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Adam Lind

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Last summer, Teen Mom 2 star Adam Lind bought two Corvettes with his most recent paycheck from MTV. Which is utterly ridiculous considering Adam has a bad driving record, including three DUIs, and probably doesn't have a license. 

Yesterday, KELO News reported that Adam was in a fiery car crash that left his Corvette burnt to a crisp. Thankfully neither Adam nor the elderly couple he hit were seriously injured in the crash. They are all very lucky to be alive.

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Last night the ladies of Teen Mom 2 complained a lot, made future plans, and in some cases displayed a delusion so deep the Pacific Ocean way out in California couldn't engulf it. 

Kailyn Lowry is never happy – even when there's cake. Even when there's caramel + cake. She literally is the Snuffleupagus of reality TV. She's stressed by wedding planning and Jo not doing what she wants, then Javi has to go and stress her out more by surprising her with keys to the new house! 

Instead of celebrating, Kail snuffles about how much it would suck if they had to move because of Jo. Say it with me now: should have thought of that BEFORE buying a house! Javi, sweet Javi, marvels that he's twenty, a homeowner, and a father. Say it with me now: Should have thought of that BEFORE hooking up with Kail!

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Last night the ladies of Teen Mom 2 forged ahead – some in a positive direction, some in a delusional direction, and some were just Jenelle Evans who will go in any direction that seems the stupidest at any given time. 

Leah Calvert is still reeling from Ali's diagnosis. The girls are at Corey's for the weekend and she is home alone with Adalynn while Jeremy is working in PA for a month. Three little kids. Alone. A month. I would develop a drinking problem. And yes, I have two little kids. 

Leah's mom comes over to check in and they discuss Ali's future. Leah is positive they'll have to move because their house has too many stairs to accommodate Ali's wheelchair. Leah's mom's heart is broken over the situation. I love this family. I love them so much I forget Leah has a purple muppet wig on her head dangling into her frosted silver eyes. Later Leah tells Jeremy she's found a farm, but it's in a different county, 40 minutes away, but Ali will benefit from equine and water therapy so they want to have a space where she can have a pony. 

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Last night's episode of Teen Mom 2 temporarily humanized our snarkiness as Leah Calvert learned the realities of Ali's muscular dystrophy. 

Kail Lowry heads to an ultrasound appointment sans Javi Marroquin because Jo Rivera won't let her move out of state with Isaac and now she's all allllloneee! Apparently she's been emotionally eating to drown her sorrows because the doctor warns her that gaining a pound and a half per week isn't a good idea. "Lay off the fettuccine alfredo," he instructs. 

Everything looks healthy but Kail is waiting until Javi can be there to find out the sex. Kail calls Javi from the car and complains that she's soooo stressed planning a wedding while pregnant. Maybe postpone the wedding until after you've had the baby then? Just a thought – especially since they're already legally married for the benefits and stuff. 

Then Kail and Jo have a major custody blowup. Kail is now refusing to bring Isaac to Jo's parents' if he's not home. On their custody exchange day, Kail learns from Jo that he's running late so she calls Javi - in front of Isaac – to whine about what a terrible, negligent parent Jo is. Nice Kail.

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Last night the ladies of Teen Mom 2 continued to mope through the agonies of motherhood – well except for Jenelle Evans who promptly stored 'have a child' in the largely non-functioning corner of her brain (right beside 'multiple arrests, including a felony') and went on as if she had not a care in the world. 

Kail Lowry is feuding with Jo over their custody agreement with Isaac. Kail just doesn't see the logic in anyone disagreeing with her, but is meeting in court before a judge. Javi warns her to keep her temper in check. Kail, who spent the day therapeutically painting pottery coasters for the house she hates but is forced to live in because of Jo's selfishness, promises Javi she'll be calm on the stand. 

The two meet in court where Kail is hoping her fabulously constructed donut bun will sway the judge in her favor (her dress is cute, so props for that!), but unfortunately due to a jurisdiction error the case was transferred and now will take a couple more months.

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I guess I should have braced myself for the return of Teen Mom 2. I'd forgotten that with it would come a new media hurricane of all its "stars." I'm used to Jenelle Evans being in the tabloids 24/7/365 (I'm so 2005), but I kind of forget about the other girls when they aren't stored in my DVR.

Perhaps I need to be grateful for non-Jenelle created drama, but I feel like it's the same story line over and over again with these girls. Guess what? Chelsea Houska is still pretending she's over douchebag and baby daddy Adam Lind while claiming that she doesn't receive help from her ever-present father. Hey, no shame in taking money from the Bank of Dad if he gives it willingly, right…even if you do have all that MTV money for doing nothing more than being totally immature, irresponsible and overly dramatic.  That last sentence is not a dig a Chelsea. It's a dig at all of them. 

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Last night was the premiere of Teen Mom 2. In case you have been living in a bomb shelter where twitter does not exist, it gave you the opportunity to catch up on what's been happening with our ever responsible ladies. 

Jenelle Evans is still atrocious! After marrying Courtland Rogers, getting arrested 3 zillion times, and getting bailed out 3 zillion times she's back home with mom Barbara and terrorizing their peaceful-ish domestic tranquility with her soulless vortex. Apparently we're supposed to be proud of her or something. We're not. She whines that being a teen mom is like sooo super hard – not sure how she would know since she doesn't even interact with Jace when he's sitting right in front of her. 

And since the world that is Jenelle is less stable than a drunk sorority girl on a parade float, she has more news. Jenelle takes a walk with her friend to share that getting off heroin is like hard and she's also like pregnant, so she's decided to get an abortion. How many pregnancies this year? "I should have made him put on a condom," Jenelle whines. "I'm so disappointed in myself." Completely monotone insincerity. 

Jenelle's mom Babs supports the abortion since she doesn't want to be raising a second grandchild that Jenelle lost track of while she pursued her intensely fulfilling relationship with twitter. Jenelle is glad Courtland is stuck in jail so she doesn't have to tell him about all of this. 

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Teen Mom 2 has come to an end, and while we don't know if it's forever or just for now, it's time for the cast to talk about their troubles with Dr. Drew Pinsky.

This is Teen Mom, where "promising futures gave way to daily struggles, such as poverty, addiction, family breakdowns, absentee fathers, and revolving door boyfriends," says Dr. Drew. "The pressures and responsibilities of motherhood can be catastrophic." Then, to prove his point, the TV doctor welcomes Leah Messer Simms Calvert, Chelsea Houska, Kailyn Lowry, and Jenelle Evans to the stage and reminds us what happened this season.

Leah flip flopped between Corey Simms and Jeremy Calvert, but her Magic 8 ball ultimately told her to marry Jeremy. Also, Corey and Leah searched for answers for little Ali. Chelsea and Adam Lind hooked up sans birth control but avoided a second pregnancy. Then, hell froze over, and Chelsea realized that Adam is no good for her. #hallelujah

Kail fought with Jo Rivera. Kail fought with Javi Marroquin. Kail fought with anyone with a pulse. Kail and Javi got married… military benefits, yo!… Jenelle left her military man, Gary Head, after he beat her up and reunited with her pot head, Kieffer Delp, after he wooed her with the green hoodie. Sadly, Kieffer introduced Jenelle to heroin. 

Phew. Let the healing begin. 

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