Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey. I don't know why they bothered taping one this season since it was pretty much a complete rehash of last season's! Of course things ended on a much better note, so there's that – and it seemed as if Teresa Giudice and Joe Gorga had finally taken the steps towards the slow, treacly path to rebuilding… But then we saw WWHL. So, anyway – Deja-Jersey!
Apparently all things Jersey must end with Posche. #Posche4Life. Kim D has some magic clutches on the producers of RHONJ – I mean how on earth has she roped them into filming her event three seasons running?! It starts with Penny Karagiorgis squaring off against Teresa. Did Teresa tell Penny all about the misdeeds of her sister-in-law Melissa Gorga? Penny says yes, Teresa says no. I say (as does Joe Giudice): "Who cares?!"
Penny reveals she has Teresa's phone number in her phone but there's no proof they've communicated as she doesn't save "texez" – or "Texas" if you're Teresa. Then Johnny, Penny's large, not in charge, husband appears to defend his wife and take Poison down to size (invisible?), or something. He's got texas and tweets galore and he's also got Poison breathing down his neck like a steroid-engineered gnome. Little man feisty. Little man get mad. Little man attack. Rawr!
Last night'sI Dream of NeNe was more therapy, drama, and famous friends ofNeNe Leakes. When it begins, the Neenster is reuniting with the Donald, and I'll be damned. They have the same hairstyle. Trump wants NeNe to judge the Miss USA pageant. After their mutual admiration club, Donald shares with NeNe that he's read that she's getting remarried to her ex-husband. She reveals that her first divorce from Greggwasn't amicable…in fact, it was hostile. Basically, Donald advises NeNe to get Gregg to sign the pre-nup or he's fired. She also tries to get Donald's advice on blending families, but of course, it all boils down to her getting an extra nice wedding gift from the Donald.
Cynthia Bailey's husband Peter Thomas has bonded with Gregg, and Gregg is looking to his new biffle for guidance as to how to blend his family. Luckily for Gregg, Peter has a lot of opinions given the fact he has five children that aren't with his current wife. Peter urges his friend to make sure that everyone gets along.
This week, Mackenzie finds tumbling practice to be more exhausting than it used to be. Coach tries to put things into perspective for the young mom – she has the potential to cheer on a college level but she needs to be able to 1) practice on a that level while attending classes and taking care of Gannon and 2) pay for college. Mackenzie's banking on Josh McKee (and his already scrambled brains) on winning rodeos so she can be a cheerleader.
Next Katie discovers that Joey Maes overdrew their checking account, costing them $90 in bank fees, and she worries he's using their grocery money to buy drugs. Katie gets on Joey's case the second he walks through the door, as per usual, and he blows her off to play with Molli. Katie throws bank statements at Joey (and Molli) and they argue for the 300th time since the premiere.
And just like that, Evelyn's tears fall like rain (again) and she exits the restaurant with the Puppet Master running after her friend. "Am I being dramatic?" Evelyn asks. Finally, a question we all want to answer.
Later, Evelyn is shooting the cover for Vibe Vixen, and she questions Tami as to whether she overreacted to Tasha's joke. Tami understands why her friend is upset and suggests that Evelyn have a talk with Tasha about her hurt feelings. She is actually proud of Evelyn as last season's variety would have thrown a drink (or a chair, or a shoe, or a wine bottle) at anyone who looked at her the wrong way. I guess we all just pretend that Tami didn't just pop off on Evelyn during lunch for a misplaced hand. Okay, I'll play that game.
I dunno… maybe Real Housewives of Miami is growing on me. It's so… glossy. I mean, I'm a girl who loves a soap opera and since reality TV is just as staged and melodramatic as Revenge, why not amp up the glamour and make it look as glossy as Revenge. Although if Emily Thorne ever sports leopard print tuxedo trousers with a neon racing stripe Imma have serious issues.
