Caroline Manzo

 

'Andy! Andy! Andy! Your mom's a liar, your dad's a coward, and I slept with them both – and Juicy, bitch! bleeep, bleeepetey, bleeep, bl-bleeep, bleep, c-word.' Oh was this Jerry Springer we watched last night or Real Housewives of New Jersey? I really couldn't tell because it was so embarrassing, disgusting, and low-brow. 

Whatever happened last night, I am fed up. And I am incredibly horrified by the behavior I witnessed. There was once a time – long before many of you wee youngins were around – when grown women who were also possessors of the title "Housewives" behaved like grown women on TV.

And then this stuff started happening and the bottom dropped out. But to draw it out until people stoop to the lowest and expose their families as truly dysfunctional is not what Housewives was ever about. If I was interested in watching Intervention, I would! I'm not.

Frankly, I am bored with the over-blown drama, the orchestrated plots. The storylines that never reveal the true story but always read between the lines. And the lies. So tired of the lies.

And I'm really saddened this is what it's all become. So sit there, smug and manipulative in your $2000 suit, Andy Cohen, and continue acting like you're none the wiser and it's all a little game. Just keep sitting there like the king of fools. 

So with a heavy-heart I begin this recap. 

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Well we just survived Round One of the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion and all we got was this…headache? Massive amounts of confusions? Hangover?

So – who won the first round?

[Photo Credit: NBC Media]

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I will never understand how people can not like Real Housewives of New Jersey's Kathy Wakile.  She is just so down-to-earth and (compared to her cast mates) drama free.  I'll be honest, I felt badly for her during the finale.  All she wanted to do was enjoy her salad!

Kathy plays the voice of reason in such a ridiculous situation.  Of course, she seems just as confused and bewildered as most viewers who were watching that debacle go down. 

Luckily, Kathy is trying to make sense of the madness, and she's breaking it down for us…not that she draws any conclusions.  I am still so baffled by all of it, so forgive me if I come across as a befuddled mess–and I've watched the finale three times!

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First of all I have to admit I spend way WAY too much time analyzing the antics of the Housewife. They are an odd specimen, aren't they? And Real Housewives of New Jersey in particular. Although those ladies leave me wanting to turn into Pinot Fabulous Singer and just get sloshied all day, I have to admit they really keep it interesting from the psychological perspective. 

Which leads me to last nights FINAL season finale of RHONJ. And out it all came like projectile vomit. Except I was left with way more questions than I had to begin with. I mean will I ever get the answers I'm looking for or will I die questing to know what exactly happened at the infamous S4 Posche Trashion Show? I guess if I can ever manage to get stranded on a desert island with Teresa Giudice I might learn the truth, but until then all I'm left with is an an aneurysm from wonder and a seriously large bill for TherapyByBravo. You're paying for this right @bravo_andy?

It is not often that a Housewives show rivals that of a Shakespearean drama with so many higher level plot points circulating around. I literally feel dizzy. Bravo has truly outdone themselves, but they've also truly over done themselves and I don't think they can ever come back from the edge with this one. 

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Real Housewives of New Jersey has been like the black plague this season. It's been all dark, dreary, and depressing. And just when things were starting to get semi-good between some of the castmates the annual Posche Fashion Show – the epi-center of all things drama on RHONJ – showed up and all went to hell in a handbasket!

Well, apparently the fourth season will be the last for the PFS (what will Kim D do with her life now?) as Bravo is not filming it for the fifth season! Despite the fact that the show will happen on October 2nd at THE BROWNSTONE of all places, Bravo cameras will be absent according to NorthJersey.com because they have no idea what ladies will even be returning for season five! 

EEERRRK! Hit the brakes! Didn't Melissa Gorga just complain about Teresa Giudice continuing her friendship with Kim D after she caused all that drama in her life? But Caroline Manzo and Jacqueline Laurita get a pass? Well, I guess family is family and co-stars you aren't really friends with but pretend to like for the sake of a storyline on your reality show are another thing. BTW, Jacqueline wore a top from Posche in her People cover. I can't keep up with these ever-changing pseudo-friendships! 

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Were you left sitting at home, drying your tears because Jacqueline Laurita's Sparkling Event for Austim Speaks was all sold out?  Don't fret, as we have all the behind-the-scenes scoop for you!! 

Tom Murro of Fox Morning Extra dished the deets with us on the event, which drew in support from Jacqueline's RHONJ co-stars Caroline Manzo and her crew (the hubby and all three kids), especially since the event was held at the Brownstone.  According to Tom, there was "no sign of Teresa, the Gorgas or Wakiles."  Adding that "Caroline was sweet".

Jacqs gave a speech to the crowd and admitted that she was nervous about it.  Tom shared, "Jax admitted she was quite nervous, more specifically- ''scared shit'' about giving a speech in front of the crowd, she said it's very different from being in front of camera, but she pulled it off, speaking about her son and all children with Autism. Her speech kicked ass, was from the heart, and brought tears to many guests eyes." 

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Well, well… what have we here. Is it Melissa Gorga appearing on the cover of a tabloid, which she undoubtedly got paid to be on, bashing co-star Teresa Giudice? I mean no big right – except for the fact that we just spent an ENTIRE season of Real Housewives of New Jersey discussing how Teresa was a terrible person for doing just that! 

Oh my how the tables have turned. Spin, spin, spin Melissa – gotta get that story out. Now, I fully (and I mean FULLY) expect Teresa to be next with some bigger badder media (Extra?, 20/20? People? OPRAH?) hopping out there to do the same, but I just find it very ironic after all Melissa's lambasting about how Teresa was using her friends and families to make money and get attention. Hypocrite or is Teresa just getting what she deserves?

Me thinks Melissa's real annoyance with tabloid-gate was that no one wanted to put her pretty face on the cover of a magazine. Well, except for that free New Jersey weekly. Lady Gorga, anyone? Anyway, now here she is! She's got a story and now she's got a cover. So let's see what Lady Gorga has to say, shall we. 

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Sometimes Real Housewives of New Jersey is the gift that keeps on giving. And sometimes it's the white elephant present that gets passed round and round at the party cause nobody wants to take it home. After last night's episode I have come to deduce two things: 1) That Kim D and the producers are crazy, maniacal, and will do anything for drama – hence setting up both Teresa Giudice AND Melissa Gorga OR 2) Teresa is the world's best actress, has truly missed her calling, and needs to get on Broadway ASAP. 

I'll do my best to remain neutral in this recap because I have my own opinion on what's going on – regardless of what the other members of the RHONJ are attempting to spin. So it's just check my sanity at the door here and suspend my rational thoughts – you know like any good Jersey Housewife!

And I'll also do my best to remain positive, because when it's all said and done this wasn't a bad episode. For the most part everyone was nice to each other, respectful, and got along. Well, except for Richie Wakile who is doing his damnedest to stay relevant and carve himself a niche in the show. More on him in a minute. 

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