"Seriously, Honey Boo Boo is the decay of Western civilization. Just because so many people watch the show doesn't mean it's good. So many people witness atrocities and can't take their eyes away from them, but that doesn't mean they're good. That show is literally The. Worst. Thing. That's. Ever. Happened."
"It's complete f–king ignorance and the most despicable way to treat your kids. F–k those people. You can put that in the magazine: F–k those idiots. They're just the worst. Sorry, I'm so sensitive to that — like, I don't know, man, it's upsetting. Just to clarify, I said, 'F–k those people!'"
Reza Farahan opens season two, gushing about the new girl in his life. She doesn't straighten her hair, she doesn't pluck her eyebrows, she's not hung up on designers clothes… she's GGAsa Soltan Rahmati. Hanging at Asa's reclaimed home, the two bond over floors, unkempt eyebrows, and one very special toilet. Reza spies the work of art, freaks, and says, "This bitch has, like, a $4,000 toilet. That toilet had a little midget in it that will lick your butt clean when you're done pooping."
Asa is stressed about money. She has $500 in her bank account and needs to find a source of income in the next few days. This admission comes not even a minute after she boasts about tiling her floors in $30,000 worth of gold coins, which she probably washes with diamond water. Rich/not rich people are confusing.
MJ Javiddrives her mom and her Mom's bird off a cliff to the bird sitter's house. After hearing about Vida's upcoming month-long vacation (hence the bird sitter), MJ approaches the idea of a family vacation. Vida tells MJ that she'd rather put needles into her eyes than go on vacation with her. Lovely. To retaliate, MJ encourages her dog to terrorize her mom's bird. Personally, I would have pulled over, while purposely failing to signal, and dumped the mom and her stupid bird on the side of the road.
As theJersey Shore's end draws near, one of its former cast members is making a last-ditch effort to remain relevant. Jersey quitter Angelina Pivarnick is desperately looking for a high profile attorney to help her sue MTV.
A source tells TMZ that Angelina is fuming over the way MTV edits her appearances on the show. She feels that they are making her look bad on purpose and that MTV humiliated her by rejecting her request to help with the Restore the Shore special.
Angelina reached out to Gloria Allred, attorney to the f-listers who normally leaps at the chance to rep famous clients and hold press conferences. (But doesn't seem to ever do much in court?) Gloria shot down Angelina's request for representation, saying Angelina's not famous enoughand she doesn't do charity work she's just too busy at the moment.
Oh, Sister Wives! Thank you so much for introducing me to the Dargers. TLC, what do you say about a Darger spin-off? Kody Brown would be livid!
We started last night with Kody going over plans for each of the four homes. How are these people affording these homes? The wives, except Janelle, are all getting totally greedy with their need for extra bedrooms and wet bars and offices. I am predicting this season doesn't end well for the Browns.
After squaring away the blueprints, the family can look forward to their family vacation with some polygamist friends…because that's normal! The Dargers aren't the same faith as the Browns. Instead they are "independent polygamists" which must be some kind of code for dude who wanted to marry more than one lady. Joe Darger married two women, Alina and Vicki, on the same day, one of whom looked to be about fourteen at the time, and then ten years later married Val who is Vicki's twin sister. Talk about sharing everything! I'm more than a tad skeezed out because not only will they actually be SISTER wives, the kids will be sibling-cousin hybrids…and among the three of them, there are twenty-three children. The double marriage was arranged by Joe's mom. Lovely.
So last night Real Housewives of Atlanta was filled with Wig People Problems. Oh, wigs were disappearing and telling tall tales and making excuses and dealing with dog poop and storming out and doing some math wrong and disappearing. There were wignanigans all over the place.
And luckily NeNe Leakes was on hand to provide riotous commentary on every last wigantic. And she finally got to use her Wig Be Gone (sold separately, includes S&H) – and poof! Kim Zolciak, her wig collection, and her stories that change as often as said wigs fled in the wake of a Housewives revolt. And we bid her adieu. Will we miss her? Sure. I mean, she is a snark lovers dream!
Other things happened last night, Kenya Moore's crazy got even MORE crazy as she turned her attentions towards another lady's man. Cynthia Bailey tried to pretend that going on vacation with all the ladies of the RHOA was her dream come true. Yeah, but instead of speaker phone invites (the classic!) we got sit down personalized invites.
I feel like there is a giant math equation regarding how much gossip we hear about the show in proportion to the ratio of time a housewives franchise has been on the air divided by the amount of certified crazies in the cast and then taken to the third power of the square root of how many on-air divorces occur multiplied by the number of husbands we think could potentially be cheating. It's like E=MC² up in here!
Given all of those mathematical conundrums, it only makes sense we'd be hearing a lot the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills at the moment. We've got the crazies, we've got the divorces, and I have some suspicions about some of those husbands! First up, we've got Brandi Glanville engaging in yet another Twitter war with home wrecker (don't sue me!) LeAnn Rimes and more news on the Adrienne Maloof front.