Ahhhhhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where mothering is a crime against humanity because naturally that's the nanny's job. In Beverly Hills one also needs to be heavily armed and ready at any moment for home invaders. I'd be more worried about closet raiders, but you know if broke into Yolanda Foster's house I'd go straight for the Hermes belt collection. Just me?
We begin at Carlton Gebbia's house where she's hosting a party to promote naked girls. Carlton: the Playboy mansion you are not. Carlton's "nanny", who is never near children ever, which given her behavior is probably a good thing, helps choose exotic dancers to perform.
Carlton drones monotonously for the 400th time that she loves women. I am out of patience with this cougar-in-heat trying to be the Joe Francis of the middle-aged. I'm sure Carlton's daughters aren't embarrassed at allll to be seeing their mother's Sexford Wife shenanigans.
Brandi Glanville adopted a new dog named Buddy to distract her kids from Chica's disappearance. Brandi hates Buddy and complains that he wants to be near her. He peed on her bed – yeah that's annoying, but I'm sure Brandi has also peed on her bed in a drunken stupor.
True to form, good ol' Rambles meanders through her reactions to the episode.
First of all Kim tells us what an intimate and personal event Kimberly's party was. "I only invited a small group of only our closest friends and family," Kim writes. Which includes the entire RHOBH cast? "All the people that came are so special to me and have played a part of Kimberly and my lives."
"When I invited everyone, most people received evites and there were just a handful that I happened to invite myself — Lisa was one of those people," Kim writes. "I really was on the fence with who I wanted there. I had to consider the limited space and I did not want any problems or fighting on this very special night."
She begins, "Carlton asked me and some of her other girlfriends to meet up for a pole dancing lesson before we went over to Kimberly's graduation party. Although Kim and I were not super close at this point, I honestly couldn't remember a time since I've known her that she had hosted anything, so I was definitely not going to miss it. Carlton had a few drinks before our class. I was not on the same level, but almost instantly I starting feeling dizzy and nauseous. I assumed it was motion sickness from the poles spinning. But later I spiked a fever and was throwing up for the next day-and-a-half, so I think its safe to assume I caught some sort of bug and it wasn't just motion sickness." Oh girl. I was born, but it wasn't yesterday!
Continuing, Brandi writes, "We head over to Kim's and I thought it might be a good idea to grab a burger before we went in to hopefully help Carlton sober up a bit and help me to stop feeling so crappy. I feel bad I was ill at Kim's house, but it really couldn't have been helped. It was better that we didn't stay anyhow because Joyce was there in some ridiculous get up and I didn't want to have a confrontation with Miss Attention Seeker a high school graduation party."
Carlton explains her policy about doing reality TV, "When I signed on to do this reality journey, I made a decision that it was all or nothing — the good the bad and the ugly. How can I show the honest story of who I am without honestly exposing who I am? Yes I've had a few messy moments that make my toes curl, but I own it and truly apologize when necessary. Who hasn't? Unfortunately mine was on camera! This is my truth, my reality. I'm not perfect, nor am I trying to be. If I start manipulating my behavior and start becoming rehearsed then it's just another one of them doing a bad acting job. It's fake. I don't manufacture anything about who I am, what you see is all of me — unedited so to speak."
That said, she explains that this week's episode wasn't her best and she offers an apology to Kim. "This week's episode is definitely not my finest hour. However I sincerely apologize if I appear insensitive to Kim's plight or to anyone else for that matter who suffers the same devastating addiction and battle. It certainly was not my intention to be disrespectful. I've already spoken and apologized to Kim."
Taking to her Bravo blog, Jacqueline Joyce begins, "This week's episode was quite interesting for me to watch as I discovered hypocrisy at its maximum exposition. At the beginning of the episode it was interesting to see Carlton and Brandi in their element at the pole dancing. I can understand why they like each other so much," adding, "What I can't understand is how in the world was Carlton so offended that my husband joked about having a naked room when our babies grow up — yet this is pretty much her main storyline? How was she so offended when I spoke about my husband's manhood, yet she does the exact same thing? I wonder if she is getting inspired by the very same things she hates about me and decides to do them? Too much double standard, especially for someone who claims to be so spiritual and to love women." I have often wondered that myself!
Kim Richards' daughter Kimberly graduated from high school and Kim is hosting a big celebration party for her. To prepare Kim, Kyle Richards, Kimberly and one of Kyle's daughters meet up for manicures. And Kyle needs a bikini wax. Kim announces her "wiener" has already been waxed and is looking cute. Kim should probably just go ahead and call it a "whiner" instead.
Kyle prefers to label hers a "tweeter" because <stage whisper> 'vagina' is yucky. It's times like this I wish Brandi Glanville would pop up in the corner of the screen yelling, "VAGINA, Kyle – VAGINA!" just to make Kyle smack her with a caftan after covering her eyes with a haircape.
A salon employee tells Kyle she can have her tweetiewiener dyed. Kyle Freudian Slips and thinks the lady told her to put her vagina on a "diet". But! It's a size 4! Kim's tweeter is a size 0 because it hasn't been eating anything – well nothing except a little "lipstick" she elaborated. How many weight watchers points does a tweeter get?
With the busy holidays behind us now, our favorite (and not so favorite) celebrities are slowly coming back out to grace us with their presence – on and off the red carpet. Check out this week's photo roundup!
Carlton Gebbia stopped by the Sirius XM studio in NYC before she headed over to make an appearance on Watch What Happens Live.
Things picked up at SUR where Brandi Glanville and Joyce Giraud were bickering up a storm about everything. If you could interpret through the litany of F-bombs and hair flips you might have heard Joyce tell Brandi she needs rehab.
All of the sudden Brandi starts tearing up and claims she just really misses her dog and needs to leave. She flees the table under the protective lemon force field of Yolanda Foster. So, now Brandi is blaming all her of her maltreatment of Joyce on a dog? I thought Kim Richards got the dog storyline this season?
Back at the table Joyce is unsympathetic. While Lisa Vanderpump and Ken try to smooth it over, Joyce snaps that Brandi shouldn't act like a "stupid little bitch" if she doesn't want people to confront her. Amen, Joyce, amen. Yolanda returns and is all "but Brandi is very sad". She's having a hard time. Lisa, visibly stressed out, calls for dessert – emotional eating time!