"F*** me now, slave – or I'll spend more of your money on Versace china and wigs!"
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was a lesson in living large, but not necessarily in charge. We spent our last day in Casa de Eviction where the Zolciak-Biermann fam was unceremoniously tossed out, left to the mercies of a generic moving company and schlepping 17,000 square feet of wigs back to Big Poppa's condo. Le sigh. My how the delusions of grandeur have fallen.
Elsewhere Kenya Moore continued to rock crazy like it's a pair of Louboutins. I would say she wears it well, but she doesn't. Instead she comes off looking the girl in foolboutins. I think they sell them at Payless. BOGO bitches!
Things begin at Casa de Eviction, where Kim Zolciak, wig askew, is like freaking out. She's got a whole house to move and one day to do it and no one is helping her. So she storms around ranting and blaming the movers for everything. Sweetie is shockingly the voice of reason as she tries to steer Kim in the direction of focusing on the important things – packing her wigs and makeup. Apparently Sweetie wants to spare us a Kim sans her face.
It seems that Kody Brown has gotten some sort of hairstyle/hairdo/haircut situation since last week's Sister Wives premiere. His bowl-cut/mullet hybrid seems more tame. Is he not watching these old home videos of himself that we're forced to watch? He's actually not bad looking with shorter hair. I don't know if I'll ever get over his mane situation. Kody drones on and on about how many polygamists don't raise their children in such a public manner due to the stigma of the lifestyle. Of course Kody wants to be front and center with each of his bazillion kids so they realize how strong the family bond is.
Kody and his wives are heading to the high school for a parent(s)-teacher conference. Oddly enough, they opt for the mini-van instead of Kody's convertible. Strange. The first meeting is with Mariah's Spanish teacher. Mariah reminds us that she was inducted into the National Honor Society…last episode year. A little editing problem there, TLC? That would explain Kody's haircut. Anyhoo, the Spanish teacher is meeting with three of the kids moms. It's funny watching the wives pretend like they understand Spanish. Christine thinks that Senora Hess is hot. She would totally learn Spanish from her…and there is next season's story line–recruiting Senora Hess as the next wife.
Next, the women meet with the P.E. teacher. While she's only teaching Aspyn this year, she had many of the daughters last year. Aspyn likes to skip P.E. a lot, but she's making up the work to increase her grade. Christine allows Aspyn to skip school a lot because she's such a good student. That's good…it's totally like that in the work force too, so kudos to you Christine for preparing her for real life. Meri admits that Mariah often tries to skip citing Chistine's lax nature with Aspyn, but Meri won't stand for it. However, like Mariah, Aspyn also wants to be in a plural marriage like her parents.
Last week onTop Chef Seattle, the cheftestants' challenges revolved around regional ingredients. The episode was very fishy. Seattle chef Tom Douglas joined the judges' table inside the Space Needle.
Three past Top Chef competitors, Josie Smith-Malave (season 2), C.J. Jacobsen (season 3), and Stefan Richter (season 5), joined the competition. Sadly, Jeffrey Jew failed to impress the judges and was eliminated.
The challenge: Create an authentic international dumpling. Working individually, each contestant must pick a country (Africa? It's a loose interpretation of "country," I guess), and then make the dough-wrapped ball of food associated with that country. Padma Lakshmi tells the chefs that they will be gifted five minutes with a Kindle Fire, the Top Chef product of the week, to research their dumpling.
Dana Cowin, Editor-in-chief of Food & Wine Magazine, will judge the challenge. Dana explains that she will look to see how each chef handles a wrapper, stuffing, and sauce, adding that she has eaten her weight in dumplings. No pressure, but she knows her dumplings.
