If you're like me, you're wondering what great deed you must have done this weekend to be treated to two full hours of Kody Brown's hair. Oh, and Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn were there too…
The Sister Wives reunion begins with Tamara Hall addressing Kodilocks (thanks reader Hegeira for that hilarious moniker!) and the Brown wives. The family relives the drama of getting financing for the cul-de-sac compound and Meri's tears. Christine and Janelle are sporting some pretty heavy make-up, and Meri explains that there is more potential for jealousy now that the women are in such close proximity. When Tamara tries to dig deeper, Meri begins back-tracking and Christine admits sometimes she is visited by the green monster. Tamara needs to take over the Housewives reunions!
To lighten the mood, the group jokes about a time when Kody was told by Robyn that he needed to put on his big boy panties and get used to his wives empowering themselves with My Sister Wives Closet. He blushes over the jokes as Robyn apologizes. Tamara then shares Danny the builder's insights on Kody and all of his ladies. Everyone agrees that Danny is spot-on with his assessments.
Well, well, well. Are we starting to see some deeper cracks in Kody Brown's "happy" marriages? TLC needed to save the biggest issues for the final episode of the season of Sister Wives. Robyn's budget jewelry line, Meri's coveted wet bar, Janelle's scale hatred, and Christine's crafting have been leading up to some finale night dramz!
Last night, we began with Kody sharing that he and his wives went to counseling when living in Utah, and they are meeting with a new therapist to discuss their issues. This woman was recommended by their previous therapist who specialized in plural families. After taking personality tests (Meri is not on board), we learn that this process is just furthering their mission statement goal. That's really going to be their thing, isn't it? Kody is initially wary of this educated woman. She's probably a feminist, and feminists aren't fans of polygamy. Who knew?
Kody and Meri are sitting down with Mariah to discuss her expensive tuition. Mariah's scholarship doesn't cover very much, and the school costs much more than Logan's UNLV education. Mariah offers to get another job, but Kody reminds her that her she has sixteen other siblings that they need to consider. Kody isn't willing to co-sign any loans because, you know, he wants to retire. Tell me again how you retire from not having a job? Mariah is devastated, and Meri tells Kody that they've been working on other scholarship options that he isn't aware of since he's been so M.I.A. lately. Wait, I thought this cul-de-sac compound was supposed to bring everyone closer….literally?
I'm just gonna say it – I'm over this crap. Yep, I just called Real Housewives of New Jersey "crap" so nana-nana-boo-boo. Look I'm as mature as the castmembers now!
So last night was part one of the so-called "epic" season finale. It was pretty much rehashing of last season's season finale except there will be actual fist fighting. So they took last season and made it more trashy! Lovely, Bravo. Really just lovely.
Before all that, we were rendered temporarily deaf by Melissa Gorga attempting to sing. While I was holding my head and cringing, Bravo threw Penny Karagiorgis, her Wal-mart extensions ripped off from a Barbie Halloween costume, and Teresa Giudice shrieking at each other in my face.
It's a miracle I did not spontaneously combust right here on my non-made-of-marble sofa while drinking my non-fabellini alcoholic beverage. Maybe next week…
Sorry, Tamra Barney, but Andy Cohen has a favorite housewife! Of course, it's Lisa Vanderpump, but I digress. NeNeLeakes is a close second, and she's remarrying ex-husband Gregg which is a story line made in Bravo heaven. It shouldn't come as a surprise that NeNe's wedding spin-off, I Dream Of NeNe, gets nearly a full season of episodes as opposed to a measly three.
To bring everyone up to speed as to why NeNe is re-marrying Gregg, NeNe must spend the first part of the show explaining why she "divorced his ass." Their fifteen year marriage, split, and rekindled romance is described in less than a minute. NeNe is getting adjusted to being back in Atlanta after an extended period of time in Los Angeles. She finds her original wedding program and dress, and NeNe and Gregg reminisce over their first walk down the aisle with their wedding video.
NeNe shares that forgiving Gregg's past behavior is a lot easier than forgetting it. She assures viewers that she wants everything to be different from the first go-round, and she isn't looking at this as a new wedding, but a new marriage. That's a plus! The couple spends time in Athens on their journey down memory lane, and they meet NeNe's aunt and godmother for lunch. NeNe's godmother reminds Gregg of a talk they had a year ago when he promised he'd get his family back.
