Baker Manning

A charter guest complains about Matt's cooking

On last night’s Below Deck, we lost one crew member and gained another. Well, I use the word “gain” loosely, Jen Howell and Kate Chastain needed an HR rep to review sexual harassment policies. Support each other, ladies – no slutshaming aboard the 5-star Valor! And Nico Scholly made a miraculous recovery.

Poor Nico is in his bunk, all by himself, flexing his hand while tapping on his iPhone just waiting for Brianna Adekeye to check his temperature. Instead Jen and Bri are in hula gear at 1am, faced with a mountain of dishes that gives Jen delirium and psychosis. She’s talking more gibberish than usual, and she’s pretty sure that butter knife turned into a talking seahorse. What was IN that dinner Matt Burns made? It sure wasn’t happy juice!

Kate with rude guest

Last night on Below Deck, Nico Scholly was out for the count and no one even noticed his absence. Of course mostly everyone else continued to suck.

In St. Martin’s, the wind is rough, making massive waves. Captain Lee Rosbach is worried Valor won’t be leaving the dock for their upcoming charter. Of course, this guarantees that they’ll have super annoying, constantly-unhappy guests bringing a new meaning to expression “rough seas ahead.” Thankfully, after fighting with EJ Jansen over filthy feet, Nico’s brother is gone and taking 1/2 the Scholly a-component with him. Nico temporarily remains, dirty feet and jerky attitude, though! He blames EJ for trying to bait his brother into a fight.

Jen Howell

Last night’s Below Deck charter was annoying “AF,” which is how lead charter guest Sarah liked to tag every last thing! I don’t know if she just learned to spell and wanted to prove that she can, or possibly that she thinks English is a dead language replaced by Hashtag Speak, but she was correct in labeling their group “H.M.E”: Hot Mess Express. More like Hot Mess Distress.

The happy couple was only happy if there was booze to be consumed, and her much-older fiance was essentially silent as she careened around the yacht complaining, tantrum-ing, and shrieking like Vicki Gunvalson. Shockingly the one thing aboard Valor that consistently impressed this charter group was Jen Howell. How’s that for a reversal of the status quo!?

Jen sasses Kate

On last night’s Below Deck, pretty much everyone was terrible. Except Bruno Duarte. Yes, Bruno was pretty much sugar, spice, and everything nice, but the rest of the crew…

Nico Scholly so does not care about cheating on his girlfriend anymore. From halfway around the world, Melissa is sensing that something is wrong and calling him an extra lot about why he’s distancing her. I mean, other than the whole ‘on a yacht in the sea’ thing, she means like emotional distance. The answer: Brianna Adekeye. Big ol’ UGH on that girl!

While Nico is getting his sea quests on, Matt Burns is trying to reconnect with his ex-girlfriend. He suggests they get together while he’s on leave and is met with a flat-out “Nope.” She’s not interested. Strangely, eerily, after the hot mess express disaster he’s been, Matt takes this in stride… straight to the bar.

Nico & Brianna flirt

So much happened on last night’s Below Deck that my head is spinning from all the activities! There were fights, and costumes, and kinda celebrity guests (not the exciting kind). There was also one of Matt Burns burn out episodes, sandwiched in between Brianna Adekeye and Nico Scholly‘s elicit romance (fauxmance? boredom-mance?). But at least, under the tutelage of EJ Jansen, the deck crew is finally getting their crap together. Too bad the same can’t be said for the stew crew!

The episode begins with Nico and EJ feuding over who is the bigger asshole. Remember boys, one finger pointing at each other means four fingers pointing back at yourself! EJ may have menacingly called Nico “buddy boy” while he seized possession of Valor from Nico’s ego, but Nico was still the bigger jerk for accusing EJ of being drunk and repeatedly calling him an asshole while storming around the boat, sulking, and then swearing to quit the next day if he wasn’t promoted to his rightful position as bosun.

EJ Upsets Nico

On last night’s Below Deck one crew member went down, another almost sunk Captain Lee Rosbach‘s reputation, and a third got labeled a bitter Betty with the bad hair. Well, you can’t say these yahoos don’t try!

As they arrive in St. Barth’s, Valor is sailing into territory usually only charted by Real Housewives. It’s high season, which means multi-million dollar yachts, probably carrying celebrities and the stakes for keeping up with the Joneses – or the Falcons, rather, are high for keeping up. This is obviously foreshadowing, indicating that an ENORMOUS f–k up will happen. And who will go down. Duh, duh, duh.

Below Deck - Matt takes Brianna on a date from hell

Last night the Below Deck disasters got a new drill sergeant to whip them in to shape when Captain Lee surprised them by bringing EJ on board as the brand new bosun. He might be all “cool beans” and chipper smiles, but he’s using those tow lines as a whip faster than Chris Brown can say “Booooooze.”

Something about EJ is a little smarmy and shifty. Also insincere and hollow. Is he a robot? He seems to be relishing his role as savior of the Valor’s honor. He doesn’t have crazy eyes, but overly-intense eyes. He reminds me of Captain Dan from Forrest Gump maybe? This season is just too weird in general; nothing about casting makes much sense.

So, after a night of partying the crew is up and att’em to clean Valor, except for Chris Brown, who can’t be bothered to shove a mop while complaining about how hung over he is. Nico Scholly is pissed, and first thing in the morning while nursing the booze blues is no time to be angry.

Below Deck Recap - Jen Howell

Ugh – what can even be said about last night’s Below Deck, except Disco makes more sense? I mean, Kate Chastain is in a cult and gone mad, Chris Brown is absolutely bafflingly sucky, and everyone wants Brianna Adekeye to suck their summin-summin.

With one charter out the door, the crew is in da club and Jen Howell is in the cups. Actually, she’s in the jungle juice and drowning in it. Jen’s messiness is also messing up Kate’s ‘date’ with sexy Aqua Jesus, who truth be told is just OOOOKaaay looking, but Kate has some weird taste in significant others, to say the least! With someone else assuming responsibility for Jen – for once! – Kate and J2.0 depart for his heavenly waters. “What would Jesus do?” Kate says, “Me.” Indeed.