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Brooks Ayers

If you were watching last week’s Real Housewives of Orange County, you know there was an quite the jaw dropping scene, and I’m not talking about Alexis Bellino’s birthday speech.  Vicki Gunvalson and newlywed daughter Briana Culberson got into quite the war of words regarding Vicki’s new beau Brooks Ayers and Briana’s new husband Ryan…you know, the guy who took Vicki’s one and only daughter to a drive-thru wedding chapel.  She just can’t get over that, can she?  Briana even goes as far as saying that her mother was having an emotional affair with Brooks while still married to Donn.  Vicki discusses the fight in this week’s Bravo blog:

When I was in Briana’s condo having this terribly heated discussion with her, I knew no matter what I said, I wasn’t going to convince her to accept Brooks and I dating. For that matter, no matter what she said was not going to convince me that marrying Ryan so quickly was the best decision either. I believe no matter who I was dating, she would have reacted the same way. It wasn’t Brooks in particular; it was me dating in general.

What you didn’t see is I left her home in tears, and just sat in the street and prayed, cried, and prayed some more. I realized it was not the end of the world if my daughter does not like the man I am dating.

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Well that was certainly shocking wasn’t it? Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County had it all. There were princesses, and puppies, and inappropriately placed speeches, and engagement rings, and diarrhea, and luxury bathrooms where champagne happened but diarrhea did not, and trains, and surgery, and there was also that fight where Briana Culberson called Vicki Gunvalson out on having an emotional affair. Yeah – so how ’bout that bombshell? Whew… I’m still speechless!

So where do we begin with these fine orange specimens of botoxed, bleached glory? Oh, yes we start at the Barbie-ests of them all’s house – Princess Alexis von Nosenjob Boobersmidts Tannorexia of Rent-a-mcmansions (aka Alexis Bellino) She’s a stunning example of a queenly and dignified life. Princess Von Boobersmidts is on the precipice of the entertainment event of the year. The grand gala of puppies and princesses. A ball where all the fairest, and grandest, and “wealthiest” come from miles around. Descending down the steps of their giant SUVs covered in glitter and filled with fillers. Oh, it’s an event to say the least.

Yes, Alexis is throwing a princess puppy party for her four-year-old twin daughters Melania and McKenna. Alexis has assistants and party planners and movers shuffling around giant ornate over-stuffed hideous rent-a-couches in order to make room for the bevvy of puppies that will be dropped onto the scene the next morning. In the middle of all of this our very busy princess takes a break for a statelyevening ritual… spray tanning. She’s so busy, but a lady is nothing without her orange glow.

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Well, it seems Mr. Hallmark has grown tired of filling the tank of Ms. Sugar Mama. Despite Vicki Gunvalson‘s protestations of everlasting love plus a lifetime supply of affirmations and Chicken Soup For The Real Housewives Soul, perhaps Brooks Ayers can take no more!

RadarOnline is reporting that Vicki’s tanks are running on empty again as Brooks has soured on the relationship because people started poking into his scamming ways. “Brooks is totally at the point of dumping Vicki,” a source reveals.

Unfortunately he has developed a nasty case of famewhoreitis, which as we know from Kim Kardashian is just almost incurable! “Problem is, he really enjoys all the fame and attention that goes with dating her, so looks like he will be hanging on for a little longer to milk it for all it’s worth.” Whoa- I guess he’s also developed a case of Slave Slimeys! Gloaming onto a reality star in the desperate hopes that you’ll procure a spinoff. Sadly, as we’ve learned from Slave it’s just as likely that someone will go digging around into your past and find even more incriminating stuff!

It seems Brooks has left his four children in Mississippi and has been living with Vicki, but her OCD ways are little too much for the walking Nicholas Sparks quotation to bear. “He recently relocated to Orange County to be closer to her and that’s proven to be a complete disaster. He says he feels constantly irritated and annoyed by her and finds her possessive and controlling,” the source dishes. So, when she started buying his clothes three months into the relationship that wasn’t a sign?

“But, he loves being in the spotlight and really wants more fame for himself, and let’s face it, he’s not going to get that if he splits up with her right now.” Conundrum!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County I finally was able to see discernible evidence that Briana Wolfsmith is indeed Vicki Gunvalson‘s daughter. Last night, there were boobs and people acting like boobs, there was wine and people whining, and there was cheese and Brooks Ayers and well…it doesn’t get anymore cheesy than him! I don’t even know what to say about that one – except he isn’t dabombdotcom!

Things began with Vicki and Tamra Barney shopping for new bras. Tamra is excited to get sized for her new titties and is completely disheartened to learn she’s still a D. Apparently European sizes are failing her. whaaa-whaaa. Even more upsetting, Vicki is a DOUBLE F. Yes, FF! For Freaking Frazy!

