As a writer you are challenged to encapsulate events and people in an exciting or innovative way. As a recapper you are challenged to reiterate exciting and crazy things that have already happened in a funny and innovative way. It’s a tough job.
Last night on Real Housewives of New York there were royal wars and pinot races. And nobody won at the end of an evening serenaded by the worst music I’ve ever heard on Housewives of anywhere – and that is really saying something. So Mazel, Cara Quici.
Things begin innocently enough with a bidet, some croquet, and champagne. Sonja Morgan, washing off the sins of her hangover, sticks her face in a bidet filled with ice. She does know what part of the anatomy a bidet is really for, correct?
Things begin with Carole Radziwill (in her nephew’s borrowed Halloween costume), Sonja Morgan (in Indiana Jones’ borrowed hat), and LuAnn (in Princess Diana’s borrowed accent) arriving in London. Heather Thomson and her Yummie Tummie holla-ing team are already there.
Carole is grouchy. And she’ll remind you of it over and over on this trip. Personally, a grouchy and snarky Carole is much more what Bravo was hoping for when they cast her – and she’s a good kind of witty grouchy, not just an out of control bitch.
The lessons of life are hard learned, and Sonja Morgan – executress of the Hard-Knocks School of Life – knows this better than anyone. Sometimes the truth is a bitter pill to swallow and it hurts going down. Sometimes reality is as jagged as the edges of a broken wine bottle.
As Sonja presided over her interns from her UES townhome, all of them looking up at her with searching eyes so full of hope and promise, Sonja shook her head and smiled a misty smile; if only they knew that someday their ambitions would be stuffed in Neimans bag and returned. That they would be deemed unmatchable and undesirable. That the lessons learned in fifth grade would come back to haunt them. That sometimes extending the olive branch only means something if there are olives on the vine.
Real Housewives of New York started out on a beautiful day in Central Park. Heather Thomson and Aviva Drescher are getting together to talk shop. Aviva has something very pressing to impart. She is determined to keep the peace – but more than anything she is determined to be liked by everyone. So, she pushes the childhood insecurities out of her mind and soldiers on.
On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York drama over London continued. The city that likely paid Bravo to keep Pinot Singer from outside it’s fair confines for fear of what may occur has stood its ground and used Holla Thomson as the first offensive round in protecting its citizens from the wrath of pinot. That’s right, Heather proves that NOT inviting someone on a cast trip actually causes more drama than inviting them. How did she swing this one?
Things begin with a friendly lunch between Ramona, Aviva Drescher, and Carole Radziwill. Carole giggles nervously a lot as if she’s afraid to breathe wrong in the presence of the hair-trigger Ramona who is already on the wine. Was it even noon? Ramona shoves some skincare down everyone’s throats in the form of gifts.
Sonja Morgan was supposed to attend but bailed feigning illness. The girls launch right in to discussing Holla, who “talks a lot” and apparently it’s very hard to weed through a conversation with her. Carole and Aviva seem awkward discussing this given that Pinot approaches a conversation in much the same way. Who exactly were they talking about? Pinot or Holla?
Once upon a time there was a woman named Pinot Singer who thought she knew a lot about everything and thought no one could see through her. Pinot believed her life was like one of those double-sided mirrors where from one side it looked like a window and from the other side it looked like a mirror. She assumed she could clearly see people and they could see only goodness through her eyes.
Pinot believed she reflected goodness, honesty, truthfulness, and pleasant goodwill. Pinot was wrong. Pinot is delusional, but delusion is a powerful drug – more powerful than pinot grigio, that’s for sure!
Last night on Real Housewives of New Yorkthe ladies assembled for a mid-day brunch, everyone but Pinot and LuAnn de Lesseps. Thank goodness. I’m not sure what time it was, but there they all were; this gaggle of desperate famewhores (and Carole Radziwill) all dressed up as if they were going to a nightclub when it was 1 in the afternoon, outside, in a dowtown restaurant.
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was pretty low-key and I have to say after all the recent drama with certain other Housewives shows it was refreshing to watch a show that focused on the lives of rich, fabulous women instead of fabricated drama and petty fights. Well there was one petty fight, but it paled in comparison to other recent fights on other Housewives shows. And really I never thought there would come a day when I referred to Pinot Singer as low-key, and she’s not by any normal standards, but alas the pinot hath frozen over.
Things open with Aviva Drescher and her husband Reed meeting Heather Thomson and her husband for a getting to know you dinner. Over salads, Heather shares that though her husband is the son of a famous rabbi and they practice Judaism, she is not a full convert. No, no… she’s merely Jewish by injection only. Well, since there’s no shots the doctor can give you to make you Jewish, I’m going to assume the injection comes from her husband’s kosher sausage.
Among the other shocking revelations that came over dinner was the lurid story of Sonja Morgan and LuAnn de Lesseps‘ bedroom activities and their proximity to Aviva‘s ex-husband. Boy, this man is busy on the Housewives circuit! Is he going to make his way to other franchises? Apparently Harry attended Heather‘s birthday party (does he know everyone associated with this show?) where it was disclosed (discovered?) that he slept with both Sonja AND LuAnn. When – no one seems to know – but it was presumably after the time when Aviva was married to him. A surprised Aviva handled the news with dignity, but disgust. I don’t know about you, but that would be a little too close to comfort for me!
On the season premiere, Countless told her new co-stars of Ramoana’s threat regarding her children. The maven of manners also demanded an apology for last season’s drama during a party. I find her public admonishment of ol’ Crazy Eyes a tad hypocritical, given there is, according to LuAnn, a time and a place for everything. For example, you don’t talk about losing a parent over drinks with friends. It’s poor form. However, making others uncomfortable at a party is completely acceptable behavior. In her Bravo blog, she explains it all…and with words we serfs can understand.
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Real Housewives of New York had a looooong hiatus while it got all its new ducks in a row. Sadly, either people forgot about them and didn’t bother going back or everyone is still sick of the lingering taint of acidic drama. Regardless of why less and less people tuned in, the ratings for the season five premiere were less than stellar. Like so less than stellar Kim Zolciak‘s wig reveal slammed RHONY!
According to The Huffington Post, the season premiere only drew 1.7 million viewers in it’s 9pm slot. Which is unprecedentedly low for a Housewives season premiere. Just for some perspective – Real Housewives of Orange County (previously the lowest rated in the franchise) got over 2 million viewers for it’s season premiere.
Allegedly Bravo isn’t too upset by the ratings. “Bravo didn’t expect the numbers to be huge,” a network insider revealed. “Monday is a new night for the show and it’s the most competitive night of the week.”