On part 3 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion, James Kennedy gave out “ass holes” galore. Most of them deserved. Although James calling anyone an asshole is the very definition of “irony” – look it up in the Bravo Dictionary! Far from being The White Kanye West, James is more accurately the less stupidly-haired Donald Trump.
Alas, before James opens his can of asshole with the index finger of doom, Stassi Schroeder argues with Lisa Vanderpump about her sex tape. Did we ever figure out why the hell Stassi Does Dildos is only worth $900? Honestly I would expect it to be more like $9.99 clearance, but I mean, whatever whets your whistle! Stassi accuses Lisa of asking her parents to repay the money, and is furious Lisa didn’t demand Stassi’s”ex-boyfriend” sign a contract after getting paid, nor did LVP get the footage back. Exactly what was Stassi doing while Lisa was combing the slums of Beverly Hills like an Archer episode to recon a sex tape absolutely no one butScheana Marie wanted to watch?
No one cares about Stassi and her sex tape, (except for Kristen Doute, who keeps trying to interrupt until Lisa instructs her to “shut up”).
Finally! Dear readers, our patience has paid off and last night we were rewarded with the start of the new season of Southern Charm. It was as if Christmas, my Pearl Harbor birthday, and my day job holiday bonus all came at the same time, except it’s not December, it’s April–and spring has sprung in a major way! It’s all there: Cameran Eubank’s hilarious one-liners, Shepard “Shep” Rose’s charming frat-tastic world views, Thomas Ravenel’s black-eye, Kathryn Dennis’ eyerolls (complete with false lashes and snark), Cooper Ray’s attempts at peace-keeping, Landon Clements’ transition from background sidekick to major player, Craig Conover’s return to the Holy City, Patricia Altshul’s gorgeous caftans (son Whitney Sudler-Smith was there, too). It was all perfect. Did I mention I got to watch it all at a wonderful premiere party at JD’s Sermets hosted by Cordially Cooper? Pinch me.
So that dinner party, right? Bravo has perfected the art of the hook with a minute-long tease of the finale. Move over, Camille Grammer, your Dinner Party from Hell has been replaced…tenfold. As we view the entire cast imploding over a meal at T-Rav’s downtown compound (did Thomas just remove Cameran from the premises? Are Shep and T-Rav going to come to blows?), we’re hit with the news that the start of the third season of Southern Charm is going to rewind three months to regale us with the build-up to the epic moment. Damn you, Bravo.
First, NeNe Leakes waltzes out wearing what can only be described a costume from the adult-entertainment version of Frozen. I mean, it was the ice queen cometh, although there is nothing icy about NeNe who can neither keep her comments nor her anger to herself.
NeNe came back to defend her turf, since she owns this show and couldn’t leave her “baby” to a group of teenagers who can’t do CPR. Andy Cohen seems to support this idea, even ifKandi Burruss is making the stank face to end all stank faces. Speaking of babies, Kandi has to leave to go pump – and the women all gasp over how phenomenal she looks post-baby (she does!).
We made it! The final episode of The Real Housewives of Potomac’s debut season is in the can (in more ways than one). Now that the etiquette curtain has fallen – or rather, has been ripped to shreds – the ladies decide to end their shared story by hurling mean-spirited accusations at each other about race, babies, and other sordid nonsense. Fun times!
Oh – and Katie Rost is not only throwing down with Robyn Dixon and Gizelle Bryant at a “Come to Jesus” luncheon; she’s also still pining away for an engagement ring from Andrew. So, not everyone’s story has changed much since episode one, after all. But will the forced engagement actually happen?
Charrisse Jackson-Jordan is sleeping off her hangover the morning after her 50th birthday bash. The party was everything she thought it should be, with the exception of not having her husband Eddie there. She did have Eddie’s $80 grand there, though, soooooo…it’s not all broken dreams over here.
Oh man. It’s finally here: the glass to the head that sent Christy McGinity Gibel to the hospital, courtesy of castmate and long time friend/nemesis, Terra Jole. But before we get to that sorry scene, we must navigate the aftermath of Briana Renee’s bachelorette trip to Cancun, which includes some shocking news. Suffice to say, a whole lotta mess was in store for us on last night’s Little Women: LA.
Matt and Briana are out for an unemployed stroll to discuss the fiasco that was Cancun. Briana gives him her Cliff Notes: Jasmine Sorge tried her best, but Terra lost her f’in mind anyway. The only people Briana is inviting to her wedding now are Elena Gantand Jasmine. Christy is in “guest list limbo,” and the rest of the girls can catch fire, as far as Briana is concerned. Matt encourages Briana to invite her parents to the wedding, but she’s not sure. She weirdly says, “It’s like they’re my parents, but they’re not my parents…you know?” No, I don’t know, Briana. That’s a loaded statement, to put it lightly.
You guys Lisa Rinna has to talk about something. She reallyreallyreallyreally has to get something off her chest, clear the air, and discuss this reallyreallyreally important thing that’s been weighing heavily on her and like bothering her lately and she just really has to put it out there and like f–king own it. So the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills flew across the world to deal with the diarrhea of Lipsa’s giant lips.
But seriously – what the hell was going on last night?! They’re in Dubai, so it’s already another world, but this quickly became Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Except in this case, it’s actually all of us falling down the giant gaping hole of Lipsa’s mouth, which is directly linked her to her giant gaping makes no sense (OMG WHY IS ERIKA GIRARDI‘S BRAID A GIANT CATERPILLAR EATING HER HEAD IN THE DESERT) thought process. I’d blame hookahs, but um… well she brought the crazy with her from California. I hope it isn’t catching. Like Lyme!
Last night’s Dance Moms brought the drama, but Abby Lee Miller managed to stay slightly above the fray. You know that means it’s bad! As the episode begins, Abby is as unhinged as ever as she lectures the mothers on not respecting how busy she is as Ashlee lobbies for a pyramid to prove to the other moms that Brynn is worthy of the ALDC jacket. She’s still fuming that the team refuses to accept her daughter as its newest member, and I’m fuming that I get riled up and forget this a scripted mess.
At the studio, JoJo inquires to the whereabouts of Ashlee’s friends, and Ashlee retorts that she has no friends. Meanwhile, Melissa drives her daughters to practice, and Maddie admits that she love Brynn, but her addition to the team was awkward thanks to the mothers. MacKenzie chimes in to say how sad it was that the moms accused Brynn’s win of being rigged, and Melissa quickly shuts her down. “We don’t say that word.”
Jenelle boils hot dogs for Kaiser while friend/roommate/nanny Tori’s presence assures him he’s not alone with his mom. “We gotta wipe your hands. Forget it, we’re not wiping your hands,” Jenelle says in one breath before putting Kaiser in his crib to scream alone while she hangs out in bed with Tori.