Last night the Below Deck disasters got a new drill sergeant to whip them in to shape when Captain Lee surprised them by bringing EJ on board as the brand new bosun. He might be all “cool beans” and chipper smiles, but he’s using those tow lines as a whip faster than Chris Brown can say “Booooooze.”
Something about EJ is a little smarmy and shifty. Also insincere and hollow. Is he a robot? He seems to be relishing his role as savior of the Valor’s honor. He doesn’t have crazy eyes, but overly-intense eyes. He reminds me of Captain Dan from Forrest Gump maybe? This season is just too weird in general; nothing about casting makes much sense.
So, after a night of partying the crew is up and att’em to clean Valor, except for Chris Brown, who can’t be bothered to shove a mop while complaining about how hung over he is. Nico Scholly is pissed, and first thing in the morning while nursing the booze blues is no time to be angry.
Ugh – what can even be said about last night’s Below Deck, except Disco makes more sense? I mean, Kate Chastain is in a cult and gone mad, Chris Brown is absolutely bafflingly sucky, and everyone wants Brianna Adekeye to suck their summin-summin.
With one charter out the door, the crew is in da club and Jen Howell is in the cups. Actually, she’s in the jungle juice and drowning in it. Jen’s messiness is also messing up Kate’s ‘date’ with sexy Aqua Jesus, who truth be told is just OOOOKaaay looking, but Kate has some weird taste in significant others, to say the least! With someone else assuming responsibility for Jen – for once! – Kate and J2.0 depart for his heavenly waters. “What would Jesus do?” Kate says, “Me.” Indeed.
The Vanderpump Rules spin off series with Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright has been tough on their relationship. With a show that’s centered around the couple, it’s inevitable that every single argument and offhand comment is going to make it into the episodes. Plus, they don’t have the 343 Vanderpump Rules cast members to hide behind.
Not only that, but there’s just no way that Jax insisting that Brittany has “lost her spark” so many times is not going to be featured. Jax had to answer a lot of tough questions from Andy Cohen when he appeared on Watch What Happens Live. Well, they weren’t exactly challenging questions to answer, but Andy definitely didn’t go easy on Jax.
Unfortunately for Kate Chastain and Nico Scholly they have to deal with difficult crew members in addition to high maintenance charter guests this season on Below Deck. Aside from Captain Lee Rosbach, everyone on the show this season is new to reality TV and most of them are new to the yachting industry.
As frustrating as that must have been for Kate and Nico, it does give them a lot of interesting things to talk about while they do press to promote Below Deck’s latest season.
Kate finally decides to turn things over to God. “Yes, I have a moronic crew,” she declares, “but he gave me easy guests.” With the guests safely ensconced on their beach picnic, she uses the time to complain to Captain Lee that she can’t continue doing all the stewarding single-handled and requests additional crew.
Last night was the premiere of Below Deck season 5 and guess what?! I have thoughts. Oh so many thoughts. And I may still pine for the Season 1 cast. Oh Bravo, where did you, NOT Captain Lee Rosbach, find these people?!
Captain Lee is steering the gorgeous Valor out to St. Martin with a skeleton crew of ne’er do wells, or actually never-had-dones. He blames all the “Hollywood Types and Wall Street pricks” who now own yachts instead of merely chartering them, and therefore there are NO available good crew left and he was stuck with the leftovers. #DoNotBelieve. I blame Bravo casting. Either legit professionals don’t want to appear on a reality show, or Bravo intentionally cast unprepared boneheads for drama.
By now we’ve all seen Below Deck‘s Men Eater commercials starring Kate Chastain enough times to expect a season of some serious resting bitch face! So without further ado here is a brief lifesaving recap of last season’s drama – just because it’s good to be prepared on the high seas! Or maybe it doesn’t matter since this season the crew is almost completely new.
The most saddy-sad news of all is that Ben Robinson is not returning. I. Know. Oh boy do I know. So sad. He and his on-boat/off-boat girlfriend Emily Warburton-Adam are instead launching their own cooking show. Needless to say Emily, who started out so promising, and ended up so Anti-Kate, is not returning either!