Vicki and Tamra are in a tizzy until they see how sensational their boobies look in the new bras. Vicki scoffs that she hates really huge boobs, which is why she chastised Tamra for getting a reduction?

Tamra races over to the bridal lingerie section and practically bellows, ‘LOOK VICKI – FOR BRIANA!’ while Vicki is like, ‘shhhhh shhhhhhhhh – I don’t want anyone to know! I’m so embarrassed!’ Tamra reveals Vicki has told her about Briana’s elopement and she understands why Vicki is upset. Then Vicki starts freaking out about how HER life is ruined because SHE doesn’t get to throw a wedding or a shower or buy a dress. And the wedding is about HER! Tamra worries Briana may have made a mistake.

Vicki intones that if she doesn’t support Briana, she will lose her so she has to pretend she is OK with these surprise nuptials. Even though she wants to strangle Ryan – but only once she convinces him to get an insurance policy in Briana’s name. Ok, I made that last part up. Vicki would never strangle anyone. Coto Insurance providing your family and loved ones with IRAs and all your insurance needs!

I can understand Vicki‘s point; a wedding, whether anyone wants to admit it or not, is more than just the bride and every mother does want to plan a dream day for her daughter. Perhaps Vicki is shell-shocked, but I do think she’s over-reacting just a tad. Especially since Briana told her she did in fact want a wedding. Vicki needs to pay a visit to her shrink, get a Xanax Rx and go sit by the pool for a while downing some WinesbyWives approved libations. Then when she’s ready to act normal-ish she can return to society and be supportive.

Moving on, Slave Smiley is strapping on some spandex – hot (not!) – and going for a bike ride with Gretchen Rossi‘s dad. One needs a full-on racing ensemble to cruise around the local park? Good to know… Slave has something very, very important to ask Papa Rossi.

Gretchen is also preparing – she’s been doing so since 8am when she woke up and it’s now lunchtime. She’s getting ready for lunch with Tamra. Good lord – how long do you think Gretchen spends applying make-up and styling her hair each day? It must be in the double digit hours. It takes a lot of time to look that cheap! Gretchen has something to talk to her new bestest friend and closest confidante about.

And she hopes Tamra and Slavey will become close as well. When hell freezes over, friend, when hell freezes over. And ironically that’s about when Gretchen is going to shimmy into a big white dress and waltz down the aisle to bid her ‘I Dos!’ to Slave!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County it was all about Gretchen Christine. She’s got a zillion careers. One of them, is unfortunately singing, which she can’t actually do, and another one is dating Slade Smiley, which is really just an unnecessary side-job she should quit.

Well, Gretchen Christine is quite the fair-weather friend isn’t she? So, she arrives at Alexis Bellino‘s latest rent-a-mcmansion and plops her Gretchen Christine handbag on the counter and starts doing the QVC descriptor hands over the intricately designed leatherette flower, while Lex oooohhhs and aaaahhhs. This is taking the Bravo Home Shopping Network a touch too far. Quick question: Anybody out there sporting one of those jalopies? Yeah, didn’t think so!

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This season of Real Housewives of Orange County has been the equivalent of friendships in a blender, as the ladies have swapped buddies, traded aliases, and gotten us all mixed up with the flavors! First, Tamra Barney and Gretchen Rossi became BFFLs, bonding over blowjob helpers and bad dye jobs. And now, Alexis Bellino and Vicki Gunvulson have apparently discovered they have much more in common than their television jobs—the Bravo one, obviously, not the newscastering one.

While it’s no stretch to see Tamretchen joined at the hip and cackling, Vicki and Alexis (Vilexis?) are quite the odd couple. But apparently, Paula Abdul was right and opposites attract.

Taking to her Bravo Blog, Alexis explains how she and Vicki went from enemies, to frienemies, to friends. “The friendship between Vicki and I wasn’t immediate. It has taken three years for Vicki and I to GROW into our friendship. Yes, Vicki said some mean things about me in the past, and yes I wasn’t always the kindest to her. However, we have both been very open about the fact that we wanted to try to make amends over three years, NOT OVERNIGHT!”

And, of course, their former best friends defecting to enemy lines had absolutely nothing to do with Vilexis’ bond. “Vicki and I were trying to make amends last year, before Tamra ever thought about scheming a friendship with Gretchen, so don’t let Tamra or Gretchen fool you that Vicki and I are only friends because those two became friends.”

