I don’t know about y’all, but I’m still reeling by Mother of the Year Melissa admitting that MacKenzie should have lost to older sister Maddie on last week’sDance Moms. What doozies does she have in store for us this week? And what kind of hateful ridiculousness will Abby Lee Miller emulate as the ALDC goes head-to-head with the West Coast’s equivalent of the Candy Apples? So many questions regarding last night’s episode, so let’s dive right in, shall we?
The episode begins with the girls joking about the previous competition. Of course, MacKenzie has earned her a spot at the top of the pyramid, and Maddie teases that her tap routines never lose, so it’s game on against her sister. All of the dancers agree that Abby won’t be too bitter about the group loss since she can blame it on Michael Jackson’s choreographer. Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid, and Jill bites her tongue. A shocked JoJo follows, with Abby claiming she is capable of doing better. Nia rounds out the bottom, with Kalani in third on the second rung, and Maddie as runner up for losing to her sister. MacKenzie earned her place in the pyramid’s first place ranking.
On this week’s Secrets and Wives, the ladies take their friendship, and the last shred of their dignity, to a whole new level of hell, gazing upon Cori Goldfarb’s bare lady parts while she lays spread eagle before them on an exam table – all in the name of Truth + Beauty. A little too much Truth for my taste, I confess.
The ladies gather at Cori’s spa, Truth + Beauty, to experience a day of horror with sketchy consultant “Dr.” Levine. Cori’s client base is basically zero, perhaps because people have heard of the anal relaxing cream that lines the shelves? Or the prerequisite vaginal rejuvenation consultation – with all of one’s closest friends looking on! – that the spa is now known for? The low client base is surely a mystery. Liza Sandler of the thousand botched facial plastic surgeries (seriously, go check out her younger photos on Bravo, then ask yourself: Who is this formerly human girl?) volunteers to be the example of what not to do to age gracefully. Unaware of the irony, Liza poses herself in front of the group while Dr. Levine warns the ladies on using too much filler, or else beware the dreaded trout pout!
Who is at the door? No seriously? Who is Mimi Faust meeting with that she should have been honest with long ago? Last week we were served with a cliffhanger of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta proportions, and I need to know who is on the other side of Mimi’s front door. Unless it’s Stevie J., because that will just be a major let down…and I’m deflated like a popped balloon. Mimi wants to come clean to Stevie? Please. Speaking on her sex tape with Nikko, Mimi admits that it was Nikko’s idea to leak the video for cash. However, Mimi reveals that she knew that Nikko was going to sell the tape and she helped him come up with the story. He even decided to make her the victim. Mimi cries about her horrible decisions, and Stevie reminds her that she doesn’t need to feel sorry for herself. Instead, she needs to go forward making sure they make this right for their daughter’s future. Stevie can’t judge Mimi’s actions as he’s done much worse. Mimi feels as if a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She only hopes everyone else will be as understanding as her ex.
Lil’ Scrappy is meeting with former step-father Ernest. He muses that if he can forgive Ernest for stealing from him, everyone else should follow suit. Ernest wants to prove himself to Momma Dee’s kids, and he shares that he is ready to renew his vows with Dee. Scrappy is shocked by how quickly their relationship is progressing…he figured his fickle mother would want a long engagement in the event she grows bored of Ernest. Whatever makes the pair happy works for Scrap, and he’s more than a little excited to pass off his overbearing mother onto someone else.
Real Housewives Of Orange County is a world unlike any other. It is a world in which one hires a premiere cake creator to design a cake shaped like a bottle of champagne. Then one reserves a seat on a private jet to fly said cake to the launch of their said champagne. Then, come to find out, the cake is actually fake – as in not really a cake, but a Styrofoam mold that resembles a cake, and the champagne is not really champagne, but a bubbly wine. Why so much precaution over a fake cake? Styrofoam robustly withstands grubby, unskilled hands of kindergarten crafters like Meghan Edmonds, so certainly it doesn’t need a seatbelt on a private jet, or it’s own personal valet. That’s just one of the many things that ponders me from last night’s episode. There are many, many more…
Heather Dubrow is headed to Napa to launch her champagne, which is not actually champagne, because it is not produced in France, therefore it must be called “Methode Champenoise.” Basically it’s bubbly wine. And calling bubbly wine “methode champenoise” is like calling a car port a “porte-cochere.” You can put fondant on a Styrofoam mold, but it’s still Styrofoam mold! Heather – accept it: you made a designer wine cooler!
