Finally, it’s the freakin’ finale of Basketball Wives. I don’t know about y’all, but this season has been incredibly exhausting, and the Tahiti trip has almost made me lose my cool!
We resume the same place we do almost every week, with Evelyn Lozada mouthing off after Jenn Williams escaped into her bungalow. Kenya Bell and Tami Roman are listening to her rants about how fake Jenn is, but I can’t take my attention off her hula hoop sized earrings. Shaunie O’Neal sneaks away to speak with Jenn, but I love that she’s more concerned about Jenn airing the group’s dirty laundry on blogs and twitter instead of Evelyn’s erratic and violent behavior. Why should everything be about appeasing crazy? And I’m not a Jenn fan…I think she should let it go, and I think she is extremely and purposefully pretentious, but geez, Shaunie! She isn’t doing anything worse than Evelyn is!
Part two of the Mob Wives reunion starts amidst the chaos of the Drita D’Avanzo and Ramona Rizzo. Renee Graziano is trying to separate the women, and Drita leaves the set. Joy Behar doesn’t even get out of her seat. She’s just watching the craziness. Finally the women come back to the sofas, where Drita and Ramona continue to scream and bleep and threaten to kill one another off camera. I think they even decide to fight it out after the reunion (in the parking lot, perhaps?), and there are accusations of being in a gang. They are too well-dressed for this nonsense. Carla Facciolo and Karen Gravano are trying to keep the peace, urging the women to speak nicely. Renee tries to redirect, and Karen jumps on her for interrupting Joy. Renee tells Joy how to run the show, and it actually makes sense.
Joy seems to have regained control and Drita and Ramona are able to discuss the fight without raising their voices…too much. The next confrontation highlighted is between Drita and Karen. Karen and Drita have different definitions of friendship, but they plan to respect their truce. Joy is concerned that once people start gossiping on Staten Island, the truce will disappear. Karen and Drita reveal that they have promised to go directly to the other to resolve any issues regarding the rumor mill. Ramona says that she and Carla have a similar agreement, but it seems that Carla still likes to talk about her. Joy was excited that she was able to keep the women calm for at least a few minutes. We need more Big Ang and less bleeping.
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It’s just four days until the fantasy nuptials of the future Mr. and Mrs. Kroy Biermann. As the time runs out, drama amps up…but it’s no longer mama drama on Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding. Jen has become the MOH who is MIA.
Just like with every episode, the show begins with Kim Zolciak talking to the adorbs K.J. She is complaining to him about how lax her matron-of-honor Jen is being, and he is just giggling away in his Spiderman hoodie. Kim can’t dwell on slack attendants for long, she has tent issues to worry about. Severe tent issues that drive her to drink white zinfandel before lunchtime. Kim has visions of covering the pool and and getting hitched under a gazebo which will sit atop the jacuzzi. She never ever ever ever had dreams of a tent in her backyard to shield guests from potential bad weather.
The chefs of Around the World in 80 Plates are heading to Barcelona, Spain. All of the contestants are talking mad shiz about their cooking skills…and survival skills. Nookie Postal reveals that he and his wife lived for a year there solely on money from his stellar gambling skills. Nicole Lou is hesitant to return to Spain as that is where she married her now ex-wife. Chevin had an experience with a hermaphrodite upon which I won’t expound.
The first challenge pits every man for themselves. The first five people to reach the goal, which is basically a ski gondola, will be teammates, and the players are trying hard to make it to the gondola with people they want to compete with on a team. The first team, red, ends up being Chaz Brown, Cheven Lee, Gary Walker, Nick Lacasse, and John Vermiglio. The black team is…everyone else. For those of you keeping score at home, that means, Nookie, Avery, Nicole, Jenna Hansen, and Liz Garrett. Nookie is the sole dude with the ladies on the black team. Red team member John is worried about the sausage party in which he’s now involved. The red team arrives first to meet Curtis Stone, and one of the teammates yells, “Boys rule, and girls drool.” I’m taken back to my former first grade student Roy who said that. All. The. Time. The teams must sort and prep different seafood for cash. Whichever team wins the most money will win the exceptional ingredient.
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And the winner of American Idol is…nah, I won’t give it away until after the jump for those of you who decided to watch Law and Order: SVU (and by “you” I mean me) and save the Idol recap for later. I actually learned who won right before I started watching. Thanks DVR and internet. It’s down to Jessica Sanchez and Phillip Phillips. Who will it be? Let’s find out in what may be the most anticlimactic AI finale EVER. At least that lead in was dramatic, right? The final twelve perform, and blah, blah, filler, blah. Really do we need two more hours of Idol after two hours of Idol last night?
