Let’s back up for a minute. It’s almost 2 AM aboard the Sirocco and Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier just got more than a tip of the primary charter guest, Jason. I don’t know exactly how it went down but they connected, they flirted, he dropped his iPhone in the hot tub, they smooched after hours in his room, you get the idea. He leaves the ship after getting her email and the world of reality TV yachting keeps on turning. Unless you have a Second Stew who wanted to be First Stew and has an axe to grind. Then it’s a never ending story of gossip and passive aggressiveness in the form of say, nonchalantly mentioning to Captain Sandy Yawn that Hannah came into the room so late, Bugsy thought it was morning and time to get up already. Nothing gets by Captain Sandy, who wants to know if Hannah was up partying with the guests.
Another week, another hook up with the Below Deck Mediterranean crew and this time, the professional lines between crew and charter guests start to blur. But before we get to all that, we rejoin what I thought was an episode of The Bachelorette: Croatian Seas Edition, starring Malia White and her number one suitor, Adam Glick.
Adam sulkily leaves the crew’s night out because he is having a “bad day”, which included refusing to adhere to food preferences in the meals, telling Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier that she had a resting bitch face, lying to Captain Sandy Yawn, and what else? Oh yeah, just being an all-around douche. Sorry, no sympathy here for the guy who thinks a charter guest needs to be punished repeatedly for simply asking him to omit onions from his meals. But all of these bad boy chef antics are like an aphrodisiac to Malia, who chases after him so they can sit next to the hot tub and make out before Adam needs another diaper change or nap or something equally baby-ish. What does Malia still see in him? Is she just in it for the omelets he’s whipping up special for her each morning? All I can assume is that she’s young and stupid because at this point, you would have to be.
There must be something in the water on Below Deck Mediterranean. If you thought the eye roll-worthy love triangle between Deckhand Malia White, Bosun Wesley Wiz Walton, and Chef Adam GropesALot Glick was over, you would be wrong. It’s just getting started and as a slimy bonus, let’s throw in Bobby Giancola for good measure. Feeling sea sick yet? Don’t worry, you will soon and it has nothing to do with the onion soup.
Speaking of, let’s check in on the Man Who Cannot Not Onion when it comes to chef-ing: Adam. He is busy throwing an onion sized hissy fit that Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier didn’t use her ESP to know that the guest ferry to the waterfalls were delayed and therefore, caused the picnic food Adam so angrily prepared to sit out and possibly spoil. You guys know what hate sex is right? I feel like Adam could make hate cooking a thing.
Last week on Below Deck Mediterranean, we were left with a real conundrum – the Med’s most wanted deckhand Malia White couldn’t decide who she wanted to kiss more – Wesley Wiz Walton or Chef Adam GropesALot Glick. So she did what any girl who can’t decide would do and kissed both of them. Apparently, this is a big no no in Lauren Cohen’s world but really, it’s hard to take dating guidelines from the girl who went out on a group date with our favorite goon, Bobby Giancola, and hooked up with him anyway.
I mean, what year are we in here? I know the Mediterranean is full of history but I didn’t realize we set sail back in time. Who cares if Malia kissed two people? But the most annoying person on the planet crew, Lauren, refuses to let it go. She’s so desperate for everyone to like her that she throws girl code out the window and wastes no time slut shaming Malia to anyone who will listen. And the worst part is that she does it by running to tell everyone after seeing Malia with her lipstick smeared on her face. Funny how Lauren has been so upset with everyone talking about her but it’s perfectly okay for her to do the same to someone else.
We rejoin Below Deck Mediterranean and the crew of the Sirocco in the midst of an anchor crisis. It’s been nine hours and they are still toiling away at trying to untangle their hopelessly twisted anchor. But Wesley Wiz Walton isn’t going to give up and poof! he manages to save the day (and the charter season) by setting the anchor free! Captain Sandy Yawn is thrilled and she’s not the only one. This is just one big turn on for the most eligible bachelorette on the Mediterranean: Deckhand Malia White.
Problem solving skills are sexy and Malia can’t help but swoon over Wiz coming to the boat’s rescue. That’s bad news for resident goon Bobby Giancola, who lost major points given his lack of simple math and not being able to stay calm under pressure. Of course he doesn’t know he didn’t really have a chance with Malia to begin with but that goes back to those math skills – if one sexy deckhand has two good looking crew members chasing after her and one giant ball of steroids that drunkenly yells at other women for c*ck blocking him, how many possible suitors does the sexy deckhand have left? Bobby is decidedly out of the equation.
There are so many boating metaphors we can use when it comes to Below Deck Mediterranean but I’m going to skip those for now and draw on an analogy of sorts to describe this episode: above deck on the Sirocco, everything looks perfect and pretty but just below water, trouble is lurking. I’m not just talking about the rising tension (both sexual and otherwise) between the crew, I’m also talking about the yacht itself, which is experiencing problem after problem (after problem). First, the Sirocco was drifting too close to the rocky shoreline, putting to boat in harm’s way, along with everyone on it.This episode, it’s the anchor chain that has twisted to the point of no return.
But before we tackle the anchor problem, we still have to fix the original issue in progress, which is the yacht drifting into the rocks. The wind has picked up and Captain Sandy Yawn can’t deny that they are getting closer and closer to the rocky shoreline, which makes for great scenery, but would be really bad to get too close to (which is kind of how I view Chef Adam Glick).
Last week’s episode of Below Deck Mediterranean showed us why a crew of young, good looking people who like to hook up with one another makes for great reality TV. We rejoin the Sirocco mid-blow up, with Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier and Deck Hand Bobby Giancola, continue to go toe-to-toe over what essentially boils down to a really bad case of blue balls for the night. That’s right, Viewers, they are drunkenly fighting over whether or not Hannah ruined Bobby’s chances of possibly hooking up with fellow Deck Hand Malia White.
Ahhh, this reminds me of the good ole days when I was young and carefree, going out and getting wasted with my friends on the Croatian coastline and then coming back to the yacht and arguing about who I get to hook up with. Oh wait, sorry, no that wasn’t me, because that isn’t a real problem or a real lifestyle that anyone can relate to so can these guys please spare me of all the dramatics? I know, I know, I sound bitter and I guess I am but I would like to move on from something so silly at this point. But alas, if we moved on, there wouldn’t be much for Bobby to throw a fit about and BOY, is he ever throwing a fit. My man Bobby really needs to get laid because he is just not letting this issue go and he’s still grumbling about it the next morning.
Whether you love watching Kate Chastain on Below Deck or you can’t stand her, you have to admit that she’s interesting. Kate always has a lot to say on everything…and everyone. She has had her fair share of drama with her fellow cast members, but she actually keeps in touch with most of them- even her former flame Ben Robinson.