Jax Taylor started rumors about his friend Tom Schwartz cheating on his girlfriend, but now he’s annoyed that no one understands he was trying to help. He just wants Tom 2 to be happy, and to be free, and single and he knows that poor Tom 2 gets anxiety and doesn’t have the manly parts to breakup with Katie Maloney on his own!
But Jax has another reason for spilling rumors – he’s totally tired of being the only person on Vanderpump Rules called out for cheating. You guys, he’s not the only villain on this show and it’s high time we all know the truth. When the word “truth” is used in the same sentence as Jax’s name, does some thing explode out there in the universe that none of us can see?
“It’s so great that finally other people are cheating. It’s not just me anymore! I’m always this villain — but everything that I’ve done, they’ve all done,” Jax gloats.
The cast of Vanderpump Rules causes major drama and brings big ratings for Bravo, but they are apparently NOT paid accordingly!
According to insiders the cast made a measly $5,000 for the entire first season, but when it turned out to be an unexpected ratings hit for the network, Bravo upped their salaries – but not nearly on a level with say, Real Housewives.
Now both Kristen and Scheana exonerate themselves from involvement. Kritter says say Jax is lying. But of course! And Scheana says Kritter is lying. But of course!
In retrospect, Kristen says she should have “blocked” the information about Katie “motorboating” from Jax and Scheana, but you know – gossip, drama, scandal, camera time, attention: OMG Kristen neeeeeds it! “In hindsight, those two gossip queens probably teamed up to create the rumor together,” Kritter asserts, as she accuses Scheana of then “backpedaling” when she was caught in the middle of rumor-mongering.
Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And in that restaurant she had a bartender. Who would cheat cheat here. And would cheat cheat there. Here a cheater, there a cheater. Everywhere a cheater cheating. Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And such is the tale of Vanderpump Rules.
Last night the rampant epidemic of cheating that spread through SUR claimed another victim: Tom Schwartz. While Katie Maloney was busy “motorboating a d–k,” Tom 2 was making out with some girls and possibly having sex with others. In the middle of it all was Jax Taylor, erstwhile on a struggle for people to recognize his true nature as a gentle giant, an angel hellbent on protecting those he loves, a man who cries at the injustices of his friends being in relationships with toxic girls. Why does no one understand him?!
In other news Lisa is hosting a Gay Mayors party at PUMP and needs Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 (temporarily re-hired, but remanded to bring paper bags in case of panic attacks) to “Tray Pass” – i.e. hold catering trays of food and wander around. Tom 1 and Jax are pissed – that’s such an insult! That’s the lowest echelon of bar tending – they have standards, y’all!
“I cannot imagine my life without Ariana,” Tom 1 gushed. “It’s just explosive happiness for me on a daily basis.” I imagine degrading hell on daily basis was how he defined his previous relationship to Kristen Doute.
Tom 1 reveals that he and Ariana have discussed marriage and it’s a strong possibility for the couple who has been together about a year. Somewhere Kristen is impaling herself on a curling iron or a stiletto heel. You know she’ll crash that wedding!
On Vanderpump Rules last night Jax Taylor decided that, for once, he was gonna work the rumor-mill to his favor, and play a game of telephone with the story of Katie Maloney “motorboating the crotch region of a gentleman.” Yes, I just typed that. And yes, that is a direct quote. And yes, we will be using that phrase many more times through this recap. You’ve been warned!
Jax is recovering from his nose job, and as he deals with the debilitating pain of a deviated septum he realizes there’s been just one person who hasn’t reached out, who hasn’t checked in on his recovery: Katie. He broods over muddled ginger at the SUR bar, and every time he feels the bandage tape creating friction across his oily pores, his anger increases just a little bit: it goes from beer, to wine, to whiskey, finally distilling into pure moonshine. And then he snaps: how dare she! How dare Katie not only ignore him in his time of need, but how dare she choose Stassi Schroeder‘s side over his. And even worse, how dare she attempt to keep Tom 2 away from him, dammit! Besides, Tom 2 wants to be away from Katie – not Jax.