Ahhhhhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where mothering is a crime against humanity because naturally that's the nanny's job. In Beverly Hills one also needs to be heavily armed and ready at any moment for home invaders. I'd be more worried about closet raiders, but you know if broke into Yolanda Foster's house I'd go straight for the Hermes belt collection. Just me?
We begin at Carlton Gebbia's house where she's hosting a party to promote naked girls. Carlton: the Playboy mansion you are not. Carlton's "nanny", who is never near children ever, which given her behavior is probably a good thing, helps choose exotic dancers to perform.
Carlton drones monotonously for the 400th time that she loves women. I am out of patience with this cougar-in-heat trying to be the Joe Francis of the middle-aged. I'm sure Carlton's daughters aren't embarrassed at allll to be seeing their mother's Sexford Wife shenanigans.
Brandi Glanville adopted a new dog named Buddy to distract her kids from Chica's disappearance. Brandi hates Buddy and complains that he wants to be near her. He peed on her bed – yeah that's annoying, but I'm sure Brandi has also peed on her bed in a drunken stupor.
You have to love Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'Lisa Vanderpump. She can throw shade with the best of them and still sound classy to boot. For example, in her Bravo blog this week she touts her extensive charity work while subtly scolding Kim Richards for calling her a liar for saying she couldn't attend her daughter's graduation because she was out of town. She also schools her Emily Post style. As for Brandi Glanville's behavior towards Joyce Giraud? Lisa couldn't be more appalled, but it's so understated, it's like the perfect strand of pearls.
Lisa begins by talking about traveling to St. Louis for her volunteer work–and Giggy's!–to reveal why she wasn't able to make Kimberly's graduation shindig. She writes, "Now Giggy is a personality in his own right, so I needed a charity that would fit his profile — and children with alopecia was a perfect match. Now can I compare Giggy's hair loss with that of a child's? Of course not, but I knew that Giggy could make a difference, bring some levity to what otherwise can be a somber affair. When Giggy appears and we talk with the children and teenagers — many of whom watch him every week, many had just seen him on Dancing With the Stars — the message is clear. Should alopecia stop you being the very best you can be? We asked the children if they thought he would be cuter with his fur. They unanimously answered no he was perfect, so then I gently remind them that is the way people feel about them."
She begins, "Carlton asked me and some of her other girlfriends to meet up for a pole dancing lesson before we went over to Kimberly's graduation party. Although Kim and I were not super close at this point, I honestly couldn't remember a time since I've known her that she had hosted anything, so I was definitely not going to miss it. Carlton had a few drinks before our class. I was not on the same level, but almost instantly I starting feeling dizzy and nauseous. I assumed it was motion sickness from the poles spinning. But later I spiked a fever and was throwing up for the next day-and-a-half, so I think its safe to assume I caught some sort of bug and it wasn't just motion sickness." Oh girl. I was born, but it wasn't yesterday!
Continuing, Brandi writes, "We head over to Kim's and I thought it might be a good idea to grab a burger before we went in to hopefully help Carlton sober up a bit and help me to stop feeling so crappy. I feel bad I was ill at Kim's house, but it really couldn't have been helped. It was better that we didn't stay anyhow because Joyce was there in some ridiculous get up and I didn't want to have a confrontation with Miss Attention Seeker a high school graduation party."
I have to admit that I listened to Brandi's podcast as soon as she shared it on Monday night at midnight. I listened to the interview in the first half of the show with new RHONY starKristen Taekman and there weren't any big revelations or any juicy tidbits, so I was going to skip the rest, but I got sidetracked while it kept playing in the background. The second half of Brandi's show was an interview with Jim Florentine and Don Jamieson from VH1 Classic's "That Metal Show". Brandi started off their interview showing her classy side. Joking about child molestation.
Taking to her Bravo blog, Jacqueline Joyce begins, "This week's episode was quite interesting for me to watch as I discovered hypocrisy at its maximum exposition. At the beginning of the episode it was interesting to see Carlton and Brandi in their element at the pole dancing. I can understand why they like each other so much," adding, "What I can't understand is how in the world was Carlton so offended that my husband joked about having a naked room when our babies grow up — yet this is pretty much her main storyline? How was she so offended when I spoke about my husband's manhood, yet she does the exact same thing? I wonder if she is getting inspired by the very same things she hates about me and decides to do them? Too much double standard, especially for someone who claims to be so spiritual and to love women." I have often wondered that myself!
Kim Richards' daughter Kimberly graduated from high school and Kim is hosting a big celebration party for her. To prepare Kim, Kyle Richards, Kimberly and one of Kyle's daughters meet up for manicures. And Kyle needs a bikini wax. Kim announces her "wiener" has already been waxed and is looking cute. Kim should probably just go ahead and call it a "whiner" instead.
Kyle prefers to label hers a "tweeter" because <stage whisper> 'vagina' is yucky. It's times like this I wish Brandi Glanville would pop up in the corner of the screen yelling, "VAGINA, Kyle – VAGINA!" just to make Kyle smack her with a caftan after covering her eyes with a haircape.
A salon employee tells Kyle she can have her tweetiewiener dyed. Kyle Freudian Slips and thinks the lady told her to put her vagina on a "diet". But! It's a size 4! Kim's tweeter is a size 0 because it hasn't been eating anything – well nothing except a little "lipstick" she elaborated. How many weight watchers points does a tweeter get?
Joyce Giraud and Brandi Glanville do. not. like each other. According to Joyce the two initially started off friendly-ish but then Brandi began stirring the pot and manipulating behind the scenes by using Joyce as the scapegoat.
First of all, Joyce says she had no intention of fighting with Brandi in interviews and on blogs while the show was airing. "When filming ended we were all in a better place and then after that she just started attacking again on social media," Joyce recounts, "which I think is crazy."
"I understand the dynamic of the show, and that it's dramatic and all of that," Joyce clarifies. For Joyce this season and filming with Brandi was a surreal experience with a lot of learning moments. "I've never dealt with behavior like hers before – it's just something that I wasn't used to," she explains.
Joyce also insists that the two started off getting along, but since all roads lead back to Richards their fighting started with Kyle and Kim.
Joyce Giraud is really getting off on the wrong foot with co-star Brandi Glanville. The two have been at odds since day one. Following this week's argument at Lisa Vanderpump's dinner party the two are still enemies.
"The entire table was defending and making excuses for Brandi's behavior, and while I do find it admirable to stand up for your friends, true friends also stand up when someone is being attacked for no reason," Joycewrites. "Being a good friend doesn't mean you have to always agree with someone's bad behavior."