Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is brought you by Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors." And it also confirmed two things I've long suspected: 1) Househusbands are like fleas when it comes to the series; unwelcome guests that just annoy the hell out of us and should stay home (I'm looking at you, Mauricio "Maurice" Umansky) and 2) One should never, ever, ever attend a party thrown by SplitsRichards. Lets just all stick to parties at Yolanda Foster's from now on. I mean, Babs might attend!
Things begin with Scheana Marie Famewhore putting on her best "I feel so sad and ashamed" face that she's been practicing in the mirror for weeks in anticipation of her big ol' TV debut. Unfortunately Scheana feels about as bad about squashing Brandi Glanville's marriage as she did squashing the spider she found in her bathroom last week.
Brandi, on the other hand, is still totally not over Douche King Eddie Cibrian and she narrows her eyes looks right at Scheana and hisses that he's probably cheating on ol' crazy noodles LeAnn Rimes right now. Scheana's eyes get wide, she starts to look nervous, and then Brandi – all 35 feet of her – stands up, looks down at her and breezes out. Scheana does a quick vital signs assessment, realizes she's in one piece, and then runs out as fast as her shaky legs can carry her.
Brandi breezes into the Office de Vanderpump for a counseling session and a glass of much needed rosé. I need rosé on tap too. Lisa Vanderpump – hook a girl up!
Sometimes my reality gets skewed. It's been skewed as of late. I'm bewildered. The light of musicals, Southern belle charm, and quick wit wrapped in a tiny little package has disappointed me. Yet, I still can't blame her. I feel as if she's been brainwashed. I can't think of another logical explanation.
I'll just come right out and say it. I've heard the rumors, and I've read the gossip, but I so didn't want to believe it was true. But we now have confirmation. Sigh. It seems that everyone's favorite multi-talented spitfire little cupcake Kristin Chenoweth is, in fact, dating former Bachelor alum and d-bag pilot Jake Pavelka. When did the world go so awry? I'd hoped that she was his beard, but it doesn't seem like that is the case. I don't know what to believe anymore. Gracious.
Okay, I'll be honest. I didn't think I'd grow to like this new group on Love & Hip Hop. I certainly didn't fathom that I'd start changing my tune during the second episode…but I did. I'm still iffy about Raqi Thunda, but I like Rashidah Ali. Joe Budden and Tahiry Jose are going to bring the drama
When we last left the new crew, Tahiry and Raqi were involved in some behavior unbecoming of a pool party…unless your on a VH1 reality show. So, they totally fit right in, I'd say. Tahiry heads to Rashidah's house to vent to her friend about the situation. Rashidah is floored to hear that Tahiry went to Joe's pool party, and she's even more floored to hear that Raqi was there. Rashidah considers her to be "IP"…or Industry What the fab 90's rap song OPP was about. Classy. Tahiry admits to blacking out during her altercation with Raqi, and Rashidah accuses her friend of "dumbing down" for Joe. I like this chick. She calls it like it is! Tahiry thinks that something is off with Joe, and she's worried about him.
We are introduced to Jen Bayer, better known as Jen the Pen. She's a hip hop gossip blogger and has a radio show. She is dating rapper Consequence, who is the self-proclaimed best ghost writers in the history of rap. They've been together for five years and have a baby boy. He has an impressive resume as he's written with tiny rapper Kanye West, Diddy, and Beyonce. Jen meets her friend Winter Ramos (who made a brief appearance at that fateful pool party) at Consequence's sound check. She is Fab's assistant, but she worked with (and slept with) a slew of famous name rappers. Jen shares with Winter that she's ready to go back to work after the baby. Winter has recently written a tell-all about her experience in the music industry. She's put a lot of controversial details in her book, but she's not worried about any backlash.
Oh wow. I bet y'all didn't even know that it was possible to have a short, sweet Real Housewives of New Jersey post, but I'm here to restore your faith. After the jump, I've got some great gossip and some hilarious Caroline Manzo news. It won't disappoint.
Let me throw out some buzz words in hopes of sparking your interest. We've got a former Basketball Wives star hanging out with a pole dancing "prostitution whore" from seasons past of RHONJ. We've also got Caroline's face popping up in a very odd place. It's amazing.
New Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Marisa Zanuck is getting quite the initiation. Her intro to the group happened during one of Kyle Richards' infamous dinner parties. The dessert on the menu is rarely the edible kind, but it is always the lipsmackingly ridiculous and scandalous kind!
"I remember leaving the dinner very surprised at all the conflict that had developed in the past few months," Marisa shares. During yoga "I was trying to listen to Kyle and process what she was saying but found it hard to focus on all of the accusations and suppositions that didn't involve me. I like to have fun and so does Kyle. I know it is hard for Kyle to be in the middle of all the drama, she is much more in her element when she is having a good time."
While Mike slept off a few bottles of vodka, his dream of a drama-free weekend went awry. First, MJ and Lilly got snippy with one another, and then MJ and Asa traded nasty words and insults. When Asa called MJ a pill popper, MJ left the attack scene. To the camera, MJ said, "Asa asking me if I popped a pill… worst thing anyone has accused me of. Ever." Asa is all like, what did I do? and why is this all about me? That act is getting stale.
One hour later, Reza, Lilly, and Asa are hot tubbing it and Sammy and MJ are Cabo clubbing it. Asa tells Reza and Lilly that she feels bad about what went down with MJ. Reza laughs. Asa goes on to say, "When she attacks me, I feel bad for because I know her mom is crazy." Reza laughs. Reza thinks it's "his business" to make sure he "protects" MJ. Someone needs to look up "protect" in the dictionary. Lilly thinks the lines are blurred because the person who has the substance abuse problem is also the life of the party. Asa says, "We all think it's cute… and so MJ," to which Lilly adds, "That is not cute; that is a hot mess."
The thing I love about reality show gossip is that everyone gets to hear exactly what they want to hear. At least, that is certainly how it seems to be for the former Bethenny Ever After couple. Fans of Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy's relationship will be happy to hear that some insiders think they could go the route of NeNe and Gregg Leakes and reconcile. Of course, these sources predict that it will happen right about the time that Bethenny's talk show debuts. Funny how that works, right?
On the flip side, for those of you for whom Bethenny grates on your last nerve, other insiders are claiming that Bethenny has already moved on with a mystery colleague. The scandal! See, it's a win/win when it comes to gossip!