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Oh good lord! So last night we visited the asylum on Real Housewives of Atlanta. Sometimes I just don't even know what to think with the level of delusion of these Housewives. It's like they live in an alternate universe – one I certainly never want to be abducted to – where sanity and decorum is reversed. Heaven help us, but at least we now know the secret of Kenya Moore's "highly coveted" booty: falsies!

So last night things begin with Kenya showing off how she gets her award winning body: the gym. Hmmm… Kenya may have had an award winning body in 1945 when she was Miss USA but um… now she has Photoshop, lipo scars, and Kim K knock-off prosthetic booty and if she thinks that's not obvious, than well… errrrr… yeah.

Kenya and her trainer workout and slam Phaedra Parks for looking less than workout video ready and then Kenya complains that Phaedra is slamming her all over town. Look, ladies – you're both guilty of same thing. 

Phaedra is going the glamour route. All work and and no play makes a booty dull. She's doing a donkey booty photo shoot with a celebrity photographer. Thankfully she left her pickles at home and is instead wearing an outfit reminiscent of a pickle. Oh Phaedra – for all your so-called highbrow connections you can't find a stylist? 

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It was a big night for Drita D'avanzo as she finally took her kids to see Lee in prison.  Karen Gravano wanted to wring Dave's neck Ramona Rizzo's insistence, and Renee Graziano checked into rehab for her addiction to prescription meds.  As for Carla Facciolo and Big Ang, they were more background players…and while I love some Ang, it was nice not to see all of Carla's manufactured drama.

Last night's episode of Mob Wives started with Big Ang and Carla going to get manicures.  Ang looks like a poodle with her crimped hair.  Drita joins them and quickly questions as to whether Ang got a perm.  Thankfully, it's a wig.  Carla shares that Renee has moved in down the street from one of her best friends, and Ang reveals to the ladies that Renee is checking herself into rehab.  Ang hopes that the women will all be supportive of Renee, but Carla can't help making fun of her.  I am not enjoying this "trying to remain relevant" Carla. 

Carla's husband Joe is meeting with an attorney to get some things finalized so that he can move in with his girlfriend Raquel.  Joe tells him about his time in jail, and he explains that he and Carla can get along fine…that is, until she finds out he's meeting with this lawyer to start the divorce proceedings.  I don't see this going well for poor Joe at all!

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Virginia Kolb, Harvin Eadon, and Meyer Eadon introduce us to Big Rich Atlanta. Harvin is the older sister, Meyer is the younger sister, and Virginia, aka Grey Goose, is their vodka-loving mama. Virginia recently moved to Buckhead to help Harvin and Meyer launch a jewelry line. While the sisters get pretty (and tipsy) for a luncheon at the country club, they tell Virginia everything she needs to know about the ladies she's about to meet. 
 
Sharlinda Parker and Kahdijiha Rowe are "tough nuts to crack" and "they're soft around their edges but hard around their interior." Believe it or not – that second description was a team effort. Marcia Marchman and Meagan McBrayer both bring blonde to a whole 'nother level. Harvin and Meyer agree that Marcia and Meagan are a litlte loopy and a lot hilarious.
 
Katie Davidson and Diana Davidson are nice, Southern ladies and dreadfully normal. No! Not normal! Sabrina McKenzie is a dancing preacher and extremely protective of her daughter, Anandi McKenzie, who is "super hot." Ashlee Wilson-Hawn fancies herself the "boss bitch, queen bee, pageant queen" of Atlanta. Harvin is closer to Ashlee than Meyer is. 
 
All of a sudden, getting pretty and tipsy time turns into a mad rush to get to the club. Meyer still needs an eyelash, Harvin cannot find matching shoes, and Mama Goose probably regrets her decision to bring herself (and her money) to Atlanta.
 
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On last night's Dance Moms, Abby Lee Miller was just as out of control as usual.  If she could get any uglier to these girls, I'm not sure I want to see it!  The moms, thankfully, were relatively calm, and the girls, as always, were totally sweet and supportive to each other. 

Abby reveals the pyramid.  On the bottom is Chloe, which Christi is actually okay with for once.  Chloe did forget her choreography.  Nia and MacKenzie join her on the bottom…Nia for not taking corrections well, and MacKenzie for messing up the red carpet at the beginning of the previous group routine.  Abby says she will never forgive MacKenzie for ruining the beginning of the group number..you remember, the one she never had the opportunity to practice before that moment.  Dramatic much?  She will not be invited to participate in group numbers going forward.  Paige rounds out the lowest tier of the pyramid.  Maddie is on the second level, and Abby mocks her for having Sophia's hairstyle but not her intensity.  Kendall joins Maddie on the second tier.  An absent Sophia takes the top spot.  Melissa now knows what the other mothers feel like when their daughters are belittled.

