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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Tamra Barney got her titties (not to be confused with tits) reduced, Vicki Gunvalson ran like the devil from a white trash harlot itching for a fight. Gretchen Rossi‘s singing caused me to pause the television so I could belly laugh for approximately five minutes. And Heather Dubrow hosted a bowling party … which got quite dramatic.

Things start out with our fair maiden Tamra visiting the manor atop a hill overlooking the sea. No this isn’t Once Upon A Time, it’s still RHOC and Tamra is merely visiting Heather‘s house. She muses about the view while gulping over the sheer abundance. See, unlike the ladies of RHOBH Tamra isn’t used to such opulence or actual wealth.

Heather calms Tammie Sue down by pouring wine down her throat and then announces she is hosting a bowling and champs party. Except champs is pronounced shamps. Heather finds this to be a clever thing to do and is quite amused with herself for coming up with another unconventional party to keep the ladies on their toes. She loves mixing the up with the down and the fun with the irregular – like taking a helicopter to LA for the day, for instance. She cited that as an actual example.

Heather reveals her true motivation is not to show off her quirky, yet classy, party planning techniques but to get the girls together to mend fences. And there went the class she was anticipating – out the window, over the cliffs, and right on into the Pacific. Maybe some lifeguard will pick it up down in Juarez (if the ocean current even runs that way – geography eludes me).

Tamra gulps back her wine, smiles a tense smile, and comments that, like, Vicki and Gretchen kind of hate each other. Heather smiles, nods, and is like ‘duh, that’s the point!’ in response. Heather has the oddest smile doesn’t she? It’s like the Chesire Cat grin with no teeth? I’m not the only one seeing this, am I? Maybe I shouldn’t drink wine and watch HW?

One other small snafu – Tamra will not be able to attend. She’s getting her titties reduced that week and will be out for the count. No bowling and champers for this girl. Too bad, cause I bet Tammie Sue had a mean strike back in ’85 when she was the hook-up queen of BFE, Idaho or wherever she’s from. All big hair and bigger balls. But not quite those big bazoonkas – those came later when she became the hook-up queen of ’98 in Orange County.

Tamra and Heather talk Brooks Ayers and Vicki. Tamra, proving she’s a good friend, is worried for Vicki because she thinks Brooks is a little like a shark who smells blood in the water and is swooping in for the kill. He senses that Vicki is vulnerable and tired of her love tank running on fumes, so he’s saying anything in his power to sweet talk the little rich desperada.

Proving just that, Brooks and Vicki do lunch and he opens the date with a card. Is this man keeping Hallmark in business or what? Does Vicki need a storage unit to house all those affirmations? Does she have a special box devoted to the cards that reassure her she does not look like Miss Piggy? Vicki says Brooks wants to move here, but is worried about leaving his children behind.

Anyway, Vicki and Brooks talk their love and it’s gross and I’m glad I wasn’t eating alongside them cause I would have surely asked for a doggybag and high tailed it out of there. Then Brooks asks Vicki what assets she’s getting in the divorce from Donn. That was so awkward. You know Bravo forced him to bring that up. She’s getting the big house, the house Jeana sold her that has tanked in value because Slave‘s stuff was hogging up the garage for close to a decade, and her retirement fund. Donn gets the beach house. And the dog.

Vicki tells us their love is a beautiful, fun ride down a winding scenic road and she is so thrilled that all her tanks are full. ALL her tanks? Is she the Starship Enterprise? She has reserve fuel now? Then she admits Brooks has access to all her accounts – email, banking, off-shore savings, whatever. A fun ride indeed – Vicki’s bank account is about to be as empty as her love tank. She loves that Brooks is romantical, unlike Donn who didn’t blow the mortgage payment on greeting cards. Loser. Tamra is right – this reeks of disaster!

Heather completes a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invitation. Alexis can’t come ’cause she can’t bend over due to her nose job recovery. And Gretchen‘s voicemail insists you call Slave if you want to get a hold of her. So, lemme get this straight – Slave doesn’t work for Gretch, yet he fields her calls and deals with all her requests? Cause that sounds like what a personal assistant does? Is he her Slaveretary?

Alexis Bellino can’t bend over, but she can embarrass herself on the news. Seriously – was this Fox5′s idea of a practical joke? She does her make-up in the public restroom, then rushes out on stage and flubs one of the guest’s names. I kept waiting for her to mispronounce Adriana as areola or something. Then she kept interrupting the panel – which was on kids – and treating it as her own personal therapy session.

