Recaps

Lisa Rinna

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills mixed trashy lingerie into their usual drama cocktail.  It was um… Splits Richards in all her glory! 

Other than fishnets on ladies of a certain age, the drama centered around Yolanda Foster‘s Lyme Disease and Faye Resnick‘s polarizing existence. Two subjects I do not care about one bit! 

Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump are throwing a burlesque party, to celebrate their joint anniversaries. Kyle and Lisa are cute together. Even when they’re bickering. Lisa withholds sugar from Kyle’s tea as punishment for Kyle springing Faye on her. Kyle teases back that Lisa is holding a grudge. Later Lisa attempts to snoop through Kyle’s phone to see if she and Faye have been talking about her, but it’s all in fun. Quite simply, Lisa doesn’t want the “orangutan” that is Faye – and Faye is very orange in hue no thanks to the most curious spray tan color ever seen. Does she ask the airbrusher to tint her “highlighter orange”? Or possibly “Orange Julius”? Whatever’s happening – that ain’t sunkisst! 

The venue for the party is a speakeasy style hotel, and it’s fabulous. Even the looming presence Faye can’t tint Lisa’s excitement. 

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dance moms debbie allen class

Abby Lee Miller was notably absent on last night’s Dance Moms, but apparently her attendance isn’t required for ridiculous drama.

After Abby’s “resignation” on last week’s episode, the veterans and newbie moms are unsure of their direction, having relocated to a new studio. As the elite team and their mothers ponder their next move, Nia breaks down over haters on social media. Gia is taking over for Abby, and she’s not really the pyramid type. In lieu of solos, Gia has opted for duets. Kalani and Nia are thrilled to be paired together. Minis Peyton and Alexus are recycling a duet originally danced a few seasons ago by Chloe and Asia. Brynn and Kendall will be dancing the final duet, and Ashlee interrupts to ask if Brynn’s choreography will be more difficult than Kendall’s moves. Um no, Gia reminds Ashlee that they will be doing the same dance. As the moms bicker with Ashlee, Gia realizes that a group dance featuring the elites and the minis is going to be a lot harder than anyone anticipated. 

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Stassi is sad

Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules confirmed what I have been saying for years (seasons in Reality TV time): Kristen Doute and Jax Taylor are soulmates. I fully anticipate that in a few years time they’ll drunkenly run off to Vegas for a midnight elopement, then have a combative, insane, marriage befitting of a Hunter S. Thompson tale. All’s Fair In Love And Liquor: A True Tale Of Krax. So thank you, Tom 2, for validating that. 

But no thank you, Tom 2, for the reference to your flaccid penis. Katie Maloney, please get off Scheana Marie‘s drama train and onto your man. If the way Tom 2 was making out with that Hooters chicken wing is any indication, that was a man deprived and we know how Katie feels about make-out cheating! 

The Kristen Doute Apology Tour continues on, gathering steam by adding Stassi Schroeder, and growing into a cloud of vicissitude by adding Jax

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Kenya looses it in Jamaica

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta was full of surprises! Shockingly Bob appeared as Sheree Whitfield‘s date, NeNe Leakes sauntered onto the island to soak up the adoration so all that remained was shade, but most exciting: Tootie got Kenya Moore‘s twirl all twisted up like a tornado. Then Kim Fields just strolled away. 

Kim may be way too normal for reality TV; she may not be cut-out for RHOA, but she’s certainly a smart, classy, and professionally successful lady whose reputation in the industry speaks for itself. Ms. Beauty Queen on Bathsalts Krayonce WISHES she had an IMDB page that featured something from this decade (other than Real Housewives Of Atlanta). Kim is correct – Kenya belongs at the kiddie table until she’s able to conduct herself like a grownup, not an 8-year-old forced into an educational trip to DC to meet with congresswomen.

Kim’s comments hit Krayonce right in her butt-hurt stallion booty. 

