I just can't figure out what's going on with Real Housewives of Miami. It's like in a desperate bid to be as good as all the other shows, they scrambled to switch everything up – giving me no sense of security here.
On top of that, I think I'm Weddings by Bravo'd out. I mean on top of Tamra Barney and NeNe Leakes' big spinoffs we're now inundated with Adriana de Moura and Joanna Krupa planning weddings and bickering about weddings and out-weddings each other and weddings, weddings, weddings… Maybe we can just pull a Sister Wives, lump all the Bravo brides together, and throw them with one man. I nominate Andy Cohen to be tied to these broads for life. Payback's a bitch!
So last night Joanna and Romain Zago had the big talk. You know, the prenup one. In a pseudo intimate moment in which Joanna's minimalist makeup was applied to perfection, they had breakfast in bed and argued, over freshly cut fruit, that Romain was going into wedding planning by planning his divorce. Um… he's agreeing to marry JOANNA.
It seems Melissa Gorga changes her stories faster than she changes her lipgloss. I mean, one minute Jan is her BFF and they were in each other's weddings and the cheating allegation is the ultimate betrayal. And in the next minute, like in her recent blog, they were only friends for like a hot second 300 years ago.
So that means one of two things: Melissa didn't have any real-real friends to stack her bridal party with or she's lying about the nature of her relationship with Jan! Whatever the case, like all things Real Housewives of New Jersey, it doesn't add up!
According to our source Melissa is intent on continuing the "victim act" at all costs. "She just wants to blame Teresafor everything," our source tells us exclusively. "Melissa really needs a story line." What – you mean writing a marriage bible and staging a J. Faux pop star career isn't enough?! <gasp>
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This is going to be good, y'all! The mean girls are back with tagalong Suzie Ketcham trailing not far behind. It will be interesting to see if Evelyn Lozada, Shaunie O'Neal, and Tami Roman can keep their promise to keep tempers in check. Newbie Tasha Marbury is also going to be thrown into the craziness, but not this week. Of course, first VH1 needs to explain away Ev & Ocho.
A bittersweet melody plays as we're treated to a photo montage of Evelyn and Chad Johnson's wedding peppered with redacted police reports and Chad's mugshot. A somber Evelyn tells of her brother-in-law's death two days after she learned of Chad's cheating and the subsequent head butt that left her with several stitches in her forehead. She feels like people blamed her for ruining Chad's career. Is this Basketball Wives or the lead in for a 20/20 special?
I dunno what you call that sort of cry where no liquid emanates? I mean is it all the botox? At the very least I would expect wine to come out 'cause all they consume is wine. Well, that and bulls#*!.
So much happened last night – where to begin…
Well, let's all get this out of the way: Alexis Bellino talked about JIM BLOB's man part. It was the most awkward 2 minutes of television ever! She tripped and stumbled over a forced non sequitur about how he wears a size 14 shoe if you know what she's saying… EW! So that's how things started and if you can believe it they went downhill from there!
Sean told a L.A. County Superior Court judge that GG has been stalking him and threatened his family, career, and sexuality, also pointing out, "GG has an abundance of knives that she carries with her, including illegal knives."
I feel like Real Housewives of New Jersey'sTeresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga should just give up on pretending they want a better relationship. They don't. These two should just throw in the towel, cut their losses, and remain civil for the sake of their children. The sisters-in-law and their whole "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" mentality is wearing thin on this gal.
In her Bravo blog, Melissa addresses that awkward evening at Teresa's launch party with acquaintances Penny and Jan (the same random chick off the street that was a bridesmaid in Melissa's wedding). Those women certainly aren't her friends!
Melissa begins, "Well, that was a bizarre and confusing night. I’m sure you are just as dizzy as I am. Teresa and I had already talked about the rumors and she told me to just 'ignore it.' So I was surprised when she called and suggested that her launch party would be the 'perfect time' to confront the people that have been spreading these lies about me."
If you've been watching Mob Wives since its inception, you know it wasn't always Big Ang and spa days and break-downs. The ladies used to be scary violent until they realized what an atrocious example they were setting for their kids. Now, even with underlying tension, they're relatively tame. Even the sharp-tongued threats of Ramona Rizzo have been soothed with the sweet feelings of true love, even if that love has to be expressed via telephone while staring into her lover's eyes through a sheet of plate glass. Le sigh…and more on that in a bit!
I guess VH1 was getting bored with the lack of drama and feuding because the network is mixing it up with new cast member Alicia DiMichele Garafola…and she and Karen Gravano are not going to see eye-to-eye. Why, you ask? Oh just a little thing called "Karen's dad admitted he put a hit out on Alicia's father-in-law at the command of John Gotti." No biggie.
GG repeatedly gushed about how "perfect" Sean was earlier this year. At the Bravo Upfronts in May, GG boldly stated, "I’m hoping by the end of this year to be pregnant and ready to get married to him." What went wrong? According to GG, Sean cheated!