Couples Therapy recap

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Oh Couples Therapy – Whew! Where does a girl begin breaking down this mess? I mean, I need therapy after watching it, but real therapy not of the Dr. Jenn Berman 'lemme stroke your F-list ego' variety. 

Taylor Armstrong rendered me paralyzed by laughter for a full 10 minutes while I watched her epic meltdown over "pea green towels" and the lack of acceptable lattes at the mansion. And that's where we begin. With Taylor and John Bluher exercising their right to tantrum. 

Taylor goes Oklahoma on Dr. Jenn's staff until they give her permission to call the doctor herself and complain. Immediately upon getting on the phone Taylor goes from OK to Hawaiian sunset as she calmly but snootily explains that filet mignon is a necessary requirement for her life. "I can't live like this," she whines. "It's like a joke." Yes – it is exactly like a joke except we're all laughing at you, not with you. 

Lest Taylor forget about all her financial problems – lady you were hawking fake Birkins to pay for legal bills. 

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This week on Couples Therapy, the couples, plus lone bird Farrah Abraham, discuss dark moments from past relationships with Dr. Jenn Berman. Also, Farrah boohoos about her porn and annoys every human within an 18 mile radius, and Taylor Armstrong has a spoiled brat meltdown of epic proportions.

To kick things off, Dr. Jenn informs us that Farrah's life is chaotic. So I'd like to inform Dr. Jenn that Farrah's chaos has been meticulously planned out by Farrah the Famewhore. Hold the Fame. Meanwhile, Farrah complains to Taylor about being stood up by her boyfriend-for-hire, Brian Dawe.  Farrah assumes Taylor couldn't possibly understand how hard her life is because her divorce was – and I quote – probably like so easy.  "I filed for divorce, then I found him hanging," shares Taylor. "So not so easy." Farrah's like, fine your life is hard, I guess, but I'm done with you. Good night. Taylor tells the camera that Farrah is the most self-absorbed person she has ever met.  #PotMeetKettle

Whoever put these two – the Teen Mom and the Real Housewife of Beverly Hills – on the same show deserves a huge raise. Make it happen, VH1.

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Couples Therapy is back with Taylor Armstrong & John Bluher, Ghostface Killah & Kelsey Nykole, Whitney Mixter & Sada Bettencourt, and Farrah Abraham.  Farrah shows up alone – shocker – and Dr. Jenn Berman falls for her "my boyfriend is a big meany" act hook, line, and sinker.

Apparently Jon Gosselin & Liz Janetta join the fun later.  He probably has to wait for the lunch rush to pass and get his balls from Kate's hilltop mansion before he can fly to L.A. Jon's new simpler life is so hard, you guys. So so hard.

Taylor and John arrive first. The former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star recaps her past – she had the "perfect house" and the "perfect husband" in Beverly Hills. Taylor says, in reality, she endured six years of emotional and physical abuse from her late husband, Russell Armstrong.

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