Surely this woman is not being paid? Alexis, proving that all the peroxide hair dying has destroyed the few brain cells she ever had, reveals that she wants her own show and she is, like, totally qualified because she took a journalism class in college. First of all – she went to college? AHA! AHA HA! Yeah, Not buying that! Second of all – remember all that stuff that was supposedly removed from her sinuses? I’m pretty sure those were actually her three remaining brain cells.

And all roads apparently lead to delusion tonight, because Gretchen is in the car with Slave driving to a voice coach for her Pussycat Dolls Appearance. Didn’t you know – they’re like a world-renowned dance troupe? Anyway, she’s on the phone telling someone that she strained her vocal chords screaming at Vicki and they’ve never recovered.

At the voice lesson she cannot even muster a chord. Nor is she allowed to speak to the vocal coach because Slave keeps interrupting to explain that Gretchen shouldn’t talk cause she’s straining her voice. Who else thinks he’s just trying to shut her up? Seriously – both of them please play the silent game. For the rest of the season.

Then Gretch starts practicing her scales. And all I can say is that vocal coach’s facial expressions made last night’s episode all worth it for me. That “singing” was like an American Idol reject audition. Oh, holy it was bad. Worse than bad. It was … wow – I don’t have words.

Alexis and her king do dinner. It’s date night! So Jim Bellino ruins it by telling Alexis her job is pathetic and she should basically stay at home in rent-a-mcmansion of the week and wash dishes. Right after Alexis gets done talking about how proud she is that she helped provide for her family in a bad economy while Jim’s scamming suffered and how she is so happy they could work together; Jim reminds her that when they married they became the same flesh. Except her half of the flesh does a lot of cleaning and not a lot of bread-winning.

He then tells her that while Alexis Couture is still pretty much a joke, it can stay if she continues running it from the basement, but Fox 5 needs to go. According to him Alexis only agreed to do it because she has a hard time telling people no. Clearly she would rather be at home hard-boiling eggs. Alexis is furious and retaliates by savagely chomping her poor french fry.

Oh Jim. Remember when you swore that you were not going to appear on camera because this show made you look bad? Well, perhaps you should revisit that proclamation because once again you are looking like a misogynistic ass. Although, a part of me believes he just wants Alexis to save herself the embarrassment of further faux newscastering. Good lord – she is awful! Maybe it was goodness and kindness and love that made him tell her to quit. Or maybe he was mortified by her weekly news cameltoe and cleavage display.

Poor Alexis squeakingly admits in her ITM that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. Then she looks around to check if Jim is lurking behind her eavesdropping. You make that money girl – you need it to pay for the divorce attorney!

Tammie Sue is getting her old titties yanked out in exchange for some natural-sized boobies. She’s nervous as heck, but it’s sure as hell better than keeping the boobs Simon forced her to get. I like her style. She can wrap up the old implants and send them to Simon for Christmas. Eddie has serious concerns about these new so-called small boobs, but Tamra is resolved.

And reason no 6,476 why I wouldn’t be on a reality show: being contractually obligated to participate in post-op filming. <<shudder>> After calling Vicki, who is too busy raising money to pay for Donn‘s alimony and Brooks‘ child support working, here comes Gretchy, sucking up. Gretchen could come ’cause she has no job to speak of. I thought she wasn’t allowed to talk? She reapplies Tamra’s lipgloss, which is apparently more necessary than water, and whips out a bottle of Penis Tequila.

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Are you ready for a whole bunch of Kardashian-related news? I can tell you’re excited! Well, would it surprise you to know that the seventh (yes, seven!) season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians has graduated to a full hour of television. E! is so confident that you have nothing else to do with your time that not only have they managed to find 44 minutes worth of “umms” and manufactured drama, they’ve also ordered 18 episodes. Is this one of the signs of the apocalypse?

Hollywood Life reports that Kim Kardashian‘s current “boyfriend” Kanye West has “signed on” to appear for the seventh season, since he doesn’t have anything to do either. Given the success of Kanye’s latest musical effort, his collaboration with Jay-Z, one must assume that he has genuine feelings for Kim, because it’s not like he needs the PR. He might be participating in this latest charade as a favor to her.

Moving on from Kim, pobrecita Khloe Kardashian is having a rough few months. First, insta-husband Lamar Odom was cut from the Dallas Mavericks. On Monday, Khloe tweeted the following, presumably to Lamar: ” “U deserve so much better. Know ur worth and know ur skills that have been proven and earned! U showed ur strength, I love u.” She was spotted at LAX by the TMZ cameras, and said “No, I like Dallas. I’m glad to be home, but I liked Dallas.”