“The friendship between Vicki and I is not out of convenience, nor is it contrived. Vicki and I have both said we have nothing to dislike the other person for, and we really enjoy being around each other,” Alexis adds. “Not only that, but Vicki apologized to me for everything in the past and said that if Tamra hadn’t been in her ear she would have gotten to know me and befriended me sooner.”

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Tamra Barney got her titties (not to be confused with tits) reduced, Vicki Gunvalson ran like the devil from a white trash harlot itching for a fight. Gretchen Rossi‘s singing caused me to pause the television so I could belly laugh for approximately five minutes. And Heather Dubrow hosted a bowling party … which got quite dramatic.

Things start out with our fair maiden Tamra visiting the manor atop a hill overlooking the sea. No this isn’t Once Upon A Time, it’s still RHOC and Tamra is merely visiting Heather‘s house. She muses about the view while gulping over the sheer abundance. See, unlike the ladies of RHOBH Tamra isn’t used to such opulence or actual wealth.

Heather calms Tammie Sue down by pouring wine down her throat and then announces she is hosting a bowling and champs party. Except champs is pronounced shamps. Heather finds this to be a clever thing to do and is quite amused with herself for coming up with another unconventional party to keep the ladies on their toes. She loves mixing the up with the down and the fun with the irregular – like taking a helicopter to LA for the day, for instance. She cited that as an actual example.

Heather reveals her true motivation is not to show off her quirky, yet classy, party planning techniques but to get the girls together to mend fences. And there went the class she was anticipating – out the window, over the cliffs, and right on into the Pacific. Maybe some lifeguard will pick it up down in Juarez (if the ocean current even runs that way – geography eludes me).

Tamra gulps back her wine, smiles a tense smile, and comments that, like, Vicki and Gretchen kind of hate each other. Heather smiles, nods, and is like ‘duh, that’s the point!’ in response. Heather has the oddest smile doesn’t she? It’s like the Chesire Cat grin with no teeth? I’m not the only one seeing this, am I? Maybe I shouldn’t drink wine and watch HW?

One other small snafu – Tamra will not be able to attend. She’s getting her titties reduced that week and will be out for the count. No bowling and champers for this girl. Too bad, cause I bet Tammie Sue had a mean strike back in ’85 when she was the hook-up queen of BFE, Idaho or wherever she’s from. All big hair and bigger balls. But not quite those big bazoonkas – those came later when she became the hook-up queen of ’98 in Orange County.

Tamra and Heather talk Brooks Ayers and Vicki. Tamra, proving she’s a good friend, is worried for Vicki because she thinks Brooks is a little like a shark who smells blood in the water and is swooping in for the kill. He senses that Vicki is vulnerable and tired of her love tank running on fumes, so he’s saying anything in his power to sweet talk the little rich desperada.

Proving just that, Brooks and Vicki do lunch and he opens the date with a card. Is this man keeping Hallmark in business or what? Does Vicki need a storage unit to house all those affirmations? Does she have a special box devoted to the cards that reassure her she does not look like Miss Piggy? Vicki says Brooks wants to move here, but is worried about leaving his children behind.

Anyway, Vicki and Brooks talk their love and it’s gross and I’m glad I wasn’t eating alongside them cause I would have surely asked for a doggybag and high tailed it out of there. Then Brooks asks Vicki what assets she’s getting in the divorce from Donn. That was so awkward. You know Bravo forced him to bring that up. She’s getting the big house, the house Jeana sold her that has tanked in value because Slave‘s stuff was hogging up the garage for close to a decade, and her retirement fund. Donn gets the beach house. And the dog.

Vicki tells us their love is a beautiful, fun ride down a winding scenic road and she is so thrilled that all her tanks are full. ALL her tanks? Is she the Starship Enterprise? She has reserve fuel now? Then she admits Brooks has access to all her accounts – email, banking, off-shore savings, whatever. A fun ride indeed – Vicki’s bank account is about to be as empty as her love tank. She loves that Brooks is romantical, unlike Donn who didn’t blow the mortgage payment on greeting cards. Loser. Tamra is right – this reeks of disaster!

Heather completes a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invitation. Alexis can’t come ’cause she can’t bend over due to her nose job recovery. And Gretchen‘s voicemail insists you call Slave if you want to get a hold of her. So, lemme get this straight – Slave doesn’t work for Gretch, yet he fields her calls and deals with all her requests? Cause that sounds like what a personal assistant does? Is he her Slaveretary?

Alexis Bellino can’t bend over, but she can embarrass herself on the news. Seriously – was this Fox5′s idea of a practical joke? She does her make-up in the public restroom, then rushes out on stage and flubs one of the guest’s names. I kept waiting for her to mispronounce Adriana as areola or something. Then she kept interrupting the panel – which was on kids – and treating it as her own personal therapy session.

