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Brooks Ayers

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County it was all about Gretchen Christine. She’s got a zillion careers. One of them, is unfortunately singing, which she can’t actually do, and another one is dating Slade Smiley, which is really just an unnecessary side-job she should quit.

Well, Gretchen Christine is quite the fair-weather friend isn’t she? So, she arrives at Alexis Bellino‘s latest rent-a-mcmansion and plops her Gretchen Christine handbag on the counter and starts doing the QVC descriptor hands over the intricately designed leatherette flower, while Lex oooohhhs and aaaahhhs. This is taking the Bravo Home Shopping Network a touch too far. Quick question: Anybody out there sporting one of those jalopies? Yeah, didn’t think so!

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This season of Real Housewives of Orange County has been the equivalent of friendships in a blender, as the ladies have swapped buddies, traded aliases, and gotten us all mixed up with the flavors! First, Tamra Barney and Gretchen Rossi became BFFLs, bonding over blowjob helpers and bad dye jobs. And now, Alexis Bellino and Vicki Gunvulson have apparently discovered they have much more in common than their television jobs—the Bravo one, obviously, not the newscastering one.

While it’s no stretch to see Tamretchen joined at the hip and cackling, Vicki and Alexis (Vilexis?) are quite the odd couple. But apparently, Paula Abdul was right and opposites attract.

Taking to her Bravo Blog, Alexis explains how she and Vicki went from enemies, to frienemies, to friends. “The friendship between Vicki and I wasn’t immediate. It has taken three years for Vicki and I to GROW into our friendship. Yes, Vicki said some mean things about me in the past, and yes I wasn’t always the kindest to her. However, we have both been very open about the fact that we wanted to try to make amends over three years, NOT OVERNIGHT!”

And, of course, their former best friends defecting to enemy lines had absolutely nothing to do with Vilexis’ bond. “Vicki and I were trying to make amends last year, before Tamra ever thought about scheming a friendship with Gretchen, so don’t let Tamra or Gretchen fool you that Vicki and I are only friends because those two became friends.”

“The friendship between Vicki and I is not out of convenience, nor is it contrived. Vicki and I have both said we have nothing to dislike the other person for, and we really enjoy being around each other,” Alexis adds. “Not only that, but Vicki apologized to me for everything in the past and said that if Tamra hadn’t been in her ear she would have gotten to know me and befriended me sooner.”

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Tamra Barney got her titties (not to be confused with tits) reduced, Vicki Gunvalson ran like the devil from a white trash harlot itching for a fight. Gretchen Rossi‘s singing caused me to pause the television so I could belly laugh for approximately five minutes. And Heather Dubrow hosted a bowling party … which got quite dramatic.

Things start out with our fair maiden Tamra visiting the manor atop a hill overlooking the sea. No this isn’t Once Upon A Time, it’s still RHOC and Tamra is merely visiting Heather‘s house. She muses about the view while gulping over the sheer abundance. See, unlike the ladies of RHOBH Tamra isn’t used to such opulence or actual wealth.

Heather calms Tammie Sue down by pouring wine down her throat and then announces she is hosting a bowling and champs party. Except champs is pronounced shamps. Heather finds this to be a clever thing to do and is quite amused with herself for coming up with another unconventional party to keep the ladies on their toes. She loves mixing the up with the down and the fun with the irregular – like taking a helicopter to LA for the day, for instance. She cited that as an actual example.

Heather reveals her true motivation is not to show off her quirky, yet classy, party planning techniques but to get the girls together to mend fences. And there went the class she was anticipating – out the window, over the cliffs, and right on into the Pacific. Maybe some lifeguard will pick it up down in Juarez (if the ocean current even runs that way – geography eludes me).

Tamra gulps back her wine, smiles a tense smile, and comments that, like, Vicki and Gretchen kind of hate each other. Heather smiles, nods, and is like ‘duh, that’s the point!’ in response. Heather has the oddest smile doesn’t she? It’s like the Chesire Cat grin with no teeth? I’m not the only one seeing this, am I? Maybe I shouldn’t drink wine and watch HW?

One other small snafu – Tamra will not be able to attend. She’s getting her titties reduced that week and will be out for the count. No bowling and champers for this girl. Too bad, cause I bet Tammie Sue had a mean strike back in ’85 when she was the hook-up queen of BFE, Idaho or wherever she’s from. All big hair and bigger balls. But not quite those big bazoonkas – those came later when she became the hook-up queen of ’98 in Orange County.