After the initial hoopla performance, the judges and Ryan Seacrest are introduced. Ryan and his bump-it recap the prior evening, making a two hour finale seem like just minutes with his suave style…in just a short two hours, we will have a new American Idol. He meets with the finalists, and Jessica admits she managed two hours of sleep before her big night. Smug Phil slept for nine hours. I want to reach through my television and smack him. I can’t remember the last time I slept for nine hours straight…and I need it. I need it bad, people.
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was all about the things we do for love. Some women finally change their name after a decade of marriage, some women overlook grifting opportunists because they bring her coffee, and some women… well they’ll just leave their man alone from 10-2 everyday so he can pretend to do stuff. Love is a powerful thing, but equally powerful is denial. I feel like Heather Dubrow needs to start teaching a class about how to have an adult relationship.
The other thing that happened was the sort of not so epic Tamra Barney vs. Alexis Bellino showdown. T’was sort of, I dunno, meh… and predictable.
Ok, so we begin with Brooks Ayers descending upon Vicki Gunvalson‘s office with of all things Starbucks. Blessed Starbucks. Hey, I’m a girl who loves her coffee and I wouldn’t throw a man out the door for bringing me lattes he bought on my credit card.
Shockingly Brooks was only bearing breakfast, not a folder full of Hallmark cards. Remember those wallets everyone’s dad used to have before smartphones and iPads – the ones with the flip out photo holder? I think Brooks has one full of affirmations and inspirational quote cards. Need a lift, I’ve got good tidings to go! I bet he just whips them out whenever Vicki starts asking too many questions.
Vicki tells Mr. Hallmark about the fight with Briana Culberson, including that Briana called him an opportunist. Brooks starts rambling on about how Briana has truth, her truth and I can see him straining to remember that Joel Osteen segment on being the best you you can be. Truthfully though, I think Brooks handled it well. Vicki doesn’t understand why Briana is upset, after all she’s always been the perfect mother! Yep – she said that.
Naturally, Vicki thinks Briana has daddy issues because of her father and Donn. I wonder if Briana has daddy issues or mommy issues? Vicki cries that she is tired of her life being under construction, she just wants her life to be finished product. Are these two perfect for each other or what? Love tanks, construction zones, what’s next? A garden analogy?
Devon Broyles from Richmond, Virginia is the teem mom we met on last night’s 16 and Pregnant. She brags about being mature for her age, as she’s sixteen and pregnant with her twenty-year-old boyfriend Colin whom she met after his first tour in Iraq.
Devon lives at home with her older brother, two sisters, and mom. Her folks are divorced, but her parents are still friendly, so her dad stays at their house when he’s in town. Hmm, what else? Oh yeah, Devon’s sister Jane is also a teen mom, so her one-year-old daughter lives there as well. Her mother also let Colin move in after the pair started dating. Where’s John Stamos because this is clearly a full house!
The couple reminisces about the many nights Devon would sneak Colin into the house late night, and once her mom busted them the following morning, he was allowed to move in for good. She got pregnant a few months later. Devon is focused on school while Colin supports the family by serving in the Reserves. She admits to her friends that she didn’t figure out she was pregnant until she was five months along. Yea prenatal care! Her friends laugh at her misfortune as she was always the life of every party.
After a volatile competition on the last Dance Moms: Miami, last night the dancers are back to learn their places on the list. Abby and Sammy are noticeably absent. Debi isn’t too sad to see that they aren’t present. Angel is upset about the drama that went down at the competition, especially with the moms (cough, cough, Suzie, he means you!).
Sammy is at the bottom of the list, presumably since she dropped Kimmy and then tried to blame shift, but it works out well since she’s also a no-show at practice. Hannah is fourth on the list due to technique even though she did well at the competition. Lucas, who won first for his solo, is third because he threw Sammy under the bus and tattled on her for saying Kimmy’s timing was off in the group number. Am I seeing things or did smoke just come out of Brigette’s ears? I think she’s more upset at that news than Lucas. Kimmy gains second place for taking the blame for something she didn’t do. Ani is shocked. She figured her daughter would be much further down the list due to her dancing. How weird is it not to see a mom get upset about their child’s placement! Jessi places first for dancing well and juggling the stress that her crazy mother bestowed upon her. True that!