Surely this woman is not being paid? Alexis, proving that all the peroxide hair dying has destroyed the few brain cells she ever had, reveals that she wants her own show and she is, like, totally qualified because she took a journalism class in college. First of all – she went to college? AHA! AHA HA! Yeah, Not buying that! Second of all – remember all that stuff that was supposedly removed from her sinuses? I’m pretty sure those were actually her three remaining brain cells.

And all roads apparently lead to delusion tonight, because Gretchen is in the car with Slave driving to a voice coach for her Pussycat Dolls Appearance. Didn’t you know – they’re like a world-renowned dance troupe? Anyway, she’s on the phone telling someone that she strained her vocal chords screaming at Vicki and they’ve never recovered.

At the voice lesson she cannot even muster a chord. Nor is she allowed to speak to the vocal coach because Slave keeps interrupting to explain that Gretchen shouldn’t talk cause she’s straining her voice. Who else thinks he’s just trying to shut her up? Seriously – both of them please play the silent game. For the rest of the season.

Then Gretch starts practicing her scales. And all I can say is that vocal coach’s facial expressions made last night’s episode all worth it for me. That “singing” was like an American Idol reject audition. Oh, holy it was bad. Worse than bad. It was … wow – I don’t have words.

Alexis and her king do dinner. It’s date night! So Jim Bellino ruins it by telling Alexis her job is pathetic and she should basically stay at home in rent-a-mcmansion of the week and wash dishes. Right after Alexis gets done talking about how proud she is that she helped provide for her family in a bad economy while Jim’s scamming suffered and how she is so happy they could work together; Jim reminds her that when they married they became the same flesh. Except her half of the flesh does a lot of cleaning and not a lot of bread-winning.

He then tells her that while Alexis Couture is still pretty much a joke, it can stay if she continues running it from the basement, but Fox 5 needs to go. According to him Alexis only agreed to do it because she has a hard time telling people no. Clearly she would rather be at home hard-boiling eggs. Alexis is furious and retaliates by savagely chomping her poor french fry.

Oh Jim. Remember when you swore that you were not going to appear on camera because this show made you look bad? Well, perhaps you should revisit that proclamation because once again you are looking like a misogynistic ass. Although, a part of me believes he just wants Alexis to save herself the embarrassment of further faux newscastering. Good lord – she is awful! Maybe it was goodness and kindness and love that made him tell her to quit. Or maybe he was mortified by her weekly news cameltoe and cleavage display.

Poor Alexis squeakingly admits in her ITM that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. Then she looks around to check if Jim is lurking behind her eavesdropping. You make that money girl – you need it to pay for the divorce attorney!

Tammie Sue is getting her old titties yanked out in exchange for some natural-sized boobies. She’s nervous as heck, but it’s sure as hell better than keeping the boobs Simon forced her to get. I like her style. She can wrap up the old implants and send them to Simon for Christmas. Eddie has serious concerns about these new so-called small boobs, but Tamra is resolved.

And reason no 6,476 why I wouldn’t be on a reality show: being contractually obligated to participate in post-op filming. <<shudder>> After calling Vicki, who is too busy raising money to pay for Donn‘s alimony and Brooks‘ child support working, here comes Gretchy, sucking up. Gretchen could come ’cause she has no job to speak of. I thought she wasn’t allowed to talk? She reapplies Tamra’s lipgloss, which is apparently more necessary than water, and whips out a bottle of Penis Tequila.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies got to mudslinging, only this time it involved actual mud for a change! In other news, Tamra Barney is officially divorced and Vicki Gunvalson is officially the most insecure fifty-year-old I’ve ever encountered. Oh, and Alexis Bellino revealed her new nose, which we’ve already seen 10,000 times before, so that was no big whoo-hoo.

Things start out with the Queen of the OC and resident class act, Heather Dubrow taking her husband shopping. Apparently, this is What Not To Wear, the Dr. Dubrow edition. Sadly, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly did not appear with a bevy of secret footage and a red trash can. Hopefully they’re saving that for Vicki, but I digress.

Terry does need a make-over and hopefully David Austin, world’s greatest clothier in all the world will help him – for a cool $50k. “You’re gonna look mmmaaaavalous!;” Heather purs; prying Terry’s wallet from his shaking hands with a malicious glint in her eye. Terry will no longer embarrass his perfect wife at cocktail parties with his outmoded and pedestrian appearance. Oh no – there is a new Terry in town and this one has both black and white tie attire!

I must admit – it’s nice to see some old-school traditional HW action of spending ostentatious amounts of money and actually being able afford it. We hope… . If they declare bankruptcy next year, we’ll know they’ve been struck by the Teresa Giudice curse!

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