Tamra and Heather talk Brooks Ayers and Vicki. Tamra, proving she’s a good friend, is worried for Vicki because she thinks Brooks is a little like a shark who smells blood in the water and is swooping in for the kill. He senses that Vicki is vulnerable and tired of her love tank running on fumes, so he’s saying anything in his power to sweet talk the little rich desperada.

Proving just that, Brooks and Vicki do lunch and he opens the date with a card. Is this man keeping Hallmark in business or what? Does Vicki need a storage unit to house all those affirmations? Does she have a special box devoted to the cards that reassure her she does not look like Miss Piggy? Vicki says Brooks wants to move here, but is worried about leaving his children behind.

Anyway, Vicki and Brooks talk their love and it’s gross and I’m glad I wasn’t eating alongside them cause I would have surely asked for a doggybag and high tailed it out of there. Then Brooks asks Vicki what assets she’s getting in the divorce from Donn. That was so awkward. You know Bravo forced him to bring that up. She’s getting the big house, the house Jeana sold her that has tanked in value because Slave‘s stuff was hogging up the garage for close to a decade, and her retirement fund. Donn gets the beach house. And the dog.

Vicki tells us their love is a beautiful, fun ride down a winding scenic road and she is so thrilled that all her tanks are full. ALL her tanks? Is she the Starship Enterprise? She has reserve fuel now? Then she admits Brooks has access to all her accounts – email, banking, off-shore savings, whatever. A fun ride indeed – Vicki’s bank account is about to be as empty as her love tank. She loves that Brooks is romantical, unlike Donn who didn’t blow the mortgage payment on greeting cards. Loser. Tamra is right – this reeks of disaster!

Heather completes a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invitation. Alexis can’t come ’cause she can’t bend over due to her nose job recovery. And Gretchen‘s voicemail insists you call Slave if you want to get a hold of her. So, lemme get this straight – Slave doesn’t work for Gretch, yet he fields her calls and deals with all her requests? Cause that sounds like what a personal assistant does? Is he her Slaveretary?

Alexis Bellino can’t bend over, but she can embarrass herself on the news. Seriously – was this Fox5′s idea of a practical joke? She does her make-up in the public restroom, then rushes out on stage and flubs one of the guest’s names. I kept waiting for her to mispronounce Adriana as areola or something. Then she kept interrupting the panel – which was on kids – and treating it as her own personal therapy session.

Surely this woman is not being paid? Alexis, proving that all the peroxide hair dying has destroyed the few brain cells she ever had, reveals that she wants her own show and she is, like, totally qualified because she took a journalism class in college. First of all – she went to college? AHA! AHA HA! Yeah, Not buying that! Second of all – remember all that stuff that was supposedly removed from her sinuses? I’m pretty sure those were actually her three remaining brain cells.

And all roads apparently lead to delusion tonight, because Gretchen is in the car with Slave driving to a voice coach for her Pussycat Dolls Appearance. Didn’t you know – they’re like a world-renowned dance troupe? Anyway, she’s on the phone telling someone that she strained her vocal chords screaming at Vicki and they’ve never recovered.

At the voice lesson she cannot even muster a chord. Nor is she allowed to speak to the vocal coach because Slave keeps interrupting to explain that Gretchen shouldn’t talk cause she’s straining her voice. Who else thinks he’s just trying to shut her up? Seriously – both of them please play the silent game. For the rest of the season.

Then Gretch starts practicing her scales. And all I can say is that vocal coach’s facial expressions made last night’s episode all worth it for me. That “singing” was like an American Idol reject audition. Oh, holy it was bad. Worse than bad. It was … wow – I don’t have words.

Alexis and her king do dinner. It’s date night! So Jim Bellino ruins it by telling Alexis her job is pathetic and she should basically stay at home in rent-a-mcmansion of the week and wash dishes. Right after Alexis gets done talking about how proud she is that she helped provide for her family in a bad economy while Jim’s scamming suffered and how she is so happy they could work together; Jim reminds her that when they married they became the same flesh. Except her half of the flesh does a lot of cleaning and not a lot of bread-winning.

