Chris Harrison is on hand, as well, to keep every single most dramatic rose ceremony running smoothly. Not on hand? Emily Maynard. She broke Sean's heart on the Bachelorette and, for the sake of my sanity, needs to stay far away from this season.
Sean has fully recovered from his heartbreak and is ready to try again on the Bachelor. Clearly, he's a fool. He says the idea of possibly meeting his future wife during this journey (drink up, my friends) is kind of exciting and kind of intimidating.
Sean adds, "I want the end result. I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have, and I want to be the best possible man I can be for her. I want to be rich in love."
Because ABC doesn't completely hate me,Arie Luyendyk, Jr. stops by Sean's pad to help him prepare for what is to come. Mr. Holy Hotness schools Sean on how to properly kiss a woman: Eye contact. Use your hands. Touch her hair. Touch her face. Tease her with your tongue. No lizard tongue. Use your whole body. #coldshower
Curse you, Arie, for not signing up for this train wreck of a show solely for my entertainment.
Lord have mercy! I sometimes think that Teen Mom 2 would be easier to watch if I didn't know what was going on with these girls' lives now. Jenelle Evans seems to be hitting rock bottom this season, but we know it only gets worse. Kailyn Lowry is now engaged even though on the show she's still pining over Jo after duping poor Jordan. Leah Messer is remarried with a third baby on the way (although I do like watching her and Corey try to work through their relationship…it helps me reconcile their divorce as being the best decision for both of them), and Chelsea Houska…well, she's still pretty much what you see is what you get…a lot of whining, feathers, and mascara!
Let's get to last night's episode, shall we? Why does Chelsea need to put on fake eyelashes to take her GED tests? I guess they take some of the focus off of those feathers. Aubree has a meltdown as her mom flies off in a bleached haze. Meanwhile Kailyn is leaving Isaac with Jo and his family so she can go to Texas to reconnect with some family. When she arrives in Austin, her cousin is there to meet her at the airport. Austin is definitely on my bucket list. Kailyn reveals that things are stagnant in Pennsylvania because she screwed herself out of a boyfriend.
While Jenelle is back on her bipolar meds, she is still having mood swings. She hopes that she's able to prove to mom Barbara that she's stable enough to be a positivie part of Jace's life. Jenelle shares with a friend that, like, you know, she thinks she may have moved in with Josh, like, you know, too soon. Um, you think? I mean, she waited a week after dating before taking the plunge! Now she realizes, like, you know, that he's totally immature and thinks everything is funny when it's not. Boys! Jenelle also wants to get back custody of Jace before her mom totally dominates his life. Barbara like wants to like raise him the way she thinks is best, you know? Why yes, it's called having his best interests at heart and not taking off to a Ke$ha concert instead of being a mom.
Let's discuss Vanderpump Rules, shall we. Or should I say The Stassi Schroeder Is Mean hour? Oh Stassi – she's such an angry little thing, isn't she. Vanderpump Rules is the tale of two delusional girls and their aspirations being far bigger than their aptitude. First up is Staaaaaasi, or queen of the blue micro minis.
Everyone's favorite descendent of a Swedish princess moved out to LA with the promise of stardom in her eyes. I mean after all , Stassi is like a 20th removed royal so naturally that should mean she'd arrive in Hollywood, announce: "Here I am!" and she'd be shoving Angelina Jolie off her pedestal, right? Unfortunately things didn't' work out that way.
Someone ought to tell Staaaaaaaaaasi that Swedish princess don't sling drinks – and they probably wear bras to work. I could be wrong as I'm only descendent of Scottish princesses and we always wear undergarments.
Let's discuss the crafty editors on last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So there they were with a whole huge storyline about how skanky Scheana Marie Famewhore pretended she had never heard of nor seen Eddie Cibrian before and participated in a two-year-long affair with him not knowing he was married to Brandi Glanville. I mean Eddie was unemployed, but karma is a bitch because he eventually left both Scheana and Brandi for LeAnn Rimes. And I would say Eddie lost on that gamble!
Other things happened last night. Bravo introduced us toTaylor Armstrong's boyfriend John Bluher. Way back in the day Taylor was telling us John was her pro-bono attorney on the $1.5M lawsuit she was battling against MMRGlobal. They were also "just friends." Friends with benefits, also known as an affiar. And then he just popped up on the screen attending a couple's night with Taylor, Kyle Richards, and Lisa Vanderpump. Wasn't that a coincidence. Sometimes – just sometimes – the Bravo editors don't do us injustice. Hey, it's once in a blue moon!
Things begin withFaye Resnick trying her darndest to become relevant. Yeah, we still don't like you – go away. Faye's face is like melted, globbed together wax. It's clear that with the friendship she shares with Adrienne Maloof, they also share a plastic surgeon. Karma is a bitch like that, I s'pose!
Oh gracious! I wasn't even a minute in to watching last night's premiere of the original Love & Hip Hop when I realized it had gone by way of Atlanta. It's over stylized and filmed as if it's rap video, not a reality show. It's going to be a long season. I'll be honest, it was hard to keep up with all the drama, but I think it's going to be eventful…and I think we saw it all on L&HHA with just a different cast of characters.
