First, Mike wakes up the morning after the Diamond Water party, and Jessica tells him it was a disaster. Mike admits he doesn't remember much of what happened at the party, but he says his friendship with Reza is important to him.
Asa invites MJ and GG to her house for lunch. Good news, MJ wears a real shirt over her corset. Bad news, it isn't long before she's falling out of it. Worse news, MJ's as annoying as ever. Season three MJ is such a disappointment to me. MJ brings Asa an orchid and she wears sunglasses. GG brings Asa an orchid and she wears sunglasses. So MJ complains about GG copying her. How could GG have known about MJ's orchid? And isn't it always sunny in CA? Anyway, lunch is awkward, but GG and MJ come to a truce. MJ admits using Leila to get to GG was crappy. GG thinks MJ's apology is lacking but accepts it.
Last night Abby Lee Miller put her threats into action on Dance Moms. Everyone is replaceable, and she set out to prove it with the first of her open auditions. Leslie arrives at the ALDC as if she didn't have a meltdown at the previous competition about disrespect. Abby explains to Leslie that she takes things too personally and her behavior ends up embarrassing everyone. Jill interrupts their pow-wow to butter up Abby with a new pair of earrings. That's a new low! At the pyramid, Abby touts her open auditions in Orlando, and all the girls and moms look like deer in headlights…except for Maddie, of course. Abby invites Maddie and MacKenzieto travel down early to help her with the auditions. Leslie then opens her mouth to inquire as to why they are the ones who Abby chose to assist her. Abby turns to Payton to tell her that her mom often speaks out of turn, and she should be embarrassed by her behavior.
Payton is on the bottom, but she fully expected to be there thanks to her mother. Kendall follows, and Jill is beyond confused. Why did she bother with the earrings? As Kendall is on the verge of tears, Abby reminds her that she needs to cut out the crying. Nia then Paige round out the bottom tier. Kelly is complimented for not causing drama. MacKenzie is in fourth, with Brooke in the third spot. Abby explains to her that she can balance dancing and singing as long as she's performing to the best of her ability. Chloe is in second for following Kendall when she was supposed to dance before her. Once again, Maddie graces the top of the pyramid. Maddie and MacKenzie both get solos, but MacKenzie won't be dancing in the group routine. Brooke will be leading a trio with Paige and Chloe as background dancers. Abby asks the moms to tweet about her open auditions, but Holly refuses to aid in finding a replacement for her daughter. Curses! Abby is foiled again. Not shockingly, Melissa promises to tweet the news.
TheVanderpump Rules crew is still in Cabo celebrating our day of national reckoning; a day where dysfunction is recognized as a peril in great need of attention.
This day is also known as Stassi Schroeder's birthday. While in her mind this day is as important as the day of Jesus' birth, for the rest of humanity it is a day that we remain buried under our covers and asking where it all went so wrong. I blame her mother – it's always the mother's fault, right?!
Anyway things in Cabo are going bad, bad, bad because right in the middle of Stassi's birthday dinner, before anyone remember to order Stassi an appetizer or a drink, Katie Maloney and Tom 2 erupt into an argument about who's more of a moron. Can we call a draw?
Katie flees the table in what can only be described as a pair of pantyhose recycled into a dress. It was a flesh-colored poncho, it was frightful. Maybe it was flesh eating and that explains her sheer stupidity as her brain was a casualty of it's voraciousness. Also it matched her hair.
Kim Richards' daughter Kimberly graduated from high school and Kim is hosting a big celebration party for her. To prepare Kim, Kyle Richards, Kimberly and one of Kyle's daughters meet up for manicures. And Kyle needs a bikini wax. Kim announces her "wiener" has already been waxed and is looking cute. Kim should probably just go ahead and call it a "whiner" instead.
Kyle prefers to label hers a "tweeter" because <stage whisper> 'vagina' is yucky. It's times like this I wish Brandi Glanville would pop up in the corner of the screen yelling, "VAGINA, Kyle – VAGINA!" just to make Kyle smack her with a caftan after covering her eyes with a haircape.
