Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was all about mama drama. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team and go to an evil haunted mansion filled with the ghosts of friendship's (kitchen's) past. Or a Russian grocery store with the living embodiment of Julia Child's voice.
Things began last night with Lisa Hochstein's everlasting nightmare; an unpleasant reminder of the things we do for money… errrrr… I mean love. And boobs! Lisa's inlaws are in town and her mother-in-law, Marina, lives to torture her.
Marina doesn't appreciate Fembot's fully constructed fabulosity. If only she had read that instruction manual Lenny faxed over, but Marina doesn't do new-fangled. She also doesn't understand what exactly Fembot does. I mean she doesn't work and she just swans around advertising her son's reconstruction prowess. Was anyone else aware that Lenny was the best plastic surgeon in the world?!
Anyway, Lisa's other major drawback is that she doesn't cook and she's not Russian. Score 0 for the daughter-in-law from Canada! Among the many ways Marina tries to destroy Fembot is by force feeding her fried fish. The horror had Lisa needing Xanax and colonics for weeks. Fembot wonders if Marina will ever like her, but you can tell she really doesn't care! Nor does Marina for that matter, who still believes she runs the show. All shows. Maybe she should take over Bravo.
Last night Lea hosted her annual The Black Gala and while things were a little more lackluster than usual in the auction department the drama surrounding the grand affair more than compensated. That and the diamonds of course! While the so-called "Cubans" are anything but Lea's besties, diamonds will always and forever be a Housewife's best friends, borrowed or no!
So Lea is hosting her big event, but most of the girls are playing hookie to go to something called Gay Polo. Gay Polo is polo, but there's tigers (and cougars) and leprechauns. Adriana de Moura and Marysol Patton were making a big, ginormous deal out of it like it was some spectacular extravaganza and Prince Harry was going to come out wearing nothing but a loin cloth and some body paint reading Kiss Me, I'm Gay. He's not gay, obviously, but he is hot and exciting. And he plays polo!
1) They do not know the definition of the word "hypocrite" (I think this is a trait that expands across all Housewives domains).
2) They don't understand "good manners" (Minding your Ps & Qs is not a Housewives forte).
3) They are baaaad actresses!
With that being said, let's dive into this nonsense and rip apart the episode. It all begins with Joanna Krupa dry humping Romain Zago in front of their braaaand neeeeew rented swimming pool!
Romain is on a mission to surprise Joanna left and right on Bravo's dime for a storyline. I mean Joanna needs to serve some purpose on this show besides looking amazing and hating Adriana de Moura, right?! First Romain surprised her with a car and now a new house he rented for them to live in as husband and wife.
Real Housewives Of Miami star Adriana de Moura recently teamed up with PETA, posing naked in a bathtub to bring awareness to whales being kept in captivity – more specifically "Lolita" from Miami's Seaquarium. This week the reality star made a trip to San Juan Islands in Washington to visit the capture site of the orcas she's fighting to free.
Adriana shared photos and narration of her trip on Twitter. "Excited! @peta Heading to deep nature – to see orca whales in their natural habitat #lolita." Adriana was a little anxious about boarding the small plane (those are the best kind!!). She shared about the photo below, "This is a tiny plane!! 6 people only – flying towards Canada in search of #lolita's relatives. The adventure continues – landed safely now getting on a boat to look for Orca whales #lolita."
We also secured the photos from the PETA ad – see below!
Oh Adriana de Moura – little tip: don't tell a lie when it can easily be disputed on film or in writing! #Housewives101
After getting engaged last season on Real Housewives of Miami the media discovered that Adriana had actually been married to Frederic Marq since 2008. Her rep said they got a marriage license but because of an error in the info on the license it was nullified. THEN it emerged that a month after obtaining said erroneous license, Frederic and Adriana actually got married.
Fast forward to last week's season premiere of RHOM and Adriana is now claiming they got a license but called the wedding off before actually getting married. Well that's Adriana's new storyline and she's sticking to it! "This season is drama galore," Adriana hints.
“Maybe 8 weeks into the relationship, Frederic asked me to marry him. I was in that lustful stage and the sex was great, so I said yes, "Adrianainsists to NBC Latino. "But when I started to feel conflicted, we started fighting and he finally pulled the plug."
I just can't figure out what's going on with Real Housewives of Miami. It's like in a desperate bid to be as good as all the other shows, they scrambled to switch everything up – giving me no sense of security here.
On top of that, I think I'm Weddings by Bravo'd out. I mean on top of Tamra Barney and NeNe Leakes' big spinoffs we're now inundated with Adriana de Moura and Joanna Krupa planning weddings and bickering about weddings and out-weddings each other and weddings, weddings, weddings… Maybe we can just pull a Sister Wives, lump all the Bravo brides together, and throw them with one man. I nominate Andy Cohen to be tied to these broads for life. Payback's a bitch!
So last night Joanna and Romain Zago had the big talk. You know, the prenup one. In a pseudo intimate moment in which Joanna's minimalist makeup was applied to perfection, they had breakfast in bed and argued, over freshly cut fruit, that Romain was going into wedding planning by planning his divorce. Um… he's agreeing to marry JOANNA.