Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was all about mama drama. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team and go to an evil haunted mansion filled with the ghosts of friendship's (kitchen's) past. Or a Russian grocery store with the living embodiment of Julia Child's voice.
Things began last night with Lisa Hochstein's everlasting nightmare; an unpleasant reminder of the things we do for money… errrrr… I mean love. And boobs! Lisa's inlaws are in town and her mother-in-law, Marina, lives to torture her.
Marina doesn't appreciate Fembot's fully constructed fabulosity. If only she had read that instruction manual Lenny faxed over, but Marina doesn't do new-fangled. She also doesn't understand what exactly Fembot does. I mean she doesn't work and she just swans around advertising her son's reconstruction prowess. Was anyone else aware that Lenny was the best plastic surgeon in the world?!
Anyway, Lisa's other major drawback is that she doesn't cook and she's not Russian. Score 0 for the daughter-in-law from Canada! Among the many ways Marina tries to destroy Fembot is by force feeding her fried fish. The horror had Lisa needing Xanax and colonics for weeks. Fembot wonders if Marina will ever like her, but you can tell she really doesn't care! Nor does Marina for that matter, who still believes she runs the show. All shows. Maybe she should take over Bravo.
I bet y'all didn't think Bravo could effectively squish all of Tamra Barney and Eddie Judge's wedding insanity into three hours worth of Bravo fluff. Heck, if you're like me, you may be wondering how they managed to draw out Tamra's OC Wedding into three long episodes. Well, whatever your thoughts, I hope you soaked in all the Disney princess magic of last night's "limited series finale." I love what this network tries to make "a thing." Stop trying to make fetch happen, Bravo! Sorry, I thought a Mean Girls reference was the perfect wedding gift for Tamra, as she's the original Housewives version!
Tamra's poor wedding planner Diann Valentine is getting frustrated and freaked out by the bride-to-be. First of all, Tamra doesn't have the place settings finalized, and she informs Diann that her wedding dresses won't be delivered until the morning of the big day…which is in 72 hours. Tamra can't be bothered by Diann's worries because she's got an appointment at the Pretty Kitty to get her Britney waxed. She's a Brazilian virgin, y'all! I'm shocked! Accompanying Tamra on her big day are her mom and two gay friends. While her mom waits with a rented bridesmaid in the lobby, Ricky and Julius are in the waxing room helping contort Tamra's legs for the hair ripping festivities.
That evening, Tamra and Eddie's family and friends are gathering for an outdoor rehearsal dinner. True to form, Tamra's brother is in attendance with his Mason of moonshine. Heather Dubrow doesn't do "communal booze in a jar" but Terry and Vicki Gunvalson find it super tasty. Tamra corners her brother about a moonshine ban for the wedding day, and he reveals that they will be partying to celebrate her big day with Eddie. A tearful Kenny shares that Eddie brings out the best in Tamra, and she apologizes for torturing him during their childhood. After they hug and make amends, Vicki feels the need to make a teary toast which is thankfully interrupted by a drunken Terry's inappropriateness. "Tongue!" he cries as Vicki goes fawns over Tamra mere centimeters from her friend's face.
Last night's episode had all of these attributes and more. Evelyn wants to placate her daughter's fears that her mother is reconciling with Chad. She reveals that she did text Chad that day for his birthday. She just wanted him to have a blessed day, but that's the extent of their chatting. Sure. Evelyn wants to know if her daughter was worried about her during the photo debacle. Her daughter basically calls her out and says she wasn't worried, and she reminds Evelyn that she totally put herself in that situation. Preach. Am I so much on auto-pilot with this crew that I missed the fact that Shaunie was producing a play about Basketball Wives? She thinks it will be a much needed positive spin for the brand. She's looking forward to seeing some scene run-throughs while she's in New York City.
Evelyn and Tasha go shopping and discuss Tasha's peace talk with Tami. Evelyn still isn't totally convinced that her friend has changed. She's knows Tami will always be one to cut a b!tch. For her part, Tami is meeting with a life coach in hopes of getting rid of her anger issues. She knows she won't turn into Mother Teresa overnight, but it's worth a try. Tami shares with her life coach Shaunie's "it could go really good or really bad" comment regarding Tami meeting Tasha a bazillion episodes ago. Really, VH1? This statement is now what constitutes an entire story line?
It was an intense time with Kody Brown and the family on last night's episode of Sister Wives, as they have chosen to participate in a panel discussion on polygamy at UNLV. Kody is concerned that it could turn into a debate. Not surprisingly, Robyn is unnecessarily fired up, Meri couldn't care less, and Janelle is the only one who comes across as sounding very intelligent. Christine doesn't want any part of the negativity, and daughter Aspyn wants to attend to support her mother.
