Finally, The Bachelorette puts the viewer’s need for travel porn above Emily Maynard’s need to keep her daughter Ricki close to home. We’re off to Bermuda! I hope beautiful sandy beaches mean beautiful shirtless men.
The first date card goes to Doug Clerget. It reads, “Let our senses lead the way.” Doug remembers there’s a rose on the one-on-one dates. The guys talk about how much it would suck to come all the way to Bermuda only to have to go right back home. They’re right, that would suck, but probably not as much as a lifetime with Emily.
I know, I know, America’s sweetheart, search for true love, and all that jazz. Let’s just agree to compare notes come mid-July. This season is going to be a smashing success of a love story just to spite me, isn’t it?
Nobody goes on Bachelor Pad to fall in love and meet their soul mate. Nope, they show up to win money. Well sometimes things don’t go as planned, because this Saturday Bachelor Pad alums Holly Durst and Blake Julian tied the knot!
The couple said “I do” in front of 115 guests at the The Cliffs country club in South Carolina. Holly wore an Alfred Angelo gown, which according to Us Weekly featured: “A dramatic sweetheart neckline, draped bodice (which she customized with a sash), tufted skirt and a sweep train.”
“I couldn’t be happier with my Alfred Angelo wedding dress! It was really hard to choose because there were so many beautiful choices, but I knew I found my dream dress the moment I put it on!,” Holly gushed.
It’s your daily dose of Bachelorette with a heaping side of Harrison…add some Bachelor Pad for dessert sprinkled with just the right amount of hook ups, implants, and shame. Let’s dig in, shall we?
The always lovely and good-natured Chris Harrison, host of all three train wrecks love quests, opened up to The Huffington Post about his favorite couples through the years. He reveals, “Trista and Ryan [Sutter] were just lightning in a bottle. I don’t know if we’ll ever capture anything like that again. That one will always stand out.” The couple was the first of the franchise to actually wed (on television, of course), and now they have two children together.
Another of Chris’ favorite love birds were our current Bachelorette Emily Maynard and two-time BachelorBrad Womack. He tells the site, “I felt like the two of them were meant to be and it was gonna work. When they broke up, I was really sad.” Well, you certainly know if you’re tuning into this season that Em has stolen Chris Harrison’s heart along with those of her suitors.
“Everybody’s had this appetite for her,” Chris continues. “She’s so contagious. You just want to care for her, you want to root for her, you want her to do well, and that really makes for a perfect Bachelorette. When her name came up [to be the next Bachelorette], we started bantering about and it was a unanimous home run. It’s very rare that it’s unanimous.”
Emily Maynard finally interacts with the “dro” twins, Alejandro and Allesandro, on episode 3 of The Bachelorette. One was definitely worth the wait. In fact, if I get my way, the star of The Bachelor season 17 was born tonight. More on that later. First, we must pick through the drab to get to the awesome.
Speaking of drab, my Tupperware has more personality than Emily Maynard does. You know what I mean, those bowls that have red sauce forever microwaved into their souls and lids that come out of the dishwasher melted and deformed. Emily did show some more spunk this week; however, she has hardly any inflection in her voice and that makes it hard to care about what she has to say. And, I’m not sure how much of it is real “spunk” and how much of it is “entitled princess.” Tupperware = oozing personality. Emily = mostly dispensing “golly” and “y’all,” hair smoothing, and teeth licking.
Last week, yet another cycle of the ABC-sponsored divorce competition The Bachelorette premiered, this time with Emily Maynard, the former fiancee of 2011 Bachleor, Brad Womack. Brad claims he wasn’t one of the thousands watching and snarking on Emily’s quest for love amongst people who desperately want to be on television, but I’m doubtful.
In an interview with local channel ABC 13, Brad says, “All I’ll say is she is a helluva woman and I hope it works out. I have no interest [in watching].” Maybe Brad prefers DVR or reading the live tweets of the show. I just have a hard time believing anyone wouldn’t watch a television show featuring their ex, especially one he broke up with so relatively recently. Just admit it, Brad!
Before Emily Maynard starts her dates this week on ABC’s The Bachelorette, she meets up with friends and family at the park. It’s very important, apparently, for Emily and ABC to remind us that she’s just an average single mom living in Charlotte. At the park, the carpool efforts responsible for getting little Ricki to soccer practice are discussed. The chat is nothing short of fascinating. Eh, I’m lying. The entire segment just reminds me how incredibly dull Emily is.
Next, Chris Harrison explains the dating process to the 19 remaining men. This week, there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates. There is a rose up for grabs on each date. Chris leaves the men with the first date card. Bobble head Chris wants to see his name on that card. There’s suspenseful music. The date goes to Runs with Dog Ryan. The card reads, “Be my King in Queen City.” Kalon is annoyed. Chris is disappointed.
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“I think Emily is adorable, and I think she’s going to do a great job. I hope she finds love. I don’t know her personally but I think she’s the cutest thing in the world.”
Holly strongly believes in finding love on reality TV, since she’s set to marry her Bachelor Pad co-star Blake Julian next month. She tells Rumor Fix: “I found love on the show, and I believe in the whole system. No matter who you end up with, know it was your choice and no one else’s. Love that man with all that you are and you will truly find your happiness! Good Luck.”
The eighth season of The Bachelorette vows to be unlike any other. The famewhore making the decisions this season is Emily Maynard. America’s sweetheart, America’s famewhore, same difference. You probably remember Emily from Brad Womack’s second season. Brad’s the frequent-flyer bachelor who handed out roses in both seasons 11 and 15 of The Bachelor. His second attempt at true love ended with him proposing to Emily. Emily accepted Brad’s proposal, but her ridiculously high expectations and naiveté quickly wilted the relationship.
Emily is a single mom. And, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but she was engaged once before Brad. She was engaged to Ricky Hendrick, of NASCAR fame, in 2004. Sadly, on a rainy Sunday afternoon in October of the same year, Ricky boarded a plane sans an ill-feeling Emily. The plane crashed, leaving behind a pregnant Emily. Now, Emily is a single mom looking for true love on The Bachelorette. Even though it didn’t work for her the first time around, she “knows the series works.” Because, you know, that 17% success rate is a great testament of the true love that comes from appearing on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. I’m obviously grading on a curve, here. I’m including Trista Sutter, Jason Mesnick, by way of U-turn, Ashley Hebert, and Ben Flajnik, who is still collecting money on the deal.