I’m running late today (as if that is not an affliction of everyday). I blame Kristen Doute. Or Jax Taylor – I truly vacillate between which one of the two is more whorerendous. See what I did there – it’s subtlety – which is something Vanderpump Rules is not known for. So let’s carry-on recapping this reunion.
Lots ‘o weird last night! Why Kristen’s makeup is suddenly making her look like a 48-year-old cougar? Perhaps it was sitting in the youthful glow of James Kennedy. Perhaps it was her dark soul emanating through her pores. You don’t believe me – it happened to Jax too. Take a look at season 1 Jax. Is that the same man you ask? I mean it could be… I wouldn’t put ‘zombie recreation Jax’ past the whodunits at Bravo.
Also, weird? Stassi Schroeder everything. So many unsaid things, so many allusions, so many not adding ups. We’re still dismantling the secrets of Tom 1 and Miami Girl; I don’t care – I want to know about the Super-Secret Life of Stassi Schroeder.
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop once again took a turn for the ratchet. We preheat with women falling all over men who don’t give two flips about them, mix in some horrific wig courtesy of Chrissy Monroe, and serve with a half-baked brawl at some random nightclub. Later, rinse, repeat!
Not surprisingly, Yandy Smith is still livid about Mendeecees’ false claim that their son was in the emergency room just to get her to answer the phone. That’s normal, right? She’s catching up with Kimbella (welcome back!) who I would never have recognized, and she shares that she has barely spoken to Mendeecees in the last week because she’s so mad. Kimbella is shocked to hear about Mendeecees’ stunt and Yandy’s subsequent fight with his assistant. However, Kimbella wonders if Mendeecees may have felt disrespected. Perhaps he’s owed an apology? Like Yandy, I am perplexed by Kimbella’s take on the situation.
She By SheBroke has re-branded herself as a “fitness coach,” – finally – but cannot recover from the heartbreak of Bob Whitfield‘s missing seven-figures, so she’s never moved on after their divorce. Instead Sheree hardened her exterior shell, along with her heart, and Patti dubs her a “crockpot woman,” because she’s so slow to warm up.
Nonetheless Sheree is relying on Patti to help her find that “instant connection.” The butterflies, the tingles, which Sheree says she’s never had. You mean Bob never gave her tingles?! No… “When I love, I love hard,” promises Sheree. And when she divorces, she divorces hard too… In fact, Sheree might as well come with a disclaimer: Court is my extracurricular activity! Paying bills… that’s your job!
Sadly, Sheree never even gets to the love stage, because she slams the door shut before anyone can peek inside.
Real Housewives Of Atlanta‘s “Chocolate Tales” have taken on Willy Wonkian-proportions. Apparently no one fact checked their golden ticket to drama before dipping a toe into the chocolate river. Are Housewives required the same due-diligence as researchers when regarding inner-personal matters of distorted rumors? Can one rely on Apollo for any sort of “evidence” – particularly in regards to “texes.” Never fear – Dr. NeNe Leakes has the cure!
According to Cynthia, she simply brought up the affair situation because they were having a group “conversation” and she wanted to know if it was true. If Phaedra is involved with Prince Chocolatier from the ChocAfrica, she should have just admitted it! Cause they would all be so accepting and supportive, uh-huh.
On last night’s Little Women: LA, New Orleans got hit with Hurricane Terra/Tonya/Traci/Christy and a little downpour of Elena/Briana. The ladies hope taking a trip to the Big Easy will help mend fences, but after a smooth start, tensions rise over a psychic reading that Briana Mason attends.
First, we pick up right where we left off: in the feral cat fight of Elena Gant’s housewarming party. Tonya Banks holds Terra Jole back while she threatens Christy McGinty with a restraining order while Christy screams that Terra is nuts. Finally, Elena throws Christy out of the house. Christy is sick of Terra’s bullying and name calling, but Terra cries afterward and says she’s just “backing Joe up.” I don’t think Joe, prince that he is, needs any backup. Blaming her emotions on the pregnancy, Terra whines that everyone should be more understanding of her “condition.” Traci Harrison bemoans the fact that she actually – gasp! – swore. Groan.
