Things begin with a sauced up and (spray on hair'd up) Joe Gorga charging the brother-in-law who destroyed his life, Joe Giudice. These people are the living embodiment of a soap opera, only not as devious and calculating. Except for Melissa… So anyway, Poison charges at Juicy and unfortunately Juicy immediately drops him and begins punching him.
Poor Melissa Gorga leaps on top of Juicy to try and pry him away from her precious little husbanito. "Teresa, help your brother!" she screams.
Teresa Giudice is gonna help alright – girlfriend is grabbing her purse, hightailing it out of there, and telling the producers to call the cops. Fire up that party bus cause mama is fleeing the coop! Just kidding, a panicked Teresa bellows to someone to call the cops. Doesn't Juicy have enough felonies?! Do not call the cops, but do get the mace! Or at least some Fabellini to subdue these people.
Back inside fight club, it takes all of the remaining Gorgadice (and Wallpaper) family members to pry Juicy off of Poison. Or Poison off Juicy – I really couldn't tell who was up and who was down at that point, except Melissa, who was shrieking and scratching.
You know, I'd really been so sick of watching Candy Apples and comedian chatter that I was actually looking forward to having the old gang return on last night's Dance Moms…that was until I watched! I feel so horribly about how those poor girls are treated!
Abby Lee Miller is back in Pennsylvania, and she bragging all about judging Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition. She chastises all the girls–well, except for Maddie, of course–who didn't come visit her while in Los Angeles, and she reminds her students that she has the attendance rosters so she knows who was slacking off and who was actually practicing. Christi explains that the moms (minus Melissa, obviously) made a pact not to send their girls to the West Coast competition.
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the battle in the blizzard continued. Vicki Gunvalson tried her darndest to ice out Lauri Peterson after she accused her of threesomes and cheating, but Lauri refused to be silenced. Until Vicki said she'd be her friend again; then Lauri perked up like someone handed her a latte and an AmEx.
Could it be that she thinks Vicki accepting her is her gateway drug back onto RHOC? Let's hope not unless she gets that wonky lip fixed. One would think Lauri froze her face to a -28 degree ice wall instead of Tamra Barney!
Things begin with Tamra, Vicki, and their eye makeup meeting for a pre-dinner pow-wow. Vicki is still reeling from her confrontation on the slopes and it obviously clouded her judgment because she was wearing an adults Muppet costume with furry sleeves. She boasted that they're removable, which is a good thing cause she can take them off for dinner so they don't dredge in her food. Fashion meet function, baby!
It's time for another installment of everyone's favorite Peach State telenovela! Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta did not disappoint. I found love with the kind hearted Poppa J. who makes Stevie's grossness and disgusting misogynistic actions even more of a mystery to me.
Rasheeda comes to Mimi Faust's apartment to vent about husband Kirk Frost's behavior at the lake with Benzino. She reveals that, yes, she did tell Kirk to do him, so she can't be totally shocked by his trysts. Um, no. She told Kirk to do him, she didn't tell Kirk to do video vixens in a hot tub. A teary Rasheeda remembers the Kirk she met as a teenager and cries that she didn't get married to get divorced…especially pregnant with his child.
Lil' Scrappy decides to do the right thing and redo his pee test. Unfortunately, he's been smizz-ni-oking the marijuizzlefashizzle, and he's hoping the judge will be lenient with him. Scrap's attorney has also given him the name of a good drug counselor who can help him get to the bottom of why he needs to get high. One look at Momma Dee raving about how Erica Dixon is a farm animal in the pastures of her palace and I have his answer…free of charge.
This episode, Nicole is with her family in Sacramento. She regrets missing her father's last moments but looks forward to planning a celebration of life in his honor. Nicole spends quality time with her mother, reminiscing about past trips and looking through her father's high school yearbook. Nicole and her mother clearly have a special bond.
Meanwhile, Jessica talks to Mayte about her plan to adopt a baby girl, as it appears to have been a rash decision. Jessica rants about the challenges of being a single mother – can you pay for college, clothes, car? Do you know lunches are $20/day? Do you have help? Somebody has to help you!
Good lord last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was a rare and special breed of ridiculous, wasn't it? So the Gorgadice families went on some silly retreat to put their problems behind them and rebuild. Except it was more passive aggressive blaming and whining from everyone! Yay for something new and exciting.
Things begin over at Casa de Gorga, amid the crumbling faux marble and the collapsing gold-plate archways they are preparing for the big retreat. Melissa Gorga and Poison are doing their vacation dance ritual and getting into the groove by busting some J. Faux moves and encouraging their kids to dance. "Stripper in the house," Poison bellows as his three-year-old twerks, while daddy erratically humps and grinds the air. Yeah! Shake your moneymaker kids. Great parenting…
Antonia helps mommy pack and decides among the must haves are a bible and a stuffed unicorn. Makes sense, unicorns because it would be an absolutely fairy tale to imagine these families getting along. And a bible because you never know who may need an exorcism on a RHONJ trip. All signs point to Teresa!
It's never a dull moment with the girls of Princesses: Long Island. Last night there was more girl drama and PDA to go around, but thankfully the ladies refrained from drink throwing and ugly cry mode. They're really maturing, aren't they?
Joey Lauren, Amanda Bertoncini, andErica Gimbeldecide to go on a run, and I think it's time for Erica to invest in a sports bra. I'm also super curious as to what Amanda is wearing on her bottom half. The girls dish about Chanel Omari's bizarre behavior at Amanda's Drink Hanky party, and Joey questions Ashlee White's snobbery. She gets teary when she hears that Ashlee tried to get Erica and Amanda not to like her. While Amanda likes Ashlee, she knows her friend looks down on Joey for not coming from money. Erica and Amanda give Joey tips on how to compose a mature text to Ashlee to resolve their differences.
Meanwhile, Chanel is channeling her inner SJP circa Square Pegs and meeting with her rabbi in some very Mo Rocco shades. She needs his guidance after her breakdown at the white party. He basically tells her to suck it up and show restraint in the face of drink throwing asshats, although he's much more eloquent. When she expresses her fears over never marrying, he urges her to use Jewish history as inspiration to know that nothing is impossible. I may need to schedule a session with Rabbi Cohen.
Whether the newly coined Dance Moms Chatter needed another hour is irrelevant…we were treated to one last night nonetheless. Abby Lee Miller joins the stage with Jeff Collins, and all I can focus on is how far Jeff has come since his timid, uptight, conservative-suited self started this hosting gig. Look at him! He's wearing purple gingham, a skinny tie, a blazer and dark washed jeans. Dare I say he's even colored his hair? Go Jeff.
Abby waxes on and on about how she always knew she had a gift for costumes and choreography and telling stories through dance while giving up high school reunions and a social life and being kind for the sake of her students. Major sacrifices, y'all! A former Ugly Betty star and a Dance Moms blogger (who is clearly more loved by Lifetime than this girl) join Abby and Jeff, and we're treated to parental meltdowns from seasons past. They are really taking clips from the vault, aren't they?