Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of New York headed to Miami. No one was very happy about it except for Luann de Lesseps who is eager for the opportunity to show off her amazing, transformational, earth shattering, soul mating love – again. Yes, I think the operative word is “mating”. With other Housewives that is! Which begs the question: are three Housewives better than one?
I understand why Bethenny doesn’t want to go, since sharks smell blood, but why can’t the other ladies go as planned? Bethenny can remain in NYC, get her surgery, and then launch Skinnygirl Tampons or something. We all know she doesn’t want to go, and none of the other women actually want her to go – except for maybe Carole Radziwill, who seems to have more fun sans Beth. Beth On/Beth Off – and Mr. Miyagi says you control your own destiny, Carole
In case you missed it, we ended last week’s episode with a puffed up Minnie Rossbringing her mom to do her dirty work at a meeting with Ms. Juicy. Minnie barely got in a few words of her own before her mom threw a whole plate of chicken wings on Ms. Juicy and stomped out. Now here we are, picking up the proverbial chicken wing pieces off the floor and wondering why a good plate of food had to go to waste (well, maybe you aren’t but I know I am).
After Matt forbids Briana from even telling her friends the location of hospital she’s in, she signs off from her jail cell. Elena Gant and Preston are staying out of this mess as much as possible, likely to focus on the birth of their twin boys and Elena’s precarious health (she was diagnosed with preeclampsia). Though some might fault these two for not getting involved in the Bonnie & Clydetastrophe, I say: good on ya! No one, and I mean NO ONE, dips their toe into that sewage pile without walking away smelly. Briana is not changing her mind about Matt, and Elena seems to understand this. Hey, she’s Russian! She read Anna Karenina…maybe.
Famously Singleis chugging right along, like the crazy mess of garbage on fire that it is. Speaking of crazy messes, Aubrey O’Dayis dragging her trapped love interest, Pauly D, to get his tarot cards read by resident bohemian priestess/supermodel, Jessica White. Just in case Pauly thought this might be fun, Aubrey makes sure to let him know if the cards don’t turn up favorable, he’s a dead man. Jessica starts displaying the cards and it turns up that they should have sex. Aubrey gloats but that’s short lived – a queen turns up in the cards and apparently, that means there is another woman in the picture. Pauly is saying he can’t date another jealous woman but sorry, Pauly, you’re already in too deep. Good luck with that.
Heather Dubrow‘s podcast was live from the Irvine Improv this week, featuring special guests Terry Dubrow (wait – I thought they never saw each other!?). Heather was so excited by the how many people came, but faux pas – they ran out of champs! “Someone needs to make a Costco run,” she joked (I think).
Heather took questions from the audience about Real Housewives Of Orange County, meanwhile Terry dished on Botched, and his late rockstar brother. Then back in the studio Heather spilled the dirt on That Seventies Party, and if it was truly as bad as it looked!
Kelly is a hot wreck of insane annoyingness. Girl, you have got to dial that down to at least 11! She’s just … TOO MUCH. When Kelly drinks holy – can she not reign it in! Shannon was totally twatty to Kelly, but Kelly had a raging case of the Saturday night ferocious when she massively over-reacted to two gossipy bitches talking garbage and Shannon’s projecting. Or who knows – maybe Kelly does have something to hide? WHOOOO are you, Kelly Dodd? Do I really want to know?
If you thought this season of Shahs of Sunset was all about divorce drama and questioning someone’s health status, you are in the same cynical boat I’m in. But Shahs isn’t all doom and gloom and this episode (sort of) proves it with the perfect formula to rally bored reality show fans everywhere: an overly staged marriage proposal! OK, I still have to be mostly cynical when watching; it’s just the nature of the beast.
We start at Mercedes “MJ” Javid’s condo, where she is busy tidying up her clothing racks so she can have a yard sale. Shervin Roohparvar comes to watch, presumably because he has nothing better to do all day and hasn’t fulfilled his camera time for the week. MJ explains that she needs to make more room for boyfriend, Tommy Feight, who I thought was already moved in anyway? She goes through the hangers and takes us for a long walk down sad memory lane and describes how her clothes remind her of times in her life. Like the time she wore this dress, Vida was berating her at a table full of people and making her cry. Yeah, probably time to get rid of that one.
Teresa is out of prison, and from this point forward everything must go in a new direction. Say “new direction” fast and it sounds like “nude erection,” which encompassed about 3/4 of the things Teresa learned from “camp.” The other thing was not to be slutty with your your John Hancock. So, yeah, about those leopards and their spots…