He then tells her that while Alexis Couture is still pretty much a joke, it can stay if she continues running it from the basement, but Fox 5 needs to go. According to him Alexis only agreed to do it because she has a hard time telling people no. Clearly she would rather be at home hard-boiling eggs. Alexis is furious and retaliates by savagely chomping her poor french fry.

Oh Jim. Remember when you swore that you were not going to appear on camera because this show made you look bad? Well, perhaps you should revisit that proclamation because once again you are looking like a misogynistic ass. Although, a part of me believes he just wants Alexis to save herself the embarrassment of further faux newscastering. Good lord – she is awful! Maybe it was goodness and kindness and love that made him tell her to quit. Or maybe he was mortified by her weekly news cameltoe and cleavage display.

Poor Alexis squeakingly admits in her ITM that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. Then she looks around to check if Jim is lurking behind her eavesdropping. You make that money girl – you need it to pay for the divorce attorney!

Tammie Sue is getting her old titties yanked out in exchange for some natural-sized boobies. She’s nervous as heck, but it’s sure as hell better than keeping the boobs Simon forced her to get. I like her style. She can wrap up the old implants and send them to Simon for Christmas. Eddie has serious concerns about these new so-called small boobs, but Tamra is resolved.

And reason no 6,476 why I wouldn’t be on a reality show: being contractually obligated to participate in post-op filming. <<shudder>> After calling Vicki, who is too busy raising money to pay for Donn‘s alimony and Brooks‘ child support working, here comes Gretchy, sucking up. Gretchen could come ’cause she has no job to speak of. I thought she wasn’t allowed to talk? She reapplies Tamra’s lipgloss, which is apparently more necessary than water, and whips out a bottle of Penis Tequila.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies got to mudslinging, only this time it involved actual mud for a change! In other news, Tamra Barney is officially divorced and Vicki Gunvalson is officially the most insecure fifty-year-old I’ve ever encountered. Oh, and Alexis Bellino revealed her new nose, which we’ve already seen 10,000 times before, so that was no big whoo-hoo.

Things start out with the Queen of the OC and resident class act, Heather Dubrow taking her husband shopping. Apparently, this is What Not To Wear, the Dr. Dubrow edition. Sadly, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly did not appear with a bevy of secret footage and a red trash can. Hopefully they’re saving that for Vicki, but I digress.

Terry does need a make-over and hopefully David Austin, world’s greatest clothier in all the world will help him – for a cool $50k. “You’re gonna look mmmaaaavalous!;” Heather purs; prying Terry’s wallet from his shaking hands with a malicious glint in her eye. Terry will no longer embarrass his perfect wife at cocktail parties with his outmoded and pedestrian appearance. Oh no – there is a new Terry in town and this one has both black and white tie attire!

I must admit – it’s nice to see some old-school traditional HW action of spending ostentatious amounts of money and actually being able afford it. We hope… . If they declare bankruptcy next year, we’ll know they’ve been struck by the Teresa Giudice curse!

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was kinda boring, no? Alexis and Briana got surgery. Tamra discovered Simon is finally ready to let her be the free bitch she was meant to be – but she’s not sure she’s ready to live a life unfettered. Tamra and Vicki join Heather in LA where she is embarking upon a restaurant venture.

Things started out with Tamra paying a visit to her plastic surgeon, Dr. Ambae. Has anyone else noticed the Housewives always hug their doctors – who hugs their doctors? I’ve never hugged any of mine, but I guess if I were as reliant on my plastic surgeons as they are, it may be a different story. OR if my doctor was Paul, because I love him.

Anyway, Tamra wants to get her breasts reduced. Now that she is no longer beholden to Simon and his ideals about her body, she wants a smaller, less cumbersome rack. We get a close-up montage of Tamra’s old DDs and frankly, who wants to see a close up of wrinkled, spray-tanned cleavage? Dr. Ambae examines Tamra’s boobs and determines she has a lot of natural breast tissue so she can likely get the reduction done without adding smaller implants to fill things out. Tamra explains that those babies never stop growing! Third boobs, third marriage!

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I think it’s fair to say that Alexis Bellino and Gretchen Rossis friendship is over. The two have squared off all season and this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County featured a pretty heated exchange between the two former besties about loyalty and friendship responsibilities.

In fact, the in-fighting and fragmentation of former friends has equaled a big ratings jump for Bravo’s least watched Housewives series! LALate News is reporting that Tuesday’s episode was the number five most watched cable show for 18-49 year-olds and garnered 2.1 million viewers. Pretty solid!

