As a writer you are challenged to encapsulate events and people in an exciting or innovative way. As a recapper you are challenged to reiterate exciting and crazy things that have already happened in a funny and innovative way. It’s a tough job.
Last night on Real Housewives of New York there were royal wars and pinot races. And nobody won at the end of an evening serenaded by the worst music I’ve ever heard on Housewives of anywhere – and that is really saying something. So Mazel, Cara Quici.
Things begin innocently enough with a bidet, some croquet, and champagne. Sonja Morgan, washing off the sins of her hangover, sticks her face in a bidet filled with ice. She does know what part of the anatomy a bidet is really for, correct?
Sometimes you see things on TV that are straight up embarrassing. Case in point: The ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County on last night’s reunion. I may just go ahead on record and call this the most vitriolic reunion ever. Am I crazy?
Some things should be kept private – or at least off camera – but never underestimate the power of a desperate and delusional blonde!
Tmara Barney and Gretchen Rossi continued their reign as the over-the-hill trainwreck Barbies – and both their weaves had to come from the Barbie Comes To Life Wig Collection, sold exclusively in the Sunday morning coupon section of your local newspaper.
I assumed Heather Dubrow was brought on to inject a dose of class into this mess? Mission failed.
The Men Tell All, The Parade of Tools, The Reincarnation of the 3 Stooges… however you label it, it’s still the Bachelorette starring Emily Maynard<yawn> Two hours of video recaps and retells taped in front of one very reactive audience <SCREAMS!> makes me wish I drank wine.
Chris Harrison welcomes us by asking, “Who here would finally like to see Emily find the love of her life?” Raising my hand! If it means she’ll go away, then, by all means, let’s get this woman hitched. Jef Holm and Arie Luyendyk, Jr. are not there, but the men who escaped a lifetime of love few short months of happiness with Emily are. Yippee.
Sean is there! <SCREAMS!> Kalon is there! <BOO!> Seriously, the audience is so over the top.
In what may just be the least shocking news ever, it seems that there are still fans of Jon & Kate Plus 8 who walk among us. Well fan. Singular. And it’s Kate Gosselin herself. Color me surprised!
The former reality mom turned fifteen minutes of fame diva recently tweeted, “Wow. We all agreed: we miss our show&the adventures and huge opportunities to help and entertain :)others! Why am I watching and crying??!:)” My guess is she’s crying because she’s no longer on television, but I could be totally wrong about that!
It’s official. I am going to have my own reality television show. I am not sure of the concept (although I am sure all of you would line up to watch me watch reality TV), but it will happen. Why, you ask? Well, it seems that anyone–and I mean ANYONE–can get their own show these days. I know that’s no surprise to any of you though.
Next up, it’s time to sit back and relax with The Game (real name: Jayceon Terrell Taylor, thanks Google!). He’s done beating up people, getting shot, and hanging out in jail, and, according to TMZ, he’s ready to walk down the aisle! The rapper is working with 51 Minds Entertainment to create a show which follows his engagement and wedding to fiance Tiffany Cambridge. The show will reportedly showcase Game as a family man helping to plan his wedding. While neither the rapper turned reality star nor the production company will comment, it’s rumored that the show has already been pitched to MTV and VH1.
No word on whether Chad Ochocinco will be on hand to give wedding advice!
The Real Housewives of Orange County star Alexis Bellino seems to be on the campaign trail, rallying her fans. Here she is shopping in Los Angeles with a group of friends, all sporting ‘Team Alexis’ shirts. Perhaps it’s another item being hawked by a Housewife for the Bravo Shopping Network? Coming to an online store near you….
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Joseline and Erica meet to discuss their fight. Joseline apologizes for accusing Erica of sleeping with Stevie J. Erica refuses to accept said apology and goes off on how she doesn’t like Joseline. For once–and I am shocked to type this–Joseline is the bigger person and walks away from the conversation when she realizes there is no changing Erica’s mind.
Mimi Faust is packing up Stevie J’s belongings. While she loves him, she just can’t stay with a man who is unfaithful. I’m pretty sure she isn’t just learning this, but whatevs. Ariane comes over to check on her friend, and she’s shocked that Mimi is actually biting the bullet. Mimi reveals that she’s still very sad, and she would love for their relationship to work. Basically, Mimi’s bottom line is Stevie is welcome back if he stops screwing with Joseline. Clearly she doesn’t really care if he’s faithful, she just doesn’t want him to be unfaithful with the likes of Joseline. Baby steps, I guess.