Sometimes I watch these shows and I have no idea what happens. It’s just a passive aggressive cluster eff of pinot slurring, sloshing, and rambling. On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York it was just one big Poopy the Pig moment after another.
So where shall we begin? Ahhh… the bellows of an UES town home situmatated next to a parking garage. No bueno. In the belly of the beast sits Sonja T. Morgan, wearing the merest blush of pink, sipping her water and preparing to be wowed by the business savvy of Heather Thomson and her Yummy Tummy brand expert.
There is also a surprise guest: Pinot Singer, sporting what I can only describe as an outfit straight from Gianni Versace’s 1992 collection. Oh, that blouse with that belt. Please – save this woman from both her pinot and her dated wardrobe.
So yeah, Heather and her brand people arrive and it’s head-butting and butt-head acting and sniping and waffling and furtive glares and Ramona holding court like she’s Sonja’s bodyguard. She’s interrupting and speaking over people and acting like people take her seriously. All of Heather’s team was just eying her warily and mentally assessing that based on this shenanigan Sonja’s toaster oven was going to burn.
If there’s one thing that’s comforting aboutPinot Singer, it’s that she just doesn’t ever get it – or learn from her gaffes. Following an episode of Real Housewives of New York that showcased her wackitude self-centeredness and social faux pas; Ramona has taken to her Bravo blog to defend the indefensible. Oh brother…
First of all Ramona claims she was only protecting castmate Aviva Drescher by demanding she stop having fun and immediately come inside for dinner. Who else had memories of their mother shouting, “You’ll get pruney!”?
Revealing Aviva asked for her help, Ramona states: “Aviva was freaking out to me saying she forgot her swimming leg she didn’t know what she was going to do. She was in a major panic. She was worried how it would look if everyone went in the pool but her.”
“I of course being protective said, ‘Don’t worry, I won’t get into the pool, I won’t take off my cover up. I’ll just stay on the edge so you won’t stand out by not going in,’” Ramona insists.
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was a hot mess of faux pas, inappropriate comments, and geriatric sexual harassment. I guess you could call this episode the George & Ramona show, because well that’s what happened. The two of them demonstrated that their concept of social etiquette evaporated sometime around the dinosaur era as they fought to one-up each other in the rude and out-of-control category.
Maybe Aviva Drescher was trying to get her dad some air time to gain relevance, maybe he acted more out of order than usual because he was hoping to stage a fifth wind career revival – who knows, but you and I both know Andy Cohen loves an old sassy so Papaviva will be making an appearance on WWHL very soon.
Before all that happened Carole Radziwill also headed to Miami for a one-day Bravo sponsored trip to visit her friend, jewelry designer Ranjana Khan. Ranjana also does this thing called face yoga as a side-job. Basically it was yet another chance for her to advertise her product – and for Carole to call out LuAnn de Lesseps on “friend jumping.” Is this going to become a thing? I makes me think of Heathers meets Tremors.
Anyway, Aviva calls to inform Carole that things withRamona Singer are going, well, the way things always go with Ramona – like rancid unchilled pinot drank out of a Tupperware container. That’s a metaphor for BAD. Carole is like ‘Oh tee-hee… I’m not going to make enemies of Ramona – that bish is psycho. I just call her bunny, because she’s got so much energy.’ Aviva, feeling like she just ran a half-marathon with a hang-over, lamely agrees.
Cast members of The Real Housewives of New York got together to hit a garage sale over the weekend! OK, we know it wasn’t your typical yard sale where they had to touch the no-longer-wanted items of peasants, but instead a charity event.
Things begin with Ramona hosting a post-London debriefing. She expects everyone will arrive and complain about the horror that is Heather Thomson. Pinot is pleasantly surprised to learn that instead everyone now hates LuAnn. Particularly Carole who is bristly over the fact that LuAnn tried to compare their books. No one even bought that horrible book Ramona reminds them.
Sonja Morgan is still bent out of shape that LuAnn is tall and enters the room first. Really? Is Height Gate going to become a thing?
Aviva Drescher arrives and shares that Ramona – and now Sonja are invited to Miami. And in a fun bravo manufactured coincidence Carole will also be there because some designer friend of her’s has an event or something. As a fun treat, Aviva reveals she has a geriatric gentleman just perfect for Sonja and as an added benefit he’s a viagra sex addict! ‘Oh, whooo is this charming man,’ Sonja purrs. ‘My father!’ Aviva announces. Oh that’s delightfully UN-awkward.
As a writer you are challenged to encapsulate events and people in an exciting or innovative way. As a recapper you are challenged to reiterate exciting and crazy things that have already happened in a funny and innovative way. It’s a tough job.
Last night on Real Housewives of New York there were royal wars and pinot races. And nobody won at the end of an evening serenaded by the worst music I’ve ever heard on Housewives of anywhere – and that is really saying something. So Mazel, Cara Quici.
Things begin innocently enough with a bidet, some croquet, and champagne. Sonja Morgan, washing off the sins of her hangover, sticks her face in a bidet filled with ice. She does know what part of the anatomy a bidet is really for, correct?
Things begin with Carole Radziwill (in her nephew’s borrowed Halloween costume), Sonja Morgan (in Indiana Jones’ borrowed hat), and LuAnn (in Princess Diana’s borrowed accent) arriving in London. Heather Thomson and her Yummie Tummie holla-ing team are already there.
Carole is grouchy. And she’ll remind you of it over and over on this trip. Personally, a grouchy and snarky Carole is much more what Bravo was hoping for when they cast her – and she’s a good kind of witty grouchy, not just an out of control bitch.
The lessons of life are hard learned, and Sonja Morgan – executress of the Hard-Knocks School of Life – knows this better than anyone. Sometimes the truth is a bitter pill to swallow and it hurts going down. Sometimes reality is as jagged as the edges of a broken wine bottle.
As Sonja presided over her interns from her UES townhome, all of them looking up at her with searching eyes so full of hope and promise, Sonja shook her head and smiled a misty smile; if only they knew that someday their ambitions would be stuffed in Neimans bag and returned. That they would be deemed unmatchable and undesirable. That the lessons learned in fifth grade would come back to haunt them. That sometimes extending the olive branch only means something if there are olives on the vine.
Real Housewives of New York started out on a beautiful day in Central Park. Heather Thomson and Aviva Drescher are getting together to talk shop. Aviva has something very pressing to impart. She is determined to keep the peace – but more than anything she is determined to be liked by everyone. So, she pushes the childhood insecurities out of her mind and soldiers on.