Yea! It's OVER! How I've missed you, Jeff Collins. Lookatcha! He's got a fresh new hairstyle (not to mention new color) and a sleeker, hipper suit than in Dance Moms reunions past. He's also cracking jokes as he introduces Hurricane Abby Lee Miller. He begins the evening by showing the Christi/Leslie smack down on Burboun Street, and Abby admonishes them for the trash they are. It is no way to represent the Abby Lee Dance Company.
Original Extra CrispyChristi and Leslie come out to share their side of the brawl. Christi has a prepared speech where she takes responsibility for her actions while reminding everyone that Leslie has a history of violence. Leslie talks only about her loyalty to her daughters and Abby and how she wants to make a name for her girls in the entertainment industry. She doesn't understand why Christi is so threatened by her. Oh, she's making a name for her poor girls alright (and so is Christi!).
Katie's nervous about walking the runway in a wedding dress and – gasp! – lingerie. She feels self-conscious about her post-baby body and wonders if Joey Maes still finds her attractive. A friend tries to boost Katie's self-esteem, adding, "You're the mother of his child, I'm sure that's a thousand times sexier than just being his girlfriend."
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was all about mama drama. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team and go to an evil haunted mansion filled with the ghosts of friendship's (kitchen's) past. Or a Russian grocery store with the living embodiment of Julia Child's voice.
Things began last night with Lisa Hochstein's everlasting nightmare; an unpleasant reminder of the things we do for money… errrrr… I mean love. And boobs! Lisa's inlaws are in town and her mother-in-law, Marina, lives to torture her.
Marina doesn't appreciate Fembot's fully constructed fabulosity. If only she had read that instruction manual Lenny faxed over, but Marina doesn't do new-fangled. She also doesn't understand what exactly Fembot does. I mean she doesn't work and she just swans around advertising her son's reconstruction prowess. Was anyone else aware that Lenny was the best plastic surgeon in the world?!
Anyway, Lisa's other major drawback is that she doesn't cook and she's not Russian. Score 0 for the daughter-in-law from Canada! Among the many ways Marina tries to destroy Fembot is by force feeding her fried fish. The horror had Lisa needing Xanax and colonics for weeks. Fembot wonders if Marina will ever like her, but you can tell she really doesn't care! Nor does Marina for that matter, who still believes she runs the show. All shows. Maybe she should take over Bravo.
I bet y'all didn't think Bravo could effectively squish all of Tamra Barney and Eddie Judge's wedding insanity into three hours worth of Bravo fluff. Heck, if you're like me, you may be wondering how they managed to draw out Tamra's OC Wedding into three long episodes. Well, whatever your thoughts, I hope you soaked in all the Disney princess magic of last night's "limited series finale." I love what this network tries to make "a thing." Stop trying to make fetch happen, Bravo! Sorry, I thought a Mean Girls reference was the perfect wedding gift for Tamra, as she's the original Housewives version!
Tamra's poor wedding planner Diann Valentine is getting frustrated and freaked out by the bride-to-be. First of all, Tamra doesn't have the place settings finalized, and she informs Diann that her wedding dresses won't be delivered until the morning of the big day…which is in 72 hours. Tamra can't be bothered by Diann's worries because she's got an appointment at the Pretty Kitty to get her Britney waxed. She's a Brazilian virgin, y'all! I'm shocked! Accompanying Tamra on her big day are her mom and two gay friends. While her mom waits with a rented bridesmaid in the lobby, Ricky and Julius are in the waxing room helping contort Tamra's legs for the hair ripping festivities.
That evening, Tamra and Eddie's family and friends are gathering for an outdoor rehearsal dinner. True to form, Tamra's brother is in attendance with his Mason of moonshine. Heather Dubrow doesn't do "communal booze in a jar" but Terry and Vicki Gunvalson find it super tasty. Tamra corners her brother about a moonshine ban for the wedding day, and he reveals that they will be partying to celebrate her big day with Eddie. A tearful Kenny shares that Eddie brings out the best in Tamra, and she apologizes for torturing him during their childhood. After they hug and make amends, Vicki feels the need to make a teary toast which is thankfully interrupted by a drunken Terry's inappropriateness. "Tongue!" he cries as Vicki goes fawns over Tamra mere centimeters from her friend's face.