A source tells Radar Online that Lamar is “depressed” after not only being fired from the Mavericks, but let go from the L.A. Lakers:

“Lamar hasn’t gotten over being traded from the Lakers, and he has been depressed and moody ever since it happened. Lamar felt that he was ripped away from his Laker family with no warning or notice. He couldn’t fathom the fact that the Lakers traded him after all of his years with the team.”

Radar reports that Khloe has a “romantic getaway” planned, to whisk Lamar away from the cameras. Except she might take E!’s reality show cameras. The source adds that, “Khloe has been extremely supportive of Lamar, but she is growing increasingly concerned for her husband because she has never seen him like this before.” A vacation may be just what the doctor ordered.

While Khloe has said she will follow Lamar wherever his NBA career takes him, this might be the end of the road. The insider adds, “Lamar wants to keep playing basketball, but it might be time for him to retire which has Khloe even more concerned.”

In even sadder news, Hollywood Life alleges that Khloe went through a miscarriage in February, and is worried that her inability to get pregnant will mean the end of their relationship. “She’s scared that if she doesn’t give Lamar a baby, then he’ll leave her.”

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After the second episode of Dance Moms: Miami, I must stick to my brazen statement that I like this one more than the original.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Abby Lee and the crew, but that was just a crazy dance instructor and some pseudo-normal moms (for the most part…for the most part).  I LOVE Victor and Angel.  I love that they are passionate about what they do, but they are not hateful and crazy—unless they are dealing with these basketcase mothers.  They blatantly call the women insane, and it is fabulous.

Last night we started with my man Lucas at the top of the list, mainly for not dropping Kimmy during the pair’s duet.  Kimmy’s mom is thrilled see her place second, although Kimmy thinks a tie would have been more appropriate.  Sammy isn’t keen on being third, and Susan is in tears that Jessi’s name must be in the bottom two.  Jessi placed second in her solo for Pete’s sake!  Hannah takes the fourth spot, even though Angel and Victor cite her improvement.  Jessi fell from the number one spot last week to last on the list.

Victor blames Jessi’s poor sportsmanship for the drastic turn of events.  She is in tears but has nothing to say for herself.  Susan is livid.  The only reason Jessi snatched the trophy out of Hannah’s hands was because Hannah wouldn’t give it to her when she asked for it.  Because that makes it all right?  The girl is fourteen-years-old having a spat with a ten-year-old?  Susan tells Debi that both of their daughters are to blame, and Debi won’t hear any of it.  The women are screaming at each other, and Angel tries to remind them that they are behaving this way in front of their children.  He refers to them as psychotic b*tches, and he is definitely on to something.  Susan takes  Jessi outside, stating that her past behavior has been an embarrassment.  Hmm…I wonder if Jessi isn’t thinking the exact same thing!  Susan instructs her to go back into the studio and apologize to Victor, Hannah, and her other fellow dancers.

The competition this week is in Long Beach, California.  The group dance is revisiting jazz-funk, and Lucas scores a solo.  Sammy and Hannah are also going to be dancing solo numbers.  Debi is so excited that Hannah will be competing against her other arch nemesis, Sammy.  The group dance centers around “party boy” Lucas, new in the city.  Jessi returns  and Angel makes her apologize to the group.  Victor comforts her because hey, she didn’t choose her cuckoo mother.  Angel thinks Victor is reinforcing bad behavior.  Susan tries to apologize to Angel, and he rakes her over the coals.  It was pretty awesome.  He makes no secret of thinking she’s five-star crazy.

After a mediocre group dance practice, Angel promises to pull out of the competition if they don’t show vast improvement.  Hannah is doing a contemporary solo.  I know nothing about dance, so while she is probably amazing, the choreography reminds me of something Chuck Norris would do.  Sammy will be dancing a jazz solo, and little Lolita is sporting some bright red lipstick.  Angel dislikes Victor’s choreography and their arguing is placing more stress on Sammy.  Lucas’ solo is entitled “I Believe in Something” and it’s lyrical.  Basically it is just a lot of sad dancing by my little Biebs.  The mothers just look on from their sofas providing meaningless commentary.  Victor declares Lucas to be “amazing.”

The jazz-funk group dance is one hot mess.  Susan thinks Victor has PMS.  Ani has no problem with Victor yelling at Kimmy.  After all, football coaches yell at their players.  This is no different.  Angel has had enough of the group being off-beat, and he dismisses them…basically stating that he can’t stand the sight of them.  Victor is peeved, as clearly they need this time to practice.  Angel wins, per the usual.