Proving that big animosity means big drama, Alexis shares her perspective in her Bravo Blog. And, Alexis all but declares her friendship to Gretchen over! Clearly, Alexis has not moved past Gretchen outing her nose job to enemy, Tamra Barney! “Why would Gretchen even mention my surgery to that group? What purpose did that serve? How foolish and juvenile!,” Alexis seethes.

“First off, it’s no one else’s business what procedure I’m getting done. Why does everyone seem so interested in my personal life when I’m not including them in it? Yes, I have been talking about a nose job for years, but I have NEVER HAD THE NERVE TO DO IT!”

“So when Tamra says ‘Just own it,’ HELLO! I am owning it. I’m doing the procedure on national television. . .I don’t think there is any hiding in that!;” Alexis reminds us.

And as to allegations that she was being defensive, she is owning that too! “Yes, I’m defensive because all of you are talking about me! That would make anyone defensive, and frankly, buzz off! I’m not looking for a fight.”

“The most difficult part of this entire evening is seeing Gretchen turn on me. Last year she would have stood up for me if Tamra was attacking me,” Alexis declares.

“I have been by Gretchen’s side for two years now. Gretchen says she didn’t get involved because I was handling myself just fine, and that I never got in the middle of she and Tamra. I spent numerous occasions defending Gretchen to Tamra, especially in group settings.”

“The bottom line is, if anyone I knew, friend or not, was talking about Gretchen the way Tamra was talking about me that night, I would have defended Gretchen. I knew at that moment I was on my own island. It really hurts my heart to know that I don’t have Gretchen to back me. Only time will tell if our friendship can sustain.”

Jim Bellino is also getting in on the action to defend his wife. The retired Househusband took to his personal blog to explain how loyalty works and describe how certain people haven’t figured it out yet!

“The major difference between real life and reality TV is that in real life, what someone thinks about you either never gets back to you, or it takes a while—it’s part of a social process that takes time and many leaky sources. On reality TV, you find out fast—and it’s brutal, and there are no holds barred,” Jim explains.

“Loyalties become extra fickle when there’s a third party helping viewers decide what to think,” Jim assets. “How people on reality TV treat one another changes every episode. How can this be?”

“How cast mates regard each other in their private interviews changes more than the weather—and what’s worse, some of the audience watching the show changes their opinion of someone based on what their favorite cast mate on the show says.” I hate to say it, but, Jim makes a lot of good points in his blog. Who’s really writing them, Jim?

“Loyalty is nine-tenths of the law—Alexis and I are not interested in bandwagon friends, and you shouldn’t be either,” Jim concludes.

Finally, Vicki Gunvalson is speaking out about the horrendous fight she had with on-and-off-camera nemesis, Gretchen. “My thought on the never-ending bunco episode is “true embarrassment.” Am I disgusted at myself and how I lost my temper with Gretchen and Slade [Smiley]? One word — absolutely!;” Vicki starts off explaining in her Bravo blog.

And, Vicki is wasting no time explaining the difference between Brooks Ayers‘ child support arrest and Slade’s! “Gretchen and Slade were both just trying to make a case for their innocence for Slade’s past child support issues.”

“Fact is, once they found out that Brooks had been arrested for back child support several years ago, they felt it was a way to make Slade look better or equal by bringing Brooks into it.” Really, there is no way to make a deadbeat dad “look better” – it’s scummy no matter which way you spin it, ladies!

“Instead of questioning Brooks directly, they decided to attack me when I was most vulnerable and going through a very rough time in my life,” Vicki shares. Which is interesting considering Gretchen was complaining that Vicki has never directly asked her about Slade’s issues.

Giving some background on why she does not get along with Slade, Vicki reveals it all goes back to the beginning of Housewives time. “The issue with Slade and myself stems back all the way to Season 1 seven years ago when he was dating Jo [de la Rosa]. He lied about dating Lauri [Waring] after Jo and him broke up, and he treated all the ladies like we were second class citizens or beneath him.”

“When Tamra and I called Slade a deadbeat dad several years ago, it was because of him bashing us on and off camera and it was our way of getting back to him where it hurt.”

“I have kept trying to see the “good” in Slade and move on, however he just keeps stirring things up. Why does he continue to stir up trouble? What other man does that to women?,” she wonders. “I really think he thrives on the drama so he gets more airtime.”

