Recaps

dance moms girls

I know y’all have mentioned it before, but what say we pool our resources and donate to Lifetime so Dance Moms can get a new introduction sans the mother and former dancers who are embroiled in a legal battle with Abby Lee Miller. Is that too much to ask? Of course it is, just like it’s too much to ask for Abby to be kind to her students. After victory at a very suspect competition (were there any other dancers there?), Abby is hoping to find a replacement for Maddie in the event Sia wants her star student for every other music video she ever makes.

Not surprisingly, Abby brings in another new dancer to go head-to-head with Chloe. Jade will be dancing with the ALDC this week. Chloe is at the bottom of the pyramid for placing second in the solo division. We all know second is first loser. Nia follows for being the fourth in the top five. MacKenzie is third because her budding pop star status doesn’t give her an excuse to have poor posture. Maddie is second because, woohoo, she was in a Sia video that has allowed her to perform on Ellen and has been interviewed for Seventeen magazine! Kendall is on the top of the pyramid for winning the junior solo division. 

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shannon learns that 10 apologies are never enough for heather

Last night was the season finale of The Real Housewives Of Orange County and everyone was ready to move forward. I mean after verbally decimating each other again. Or if you ask Heather Dubrow “pugilistically” arguing! Yes, the highlight of the episode was when Mrs. Perfect Always Right used her vocab word incorrectly!

The ladies are back from Bali and one person truly embraced the spirit of reincarnation to shed all the dead weight (did the fish eat it?): Shannon Beador! She’s a whole new woman – she and David are even sleeping in the same bed. Despite her issues with Tamra and Heather, Shannon wants to move forward (catchphrase of the night) so she’s attending Vicki Gunvalson‘s party with positive energy and no hard feelings. If only… if only feelings were likewise. 

Over at Tamra Barney‘s home for the grudge-holding, snarling biatches, she’s still spitting mad that she got called out. And ain’t nobody gonna escape her wrath! Tamra reveals that she took an earlier flight home to escape the girls and now she doesn’t want to go to Vicki’s party because Lizzie Rovsek is the devil in an ugly dress. In Tamra’s mind Lizzie is something from an R.L Stine’s Goosebumps novel (4th grade reading level!). She calls Heather, who is now totally team Tamra. Tamra has a million excuses for all the horrible things she has done and said – and how everyone else is worse; Tamra spins things more than my washing machine. But unlike my washer – the dirt isn’t coming out!

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love hip hop atl mimi nikko

Gracious, help me! Last night was the season finale of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, and I don’t even know where to start…so I’ll just start at the beginning. Benzino and Althea are picking out invitations for their upcoming nuptials. Geez, ‘Zino is hoping for an invite that plays music, a la Hallmark’s finest. He reminds viewers that this won’t be the most polished event that VH1 will have ever hosted. The-The is plagued with coming up with the guest list, especially since the big day is a week away. Benzino is concerned that he may not have a best man since he keeps taking shots at Joseline Hernandez on Twitter and Instagram in retaliation for her threats to Althea. Stevie J. isn’t too happy with his friend calling out the Puerto Rican princess for being a ho. Since when is Instagram for fighting? My newsfeed hasn’t gotten the memo…it’s all first day of school and people dumping ice over their heads!

Tammy Rivera and Waka Flocka Flame are dining and dishing over their future family. Tammy admits to going to the fertility clinic with Waka’s mom Deb, but he isn’t too keen on the idea of participating in the doctor’s recommended exercises. When she teases about pursuing other options, Waka begrudgingly gives in and agrees to go see the doctor to make sure his boys can still swim.  Across town. Mimi Faust goes to confront Nikko in the studio where he’s recording a song called–wait for it–Shower Rod. Wow. Nikko promises Mimi that he plans to get a divorce since his marriage bothers Mimi so much. She isn’t upset about the marriage anymore. Mimi is more concerned that Nikko may have leaked the tape and wanted to film her without her knowledge. This conversation isn’t going as Nikko planned. She cusses him every which way till Sunday before storming out of the studio.  I love that Mona is promoting Shower Rod as the show heads to commercial break.

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 Keeping Up with the Kardashians

On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner and Khloe Kardashian came to a boil over Kris’s lack of professionalism as a Momager. Kris and Kim Kardashian came to a boil over Kris constantly trying to hijack Kim’s wedding planning. We also got to meet Khloe’s new love interest Mr. French Montana and Lamar Odom made a very quick cameo.