All season, the women of Mob Wives have been gearing up for one final brawl, and last night? Well, clearly VH1’s attorneys have added some air-tight anti-violence clauses to their contracts since mid-season. Was that the finale? I am so confused. There were no previews for next week, but there was also no resolution. I’m exhausted trying to keep up with the Natalies.
Big Ang is hosting Renee Graziano at her home, and both ladies are happy they are in a better place after their knock-down-drag-out regarding Renee’s comment amount Natalie Guercio and the coke laced dollar bill. Ang is happy to see that Renee seems committed to her positive streak. Both women find it strange that Drita D’avanzo didn’t attend Renee’s spiritual rebirth, and Ang admits she hasn’t heard a peep from the friend she usually talks to several times a day. Renee wants to focus on the good and she’s ready to throw a big party. She hopes all of the ladies will come and be on their best behavior…because that always happens with this crew. She’ll remind Karen Gravano to keep it classy. Of course, if original Natalie wants to confront Natalie DiDonato about their beef, Renee will kindly step aside so the Natalies can handle their business like cage fighters.
Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills things officially went to the dark side. Kim Richards lost her marbles in a cesspool of deflection, hysterics, and venomous rage. Don’t fear the reaper, or the coming of wrinkles, fear the KimKillah – who will bring the wrinkles and the emotional eating out in force!
Can I snark at the total break from reality I just witnessed? Eh – I’m going to, so don’t you worry your pretty little heads – or you may need Botox!
As soon as the ladies check into to their Amsterdam hotel they are met by the reassuring presence of Lisa Vanderpump and Eileen Davidson, walking into the unknown pit of Kingsleys. Lisa Rinna calls them “a lifeboat.” Sadly, they will prove to be as effective as the Titanic lifeboats.
Immediately Lipsa fills them in on the time Kim ruined her experience riding on the YoDa Aeronautic Private JetPlex and she was put off the two bites of artisinal crullers she was about to indulge in – only because she heard they were artfully glazed with a natural form of botox made from a very rare fish found only in the Nile River, deep in the Heart Of Darkness. “You know,” purred Yolanda Foster, “It’s the only way I ever consume sugar.”
Well, the ALDC had a good run in Los Angeles, but it wasn’t good enough for Abby Lee Miller (what is ever good enough for her?). On last night’s Dance Moms, the team, the catty moms and the dance teacher from hell returned to Pennsylvania to continue their unique brand of drama. Holly is still fired up about Abby’s treatment of Nia in regard to Aubry O’Day and the Matty B video, and she’s upset with her fellow mothers for supporting Abby even when she was being completely unreasonable. Jill is on edge as well for being the only mom on Team Abby. Y’all know I’m not counting Melissa on that team as that’s just who she is. Back at the ALDC studio, the moms are tense as MacKenzie shares that she’ll be singing live in New York City. At least someone’s children are benefiting from Abby’s stellar management skills!
At pyramid, Abby berates her team for not being ready for L.A. She only coaches winners. Maddie is exempt from criticism because she wasn’t in the fray of insanity as she was busy guest starring on Disney’s Austin and Ally. Jill interrupts to remind Abby of her loyalty and hopes that everyone (read: Kendall) will now be in Abby’s good graces to reap the rewards in a quest for stardom. At first, I think Abby is going along with Jill’s flattery, but she quickly retorts that Maddie is the breakout because of Maddie’s talent (I’ll give Abby that for sure!), not because of Abby’s management. It must be hard for her not to take credit. Brynn is missing because her brother has serious diabetes and needs to be monitored. As Kira relays this news, Abby barks that they aren’t here to rip on Brynn. Um, Kira was simply stating that some things take precedent over dance, right? Kira can be a pot stirrer, but I don’t think that was her intention in this instance.