So last night the bionic blonde trio of Lea Black, Joanna Krupa, and Fembot Fakenstein traveled to LA for a little wedding planning. You wouldda thought it was the first time these broads had been on an airplane before with all the handycam footage they were shooting. Lisa gleefully popped a tranquilizer of some sort then put both legs behind her head contortionist style and bragged that Lenny really likes that move. Um… I have never seen an adult woman that flexible – even in yoga – did she get her hipbones removed or something? Is she entirely made of high-grade silicone. She's definitely a fembot.
Then they arrive at Joanna's LA home, which is really pretty. Lisa looses track of her giant suitcase, which weighs approximately double what she does even when she wears 7" platforms. It starts rolling away from her down the driveway. She takes off after it fearing for the life of her Louboutins and ends up in the street desperately tripping over the giant thing. That was seriously the funniest scene I've ever seen on this show. It was classic and adorable.
If you're like me, you're wondering what great deed you must have done this weekend to be treated to two full hours of Kody Brown's hair. Oh, and Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn were there too…
The Sister Wives reunion begins with Tamara Hall addressing Kodilocks (thanks reader Hegeira for that hilarious moniker!) and the Brown wives. The family relives the drama of getting financing for the cul-de-sac compound and Meri's tears. Christine and Janelle are sporting some pretty heavy make-up, and Meri explains that there is more potential for jealousy now that the women are in such close proximity. When Tamara tries to dig deeper, Meri begins back-tracking and Christine admits sometimes she is visited by the green monster. Tamara needs to take over the Housewives reunions!
To lighten the mood, the group jokes about a time when Kody was told by Robyn that he needed to put on his big boy panties and get used to his wives empowering themselves with My Sister Wives Closet. He blushes over the jokes as Robyn apologizes. Tamara then shares Danny the builder's insights on Kody and all of his ladies. Everyone agrees that Danny is spot-on with his assessments.
Well, well, well. Are we starting to see some deeper cracks in Kody Brown's "happy" marriages? TLC needed to save the biggest issues for the final episode of the season of Sister Wives. Robyn's budget jewelry line, Meri's coveted wet bar, Janelle's scale hatred, and Christine's crafting have been leading up to some finale night dramz!
Last night, we began with Kody sharing that he and his wives went to counseling when living in Utah, and they are meeting with a new therapist to discuss their issues. This woman was recommended by their previous therapist who specialized in plural families. After taking personality tests (Meri is not on board), we learn that this process is just furthering their mission statement goal. That's really going to be their thing, isn't it? Kody is initially wary of this educated woman. She's probably a feminist, and feminists aren't fans of polygamy. Who knew?
Kody and Meri are sitting down with Mariah to discuss her expensive tuition. Mariah's scholarship doesn't cover very much, and the school costs much more than Logan's UNLV education. Mariah offers to get another job, but Kody reminds her that her she has sixteen other siblings that they need to consider. Kody isn't willing to co-sign any loans because, you know, he wants to retire. Tell me again how you retire from not having a job? Mariah is devastated, and Meri tells Kody that they've been working on other scholarship options that he isn't aware of since he's been so M.I.A. lately. Wait, I thought this cul-de-sac compound was supposed to bring everyone closer….literally?
I'm just gonna say it – I'm over this crap. Yep, I just called Real Housewives of New Jersey "crap" so nana-nana-boo-boo. Look I'm as mature as the castmembers now!
So last night was part one of the so-called "epic" season finale. It was pretty much rehashing of last season's season finale except there will be actual fist fighting. So they took last season and made it more trashy! Lovely, Bravo. Really just lovely.
Before all that, we were rendered temporarily deaf by Melissa Gorga attempting to sing. While I was holding my head and cringing, Bravo threw Penny Karagiorgis, her Wal-mart extensions ripped off from a Barbie Halloween costume, and Teresa Giudice shrieking at each other in my face.
It's a miracle I did not spontaneously combust right here on my non-made-of-marble sofa while drinking my non-fabellini alcoholic beverage. Maybe next week…