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Ashley-Darby-Whiskey-Tasting-Real-Housewives-of-Potomac-001

Hey! Isn’t it bad manners to start this show 15 minutes late? Oh well. It’s time to learn more about etiquette (or lack thereof) from the self-proclaimed queens of manners, the Real Housewives of PotomacSo far this season, we’ve learned that when the cameras start rolling, all bets are off with so-called friends. Like in the case of Gizelle Bryant and Karen Huger, who claimed to be pretty good buds before the show taped, but are now at each others’ throats over who-sat-where-in-a-damn-booth. Or Gizelle and Charrisse Jackson-Jordan, whose argument at the clam boil went to level 10 over some cabinet-banging and dragging “the help” upstairs. (Both of these arguments came to us courtesy of Karen and Charrisse, in my opinion, with Gizelle getting caught in the cross-wigs.) What happened to a few episodes of “getting to know you” housewifery fluff before all hell breaks loose? And where are the gorgeous homes and high class lifestyles of which we were foretold!? <wipes tear> In short, Dear Bravo: Where Are The Wives You Promised Us!?!? 

Alas, we are left with this bunch. But the introduction of younger, less etiquette-obsessed Ashley Darby may just breathe new life into what is already becoming a stale manners-off among this group of confused socialite wannabees. And tonight’s episode does thankfully fill in some much-needed gaps of real backstory on our key players. First we begin with Katie Rost, who’s meeting with Washington Life Magazine to talk about how her modeling career has changed since she’s become a mother. She’s not getting many modeling jobs these days, so she’s using her “good looks and charm” to raise money for charities, specifically for her family’s Rost Foundation – of which she’s director. Coming from a legacy of philanthropic work within her family, Katie has big shoes to fill. She’s got it all, except a husband, as the Magazine rep she’s meeting with so kindly points out. (Did we just get transported back to 1954?)  

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mob wives renee this guy

After the drama proffered in last week’s episode of Mob Wives, I’m not quite sure what to do. Normally, I’d recap the season thus far, but OMG! Where do I start? Forgive me for forging in head first, but I’m at a loss. So let’s begin with what we witnessed last night, shall we? Drita D’avanzo is treating Big Ang to a swanky meal for being such a good friend. Such is the lives of Mob Wives! I’m just happy this is the last season, as I am physically and emotionally spent…for no other reason than I have no other shows on Tuesday! Just kidding, I’m enthralled regardless!

Drita contends that Ang will be a leading lady in her upcoming memoir. You can’t write a book about the lifestyle without having Ang front and center! Ang coyly dismisses her friends compliments (are they truly compliments to us normal folk? Is being a mob staple the lifestyle we covet?) and explains her heartache over not being able to hold a liquor license and re-open the Drunken Monkey. Her husband Neil needs to step up to the plate. She’s let him slide on helping pay bills for the last six years, and now it’s time for him to contribute. Changing the subject, Ang reminds Drita that she needs to make amends with Carla Facciolo. Ang admits that she told Carla that Drita shared Carla’s abusive relationship with her and that she announced the same to Carla, Karen Gravano, Renee Graziano, and crew. Drita doesn’t discount how this game of telephone came into play, and she’s hesitant to be put in a situation where she needs to address it.

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Cast-Motorcross-Little-Women-LA

The first ladies of Lifetime’s ‘Little Women’ franchise are back for season FOUR! This season of Little Women: LA sees the gang reunited, minus Brittney “Freakabritt” Guzman, for another round of oversized drama, including more friendship fallouts and – of course – more pregnancy news. (Has there been a season yet that didn’t involve marriage or pregnancy hullabaloo of some sort, I ask you? Looks like this one’s no different!)

We start out at Jasmine Arteaga Sorge’s home, where she’s fixin’ to throw a Mommy Cocktail Party. It’s been only about a month since Elena Gant and Saint Preston’s vow renewal in Hawaii, which means it’s also been a mere hot minute since the epic throw down between Briana Renee (formerly Manson), Matt Ericson, and…every other human being on the show.  Jasmine is still sporting the spider lashes, and she’s still BFFs with Briana, who shows up first to the soiree.  

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Yolanda on RHOBH

Look – I’m just gonna say it, because it has to be said: Yolanda Foster should not be part of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills this season. If Yolanda is too ill to fully participate, she should have taken a leave of absence to selfie from the comfort of her bed.

It’s not that I believe illness or family tragedy have no place on a mostly fluffy reality show. I fully agree the storylines should be real and provide an honest-ish glimpse into these women’s lives. But Lyme Disease has infected everything! Plus Yolanda is not giving us realness (about her own life or, apparently, allegedly, her children’s?), nor is she giving us the aspirational living required from the WEALTHIEST Housewives zipcode. Instead she’s giving us… well I don’t know if it’s Chronic Lyme, misdiagnosed menopause, Munchausen by Wikipedia, denial over an ailing marriage, or silicone poisoning?

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