Bethenny invited a select group of ladies she likes to decorate cupcakes. Sponsored by Skinnygirl. Not to be outdone – or out boozed, rather – Ramona Singer yanks a bottle of pinot and wine glasses out of her purse. “Who carries wine around in their purse,” Bethenny snaps, caustically shoving the newest Skinnygirl beverage – replete with Skinnygirl glass – in Ramona’s hand. Bethenny should just get a food cart at this point – she can drive it everywhere! Hell, our little homeless one can even live out of it!
Over cupcakes Sonja Morganannounces she is about to pay off off her bankruptcy judgement and wants to celebrate by spending money again. That’s um… that’s really learning from your mistakes! First order of spending into bankruptcy 2.0 is taking a trip to Turks and Caicos.
First, I need to offer my sincerest apologies for missing last week’s Dance Moms premiere recap, but you’ll have to take that up with Mother Nature and her nasty thunderstorms and ridiculously long (and hot and oh so muggy!) power outages. Second, did we really miss much? Abby Lee Miller, true to fashion, flaked on practice and was extra nasty to over compensate for her evident insecurities caused by relocating to Los Angeles. Jill discovered once again that no matter how much bum she kisses, Kendall will never be Abby’s favorite. Basically, Abby was mean, yada yada yada, Nia was discounted, Holly was fuming, Jill was confused as to what exactly she needs to do to cement Kendall in Abby’s good graces, and Maddie was revered. A recap in one paragraph…who knew my wordy self was capable of such a thing?
It’s the second week in LA for the ALDC (this time around, at least), and the moms are still harping on Abby’s erratic behavior. Why anyone is still surprised by her antics is beyond me! The moms are surprised that Abby is in attendance at rehearsal (ehh, she’s “slightly” there), and Abby takes no time building up Maddie and tearing down Nia who doesn’t back down to her teacher. At. All. Go Nia! Of course, Nia ends up on the bottom of the pyramid followed by JoJo for timing errors. Shockingly, Maddie rounds out the bottom rung for not standing out in the group routine. MacKenzie is third for taking direction well, and Kendall is runner up to Kalani’s top spot on the pyramid. Kendall didn’t perform last week, but her video premiered which garnered her a higher spot. Kalani reigns supreme for her exceptional solo. So she forgot a few eight-counts…she improvised like a champ. Jill interrupts to say that a family commitment will keep Kendall from performing this week, but Kendall promises she’ll still be at rehearsals. Abby’s eye rolls say it all.
On last night’s Secrets and Wives, the ladies decide to drag their sorry, hungover butts to an exercise class the morning after partying in Mantauk, where all is not going well among the delusional divorcees of Long Island. Gail Greenberg is leading the boot camp in her all new young person gear. What she’s asking this workout gear to do cannot be done, i.e. turn back the clock like 30 years. Susan Doneson shows up in black lipstick and raccoon eyes ready to feel the burn, but first she must dish to Cori Goldfarb about how she feels attacked by Liza Sandlerand Andi Black at last night’s dinner. Susan has no sh*ts to give about Liza losing her house to a messy divorce. “You’re 47 years old, aren’t you bored?” she wonders about Liza.
Back in LI, Amy Millerdiscovers her son Max has traffic tickets piling up, but Max brushes her off like dust, just like every other man in her life. Max also makes the executive decision to bring a new dog into her home. You know, because he’s a responsible young man who lives with his mom, doesn’t pay parking tickets, dresses like a bunny, and can’t do laundry. Amy blames Max’s distracting behavior for getting in the way of her relationship with Arthur. I blame Max for making me sigh deep, sorrowful sighs over the state of entitled 20-something manboys everywhere. (Seriously, can we not round them all up and set them adrift until they’re house trained?) Amy fears that Max will turn out just like her ex-husband, Max’s father, who…lives with his mom and can’t do laundry. So, yup.
In case you were feeling stressed out about the lack of available Real Housewives wines (and other sparkly alcoholic beverages), Heather Dubrow is launching her own champagne, not to be confused with Fabellini. Appropriately this champagne is named after Heather’s 5-year-old daughter Colette, who leads Heather to drink. Heather commissions a giant champagne bottle-shaped cake, that she is flying in its own seat on a private plane to Napa for the launch party of Colette Champagne. All of the ladies are invited. Lifestyles of the rich and guest role on canceled sitcom hopefully famous!
Literally fell asleep – snoooooze, snore, zzzzzzzzzz, yawn at the thought of another Housewives hawking wine storyline.