“Brooks has never, nor would he ever, verbally attack a woman. . .EVER. One word comes to mind that I think Slade should consider is — chivalry. Where I come from and how I was raised, men are to treat women with respect and class. This is something Slade doesn’t seem to be able to do. You either have it or you don’t.”

“Slade you might want to take some lessons from Brooks, Jim, Eddie [Judge], Terry [Dubrow], and the previous male RHOC-ers who have never verbally attacked a women.” Dang, pretty harsh, albeit true!

Vicki makes it clear she has not made amends with the serial Housewives schtuper. “Class, integrity, and character are something you cannot buy or wish for. . .you either have it or you don’t and for Slade to do what he did in front of 300 people was disgusting and made me very sad.”

Vicki is also speaking out defending herself for attending Bunco night and appearing on film in the midst of daughter, Briana Wolfsmith‘s, health issues. Taking to Twitter, Vicki explains she has had a surprisingly low profile during filming! “The family emergency was my first priority and I stopped filming much of the time. Briana was my 1st priority an always will be,” she insisted.

ARE ALEXIS AND GRETCHEN STILL FRIENDS? DOES JIM HAVE A POINT ABOUT REALITY TV LOYALTY? IS VICKI A HYPOCRITE OR DOES SHE MAKE SOME FAIR POINTS ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BROOKS AND SLADE?


Well, the eighties happened and then they came back to haunt us. Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County might as well have been titled ‘What The Eff?’ I have no idea what was going on, either in the show or in Vicki’s head. There were so many meltdowns I couldn’t keep track! There was whining, crying, and screaming everywhere I turned. The only person not acting insane was the person about to undergo surgery to remove potentially cancerous tumors! Why is Briana a zillion times more mature than a pack of women twice her age?

Things begin at Tamra‘s ’80s themed Bunco party. The guys arrive all in period themed costumes; Slave stole Billy Ray Cyrus’ mullet, Eddie looks silly, and Terry bought his wig at Dollar General. It was fun. Vicki immediately freaked out upon seeing Slade and went off the deep-end. Tamra tried to include Brooks, but he couldn’t come. Alexis was pissed because Jim wasn’t invited–because no one likes him–although, Tamra claims he didn’t want to participate.

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Tamra Barney is officially confirming she is engaged!

In the latest issue of Us Weekly magazine, the Real Housewives of Orange County star opens up about her recent engagement to beau of 2 years, Eddie Judge.

Tamra, 44, reveals Eddie, 39, proposed to her during a romantic trip to Bora Bora, Mexico in February. Tamra reveals she “was shocked” though she had a hunch Eddie was getting ready to propose.

And, upon their return home, Eddie had another surprise up his sleeve. “Eddie reproposed to me in front of the children (Ryan Vieth, 23, her son from her first marriage, and young kids Sidney, Spencer and Sophia with second ex-husband Simon),” reveals Tamra. “And my answer was, ‘Yes, we will marry you!’”

A PHOTO of Tamra’s diamond engagement ring is below! You can read more about Tamra and Eddie’s engagement in UsWeekly.

Tamra is twice divorce, just having finalized her latest divorce with ex-husband Simon Barney last October.

Moving on to Slade Smiley and Vicki Gunvalson, following their nasty blowout during ’80s night from hell! Further proving the truth is not her strong suit, Gretchen Rossi stated that while Vicki’s beau Brooks Ayers has been arrested for not paying child support, Slade has not.

While, we can all agree that Vicki is a major hypocrite for slamming Slade, only to date Slade Sr. Brooks, Gretchen fibbed when she said Slade had never been arrested for child support issues. And during her appearance on Watch What Happens Live last night, Vicki called out Slade for having been arrested back in 2009.

And folks, Vicki’s right! According to this report by TMZ, Slade was indeed arrested back in February 2009 and held on $10,000 bail for failure to pay child support. His mugshot is below.

In fact, Slade himself released a statement acknowledging both the arrest and that he had fallen behind on child support payments for his son Grayson. So, I’m not quite sure why Gretchen felt the need to lie about this issue or any of the other million issues she’s lied about.

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON TAMRA’S ENGAGEMENT & RING? DO YOU THINK THEY’LL LAST? THOUGHTS ON GRETCHEN LYING ABOUT SLADE’S ARREST?

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