90-Day Fiance Happily Ever After

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You know what? I think we could all be excellent marriage counselors (at least to this wayward lot) after watching 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After for this long. Simple truths emerge in every couple’s twisted mess. Like, for instance, don’t marry someone you trolled on the internet for six months, outright lied to, then expect them to love you for your pathetic self (looking at you, Danielle and Jorge!). Or, maybe get to know each other’s families just a wee bit better before signing on the dotted line (cough, coughChantel and Pedro). And lastly, find out if your future wife has delusions of becoming a model at age 30 before your house goes into foreclosure and your career circles the toilet. Russ could have deduced these facts from a simple 2-question quiz, no?

Anyway, their loss is our ridiculous television gain! Because this week, we continue to watch three out of our five couples unravel in the most spectacular and depressing ways. In the endless case of Danielle and Mohamed, a courtroom is finally entered. And Walmart Tom is not invited. Paola lays down on a dirty bed in used lingerie for a music video, pondering whether Russ will be cool with it. Chantel and Pedro’s families continue to vie for most atrocious in-laws EVER, and Loren makes her debut as Tourette’s ambassador in D.C. (Hmm. One of these storylines is not like the others.)

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TLC producers are obviously working overtime trying to unearth more sorry souls doomed to botch their lives forever, because after last night’s 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, we bore witness to a new iteration of the 90 Day franchise – Before The 90 Days. While we’ll only be recapping our usual couples’ stories here at Reality Tea, feel free to comment on the new train wrecks folks as well as the old!

Our tales already in progress include star-crossed lovers, Chantel and Pedro, about to wed for the second time even though their families basically want to murder each other. Danielle and Mohamed, who are set to face off in court, continue to delude themselves that the other is 100% to blame for their disastrous marriage. We also find Russ having to accept Paola’s new grand plan of “starring” in a music video, which we all know she’ll do with or without his permission. And finally, Jorge pathetically plans to grovel to Anfisa about giving him a second chance to be systematically tortured.

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Just when you thought Paola’s imaginary career was as sad as it could get, she scores a photoshoot that makes her look like a real live Instagram filter. On last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Russ tries to be supportive of his wife baring her goodies in public, while Pedro defends his intentions to Chantel – and her entire family – after their disastrous visit to the Dominican Republic. Mohamed and Danielle prepare for their appearance in court, and Jorge struggles to understand how lying to Anfisa for over a year could have possibly backfired on him.

In the Dominican Republic, Chantel and her family are heading back to Santo Domingo from their hotel in Santiago. They’re convinced Pedro is conning them (via his mother, Lydia) for a green card and money. But Pedro’s family thinks these Americans behaved worse than animals, only coming there to humiliate them! Pedro doesn’t know what to do – is wedding #2 happening or not? He says Chantel needs to decide between her family and him. Chantel thinks the same applies to Pedro and his family. In other words: These two are doomed.

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On last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Chantel got to see where all of Pedro’s money is going when she and her family traveled down to the Dominican Republic for their second wedding. Chantel’s parents were also confronted by a plate of chicken feet, which went over about as well as…a plate of chicken feet. Paola continued to make Russ her indentured servant, Mohamed and Danielle continued to torture each other on social media, and Anfisa spontaneously lost 250 pounds when she kicked Jorge out of the apartment.

We begin in Ohio, where Danielle successfully orders a cup of coffee, then whines to her sister and brother in law, Paul, about how she still wants to be frieeeeeends with Mohamed. Paul is like: Wake up, woman! He knows Danielle would take Mohamed back in a heartbeat if he even answered one of her sad texts. Beth, who is also in attendance, nods in agreement. But Danielle swears this time it’s for real, ya’ll! She even wants her family to write affidavits in support of her fraud case. (Wait – Danielle actually learned the word affidavit? This is getting serious.)

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You know, many of us have wondered if there’s just something missing from this summer’s 90 Day Fiance. Since we’re looking at the “Happily Ever After” lives of already-married couples, the usual drama of whether or not these confused souls will get married (not to mention whether they should) is obviously absent. Then again, we do have Jorge and Anfisa, Danielle and Mohamed, and Russ and Paola to keep the drama intense – if not a bit recycled. Instead of wondering if they will or won’t wed, we’re left to wonder how long until they’re dead divorced. In any case – I’ll take what I can get. Because no matter how guilty I feel for watching this divine mess week after week, year after year, I just can’t quit this show!

This week, Chantel finds out that Pedro has been sending more money home than her unemployed a$$ is comfortable with, Danielle verifies that she did indeed consummate her marriage with Mohamed <dry heave>, Loren and Alexei talk to Alexei’s mom about Tourette’s, Russ and Paola try to get past their night with Juan, and Jorge’s sister, Lourdes, attempts an intervention on her deeply deluded brother. To absolutely no avail, of course. But hey – you can’t blame a gal for trying! Anfisa takes this whole scene very well, by the way, meaning that she refrains from stabbing anyone with a steak knife in public.

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If you were Jorge (not that I’d wish that on my worst enemy), at what point would you perhaps think, “Hmm, maybe this sham of a marriage isn’t quite working out?” The thought certainly didn’t enter his mind when Anfisa shut down his phone, keyed his car, made him sleep in the garage, physically assaulted him, or threatened divorce. But on last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Jorge does have a moment (like, a single second) of clarity after Anfisa kicks him out of HIS OWN APARTMENT mere days before her green card is issued.

In Ohio, Danielle accuses Mohamed of being a gigolo. But he’s too busy on the prowl for American victim girlfriend number two. Russ and Paola continue to be a sad mess – as do Chantel and Pedro. And in riveting news, Loren and Alexi shift their focus from talking about strippers to crying about Tourettes.