The upcoming competition will be in Greensboro, North Carolina.  Kelly brings up the fact that Brooke is not on the pyramid, and she wants to know if Brooke is still on the team.  Abby is upset that Brooke didn't practice on the weekend after she was kicked out of the group number last minute, and she won't let Brooke participate this week either.  MacKenzie is allowed to block out Sophia's part in the group number since Sophia is in Los Angeles filming a movie.  Of course, Abby loves that.  The dance is about immigration.  MacKenzie and Paige score solos, while Maddie and Kendall will have a duet.  The girls are excited, but Melissa is not.  She's not used to Maddie not having a solo. 

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What say we about Vanderpump Rules except that these girls are seriously a mess. How any of them can possibly have boyfriends is a straight-up mystery to me.

Taking a break from Stassi Schroeder's ridiculous Jax Taylor entanglement – albeit a brief six second break – we are treated to the terminally insecure and immature Kristen Doute on a girlfriend tantrum bender. 

Apparently everyone in LA is a part-time Sur employee and a maybe model/maybe hooker and they often live together and hook up. And sometimes when six degrees of Sur happens they run into each other at amateur staged for Bravo TV modeling shoots. Such would be the case with Kristen and boyfriend/concealer lover/musician/maybe hooker bedding Tom Sandoval.

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Oh, Sean Lowe works out? I almost forgot. While glistening with sweat and annoying homely husbands across America, the Bachelor shares, "One week into it, I find myself really digging a lot of women." Only Sean knows which ones but the possibilities include Sarah, Kacie, Desiree, AshLee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley, Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie, Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda. One of these women could (but probably won't) be Sean's future wife. 

Chris Harrison arrives on the scene of the crazy to deliver the first date card. It's addressed to Lesley and reads, "How long will this love last?" Lesley is excited and goes on and on about dreams coming true and taking her relationship with Sean to the next level. 

Sean brings Lesley to the Guinness World Records Museum. Lesley isn't too impressed, saying, "I'm thinking, um, this could be fun, but if I could have picked any place… I really didn't think we'd be coming to the Guinness World Records." Poor Lesley… a waste of a good (albeit way too short) dress is always tragic. 

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We are now officially ten episodes into this season of Teen Mom 2, and I worry that there is no end in sight.  All of the girls seem to be mirroring each other's behavior.  Jenelle Evans moves, then Leah Messer moves.  Jenelle drops out of school, Leah drops out of school.  Kailyn Lowry gets a new place, Chelsea Houska wants a fenced-in backyard.  I guess I should be glad that they are all pretty interchangeable, right? 

Kailyn has decided against moving to Texas to be fair to Jo.  He is excited to hear that she plans to stay in Pennsylvania.  She informs him that when her lease is up, she plans to look for another home about twenty minutes away.  Does Jo minds driving twenty minutes back and forth to see his son?  Um, I think Jo is glad that he doesn't have to travel back and forth to Texas!  While Jo has Isaac, Kailyn decides to go bowling with Gigi and some of her friends.  Kailyn is paired up with Gigi's friend Javi, and she thinks he's really cute…cute enough to marry?

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rhobh-recap-001Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills continued arguing, battling, passive-aggressively sniping, and being fake to each other. They all need some hobbies. 

Things begin back in the Moroccan restaurant of horrors. If you can imagine things got even more atrocious. As if Mauricio Umansky whining and shrieking at Brandi Glanville wasn't bad enough, then Taylor Armstrong started with the drunk histrionics. 

I think Camille Grammer said it best: "Taylor, nobody cares. We've already heard your story." This time Taylor's drunken syrupy gaze blurriedly turned towards Yolanda Foster who is apparently a bad, bad, bad person because she's married to a rich man and doesn't act like an ass every single minute. Maybe Taylor should do master cleanse. It can't hurt and it's probably better than the wine cleanse she's been doing for the past couple years. 

Taylor makes some threats about how she knows what really goes on with David Foster as one her "best friends for twenty years" was married to him. She's referring to Linda Thompson. And if you recall when Taylor arrived at Yolanda and David's home the man married to one of her best friends for a zillion years had no idea who she was. It wasn't all wine and roses then either, was it Taylor. Well it was all wine… 

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