There is nothing like the Shannon Thompson crew sporting tacky Christmas sweaters for yet another Here Comes Honey Boo Boo holiday special. It's a tad depressing to be watching all the Christmas preparations almost two months after the fact, but I am sure I will soon be thanking my lucky stars that I didn't spend my Christmas being sneezed on by any member of this family!
The episode begins with the June, Sugar Bear, Uncle Poodle and the girls decorating for Christmas and preparing for the crew's annual canned food and toy drive. I must commend them for their charity work. Last year, they were able to help 108 families in need, and this year June's goal is to raise $10,000 in donations. Sugar Bear is in charge of decorating the yard with countless light up plastic candy canes and nativity scenes, and I'm sure there will be some giant inflatable snow globes in the mix…a girl can dream at least. In the days leading up until Christmas, the family will spend their evenings standing in the overly decorated yard with Sugar Bear dressed up as Santa. Folks will come from miles around to see the debacle and donate items to the charity. They locate the plastic baby Jesus in the shed, but alas, his toes have been chewed off by some animal. I can barely get the phrase "forklift foot" out of my mouth before Chubbs steals my thunder.
Some of the decorations have seen better days, but June refuses to throw anything away. She attempts to fix a light-up white tree to no avail, declaring it the "Leaning Tree of Pisa." Alana shares that her mother is a hoarder and is also "bat poop crazy" when it comes to Christmas decorations. Hey, at least she said "poop," right? June is quite the handy woman with a roll of duct tape. Alana stays out of the way…singing a lullaby to the plastic baby Jesus before sneezing on him. I knew it was coming! I have to give it to June, she goes all out with the decorations, and she takes a lot of pride in their yard as it shows their Christmas spirit.
Do you see that look on Marcia Marchman's face? I imagine that's how I look while I'm watching Big Rich Atlanta. This show is honestly a nightmare to recap. The scenes do not flow, the editing is choppy, the personalities haven't been developed, the drama feels too forced, and the eye shadow gives me ulcers.
Don't get me wrong, I think Big Rich Atlanta is a lot of fun to watch, but it doesn't even compare toBig Rich Texas (yet) for me. Obviously, I find the issues I listed above to be annoying; however, I also cannot relate to the socialite way of life and Ashlee Wilson-Hawn makes me want to vomit. The physical feeling that I get when Ashlee is on my TV is super serious.
Oh, speaking of things that are super serious, Marcia wants daughter Meagan McBrayer to treat their new business venture a little more seriously. Meagan tells Marcia that she is seriously sick of hearing about how serious creating a traveling fashion boutique is because she's a serious shopper and that makes her a serious business woman. I can't even begin to makes sense of that. I love them nonetheless.
While Tweedlemom and Tweedledum are truck shopping, we learn Meagan seriously doesn't have any serious money to buy a truck. When Meagan asks her estranged dad to invest in her fashion truck business, he says no. I hope Meagan finds a way to make it happen. I want to see her further terrorize the streets and trees of Atlanta with her big truck.
It's day two of the special two day Bachelor event, and Sean Lowe and his nine bachelorettes – AshLee, Selma, Catherine, Desiree, Daniella, Lesley, Lindsay, Sarah, and Tierra – are in Canada. Day one of the special two day Bachelor event was a complete disaster – mostly thanks to Tierrable Tierra.
While the catty girl drama in Montana left Sean feeling uneasy about this amazing journey to find love, he's hoping to get back on track this week. You keep telling yourself that, Sean, and I'll keep admiring the stunning backdrop that is Canada. Lesley thinks Lake Louise screams romance. I'm pretty sure Lake Louise is actually screaming, "What did I do to deserve this mockery?"
Chris Harrison announces that there will be one group date, two one-on-one dates, and a rose up for grabs on each date. When the first date card arrives, the girls recap the season thus far, realizing that Catherine, Daniella, and Tierra have yet to have their own dates with Sean. The first date card is addressed to Catherine and reads "let's find our fairy tale ending."
On last night's Dance Moms, Abby Lee Miller was even more psychotic than ever in light of the return of Cathy and her Candy Apples. Cathy brought some breakdancers, Jill took Melissa's place as Abby's do-girl, and Christi…well, Christi reaches her boiling point in a way I would have never imagined.