Debi’s older daughter is home from college, and Debi reveals that Abby has joined the studio.  The scandal!  Basically Hannah’s mother and sister are talking about how she wasn’t nearly as good a dancer at her old studio while talking smack about another tween.  I could maybe understand tween dissing tween, but this woman is just as ridiculous as Susan.  These ladies are clearly living vicariously through their poor daughters!

Angel tries to a team building exercise the following day where the kids basically tell each other how each feels about their fellow classmates.  The mothers look curiously from their perch on the sofas…they have never seen anything like this before.  Angel then instructs Jessi to tell her mother what Susan needs to improve upon as far as behavior.  Oh snap!

The mothers watch Hannah rehearse, and both Debi and Abby’s horns are showing.  These two dislike the others’ daughters more than the girls dislike each other…which, for the record, they seem to be fine but slightly competitive.  Sammy’s practice time is cut short due to drama between Victor and Angel.  Angel has stepped in to tweak Victor’s choreography.  It’s a good thing that Kimmy’s mom can read lips through the glass partition so that the women can follow the disagreement.

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It looks like Bethenny Frankel should go ahead and treat herself to that $35,000 furniture. Reports show that the sales of her Skinnygirl cocktails have rocketed over the past year.

A market research firm estimates that Bethenny’s Skinnygirl drinks have had an increase in sales of almost 400%! Alcohol sales in general have seen an increase, but Skinnygirl’s sales have risen approximately 388%!

While Bethenny sold the rights to the drinks to Beam Global in a lucrative deal, she continues to work with them to promote the line and reportedly receives a cut of the profits.  And promote them she does – and successfully, it looks like!

Back in 2011, she said that she created the cocktails after realizing how impossible it was to find a low-calorie drink. “I created a sub-category that never existed. I wasn’t an expert — I was just another person bothered by a 700-calorie margarita.”

Bethenny is laughing all the way to the bank as she continues to branch out her Skinnygirl brand to shapewear, cleanses, and who knows what’ll be next!? Roller skates? Budget furniture? $10 glass bowls for holding phone chargers.

In other Bethenny-is-taking-over-the-world news, she shared on Facebook yesterday that her new talk show is set to premiere on June 11th!

She shared: “I’m so excited to announce that my talk show premieres on June 11th on Fox! Want to be in my audience? Get tickets here.”

That’s just two months away, so start planning your L.A. vacays now.

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One of life’s biggest mysteries is just how much reality stars get paid. How much is your image and reputation worth? According to Media TakeOut‘s last delve into the world of Real Housewives of Atlanta, selling your likeness to Bravo in perpetuity through out the universe is actually profitable. Since this is MTO and their “source” could be nothing more than an anonymous email account, we’ll take this info with a huge grain of salt. And speculate anyway, because it’s so fun!

Per MTO, below is the list of salaries for our Atlanta peaches. If true, Nene Leakes is at best “moderately rich” and not “very rich.”

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As par for the course, the children of the Real Housewives of any location are always dragged into the mess that is the show – and sometimes being on TV isn’t so fantastic. Glamour Magazine recently interviewed the adult daughters of some of our favorite (and least favorite) Bravo moms. The girls were candid about their experiences on the show and how it has affected their lives.

Lauren Manzo, Pandora Sabo (née Todd), Briana Culberson (née Wolfsmith), Tierra Fuller, and Victoria de Lesseps spoke out about what it’s like to be on reality television and how they’ve handled their moms’ dramatic experiences on the shows.

Interestingly, some of the girls would love to do reality TV in their own right, while others have absolutely no desire. “I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t get caught up in being on TV for a little bit,” Lauren admits. “I said to my boyfriend, Vito, a while ago, ‘I found a ring that I want. Go buy it, and we’ll get married on TV.’ And then I said to myself, That’s not what I want right now. It doesn’t make sense to get married. I need to become a woman on my own. And I don’t think I could do that right now with a ring on my finger.”

Pandora, who did get married on TV, and whose wedding was featured in last season’s finale of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, confesses she had to seriously consider letting such a personal moment be played out in public. “I’m a more private person than my mother is. So when Jason proposed, we had to think about how we were going to do this wedding,” Pandora shares.

“My mother’s [Lisa Vanderpump] life is on television, but mine really isn’t. I didn’t mind that the planning was on TV, because, to be honest, it’s quite nice to have a record of all that. Who else gets to relive picking out their invitations or their bachelorette party?”

