Before I continue with this recap I have two points to make:
1) Can we stop with the “My gays”? No one has “gays!” Just like no one has “heteros!” I loathe the so-called possession and ownership of “gays.” Gay people are just people, who are not ubiquitously defined by their sexuality no matter what Real Housewives want us to think. Plus, whatever “gays” Kyle has cobbled together, they clearly do not love her that much to let her dress that bad! Maybe it’s passive-aggressive payback for her leading them around LA referring to them as My Gay 1, My Gay Blonde, My Gay Ladysitter…
2) Why the hell would anyone fight for possession of “My Kim”? They do realize Kims come with Kingsley. And also, at the end of the day (HA!), it’s still Kim – who is praying to a trashcan and speaking gobbledy-goop, insisting it’s a language you just haven’t learned yet! It’s just Kim taking cancer medication as a fun-zany experiment while she accidentally smokes a dildo because she confused it with the e-cigarette she bought from that kiosk in the mall, on Tuesday, errrrr… I mean Wednesday, errrr… I mean during the 9, uhhhh 7, uuummmm 5 days she was in Promises Malibu the hospital working on her tan!
Hollywood, baby! Last night on Dance Moms, the ALDC finally arrived in Los Angeles so that Abby Lee Miller can start on the next chapter in her star-making career. Of course, things rarely go as planned in reality television, and Abby is livid to get to her new rented dance studio to find another class rehearsing in her space. Jill and Holly find it funny that Abby is so intimidated to learn that other dancers are also present in the city where everyone comes to be entertainers. Abby is quickly on the phone with her attorney speaking about privileged information. Jessalyn and JoJo are also present, feeling that they were kind of invited. As Abby fumes in the parking lot, the mothers enter and introduce themselves to the interlopers. Even Melissa finds her behavior odd. Jill doesn’t get the temper tantrum…why can’t the girls just dance?
We’re treated to some of the other competitive west coast teams, including one led by a choreographer once hired by the dreaded Candy Apples’ Cathy. As the girls warm up, Abby calls the mothers to say she feels uncomfortable practicing in the studio with the other teams. Melissa is beside herself. Abby tries to temper her news that she won’t be attending rehearsals by sharing that she’s scored all of the girls an audition the following day. While that’s all well and good, the moms want to know who is going to prepare their girls for the competition!
In the first challenge the teams create a photobomb campaign of King’s Hawaiian bread in NYC. Geraldo Rivera is momentarily silent, still trapped in the hyper-alert mindset of Vivica and Kenya Moore‘s war. He compares working with those two to being in Afghanistan. I’ve never been to Afghanistan but after the many-years reign of terror Krayonce has inflicted upon me, I can attest to needing therapy. Naturally Kenya announces herself project manager.
On the other team Johnny Damon rises to the occasion. Which, thanks to Brandi Glanville‘s dirty mind, also becomes their slogan. Hey – someone had to stop Ian Ziering from composing a 45-minute sermon of 1984’s best marketing catchphrases. He has watched a few episodes of Mad Men, which makes him an expert.
Jax Taylor, the world’s biggest traitor, is hanging out poolside, grabbing cocktails with Kristen, who is reveling in her splendiforous outing of Tom Sandoval‘s cheating after she trotted Miami Girl, her used lip-plants, and Lee Press-On nails (Google the 80s for that ish!) up to the bar to confront Tom about the size of his peni (too small to warrant an “s”) and what exactly he was doing with it – not Kristen much to her dismay.
Since Kristen is happy and Tom 1 is sabotaged, she is kissing James. Meanwhile Jax looks like someone put something in his vodka – was he roofied?! He’d probably like that. He’s there with Carmen. who despite being dumped over pizza is sticking around for more camera time! She accuses Jax of texting 5 other girls, which was a rhetorical question, right? To prove his innocence Kristen grabs his phone and, oh look! there’s a text from some girl in Vegas that Tom 2 cheated with.
My eyes! Last night’s Love & Hip Hop started off with a bang, and I’m almost blinded by booty. Thanks a heap, Mona!
Rich Dollaz is attending a photo shoot to check out up and coming artist Jhonni. What in the world is she wearing? Is Miley Cyrus her stylist? Rich reveals that he has history with Jhonni, and when he stopped hooking up with her, she tweeted out his phone number. He likes ’em crazy, doesn’t he? Understandably, Rich is weary to work with her, but it’s a favor for a friend. Jhonni apologizes for her little indiscretion, and Rich warns her that he’s gone at the first hint of shenanigans.
On last night’s Little Women LA, Briana Mason struggles to gain her family’s approval of her new relationship, Terra Jole finally lets her family in on the pregnancy news, Elena Gant comes up with a new career move, and Briana and Terra go to war over some sketchy singing.
We pick up on the beach where Todd is getting in the middle of a girl fight between Christy McGinty and Terra. Christy finally pulls Todd out of the situation and they both leave the party (which they are hosting). Christy maintains that she did nothing wrong in telling Traci Harrison that Elena knew about Terra’s pregnancy news first, but the rest of the group – and the world – thinks her motives were more sinister. Terra feels Christy and Todd are jealous about her pregnancy. She wishes everyone would just back off and be happy for her. Yeah, well…wishful thinking with this crew.
So last week’s boat ride on Mob Wives was a success, wasn’t it? Last night’s episode began right where the last one ended…with Karen Gravano wanting Natalie Guercio served up on a platter for her to demolish. With friends like these, who needs enemies? Regardless, Big Ang keeps smoking her (is that a clove?) cigarette while trying to figure out where her loyalties should lie. It’s got to be exhausting!
At Drita D’vanzo’s Lady Boss store, she is working on promoting her store with a calendar that she hopes can showcase her make-up, skincare, and jewelry. Karen arrives to help Drita put together her “old Hollywoody meets mobster” vibe. Drita plans to put the proceeds from calendar sales back into the community. Speaking of, Karen wants to host a poker night, and she wants to invite the new Natalie. Drita thinks is a good idea so they can all see how Natalie 2.0 interacts with the crew.
So here we are at Eileen Davidson‘s house where Kyle and Brandi are sobbing, shrieking, and shoving each other in the driveway. I’m pretty sure we learned in kindergarten to use conversation to solve problems, not name-calling, cuss words, gift bags, hands, side-boobs, bracelets, wine, or pizza?! Or Eileen’s driveway!
And while Kyle and Brandi are arguing over who gets custody of Kim Richards, Kim is standing their like “Duuuuuuude… I’m high. Where’s my pizza?” Literally she asked Brandi what happened to the pizza slice – well Brandi threw at your sister, Kim. I would say go grab another one but you’re probably banned from Eileen’s home!