, get more exposure to diamonds and mini horses, than I do IV fluids and arguments about nothing. This show is supposed to be about glamour, which is why I don’t mind Kyle Richards wearing a ballgown to her BBQ and having it catered by a team of gourmet George Foreman Grill experts. We can get paper plates, hot dogs, and beer in our own backyards!
Eileen Davidson may label it “manipulative” (a word she has uttered so many times I swear someone at Merriam-Webster is paying her to make it a ‘thing’. Or maybe she just learned it and is over-eager to just drop it like it’s hot. It’s not.), but what Eileen fails to comprehend is what the viewers crave and expect from a show ostensibly about the lives of the uber-rich. This is not Unsolved Mysteries – we don’t care about ‘finding the truth’ or uncovering facts. We want glitter and we want it NOW!
On last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas, marital issues caused everyone’s favorite classy lady Brandi Redmond to get wild at a strip club, meanwhile everyone’s other favorite (self-proclaimed) classy lady LeeAnne Locken continued her tirade as a poor man’s carnie attraction version of Emily Post! Now she’s making threats about bowing people. Is this the middle ages? Like bow and arrows?
Brandi’s husband Bryan constantly travels. She feels like he never pays attention to her, which must explain her clown makeup? Brandi and Stephanie Hollman hire baby sitters for a mom’s night out of getting “white girl drunk” (Jesus turns water into wine, and white girls turn it into bad behavior!). After a few glasses of champagne, they invite Cary Deuber to join them. She agrees to “one drink.”
Last night’s episode confirmed it for me: this season of Teen Mom 2 is too long. How many times can we hear the same stories retold over and over and over again?
Chelsea Houska is trying to get Adam Lind’s child support adjusted, Adam impresses himself, Isaac doesn’t want Javi Marroquin to leave, Leah Messer thinks she has her s–t together, and Jenelle Evans won’t let Nathan Griffith see Kaiser. Some of the story lines actually moved last night, though. Jenelle finally met with Nathan, Javi left for deployment, Chelsea has a new plan for Aubree’s name, and Leah gets a court date for custody reconsideration.
Last week, we witnessed Leah’s awkward dinner with Jeremy Calvert and this week we relive it through her recap to friend Kayla. Jeremy has no interest in Leah, but that’s okay, because Leah doesn’t want to be in a relationship. She needs time and is focusing on her kids. Tinder hookups don’t count. Right after telling Kayla that Ali will eventually lose muscle function in her organs, Ali falls off a swing. It’s a sad reminder that Ali’s condition will continue to deteriorate.
T-Rav heads to JD’s to vent about what happened in Aiken. He reveals that when he threatened not to co-sign Kathryn’s lease, she became so distraught that she had to be hospitalized. Thomas worries about the risks of his son being born prematurely, and he’s ready to write his name on the bottom line. JD warns that his friend doesn’t need to fall prey to any manipulation on Kathryn’s part. T-Rav definitely believes he’s being manipulated, but he blames Jennifer for pulling the puppet strings. Ever since she wanted more from him after their drunken fling (Thomas’ words, not mine), she’s been instigating and doing her best to upset Kathryn by tracking his every move on social media and sharing it with Kathryn. Of course, if it’s on social media, can’t Kathryn find out about T-Rav’s shenanigans herself? The pair both seem rather adept at Twitter rants and Instagram shade.
MJ is not in the forgiving mood when it comes to Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi, who is almost in the NFL (No Friends Left) zone if it weren’t for Shervin Roohparvar. MJ has more important things to worry about, like the virility of beau Tommy Feight’s sperm. Asa Soltan Rahmati, never one to miss out on an opportunity to spend pointless amounts of money and energy on priestess-y things, prepares for the secret wedding of Reza and Adam, who still has no idea he is going to be getting surprise married soon.
Yesterday Kenya Moore appeared on The Dr. Oz Show to discuss beauty secrets, reconciling with her broken childhood, bullying, and baby plans!
Dr. Oz asks Kenya about the differences between being Miss USA and her present identity as Krayonce, chief sh*t-stirrer on Real Housewives Of Atlanta. According to Kenya she’s a “three-dimensional person,” which must be a fancy way of saying ‘has multiple personalities’.
In pageants “you’re… a Barbie Doll, and you’re presenting your best self to the world,” Kenya explains. “You’re not really put in controversial situations, but on reality TV – that’s all you’re put in!”
After the blow up between Dorinda, Bethenny Frankel, and Ramona at the brassiere (or “brawr” – depending on who you ask) party, everyone has a drink and Dorinda puffs a Newport Light 100 (or maybe it was one of Jules Wainstein‘s Virginia Slims left over from 1977 kept in a fireproof dry box under the bed, the blessed creatures pulled out for emergencies only. She better buy some on eBay to get through Real Housewives Of New York).