As the episode starts, we're introduced to Tahiry Jose who claims to be a video vixen, model, and actress. Right now, she's also a waitress. However, even she knows that she's most famous for being Joe Budden's ex-girlfriend. She left their five year relationship because Joe wasn't handling his business properly. Joe loves being in the public eye, and he gained quite a following when he would post videos of Tahiry on You Tube. He misses Tahiry and hopes that the two can work on developing a strong friendship. The pair is meeting for lunch, and two things are evident: he likes riling her up, and Tahiry isn't a fan of Joe's shenanigans. Tahiry wonders why Joe so desperately needs to be friends with her…can't he share all his life stories with his new lady? Joe just wants to keep Tahiry on a string for when he needs her. The lunch ends with Tahiry screaming at him and shoving the table so hard that her sangria topples. I have to hand it to that one extra playing the role of restaurant patron number two had the acting sense to appear shocked at the couple's tirade while all the other extras just ate their free lunches and pretended like nothing was happening.
Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta we learned valuable lessons can be gained from reality TV. Namely how NOT to get a man to marry you.Kenya Moore illustrated that point in the best way possible when she used every man repellant trick in the book to try and bamboozle Walter into dropping down on one knee. Do not beg a man on national TV to marry you – especially when the show you're on falls into the "reality TV" category. #HowNotToBehaveAndWhy
Things begin with NeNe Leakes,Gregg, and some not so subtle hints. Given that they're moving to LA so NeNe can hit the big time in Hollywood, Gregg has fished out their wedding champagne flutes and poured some wine and then Oooohhh… baby! Bryson shows up with his new daughter Bri'Asia and she is too cute. Awww… babies are even making me overlook NeNe's really unflattering, heftybag-looking brown jumpsuit.
NeNe and Gregg double-team Bryson with a Come To Jesus talk about getting a job, earning his own money and not neglecting his responsibilities. I personally love when NeNe and Gregg lecture – they need to do some sort of motivational speaking summit for parents of the wayward, cause they are hilarious. NeNe discusses her own past being a single mom at 21 and how it helped her get her act together. Hopefully the same can be done for Bryson!
Last week on Shahs of Sunset, Mike Shouheddecided that he and his friends need a drama-free (but still drunken) weekend in Cabo San Lucas. Sounds lovely.. and bound to go horribly wrong.
First, Asa Soltan Rahmati and Reza Farahan promote themselves to king and queen of the group and act all That '70s Show funky crazy in the car. Asa better put her hands on the wheel of her Mercedes-Benz or she's going to have to demolish her house to afford a new car. #brokepeopleproblems Speaking of Asa's broke ass, she decides that this is the year of the Persian Pop Priestess, vowing to finally make money with her music. Please forgive me if I don't hold my breath.
Mercedes "MJ" Javid organizes a lunch date between Asa and Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi. Before Asa arrives, GG and MJ order drinks and appetizers. GG orders cheese fries, hummus with pita chips, the triple carne asada tacos, and a cocktail. Goodness gracious! Where does she put it all?
Once they're cocktailed up, GG asks MJ why she excluded her – instead of Asa – from her birthday party. MJ is surprised that GG even has to ask, saying, "You were the one who got physically violent with Asa. What about the fact that she doesn't feel physically safe?" GG tells MJ that she respects her decision, promises to get therapy, and hopes the upcoming trip to Cabo allows her the opportunity to mend broken relationships. Foreshadowing….
Is it just me, or could VH1 afford to redo the opening credits for Mob Wives? Sure, I love to see Drita D'Avanzo, Renee Graziano, Karen Gravano, and Carla Facciolo walking the mean streets of Staten Island, but doesn'tRamona Rizzofeel a bit left out? What about Big Ang and the new girl Love Majewski? Loosen those purse strings, VH1! The ladies are back with an explosive premiere, and the personalities are all over the place! Drita staying out of drama? Carla growing a pair? Thank goodness we have Ang to be a calm in the ever brewing storm!
The season 3 premiere begins with besties Carla and Drita watching their tiny dogs on the boardwalk. Carla reveals that Ang's son is getting more time than just rehab for his drug dealing, and she's also heard that Renee has yet another problem with her. Drita says that she is finally on Renee's good side (and she wants to keep it that way!), but Carla doesn't care whether she is able to resolve her issues with Renee. She goes off on Renee's pill-popping problem, and it makes Drita very uncomfortable. Drita asks Carla if she can play peacemaker. Carla doesn't care one way or the other. This is going to get ugly!
Renee is changing the locks because she's had a recent break-in and her surveillance camera was camera. Clearly, it was someone trying to intimidate her. They even ripped up her Bible. Renee believes that it was some of Junior's former cohorts who are mad he turned state's evidence. She tells son AJ that she wants to get a gun. He rolls his eyes. Renee wants to talk smack about Junior to their son, and he admits that he knows what his dad did was wrong. However, he hates that his mother wants to speak ill of his dad to him. AJ yells that Renee needs to respect him. I feel for him. He's in a tough spot between both crazy parents.