Things begin with Kim and Kourtney Kardashian discussing Khloe’s new love interest – French Montana. Kourtney is perplexed at who he is and also who Khloe’s new posse is that she is being photographed out and about with. Apparently Khloe has a posse now? I guess that’s one of the perks that comes with dating French Montana? #RapperLife I think Kim’s a little jelly of all the attention Khloe is receiving. Kourtney finds it strange nobody has met him. Kim finds it strange that Khloe would ever date a guy who isn’t black. Kourtney compares Khloe’s secretive behavior to her previous relationship with Lamar. I guess Khloe tries to not scare off her romantic choices by introducing them to her family too soon. Instead she likes everyone to meet at her weddings instead. #NoTurningBackAtTheAltar The girls come to conclusion that Khloe is just a shady lady.

 Game Of Crowns - Season 1

This episode of Game of Crowns brought us back to the pageant-prep circuit. Leha Guilmette serves Lynne Diamante with a cold hard restraining order, Vanassa Sebastian gets a clean bill of health, and Lori-Ann Marchese convinces her husband that fitness and pageants are more important than having babies right now, thankyouverymuch. While we’ve barely recovered from Lynne’s 15th wedding a-la-gargoyle, onward and upward we must go, my friends!

Susanna Paliotta and Lynne are ready to be crowned as the next Mrs. Rhode Island U.S. and Mrs. Massachusetts U.S., respectively. These are the titles they won through the mail, according to Vanassa’s intel. Susanna shows up looking like she got caught in one of those toilet-paper wedding dresses that brides-to-be get at their showers, except it’s pink, while Lynne is wearing her best crushed velour. Susanna interviews that the Mrs. United States pageants are the Princeton of pageants. I’ll just let that sink in a moment. Lynne addresses the fact that she and Susanna DID mail in a fee and an application for the titles they are about to receive, so I guess Vanassa wasn’t off the mark on this one. The ceremonial crowning takes place in a wood-paneled back room of an IHOP and the audience consists of twelve hapless sad sacks who mean mug the ladies during the entire shebang. Princeton has really gone downhill as of late.

melissa gorga garbage truck with wings

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey competition for the most delusional Housewife continued. I was putting all my eggs in the Teresa Giudice basket, but at the last minute I realized Melissa Gorga and Nicole Napolitano give some stiff competition!

So Poison is in the garbage business. It’s not the type of garbage business you might think – like producing garbage songs for a wife who can’t sing or calling his sister garbage on national TV, but he actually bought some big garbage truck to recycle documents. Melissa wants to give the truck a makeover so it stands out and they get more attention for their business. Melissa suggests putting wings on the truck. And the slogan, “Going green gives you wings.” First of all, she stole that from RedBull. Second of all, I don’t know why she didn’t just glue some Melissa Gorga jewelry on it and blast “On Display” from the speakers while it cruises around town. Better yet, old J. Faux could dance on top of the truck! Third of all, what does the leasing agent from a car dealership have to do with Joe’s trash business?

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 kim-zolciak

On this week’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy, we open to nanny Lana prancing around the house listening to motivational recordings about how to love yourself.  Once she steps into the kitchen (aka the lion’s den), where the Biermanns are enjoying lunch, she is inundated with comments about how she needs to get her butt out there and start dating.  Lana is nervous because her last date didn’t go over so well with the guy taking his teeth out and all.  Dear lord, Kim Zolciak needs to get Lana on Instagram ASAP. 

Later that week, they are outside decorating her home for an intimate baby shower (consisting of Kim’s family and her staff, a little weird, but I’ll roll with it) for her dear friend, Jen.  They briefly flash pictures of Kim and Jen from back in the day and I hope Kim posts more of them on her Instagram/Twitter feed!  Kim attempts to convince Jen to get her placenta into pills to prevent PPD and it’s a tough sell for Jen.  However, when she finally delivers, she eats the placenta smoothie and yum!  She thinks it’s delish. Does this actually work?

 dbt2

On last night’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy, the Biermanns are back from Spring Break and hanging out in the kitchen discussing Ariana’s obsession with a shirtless Justin Bieber and Brielle quietly announces that she has cheerleading tryouts coming up.  Kroy Biermann practically spits out his Gatorade and calls her bluff.  Brielle is serious though you guys! She wants to spruce up her resume for college.  Forget debate team or serving food at a soup kitchen those are like soooo lame. Even Kim Zolciak eyeballs her like she is nuts. 

Lana, the nanny overhears this nonsense and immediately busts out splits, a la Joe Guidice style to everyone’s applause.  Newsflash, Brielle is as flexible as bamboo.  Brielle is screwed.  So screwed in fact, Kroy bets her 1,000 hours (did he say dollars? I hit rewind like 12 times and couldn’t tell if it was hours or dollars.  I’m sticking with hours.) of work as his assistant if she quits.  She agrees and game on!
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