Last night's Flipping Out continued the insanity with Jeff Lewis, Jenni Pulos, Gage Edward, Zoila Chavez, and crazy Andrew. Actually though, the episode was really sad. It seems to be the downfall of Jenni and Jeff's friendship, which of course would mean the demise of their long-time working relationship. There is jealousy and deception from both sides, and if it continues, it's easy to see why it was so easy for Jeff to slap Jenni with that lawsuit. It was actually kind of heartbreaking to watch.
Right off the bat, Zoila announces her fake pregnancy while Jenni's alter ego Deb calls Eddie the carpenter. She's hilarious. Just start with the craziness…do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Poor Eddie is stuck coaching t-ball while getting hazed by Deb. Jeff loves that Jenni doesn't care at all about what people think of her. Jenni and Jeff head out to their project. Jeff is surprised to learn that Jenni wants to start trying to get pregnant immediately. She gives us a quick lesson on how to make a baby. Jeff isn't ready for a Jenni pregnancy. He still hasn't recovered from Jenni's wedding. They arrive at Jeanne's house, and poor Jenni plays a prank on her husband Tommy Shaw, front man of Styx. Jeff feels like he's doing a lot of free consultations for Jeanne to repay Tommy for singing for free at Jenni's wedding. Jeanne hasn't asked for the extra perks, but Jeff feels guilty that Jenni took advantage of their clients. Jeff tries his hardest to convince Jeanne that she needs to do further renovations to increase their property value.
Jenni, Jeff, and Vanina are discussing Jeff's new paint line. He and Gage are partnering with paint company Dunn-Edwards. Jenni hopes he'll name a color after her and call it Cougar. The rest of the names they come up with I would blush if I had to type here. DTF is the tamest of them all. At Spring Oak, Gage and Jeff are awaiting a representative from Dunn-Edwards to come meet with them about the line. Gage is hoping that the paint will be a new form of revenue that will free up Jeff to start thinking about starting a family. Jenni is all dolled up for the meeting, and both she and Gage are hoping Jeff won't make things uncomfortable for the rep with his inappropriate humor. The group toasts the deal, and Jeff starts in on paint names. Gage is freaking out about the names, as he should be.
Last night's Teen Mom 2 brought tears, tears, and more tears. Leah Messer finds that a reconciliation is not in the cards, while Jenelle Evans continues to screw up her life one failed drug test at a time. Kailyn Lowry can't understand why Jo Rivera is playing her. It's totally different than when she did it to him! Finally, poor Chelsea Houska. I think all that bleach has permanently affected her brain and her judgment. Who am I kidding? I am giving her hair dye far too much credit!
We begin the episode with Leah. She's upset that estranged husband Corey Simms doesn't want to try to salvage their relationship. She only cheated once, so what is the big deal? Their twins are precious, but they are even cuter when they are biting their mom. Leah receives an e-mail from her attorney about a settlement agreement. Also not wanting to reconcile is Jo with his ex Kailyn. Kailyn is sad that Jo has moved on with his own video vixen, but at least her bestie is home from college to keep her company. She tells her friend about her love triangle with Jo and Jordan, as well as her non-existent relationship with her mom. It's been five months since the pair has talked, so Kailyn calls her. After being sent to her mother's voicemail, Kailyn has Isaac leave a giggling message of nonsense before she talks. She doubts she'll get a call in return.
Chelsea is thinking about quitting her job at the tanning bed. I don't think she's thought this through. How is she going to maintain that natural orange glow throughout the winter months? I am also confused as to what kind of headdress she is sporting. Oh wait, that's her actual hair. WTH? Doesn't she want to go to beauty school? Who would let her color their hair after seeing what she does to her own? Chelsea and Adam Lind are hot and heavy again, despite Chelsea's best efforts to take things slow. Bwahahahaha! Adam arrives, and Chelsea begins the requisite baby talk we've all grown to loathe. With her twentieth birthday being the following day, Chelsea requests her gift from Adam. It's a promise ring. He promises not to be as much of a d-bag as in season's past. It's a start. Baby Aubree bursts into tears at her mother's excitement. Smart kid!
Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we were treated to a feast of crazy. Newbie Yolanda Foster tells us her biggest problem in life is having too many lemons about her house (she has an orchard of lemon trees), and after last night's dinner party I think that very well may be the case. Sometimes friendships go sour, and sometimes sour grapes ruin a friendship before it even begins.
Things begin with Kim Richards getting her youngest daughter Kimberly ready for prom. Kim is breathless with anxiety and is taking out her stress by molesting a vat of chicken salad for 100 while Kimberly gets her hair done. Kim comes out with this bowl that weighs as much as she does and sets it down in the middle of some banquet feast saying she just wants everything to be perfect.
It was literally the chicken salad that ate Kim Richards and she was running her fingers through it, caressing it, just praying on this chicken mess that everything would go perfectly.
Kimberly's boyfriend shows up and he's 20 to her 16. What?! Maybe they should stay home and eat chicken salad. How exactly did this man meet this teenager and who exactly is condoning this? Well, besides Bravo and Kim, obviously. I'll try not to judge… I have to say I cannot get over how gorgeous Kimberly is and how much she looks like a young Kim.
This November, I am thankful for Basketball Wives: LA. Seriously. They make me feel a wee bit better about my life. I may not have money or reality fame, but at least I've got great friends and family and don't look like a fool week after week for the whole world to see. That is definitely something for which to give thanks!
Once again, last night's episode was the Jackie Christie show, and I have to wonder why she doesn't just get a spin-off already! Fortunately for the viewers, the ladies seem to have veered from their whole meet for lunch/drinks/dinner/canyon/walks/cat fights premise. Sorry, I couldn't even type that with a straight face. We begin with Jackie meeting Gloria Govan for lunch to discuss Laura Govan's recent behavior. Jackie needs to get her personal life sorted out so the drama doesn't interfere with the most important thing in her life–her daugters New York Fashion Week. I am still shocked that she has a show. Are we sure this is New York City Fashion Week? In Manhattan? Perhaps it could be New York Missouri Proper Fashion Week? Jackie reveals that Malaysia Pargo will be walking in her show, and she had planned to ask Draya Michele as well. Gloria is confused. Doesn't Jackie hate Draya? Gloria is too involved in her webisodes. Jackie decides to vent about Laura to her sister, and Gloria totally flakes. Jackie knows Gloria is the mouthpiece for the group, but she hopes Gloria will be nice when she sees Jackie's clothing line.
Malaysia and Bambi are returning to volunteer with Educated Ballers. They have two high school girls they are going to mentor. Well, this is a refreshing change if we have to see a "meet up" with the women. Malaysia wonders if the girls would like to work in fashion. One girl would like to be a social worker while the other would like to work in a correctional facility. They are going to be roommates when college starts in the fall. I must say that both Bambi and Malaysia are good at talking to the girls without talking down to them. Malaysia is inspired. She wants their next vacation to be a volunteer endeavor, like building houses in New Orleans.
Following the party, if Leslie's face could show emotion, she would look bewildered. Leslie doesn't understand why Kalyn got so upset with her mother. Just a guess… perhaps because they're two manipulative drama queens fighting for attention. Kalyn tells Leslie that she got too heated and cannot even remember what set her off, adding, "Everything was just rushing through my head, like all the crap she pulls, and I just went off. I lost it. I couldn't handle it anymore."
Leslie stresses that people can change. Leslie blows my mind with, "Now that you're an adult and you've been baptized, you're looking and viewing life differently." Being baptized does not instantly make one an adult… and, for crying out loud, Kalyn's hair is practically still wet. When did she have time to change her outlook on life? Leslie urges Kalyn to give Terry a chance. Kalyn says the mere thought is exhausting.
Next, DeAynni Hatley brings 15-year-old Shaye to the Big Rich Texas plastic surgeon for Botox. I'll let you digest that statement for a moment and meet you in the next paragraph.