A salon employee tells Kyle she can have her tweetiewiener dyed. Kyle Freudian Slips and thinks the lady told her to put her vagina on a "diet". But! It's a size 4! Kim's tweeter is a size 0 because it hasn't been eating anything – well nothing except a little "lipstick" she elaborated. How many weight watchers points does a tweeter get?
Well, well, well, it looks like some people are getting a bigger story line on Love & Hip Hop. Peter Gunz has decided to step aside for an episode and let other people take the lead.
Tara Wallace is all about doing her (and probably Peter when he calls) these days to get over her break-up. She's ambushed by K. Michelle and Yandy Smith. Her friends want to give her a sexed up makeover, and she's completely onboard with the transformation, especially since she has a date with the actor she met at Yandy's casting call. It's settled, dirty Heidi Klum it is! The blonde wig is working for her (kind of?), but poor girl can't twerk to save her life.
Rich Dollaz is tired of the constant ups and downs with Erica Mena. He decides to seek the advice of his mom since she's been along for the ride since he started hooking up/working with Erica. Rich's mom urges him to stay focus and keep things professional. He's preparing to go to a modeling show, and he feels guilty because he's gotten all his contacts from Erica. While Rich's mother thinks Erica is sweet and beautiful, but she isn't completely irresistible. Rich needs to keep it in his pants, but it's hard for this self-described "creep."
Phaedra Parks is still reeling over Chuck-gate. Lest you forget he accused her of being a member of the Big Homie Team. As it turns out the only thing big about Chuck is his forehead and his ego. He's actually more like a little homie, or as Phaedra tells Kandi Burruss: "bitesized brownies and a cocktail sausage." Ouch.
Kandi is shocked that Chuck would classify their relationship so falsely, I'm shocked her chunky little dog is eating Pringles. Seriously – what adult purchases Pringles? Phaedra wonders if Kandi's dog needs a Colt 45 to go with his "ghetto" snack. She also calls Chuck a pig. Because he is one.
On last night's Sister Wives, Kody Brown saw two daughters graduate from high school. While Christine was overjoyed for daughter Aspyn, Meri continued to meltdown over Mariah leaving the nest. Poor Janelle, she really wants to high tail it, doesn't she? Even Robyn raises some eyebrows by inviting a fortune teller to the girls' graduation party. Her prediction? One more wife! Oh gracious!
The episode begins with Christine, Meri, and their daughters plan the graduation party. The girls think the moms are living vicariously through them since they never had graduation parties. Mariah and Aspyn are opposed to dancing and DJs. Meri thinks that the girls must be embarrassed by their parents' dancing skills. The only idea that sounds remotely appealing is Robyn's palm reader. I do love that the girls' are cussing in front of their moms. Mariah says "hell no" to a slide show. Kodythen discusses, yet again, how much more expensive Mariah's college education will be. If I were Mariah, I'd ask my folks to put the money they planned to spend on the party towards my education. He invites Mariah's study skills teacher over to talk about financial planning. Kody does not want any of his kids graduating with student loan debt, and he isn't going to be cosigning diddly squat. Slowly but surely, Kody realizes that loans would allow his kids to study and progress without worrying about working three jobs every semester. Take it from me, it's much easier to worry about that debt after graduation. Oh, sarcasm!
To kick things off, Dr. Jenn informs us that Farrah's life is chaotic. So I'd like to inform Dr. Jenn that Farrah's chaos has been meticulously planned out by Farrah the Famewhore. Hold the Fame. Meanwhile, Farrah complains to Taylor about being stood up by her boyfriend-for-hire, Brian Dawe. Farrah assumes Taylor couldn't possibly understand how hard her life is because her divorce was – and I quote – probably like so easy. "I filed for divorce, then I found him hanging," shares Taylor. "So not so easy." Farrah's like, fine your life is hard, I guess, but I'm done with you. Good night. Taylor tells the camera that Farrah is the most self-absorbed person she has ever met. #PotMeetKettle