Chris Harrison

Finally, The Bachelorette puts the viewer’s need for travel porn above Emily Maynard’s need to keep her daughter Ricki close to home.  We’re off to Bermuda!  I hope beautiful sandy beaches mean beautiful shirtless men.

The first date card goes to Doug Clerget.  It reads, “Let our senses lead the way.”  Doug remembers there’s a rose on the one-on-one dates.  The guys talk about how much it would suck to come all the way to Bermuda only to have to go right back home.  They’re right, that would suck, but probably not as much as a lifetime with Emily.

I know, I know, America’s sweetheart, search for true love, and all that jazz.  Let’s just agree to compare notes come mid-July.  This season is going to be a smashing success of a love story just to spite me, isn’t it?

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It’s your daily dose of Bachelorette with a heaping side of Harrison…add some Bachelor Pad for dessert sprinkled with just the right amount of hook ups, implants, and shame.  Let’s dig in, shall we?

The always lovely and good-natured Chris Harrison, host of all three train wrecks love quests, opened up to The Huffington Post about his favorite couples through the years.  He reveals, “Trista and Ryan [Sutter] were just lightning in a bottle. I don’t know if we’ll ever capture anything like that again. That one will always stand out.”  The couple was the first of the franchise to actually wed (on television, of course), and now they have two children together.

Another of Chris’ favorite love birds were our current Bachelorette Emily Maynard and two-time Bachelor Brad Womack.  He tells the site, “I felt like the two of them were meant to be and it was gonna work. When they broke up, I was really sad.”  Well, you certainly know if you’re tuning into this season that Em has stolen Chris Harrison’s heart along with those of her suitors.

“Everybody’s had this appetite for her,” Chris continues. “She’s so contagious. You just want to care for her, you want to root for her, you want her to do well, and that really makes for a perfect Bachelorette. When her name came up [to be the next Bachelorette], we started bantering about and it was a unanimous home run. It’s very rare that it’s unanimous.”

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Emily Maynard finally interacts with the “dro” twins, Alejandro and Allesandro, on episode 3 of The Bachelorette. One was definitely worth the wait.  In fact, if I get my way, the star of The Bachelor season 17 was born tonight.  More on that later.  First, we must pick through the drab to get to the awesome.

Speaking of drab, my Tupperware has more personality than Emily Maynard does.  You know what I mean, those bowls that have red sauce forever microwaved into their souls and lids that come out of the dishwasher melted and deformed.  Emily did show some more spunk this week; however, she has hardly any inflection in her voice and that makes it hard to care about what she has to say.  And, I’m not sure how much of it is real “spunk” and how much of it is “entitled princess.”  Tupperware = oozing personality.  Emily = mostly dispensing “golly” and “y’all,” hair smoothing, and teeth licking.

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Before Emily Maynard starts her dates this week on ABC’s The Bachelorette, she meets up with friends and family at the park.  It’s very important, apparently, for Emily and ABC to remind us that she’s just an average single mom living in Charlotte.  At the park, the carpool efforts responsible for getting little Ricki to soccer practice are discussed.  The chat is nothing short of fascinating.  Eh, I’m lying.  The entire segment just reminds me how incredibly dull Emily is.

Next, Chris Harrison explains the dating process to the 19 remaining men.  This week, there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates.  There is a rose up for grabs on each date.  Chris leaves the men with the first date card.  Bobble head Chris wants to see his name on that card.  There’s suspenseful music.  The date goes to Runs with Dog Ryan.  The card reads, “Be my King in Queen City.”   Kalon is annoyed.  Chris is disappointed.

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The eighth season of The Bachelorette vows to be unlike any other.  The famewhore making the decisions this season is Emily Maynard.  America’s sweetheart, America’s famewhore, same difference.  You probably remember Emily from Brad Womack’s second season.  Brad’s the frequent-flyer bachelor who handed out roses in both seasons 11 and 15 of The Bachelor.  His second attempt at true love ended with him proposing to Emily.  Emily accepted Brad’s proposal, but her ridiculously high expectations and naiveté quickly wilted the relationship.

Emily is a single mom.  And, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but she was engaged once before Brad.  She was engaged to Ricky Hendrick, of NASCAR fame, in 2004.  Sadly, on a rainy Sunday afternoon in October of the same year, Ricky boarded a plane sans an ill-feeling Emily.  The plane crashed, leaving behind a pregnant Emily.  Now, Emily is a single mom looking for true love on The Bachelorette.  Even though it didn’t work for her the first time around, she “knows the series works.”  Because, you know, that 17% success rate is a great testament of the true love that comes from appearing on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.  I’m obviously grading on a curve, here.  I’m including Trista Sutter, Jason Mesnick, by way of U-turn, Ashley Hebert, and Ben Flajnik, who is still collecting money on the deal.

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Chris Harrison, oh blue-eyed, well-dressed, always there with stellar love advice, Chris Harrison.  Call me.   As I’m sure y’all know, I was very upset to hear about the divorce of the Bachelor franchise’s most level-headed and handsome host.  Of course, instead of letting him deal with his family problems behind closed doors, People Magazine wonders if he himself will be the next Bachelor.  Um, have you seen him?  While he’s a beyond fabulous host of the train wreck, he’s way too good to be an actual contestant.  For shame!

The very classy Mr. Harrison manages to remain upbeat, telling the magazine, “Getting out of a 22-year relationship, having just announced my divorce to the world a week ago, having two kids and trying to start a new life, I’m thinking I wouldn’t exactly be a great candidate to be the bachelor right now or anytime soon.”

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One of the oddest things about The Bachelor and The Bachelorette‘s astoundingly low success rates was that ubiquitous host Chris Harrison was happily married to his high school sweetheart. Chris and his wife Gwen Jones kept their marriage very quiet and seemed to be happy as clams.

Sadly, yesterday the couple, who has two children together, filed for divorce after 18-years of marriage. Allegedly the pair has been separated for months, but have remained friends. Chris even threw Gwen a lavish birthday party this January. Despite their issues, they have also been co-parenting their children, Joshua, 9, and Taylor, 7.

“They are still really close and remain the best of friends,” an insider reports to In Touch Weekly. “They’ve been taking turns with their kids so they can both see them as much as possible. It has been really amicable, with no other parties involved, and Chris has been a total professional while filming The Bachelorette.”

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Oh Chris Harrison…I have no doubt that you are the most moral, most ethical, most handsome host of any reality debacle, and, as such, any lawsuit against anything with which you may be remotely involved, needs to be escorted to a limo and ugly cry all the way back to the airport.

As you all have heard, there is a suit pending against the most dramatic show ever for never hiring minority applicants.  Looking back over past seasons, they may actually be on to something!  However, Bachelor producers are no longer staying mum about the accusations according to wetpaint.com.

Warner Horizon, the parent company of the modern day fame whore love connection, released a statement citing, “This complaint is baseless and without merit.  We have had various participants of color throughout the series’ history, and the producers have been consistently — and publicly — vocal about seeking diverse candidates for both programs.”  The statement goes on to say that producers will “continue to seek out participants of color” for the franchise.

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