It was the first Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vacation last night and true to form it was like a game of Clue with whodunit and why, with what, where and WTF?
Last night's metaphorical Housewives slayer was none other than Brandi Glanville who could hold neither her alcohol or her tongue. Although she did start out by telling us all the things she likes to do with her tongue or have a tongue to do her when she conducted a little market research for her new book. Yep, sex, wine, and Brandi again… *yawn*
Over at Joyce Giraud's house she's preparing for Palm Springs with a fashion show. Joyce's closet is beautiful. And it houses the entire GoldenGirls wardrobe department archives, including several pair of reproduction hibiscus print culottes.
Monday's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills had the Richards sisters celebrating graduation, Yolanda Foster celebrating her husband's star on the Walk of Fame, and, what was that again? Yes, yes. Brandi making out with Carlton. While she mentions all of it in her Bravo blog, I've just chosen to highlight her new infatuation with Splits and her sibling sidekick. Brandi feels sorry for Kyle, y'all. Join me, won't you, as we return to bitch mountain…
Ahhh… Real Housewives of Bevelry Hills: where totally untrue in every way cheating rumors never die. Oh! And famous people get to block traffic and redecorate the sidewalk just for being famous.
Over at Kyle Richards' Faye Resnick-fied castle of tchotchke, she's upset because she has to clean up alllllll the dog poop like every day, despite a plethora of brightly colored postage notes decorating the cabinetry advising people otherwise. Poor Kyle – nobody listens to her! Nobody cares! Nobody cares what Kyle wants!
And what does Kyle want? Attention and caftans. Preferably together. Since Kyle presumably has nothing else to talk about but cheating rumors that are totally NOT TRUE and that she totally wants to DISAPPEAR, she and Mauricio sit down to discuss said cheating rumors and how untrue and absolutely ludicrous they are.
"8th grade drama sounds the same 30 years later," Kyle tells Mauricio. You know it! Time for all y'all ladies to take a little Alice In Wonderland pill and grow the EFF up!
Things begin with Brandi and Carlton Gebbia shopping at Trashy Lingerie. Ahem. Brandi and Carlton verbally molest each other and gush about much they love beautiful women in an innuendo-laden crapfest. But neither of them are lesbians or something.
Brandi is buying lingerie for her non-relationship and wants to bury a crystal to evoke new love. How about bury the past? Not talking about your ex constantly might help welcome someone new into your life!
Beginning her Bravo blog,Carlton writes, "I met Brandi [Glanville], Kim [Richards],Joyce [Giraud] and Kyle with smiles honestly hoping that we (Kyle, Joyce, and I) had just got off to an unfortunate start. I was happy to see Brandi, as she was another I immediately clicked with. She's completely uncensored, and I appreciated her humor when we first met at the BHCC. But what's impressive is how after divorce she has been able to take care of herself financially."
Quickly, her tirade against Kyle begins, and it's oh-so-hilarious! Carlton shares, "Anyway we barely had walked into the barroom when immediately Kyle asks if I was raised Catholic? Oh bloody hell here we go! Maybe it's me, but when I'm welcomed into the home of someone I'm relatively new to meeting, religion is not usually the first question I lead with..it was a probable indication as to how the rest of the day would go with this one…Oh joy."
Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills battle lines were drawn in the mythical sand using witches wands and Louboutins. Did I mention the witches were also wearing Louboutins, because yeah… Beverly Hills and all that.
So Brandi Glanville invites us all over to her bathroom to watch her take a bath while the editors blurred over her ladybits. Jennifer Gimenez stopped by because doesn't one always entertain while they're naked?! They talk boys; Brandi and JR's relationship isn't going anywhere and Jennifer thinks he needs dumping.
Brandi goes on a date with JR where she confronts him about not ordering a drink first and oh yeah – taking a couples trip to Texas without 1/2 of his coupling. That half being her! Apparently JR was with all his friends, who are couples, but he didn't want to bring Brandi.
JR is pretty unapologetic about the whole thing and it triggers Brandi's "trust issues" since in case you have been living in a black hole or on Mars and weren't aware, Brandi was cheated on you guys. She was like SO cheated on and like she needs to discuss it forever and ever and ever and ever because she apparently doesn't have anything else going on besides Botox and drinking.
Carlton Gebbia is one of the new girls on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills block. And unfortunately for her she seems to have made fast enemies with Kyle Richards. You know what – I ain't worried for her. And Carlton ain't worried for herself. She'll just drop an F-bomb or two on Splits, hop on her broom stick, and be on her merry way.
But before all that Carlton was forced to get acquainted with her new co-star. Let's hear what she has to say.
"I received a call from Kyle to join her for lunch or dinner. . . I was a little surprised but thought it was a nice gesture and a perfect opportunity for us to get to know one another better," Carltonexplains in her Bravo blog. Carlton admits that after they got off to a rocky start at the Chamber of Commerce partay of the ceturay she may have "misjudged" Kyle. You know what they say about first impressions, Carlton: they're rarely ever wrong!