Last week on Top Chef, Micah Fields won the sexy knife quickfire challenge and Kristen Kish won the memorable moments elimination challenge. In a cook-off with Lizzie Binder, John Tesar (and his eye glasses) fell victim to the curse of the risotto and was eliminated. Ouch! Being eliminated over Lizzie, who knowingly cooked and served questionable scallops, had to be embarrassing.
While Josh Valentine (and his twisty mustache) is glad John is gone, Stefan Richter (and his wrinkle-free face) misses his "morning friend." Josie Malave declares she didn't come back as a stupid chef. True. She came back as an annoying chef.
The challenge: create a dish highlighting ginger… sponsored by Canada Dry Ginger Ale… in only fifteen minutes. Ginger Ale. It's what pays the bills.
15 minutes? Wolfgang Puck? The pressure is on! Lizzie makes a split-second decision and grabs watermelon. Brooke loves ginger and pairs it with squid. Stefan disses Sheldon's stir fry dish, calling it too pedestrian and Chinese restaurant, and Sheldon yells "mother f-ker" at his meat.
Leslie Birkland is too chicken shit to show her face. She joins the others via video camera from a secret location. #psychward
Bonnie jumps right in, calling Leslie a lying bitch. Warning: if you take a drink every time someone says bitch, you're going to be plastered 10 minutes into the show. Vivica asks Leslie why she's in hiding. She says, "Because of what happened the last time I was with these so called ladies. They attacked me." Is she trippin'? Well, at least drama queen delusions never fail to entertain.
Connie tells Vivica, "Leslie lied so much, she shouldn't feel safe. She should be sitting there be herself."
There was a coup on last night'sDance Moms, and it was amazing. Abby Lee Miller plans to replace the entire ALDS company after the moms go AWOL in an attempt to bring back Kelly. The star this season seems to be Scripty McFauxdrams. Unfortunately for Abby, only one of her super group performs to her highness' expectations. The original girls don't care…they attract enough attention at their own event!
Christi, Holly, Melissa, and Jill are trying to figure out how to scheme Kelly's way back into the studio. Abby can't believe how strangely the mothers are acting when they all head into the restroom together. The moms have decided to have a stand-off with Abby. They refuse to take part in the pyramid, and they plan on sitting silently in the lounge area. Hard core! Abby is getting a freeze out whenever she attempts conversation. The girls are no where to be found as well. Abby calls Melissa and leaves her a threatening voicemail. Does Melissa really want to jeopardize her daughters' future for Kelly and her girls? Abby is now solely focusing on Ally's solo, and Shelly is curious as to the missing moms. Ally is overwhelmed by the pressure that Abby is putting on her in light of her troupe's absence.
The moms seem to be staging a sit-in in the studio parking lot. Abby is getting the cold shoulder, and no one will look at her nor will they respond. Abby is berating the mothers, and I have to say that these women are getting to be better actors as the seasons continue…because that is clearly what they are doing. Abby decides to take matters into her own hands and calls the police. She's got trespassers, y'all! Abby is laughing maniacally at her diabolical plan as the officers swarm the parking lot. Yes, the moms' behavior is childish, but I so love to see them working together for a common and unselfish goal.
Chris Harrison is on hand, as well, to keep every single most dramatic rose ceremony running smoothly. Not on hand? Emily Maynard. She broke Sean's heart on the Bachelorette and, for the sake of my sanity, needs to stay far away from this season.
Sean has fully recovered from his heartbreak and is ready to try again on the Bachelor. Clearly, he's a fool. He says the idea of possibly meeting his future wife during this journey (drink up, my friends) is kind of exciting and kind of intimidating.
Sean adds, "I want the end result. I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have, and I want to be the best possible man I can be for her. I want to be rich in love."
Because ABC doesn't completely hate me,Arie Luyendyk, Jr. stops by Sean's pad to help him prepare for what is to come. Mr. Holy Hotness schools Sean on how to properly kiss a woman: Eye contact. Use your hands. Touch her hair. Touch her face. Tease her with your tongue. No lizard tongue. Use your whole body. #coldshower
Curse you, Arie, for not signing up for this train wreck of a show solely for my entertainment.
Lord have mercy! I sometimes think that Teen Mom 2 would be easier to watch if I didn't know what was going on with these girls' lives now. Jenelle Evans seems to be hitting rock bottom this season, but we know it only gets worse. Kailyn Lowry is now engaged even though on the show she's still pining over Jo after duping poor Jordan. Leah Messer is remarried with a third baby on the way (although I do like watching her and Corey try to work through their relationship…it helps me reconcile their divorce as being the best decision for both of them), and Chelsea Houska…well, she's still pretty much what you see is what you get…a lot of whining, feathers, and mascara!
