I dunno what you call that sort of cry where no liquid emanates? I mean is it all the botox? At the very least I would expect wine to come out 'cause all they consume is wine. Well, that and bulls#*!.
So much happened last night – where to begin…
Well, let's all get this out of the way: Alexis Bellino talked about JIM BLOB's man part. It was the most awkward 2 minutes of television ever! She tripped and stumbled over a forced non sequitur about how he wears a size 14 shoe if you know what she's saying… EW! So that's how things started and if you can believe it they went downhill from there!
Alright let's dive into this whole Real Housewives of Orange County reunion thing! We've got Memory Lapse Monday happening here because Tamra Barney is confusing this season's storyline with one from two years ago. Did her shock therapy malfunction? Yeppers, Gretchen Rossi is back in the hotseat for cheating on her deceased fiancé Jeff with another man. Nevermind that NO ONE CARES CAUSE WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS FOR FOUR YEARS, we're rehashing it aaaagain.
So with that out of the way let's talk outfits. Gretchen is clearly bringing her little portable Barbie closet she had from childhood to the designer for Alexis Couture and asking for direct reproductions. All of her little girl dreams of sparkles, flounces, and seafoam fantasies are being brought to life. Seriously Gretchen is reliving my youth with that aquamarine number. I especially loved how she matched the side-weave to the one-sleeve.
Heather Dubrow's hair needs a deep conditioner and a good cut. Even though I'm sure Princess Champs On Ice probably pays $300 for a haircut, it looks like Gretchen played Barbies with Heather's head. Since Heather is the brown-hair Barbie friend Gretchen practiced "beauty school" with her locks. Result: fail.
What can we say about last night's season finale of Real Housewives of Orange County except those ladies need to re-evaluate their choices in men! Dang girls… Dr. V needs to get in there and do a summit on low self-esteem and co-dependent entanglements. I mean, that was a m.e.s.s. And not a fun one!
We're all back in the fabricated winter wonderland ofVicki Gunvalson's back yard. Despite the warm California breeze, glitterfied snow is everywhere. Suddenly the air turns icy… Gretchen Rossi has arrived. On her arm, an abominable faux man – Slave Smiley. While Gretchen pageant glides, in smiling engagingly at the Styrofoam penguin statues and paper mache snowmen, the other ladies are gorging themselves on a 'We hate Gretchen' buffet of snide comments and frosty complaints.
Poor Gretchen, the wool was pulled over her eyes because she had no idea the entertainment for the evening was pelting her with verbal snowballs and stealing her mittens.
And meanwhile, some other backstabbing was taking place at the party! See Vicki has a son-in-law FROM HELL and he was melting all the cute little decorations with his vendetta of mean. There he was shuffling around the party, drink in hand, complaining about Vicki, hinting at all the dirt he has on Brooks, and boasting that he basically controls Vicki's house by refusing to let Brooks in. Good lord! Shut. Up. Was Ryan auditioning for RHOC to replace Tamra Barney as next season's villain?
Alexis and Andy didn't get too deep into events that unfolded at Vicki Gunvalson's party, as I'm sure they wanted to leave those discussions for the big three part reunion coming up. The one thing Alexis did address was Slade Smiley's apparent issues with attacking women over their physical appearance.
Our favorite reality TV stars cannot get enough of the spotlight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to Twitter to share even more of their daily lives with us. And we love them for it! Here's a roundup of some of our favorite photos from the Twitterverse this week! Enjoy!
If ever there was a reason to say no to a proposal, it was an autotune-botched warbling of a wannabe Taylor Swift. And that proposal came courtesy of Gretchen Rossi. But of course Slade Smiley, who has been practicing the trickling of a single tear in the mirror for weeks, did not say no. Oh no … HE said yes! And it was all over-acted to puke-fection.
So yeah, let's start there shall we with the Real Housewives of Orange County proposal that just went on and on and on and on. Phase One: Slade at work at his radio station pretending he has a job like doing things on the radio. I was always convinced he just put up some microphones in Gretchen's overly cluttered garage, but apparently Radio Slade is a for realz thing.
Slade's partner announces a new song. A voice, a voice like mystic magic floating over clouds of heaven comes soaring over the airways. 'That sound…' gasps Slade staring off into the distance. I think someone has been watching The Sound Of Music… That voice, that he does not recognize because even WITH heavily deployed autotune it still sounds flat, plastic, and phony as hell (not unlike its owner), is Gretchen. And that song is asking him to marry him.
In her Bravo blog, Lydia discusses returning from the Great White North to a sense of normalcy. She writes, "Coming off of the girls trip to Canada, it was good to get back to our normal routines. This episode really showed all of our personal lives rather then our relationships with one another. . .and I kind of liked that." You know, of all these women, I think Lydia is the only one who truly does enjoy being normal and drama-free!
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was pretty boring. And by boring I mean tragic. And deafening. Gretchen Rossi tried to sing but she forgot to bring the big, pink plastic handbag holding her autotune with her. Oh the results were more tragic than a Made in Sweatshop plasticine Gretchen Christine handbag. Also plastic her face and now her lips. We'll discuss in a minute…
Moving on to other adventures in RHOC things, are still a mess betweenVicki Gunvalson and Brooks. And by a mess I mean Vicki's life and hair are sadly reflecting her inner life. Get a brush and comb things out. Seriously – get a smoothing serum too. And call Dr. V.
So let's begin… Gretchen has returned from Whistler and her friendship with Tamra Barney is as frozen and icy as her face. Did I mention her hair doesn't move either but it permanently looks wind swept? How? Mystery of science if I've ever seen one. Let's call Myth Busters!