We learn that Christine's Aunt Kristyn is on the opposing side of the panel, as is Kollene, the teenager that Kody's older children met when volunteering at a shelter for people trying to escape abusive polygamist situations. Christine's aunt is worried that the Browns are painting a rosy and unrealistically sunny picture of polygamy. Kristyn is one of eight children (her sister is Christine's mother), and her mother was the first of thirteen wives to her father. She married at seventeen and it wasn't long before her husband was finding new wives. Kristyn finally left him at age fifty. Something tells me Janelle is going to be very interested in hearing her story…
Kollene grew up in a cult-like polygamist family, and she is quick to admit that her experiences are far different from the Browns. While she's never said it, I have a feeling she suffered a lot of abuse. Kristyn shares that met Kody when he was first courting Christine and she was fully supportive of polygamy. Willie is also a panel member who was part of Warren Jeffs FLDS family. He is one of forty-two children and escaped the lifestyle with his mother and six sisters.
So last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey the producers teased us with progress, yet again, but then we all ended up right back where we started with some sort of family drama nonsense.
Gaaawd. Gawwwwwd. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd. It's all sooooo boring. We don't care. And you know what, it doesn't even seem believable anymore. Ugh. That's like all I have to muster. Recap over. Bye! Just kidding, but I'm gonna go ahead and say the highlight of last night's show was Penny Drossos-Karagiorgis' 10 foot long ponytail extension from the My Little Pony Weave Collection! Seriously that synthetic tail she was sporting was the color of Kraft Mac & Cheese and looked like straight up plastic Easter grass. As RuPaul would say: 'Grrrrrrrrllllll…'
My other favorite part of the episode: Melissa Gorga's "singing". Her music career is about as believable as Penny's hair. Alright let's dive in!
So Teresa Giudice is pimping out Skinny Italian foods. She's got some sort of "store" where she has all the packages displayed. Is it edible? Apparently she's saving pasta from being boring by dumping a bunch of love in some pre-packaged rigatoni. Whatever. The real point of this meeting is so she can discuss the Melissa drama with her mom and mother-in-law. I'm not gonna snark – the mommies are adorable. They encourage Teresa to invite Joe and Melissa for a family lunch. Alls good now… for less time than it takes to boil a pot of spaghetti!
Is there any end in sight for Dance Moms? It seems that if Abby Lee Miller has her way, she'll be gracing our small screens every Tuesday from here to eternity! Of course, last night was the finale (I'm still not convinced the season is over), and the ALDC traveled to New Orleans. Abby is revealing the final pyramid before Nationals. Paige is on the bottom, followed by Nia, then Paige. All are called out for nit-picky mistakes. Much to Jill's chagrin, Kendall is also on the bottom tier. She reminds Abby that her duet with Maddiewon first. An overly orange Abby asks Kendall to tell her mother to zip it. Seriously, what is up with that spray tan? Abby reminds me off Ross on Friends when he keeps getting sprayed only on his front (I do so love that episode!).
Peyton rounds out the bottom and Leslie squeals with glee. It looks like someone hitched a ride on the ALDC bus to Louisiana! Abby reminds everyone how much Peyton wants to be a part of the team. Chloe is fourth for being a better dancer two years ago than she is now. Asia is third for being awesome in her duet, but Abby calls her a hot mess in the group number. MacKenzie is second, with sister Maddie taking the top spot. Abby praises her duet and tells her she wishes she'd danced it as a solo. Sorry Kendall!
The group routine will be a tribute to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. To be "fair," Abby is teaching everyone a solo…although she's pitting each of the girls against one another. Petyon and Brooke will be learning the same choreography. Kendall and Chloe will face off for the next solo, as will Asia and MacKenzie. Paige, Nia, and Maddie will vie for the final spot…because that's a fair match-up! Holly knows that it won't be a level playing field with Maddie in Nia's group.
Mackenzie opens the show, reminding us that she's still just a junior in high school. Homework is not a priority but prom is right around the corner. Woot! Mackenzie asks Josh McKee if he wants to go with her, and as always, he "doesn't care." Good talk, Josh. Good. Talk. Mackenzie squeals with delight.
Next Mackenzie shops for a prom dress with zero dollars (and fiance Josh is currently unemployed). Perhaps she should work on that homework a bit more. Math question: Mackenzie has $0. Pretty prom dresses cost $200. How many prom dresses can Mackenzie buy? Show your work.
After the bachelor party hijinks, Tamra figures the best way to continue emasculating her future husband with dance lessons. Tamra shouldn't be dancing. To be honest, I went to get a yogurt during this scene and didn't feel like reliving it so I plowed forward.
Later, Tamra is going to shop for bridesmaids dresses, and Vicki Gunvalson is a no show. Heather Dubrow and Ricky (and some other Bravo extra) are joining her, and Heather realizes she shouldn't be surprised that Tamra doesn't know the difference between blush, cream, ivory, and buff. Who cares? Tamra has plenty of time to find her perfect bridesmaids' dresses. The wedding is two weeks away, which is like an eternity in Bravo-land. The limo pulls up to the elite boutique, and Tamra has flashbacks of her many tequila-soaked vacays to Tijuana. Refusing to get out of the car, Tamra calls Diann screaming about the hideous thrift store. Thankfully, Diann is a bitch-whisperer and she's able to calm Tamra with coos of pricier frocks from the poor woman in the extended stay who designed for Alexis Couture. Thank goodness!