Let's get to last night's episode, shall we? Why does Chelsea need to put on fake eyelashes to take her GED tests? I guess they take some of the focus off of those feathers. Aubree has a meltdown as her mom flies off in a bleached haze. Meanwhile Kailyn is leaving Isaac with Jo and his family so she can go to Texas to reconnect with some family. When she arrives in Austin, her cousin is there to meet her at the airport. Austin is definitely on my bucket list. Kailyn reveals that things are stagnant in Pennsylvania because she screwed herself out of a boyfriend.
While Jenelle is back on her bipolar meds, she is still having mood swings. She hopes that she's able to prove to mom Barbara that she's stable enough to be a positivie part of Jace's life. Jenelle shares with a friend that, like, you know, she thinks she may have moved in with Josh, like, you know, too soon. Um, you think? I mean, she waited a week after dating before taking the plunge! Now she realizes, like, you know, that he's totally immature and thinks everything is funny when it's not. Boys! Jenelle also wants to get back custody of Jace before her mom totally dominates his life. Barbara like wants to like raise him the way she thinks is best, you know? Why yes, it's called having his best interests at heart and not taking off to a Ke$ha concert instead of being a mom.
Let's discuss Vanderpump Rules, shall we. Or should I say The Stassi Schroeder Is Mean hour? Oh Stassi – she's such an angry little thing, isn't she. Vanderpump Rules is the tale of two delusional girls and their aspirations being far bigger than their aptitude. First up is Staaaaaasi, or queen of the blue micro minis.
Everyone's favorite descendent of a Swedish princess moved out to LA with the promise of stardom in her eyes. I mean after all , Stassi is like a 20th removed royal so naturally that should mean she'd arrive in Hollywood, announce: "Here I am!" and she'd be shoving Angelina Jolie off her pedestal, right? Unfortunately things didn't' work out that way.
Someone ought to tell Staaaaaaaaaasi that Swedish princess don't sling drinks – and they probably wear bras to work. I could be wrong as I'm only descendent of Scottish princesses and we always wear undergarments.
Let's discuss the crafty editors on last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So there they were with a whole huge storyline about how skanky Scheana Marie Famewhore pretended she had never heard of nor seen Eddie Cibrian before and participated in a two-year-long affair with him not knowing he was married to Brandi Glanville. I mean Eddie was unemployed, but karma is a bitch because he eventually left both Scheana and Brandi for LeAnn Rimes. And I would say Eddie lost on that gamble!
Other things happened last night. Bravo introduced us toTaylor Armstrong's boyfriend John Bluher. Way back in the day Taylor was telling us John was her pro-bono attorney on the $1.5M lawsuit she was battling against MMRGlobal. They were also "just friends." Friends with benefits, also known as an affiar. And then he just popped up on the screen attending a couple's night with Taylor, Kyle Richards, and Lisa Vanderpump. Wasn't that a coincidence. Sometimes – just sometimes – the Bravo editors don't do us injustice. Hey, it's once in a blue moon!
Things begin withFaye Resnick trying her darndest to become relevant. Yeah, we still don't like you – go away. Faye's face is like melted, globbed together wax. It's clear that with the friendship she shares with Adrienne Maloof, they also share a plastic surgeon. Karma is a bitch like that, I s'pose!
Oh gracious! I wasn't even a minute in to watching last night's premiere of the original Love & Hip Hop when I realized it had gone by way of Atlanta. It's over stylized and filmed as if it's rap video, not a reality show. It's going to be a long season. I'll be honest, it was hard to keep up with all the drama, but I think it's going to be eventful…and I think we saw it all on L&HHA with just a different cast of characters.
As the episode starts, we're introduced to Tahiry Jose who claims to be a video vixen, model, and actress. Right now, she's also a waitress. However, even she knows that she's most famous for being Joe Budden's ex-girlfriend. She left their five year relationship because Joe wasn't handling his business properly. Joe loves being in the public eye, and he gained quite a following when he would post videos of Tahiry on You Tube. He misses Tahiry and hopes that the two can work on developing a strong friendship. The pair is meeting for lunch, and two things are evident: he likes riling her up, and Tahiry isn't a fan of Joe's shenanigans. Tahiry wonders why Joe so desperately needs to be friends with her…can't he share all his life stories with his new lady? Joe just wants to keep Tahiry on a string for when he needs her. The lunch ends with Tahiry screaming at him and shoving the table so hard that her sangria topples. I have to hand it to that one extra playing the role of restaurant patron number two had the acting sense to appear shocked at the couple's tirade while all the other extras just ate their free lunches and pretended like nothing was happening.