Things begin with a sauced up and (spray on hair'd up) Joe Gorga charging the brother-in-law who destroyed his life, Joe Giudice. These people are the living embodiment of a soap opera, only not as devious and calculating. Except for Melissa… So anyway, Poison charges at Juicy and unfortunately Juicy immediately drops him and begins punching him.
Poor Melissa Gorga leaps on top of Juicy to try and pry him away from her precious little husbanito. "Teresa, help your brother!" she screams.
Teresa Giudice is gonna help alright - girlfriend is grabbing her purse, hightailing it out of there, and telling the producers to call the cops. Fire up that party bus cause mama is fleeing the coop! Just kidding, a panicked Teresa bellows to someone to call the cops. Doesn't Juicy have enough felonies?! Do not call the cops, but do get the mace! Or at least some Fabellini to subdue these people.
Back inside fight club, it takes all of the remaining Gorgadice (and Wallpaper) family members to pry Juicy off of Poison. Or Poison off Juicy – I really couldn't tell who was up and who was down at that point, except Melissa, who was shrieking and scratching.
After mentioning it in her book everyone on this here very earth seems to believe Albert Manzo likes his ladies on the side… like in the apartment he keeps at The Brownstone. With Caroline angling to move to a Hoboken apartment this season and Albert being perfectly content to never see her again stay where he is, Caroline is again being plagued by cheating rumors!
Caroline explains that sure, Albert may have cheated, but what if she cheated too?
Good lord last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was a rare and special breed of ridiculous, wasn't it? So the Gorgadice families went on some silly retreat to put their problems behind them and rebuild. Except it was more passive aggressive blaming and whining from everyone! Yay for something new and exciting.
Things begin over at Casa de Gorga, amid the crumbling faux marble and the collapsing gold-plate archways they are preparing for the big retreat. Melissa Gorga and Poison are doing their vacation dance ritual and getting into the groove by busting some J. Faux moves and encouraging their kids to dance. "Stripper in the house," Poison bellows as his three-year-old twerks, while daddy erratically humps and grinds the air. Yeah! Shake your moneymaker kids. Great parenting…
Antonia helps mommy pack and decides among the must haves are a bible and a stuffed unicorn. Makes sense, unicorns because it would be an absolutely fairy tale to imagine these families getting along. And a bible because you never know who may need an exorcism on a RHONJ trip. All signs point to Teresa!
Alright Real Housewives of New Jersey lovers, tonight the shizz is about to go. down. And I really mean it cause it would appear that the Joew on Joew action gets ruthless. Oh Bravo – keeping it classy as always!
Before we get to all that hot messitude, Caroline Manzo is here to answer fans' burning questions. Burning like gonorrhea? In a new interview Caroline says that fan questions is what led to her writing a book and she tried to address their inquiries in the self-help/tell-all Let Me Tell You Something…
We're still talking 'bout Caroline's book? Isn't that old news at this point and being eclipsed by Kathy's upcoming cookbook?
Oh Real Housewives of New Jersey. I just don't know what to do with you. Like ever. Last night Melissa Gorga was officially accused of cheating by a former BFF who now doesn't like her. And since this is RHONJ some heavy betrayal was involved. Does anyone like Melissa in NJ? What did this girl do to make so many enemies? Did she give a lot of people unwanted sprinkle cookies?
Anyway, there was also talk of a retreat. I need a retreat from this show – am I invited?
Things begin with Wallpaper Wakile having a meeting of the minds in her brand new test kitchen. She's got her mixer all set up in one corner and the entire vast remainder of the industrial kitchen sits unused and empty. Pretty soon Kathy is going to start moving her bed, her dresser, all her clothes, etc in because if there's one things she's realized about ol' test kitchen – it's a great retreat from Richie. And one long overdue.
And speaking of retreats from hubbies, here comes Caroline Manzo. Is Al in the same country as her anymore? Caroline, Jacqueline Laurita, and Rosie the Rampager are meeting to talk about Rosie's big meet-n-drink with Teresa Giudice. Rosie reveals that the pounding on the table severely bruised the cartilage in her hand. Rosie needs serious help. Gross.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey cast has come a long way since their arrival on the reality TV scene back in 2009. You know, back when they were still dressing like NJ housewives and not pageant contestants. For some, the style transformation has been a positive thing and for others..not so much.
Tonight Teresa attempts to prove she's the bigger cannoli by planning a retreat to rebuild her family and end the Gorgadice bickering. Hopefully she can keep her Milania Weave on long enough to avoid any fireworks. We know it's all made for TV drama but it will be nice to see an end to all the fighting!