Last night’s Manzo’d With Children was brought to you by the letter V. V as in Vito Scalia, but also for “Vessel,” losing your Manzo Virginity, and Visiting the library. But mostly V is for Vito and all the ways he is passive aggressively trying to use his voice. (V is for Voice).
Lauren Manzo‘s wedding will include 300 hundred people and 300 hundred Italian traditions, but only one corsage. Vito’s mom, Denise, comes over, pushing her dog in a stroller, to see where her son will be spending the rest of his remaining days. Lauren asks her if she wants a corsage at the wedding – of course she does! She’s the mother of the groom and that is an honor that must be signified. Caroline Manzo “wouldn’t be caught dead in a corsage.” She describes Vito’s mother as a “firecracker” and explains they’re different, yet the same.
Time for some standardized test prep! Different, but similar-style with Caroline and Denise.
Caroline Manzo is hosting Lauren’s shower at Casa de Smothers because no Manzo ever, like ever, leaves that house. Seriously it is the black hole of adulthood. Their family motto is probably “We Fail To Launch Here!”
Eversince Lauren first got a salami-scented whiff of Vito wafting from across Albie’s dorm room, Caroline has been buying vintage tea cups on Etsy. For whatever reason they’re hot glue gunning tea cups to saucers and hanging them from chandeliers and floating them across the pool in parasols to create a tea party theme. 110 people are attending. Dina Manzo was invited, but is in California. Sadly, the grinning face of Greggy Bennett will not be appearing. Or so we’re led to believe…
Last night on Manzo’d With Children the Manzo spawn were in for a rude awakening – particularly Lauren! Caroline Manzo is concerned about Lauren facing the realities of Vito’s income bracket instead of Al and Caroline’s. She wants to prepare Lauren for real married life… by letting Lauren and Vito live at home forever? And Albie took one small step in defying mommy by giving his sexy ex-girlfriend Britt another chance despite Caroline and Lauren’s disapproval. Time for Caroline to cut not only the apron strings, but the Chanel purse strings as well!
It’s morning in Manzo-land which means Caroline comes downstairs to a trashed kitchen and three lethargic kids standing around demanding breakfast. Lauren has been using the island as a makeup studio and Al’s credit card for everything – she’s never paid for gas in her life (and doesn’t think she should have to). Caroline rampages about how the kids don’t clean up and act like immature brats expecting her to do everything for them. What does she expect after all her microMOMaging. Caroline is especially pissed because she’s supposed to be going on a tennis date with Al.
Last night on Manzo’d With Children Mother’s Day was celebrated with a throwback photoshoot, Albie and Chris still pretended they don’t have jobs, and Lauren decided to never leave home again. Actually they barely leave the kitchen… what is happening in the rest of that house!?
Caroline Manzo is stressed. First Chrissofart left mommy and is now debauched in Hoboken. Now Lauren, about to be married to Vito the living incandescence of an Al-flavored mozzarella ball, wants to MOVE. OUT. Caroline cannot have this.
Caroline tries to convince Lauren that she and Vito should just stay at home to save their money, because Caroline is not giving them a downpayment on a house – only utilities in her house! This is what passes for responsibility in Manzo-land? Shouldn’t Lauren already have savings given that she’s been living with her mother her entire life? Caroline would prefer they make the ‘smart choice’ to live with her until they can afford to buy a nice (re: luxury) instead of living someplace dumpy (see: Crissofart’s apartment).
But Vito doesn’t want to live with Ma and Pa Smothers, he wants the freedom to show his love to Lauren and admits to his fiancé that he wouldn’t feel comfortable “in the bedroom” living at her mother’s. Does Lauren care what Vito thinks or wants? #RhetoricalQuestion.
Kimadded, “THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! This is the text I got from my boss this morning!! Tears were streaming down my face feeling soooo blessed, so grateful! I love you guys!! #ThankYouGod #ThankYouToAllMyFans #Celebrate”
Andy said the number one question he got for Caroline was… would she ever return to Real Housewives of New Jersey? She said, “No.” Caroline said to Andy, “We’ve had this conversation. You’re better to answer that question than me.” Andy joked, “You always add a lot of zeros to it [the pay she’d accept].”
Albie lives at home again and has now gotten involved in the cannabis business. Which basically means he’s the jerk you crushed on in high school who was popular and hot, but turned into a burnout loser. Vengeance for all of us. Caroline describes Albie as a Type-A perfectionist … so he’s perfecting the art of mooching? She’s delusional.