Melissa is very nervous about the pyramid because she knows Abby is mad at her and livid over the fourth place finish. In fact, Abby swoops in and stares down the dancers, telling them she wants to take a long hard look at what fourth place looks like. ALDC hasn't seen fourth place in two decades. Someone start the violins, please. She is the one who is choreographing and teaching the dances. The entirety of the blame doesn't lie on a bunch of girls in elementary school. Or am I just crazy? Sometimes it's hard to tell…
The girls will be traveling to New Jersey for this week's competition. MacKenzie is at the bottom of the pyramid, and Abby yanks her from the group dance. A tearful Maddie joins her sister, and that has to be a blow given how she's used to being on top. I really wish Abby would stop punishing these girls for their mother's bad behavior. She rubs Maddie's nose in the fact that Chloe won at Nationals. Paige's alleged "laziness" puts her on the lowest rung as well along with Nia for just being "fine." Jill is estatic to see Kendall finally off the bottom, and Abby warns Kendall that she only needs to be worried when Abby no longer cares enough to criticize her dancing abilities. How sweet. Chloe is also in the middle for not following Abby's choreography in the way Abby envisioned it should be. Poor Brooke is the only one left, and Abby laughs at the thought that she's at the top of the pyramid. Just kidding! No one takes the top spot. Brooke will be in the group routine, and Kendall gets a solo called "Owe You Nothing." Abby reminds her and her mother that she owes them nada. Nia also gets a solo. Chloe is thrilled to get the final solo, and Maddie's face drops. The group number will have hats as props, and Abby warns that if anyone drops a hat, they will be off the team.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules we were treated to Stassi Schroeder's deployment of a new identity and further examples of her meteoritic dissension into crazy fameho of monstrous (monster being the operative word!) proportions.
Apparently no one at Sur ever leaves Sur. It's a vortex of incest or something and I am deeply concerned for the safety of their public restrooms. I would advise our poor Lisa Vanderpump to make STD tests mandatory among the staff. It is a matter of public health. Call the CDC, peeps! And get these souls on match.com – they need to date in the outside world!
So Stassi has left Jax Taylor for Frank. And Jax has a sit-down at the Barbie mansion-come-to-life known as Lisa's house to piteously cry about his egregious behavior in Vegas. For shame, these waxed and buffed specimens parading as menz took their shirts off and pretended to fight. That fighting was reminiscent of a New Kids On The Block video! And Jax still loooorves dear Stassi Staph Infection, but knows he must release her into the wilds.
So, we are in the midst of what may be the longest stint of Teen Mom 2 in the history of the world. Last night's "mid-season finale" was even ninety minutes long…because it takes a long time to bid farewell to Jenelle Evans, Leah Messer Calvert, Chelsea Houska, and Kailyn Lowry. Not that they will be gone for long…we'll be treated to a two-hour reunion special next Monday, and then another twelve episode arc starts the week afterwards. That's when the true crazy is going to begin!
Last night's episode begins with a phone call from Jeremy. Leah, shocked she got pregnant so quickly (must I remind her of her first date with Corey?), has yet to tell him the good news. Jeremy is also in disbelief that it happened so fast, but he's nervous and excited. Leah commends Jeremy on waiting until he was the ripe old age of twenty-three to have a child…not sixteen like she was.
Chelsea is taking Aubree to check out day cares in the event she passes her GED and gets to start "hair school." Man, she's even whiny when questioning the day care instructor! The director calms her fears regarding leaving Aubree for the first time and stresses the need for Aubree to socialize at this age. Chelsea smacks her gum in agreement.
Kailyn is prepping for Isaac's second birthday and spending a lot of time with Javi. Why are guys drawn to her blunt sarcasm? Javi wonders if he'll ever get out of the friend zone. Kailyn assures him that being invited to Isaac's party is a good sign. Meanwhile, Jo and his new girlfriend are discussing how well Jo and Kailyn have been co-parenting lately. They are, however, having separate parties for their son. Jo wants Kailyn to meet his girlfriend, and his girlfriend thinks that Kailyn would want to know who is hanging around her son. She offers to write Kailyn a letter to break the ice.
If I never hear Chris Harrison say special two day Bachelor event again… it will be too soon… seriously. Oh, by the way, have you heard about the special two day Bachelor event? It's an exciting and momentous event that serves as a kick off to the bachelorettes "worldwide journey to find love" with Sean Lowe.
This rip-roaring journey begins in Montana… where it's too cold for Sean to be half naked… how am I supposed to take this special two day Bachelor event seriously when Sean is wearing a shirt? I don't think I can. You've been warned.
So, Sean and his bachelorettes are off to Montana, where everyone wears flannel plaid and there will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date. Sean says, "I'm an outdoorsy type of guy, and I love to get out and camp or canoe, so Montana is definitely going to test some of the women."
Last night while watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I came to an important realization. I now understand why these women never eat and how they manage to stay so thin. If every time you sat down at a dinner table a massive fight broke out wouldn't you have dinner-induced trauma and be reduced to guzzling wine instead? They probably all go home and stuff microwaved popcorn in their faces while standing over the kitchen sink and ruminating about the days before they sold their souls to Bravo. But hey – at least those size 2s fit!
Yesterday's episode was more of the same. Same arguments, same players, same storyline, same snarky recapper wanting to hurl things at the screen. It started out OK, as it always seems to, but then quickly degenerated into the congealed, fetid remains of last night's dinner. Even Yolanda Foster was reduced to drinking tequila.
Most of the girls were in Vegas watching in awe as Brandi Glanville's legs twined around a stripper pole and slid gracefully to the floor. "Welcome to Night School For Girls!" she announced popping up with 3/4 of her boob also popping out. Splits Richards makes an important mental note to have Mauricio hypnotized into thinking Brandi is a revolting, wretched, shit-stirring drama queen again. He must not fall under her spell!