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Lindsey Harrison is a teenager from Reno, Nevada.  She lives with her mother and younger sister in a space so small, she and her sister share a bed.  She also has two older sisters who no longer live at home, but all of the girls are super close.  Lindsey has been with her boyfriend Forest Ponce for three years…oh, and she aspires to be a detective and a cage fighter.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Hmm…what else can I say about Lindsey?  Oh yes, she’s 16 and Pregnant of course!  Lindsey also sports a giant tattoo across her belly…

Lindsey reveals to her friends that the couple often used condoms, but once time they forgot and she didn’t get pregnant.  Because of this, they felt they could be more lax with contraceptives.  Both Lindsey’s mother and boyfriend had hoped she would get an abortion.  Forest even broke up with Lindsey for a few months when she decided to keep the baby.  Now, however, he seems excited about having a daughter who they are planning to name Aniyah.  Keeping it in the franchise, I must note that Forest looks like the love child of Chelsea Houska’s Adam Lind and Jenelle’s mistake Kieffer Delp.  Attractive, no?  Lindsey is glad that Forrest is being more supportive, but she really wishes he would take the initiative to get a job.

Lindsey is hanging out with her older sister Dallas.  She tells her sister that she now must put aside her dreams of going pro with cage fighting at age eighteen.  Lindsey hasn’t even told her trainer that she is pregnant since he is such a father figure to her.  In an effort to spark her enthusiasm, Lindsey’s mother encourages her to go to a cage match.  Lindsey is concerned that she’ll see someone she used to train with who will reveal her secret to her trainer.  She and her mother are bickering a lot, so she finds herself spending a lot of time at Forest’s house.  Lindsey hopes he’ll want her to move in with him.  They both think that makes the most sense for their growing family.

Lindsey goes shopping for baby gear and is a bit defeated to find out how much the necessities will cost.  She lunches with Forest, and basically they can afford the crib.  As she’s the only one with a job, he is going to need to step up to the plate.  He promises to start looking.  Lindsey discusses potentially moving in with Forest with her other older sister Lacey.  She thinks that if they live separately, both homes must be equipped for their daughter, essentially doubling the cost.  Lacey seems skeptical about Forest helping as much as Lindsey expects.

After a week, Forest has yet to start his job search while Lindsey is seven months pregnant and taking on extra shifts at McDonald’s.  Over dinner with Forest and his mom and sister, his mother broaches the subject of Lindsey moving in with the family.  His mom Dora doesn’t want her son working and trying to go to school and complete his homework.  Apparently, it’s okay that Lindsey does though.  The couple argues after dinner, and it ends with Forest hanging up on Lindsey.

Later that night, Lindsey starts to have contractions…very scary considering she is still two months from her due date.  Of course, Forest refuses to answer his phone.  She’s admitted to the hospital.  They schedule a shot to clear out the baby’s lungs in the event Lindsey goes into pre-term labor.  As early as it is, there is a risk the baby’s lungs haven’t fully developed.  The following day, Lindsey’s contractions have subsided, and she is frustrated that she still has yet to hear from Forest.  She is released from the hospital and ordered to adhere to strict bed rest.  Her sister Dallas comes to retrieve her from the hospital and is disgusted to hear how Forest is acting.  She thinks Lindsey deserves much better than Forest.  I tend to agree.

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It appears that reality television has become synonymous with deadbeat parents. In the latest, Kate Gosselin and Jon Gosselin continue to battle it out over their eight children and this time Twitter got involved!

Last week, Kate received a suspicious tweet from a follower who apparently joined twitter for the sole purpose of asking Kate about her custody issues with Jon. “is it true Jon going to court next week for nonpayment of child support?;” the user inquired. Kate was completely shocked and seemingly had no idea Jon had plans to head to court! “I don’t know if he’s going to court but wouldn’t surprise me…. How do you know this stuff?!?;” Kate asked in reply.

The user went on to accuse Jon of being a deadbeat dad, saying he was months behind on child support; revealing that Jon owes $40 per day for all eight of his children and  his monthly payment is a mere $1200.

As for how the user was privy to this very private information – she claims that her niece works in the PA court system and she saw the file. Well, um… seriously I think this spells firing for a certain niece. Aunt of the year, right here!

To her credit, the former Kate Plus 8 star refused to discuss the situation, telling the user: “Woah….I’m not allowed to talk about orders from the court.…”

The user, who has no identifying information, seemingly created the account for the sole purpose of revealing this information.

Jon did not address the accusations, but did take to twitter to advise others not to ask him about the situation. “stop posting about stupid court sh*t. Consider your sources people. Dont need drama during the holiday. Thx,” he wrote.

TELL US – IS JON A DEADBEAT DAD? WAS THIS TWITTER ACCOUNT LEGIT OR STARTED JUST TO SLAM JON?

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