Have you heard? There's a new show called Farrah's Therapy on VH1. It's a cross between Teen Mom Horror Story and Couples (Table For One) Therapy. The star of the show universe, Farrah Abraham, pretends to cry, makes ugly faces, and blames all of her problems on the strangers living in her house, as well as her parents, while a doctor by the name of Jenn Berman enables her.
Seriously, if VH1 wanted to cash in on the tragedy that is Farrah, why not just create a new show around her? Porn Stars Therapy or Celebrity Liars Rehab?
But I digress. It's day five in the Couples Therapy house. Sada Bettencourt and Whitney Mixter watch Backdoor Teen Mom and come to realize it's not a homemade sex tape. Not even close! It's a fully produced porn film. Whitney says she's not judging the Teen Mom star for having sex on camera, as she's been there, done that – but she has zero patience for Farrah's "sex tape" lies.
Oh Couples Therapy – Whew! Where does a girl begin breaking down this mess? I mean, I need therapy after watching it, but real therapy not of the Dr. Jenn Berman 'lemme stroke your F-list ego' variety.
Taylor Armstrong rendered me paralyzed by laughter for a full 10 minutes while I watched her epic meltdown over "pea green towels" and the lack of acceptable lattes at the mansion. And that's where we begin. With Taylor and John Bluher exercising their right to tantrum.
Taylor goes Oklahoma on Dr. Jenn's staff until they give her permission to call the doctor herself and complain. Immediately upon getting on the phone Taylor goes from OK to Hawaiian sunset as she calmly but snootily explains that filet mignon is a necessary requirement for her life. "I can't live like this," she whines. "It's like a joke." Yes – it is exactly like a joke except we're all laughing at you, not with you.
Lest Taylor forget about all her financial problems – lady you were hawking fake Birkins to pay for legal bills.
To kick things off, Dr. Jenn informs us that Farrah's life is chaotic. So I'd like to inform Dr. Jenn that Farrah's chaos has been meticulously planned out by Farrah the Famewhore. Hold the Fame. Meanwhile, Farrah complains to Taylor about being stood up by her boyfriend-for-hire, Brian Dawe. Farrah assumes Taylor couldn't possibly understand how hard her life is because her divorce was – and I quote – probably like so easy. "I filed for divorce, then I found him hanging," shares Taylor. "So not so easy." Farrah's like, fine your life is hard, I guess, but I'm done with you. Good night. Taylor tells the camera that Farrah is the most self-absorbed person she has ever met. #PotMeetKettle
Apparently Jon Gosselin & Liz Janetta join the fun later. He probably has to wait for the lunch rush to pass and get his balls from Kate's hilltop mansion before he can fly to L.A. Jon's new simpler life is so hard, you guys. So so hard.
Taylor and John arrive first. The former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star recaps her past – she had the "perfect house" and the "perfect husband" in Beverly Hills. Taylor says, in reality, she endured six years of emotional and physical abuse from her late husband, Russell Armstrong.