DISCLAIMER: the Teen Mom 3 reunion was taped on November 3, 2012. Yes. MTV is giving us footage that's over a year old to "update" us on the season.
Nevertheless, season one of Teen Mom 3 has come to an end, so it's time for the new Teen Mom cast to talk to Dr. Drew Pinsky. (FOR TWO HOURS!)
The reunion kicks off with Katie Yeager and Joey Maes. Surprise – they are back together! You see, every time Joey's new girlfriend nagged him, it reminded him of Katie. And Joey eventually came to realize that Katie's the only nagger for him. Isn't that sweet?
Katie reveals that Joey was with Brigette for a month before he came back to her. Everything that went wrong is still Joey's fault, of course, but Katie says she's trying to move on, adding, "The only way we're going to forgive and trust is if we move on."
To kick things off, Mackenzie buys a pair of chaps for Gannon. Ha! Why not? Dressing the baby like an adult cowboy makes perfect sense when Mackenzie doesn't have a job, Josh doesn't have a job, and Gannon, despite winning the family IQ race, is too young to have a job.
An excited Mackenzie calls Josh to gush about her superfluous purchase. He accepts the call – listens – but rushes off the phone without ever expressing a single emotion. Phone calls are hard, y'all. Mackenzie's friend points out that Josh is barely alive, adding, "He needs to get a pulse in touch with his feelings." Mackenzie says she totally heard excitement in Josh's voice.
Arabella's first birthday is just a few days away. Alex decides she'd rather Matt not come to the party – because he'll sulk when he has to share Arabella with others – but she welcomes him to one-on-one time with her on her actual birth day. Sadly, as of right now, Matt has not returned any of Alex's calls. His loss! Alex puts her baby daddy drama on the back burner to deal with her own daddy. She invites him to Arabella's party despite tension since she became a teen mom. He says yes.
Katie obsesses over Joey Maes. She complains non-stop to poor Molli and whomever else is willing to listen. Also? Katie fails to see that she's equally responsible for their breakup. Perpetual victim, this one. Everything is Joey's fault. She'll never be able to forgive him. Blah. Blah. Unless he wants her back, then maybe… probably… definitely. This girl needs a serious reality check and an ounce of self esteem. STAT.
Briana talks to Jacob, the boy, behind her mom's back. Cue the scene where Mom reminds Briana – not so gently – that she has baby baggage. So, the eyebrows have spoken, Briana is nothing more than a girl with a baby. Proceed directly to the coven. Don't call Jacob. Don't collect $200.
It's Briana's 18th birthday. Mom agrees to watch Nova overnight so Bri can hang with her friends at a hotel. Briana, in all her socially awkward glory, plans to go clubbing behind mom's back. Mom and Brittany talk about Bri's big night out ad nauseam. Brittany thinks Briana is too irresponsible to be out all night on her own, yet she gifts her with $50 to have fun. Plus she put money aside for Nova's diapers for the week. Best nanny ever!
Matt McCann calls Alex to report that his stint in rehab is coming to an end. He's doing really well, and when given the choice to either come home or go to a halfway house, he chose halfway house. He worries he'll fall right back in with the same crowd if he comes home too soon, however, he plans to use a day pass to visit Arabella on her birthday. Alex happily supports Matt's decisions.
Briana kicks off this week's episode, and she's very happy to report that her sister/nanny is over last week's "spread my wings and fly far away" attitude. Also, Briana took about three minutes of college classes, so she takes a much needed break. When a boy calls Brittany on her phone, Briana lectures her on birth control and pouts about her little mistake, also known as Nova Star.
Next Alex studies while Arabella sits unassisted on the very edge of a table. Are they training her for the circus? Seriously. Since Arabella nailed the death defying high table sitting act, Alex tries a chair. Without a net. This poor baby tumbles off the chair and falls face first onto the hardwood floor. Alex complains because she can't take her eyes off of Arabella for even a second.
This week on Teen Mom 3, Alex Sekella puts her Matt McCann induced pity party on hold to go to her senior prom. I expect her miserable self to pick up the party right where she left off next week. Fingers crossed!
Mackenzie Douthit and Katie Yeager whine about the same things they've been whining about for the past eight episodes. At least they're consistent. Whereas Briana DeJesus spends the entire episode in public. My guess is her house is being fumigated, to smoke out the male species, and she will resume couch sitting next week.
Also, it's Father's Day, and Mackenzie takes the above charming picture of Gannon as part of Josh's gift. You'll never believe how Josh McKee reacts to that much cuteness. Hint: he doesn't. Because his brain is broken.
Katie and Joey are getting along better since he quit smoking pot. So, Katie plans her next relationship hurdle, which is proposing a move to Utah for college. She's currently enrolled in community college but needs to transfer to a four year school (and they apparently only breed them in Utah) to get a degree in social work. Katie doesn't think she can survive without Joey making her cry for two years so she needs to convince him to move with her.
Meanwhile Alex points out that she's juggling school, work, and Arabella now that Matt's out of the picture. Because she had oodles of help those TWO WEEKS he was in the picture. Alex wants Matt restricted to court supervised visits only. "I don't want him and his substances in her life or around Arabella," she says. "I don't know where he is or what he's doing. If he's homeless, then he's homeless. That's his choice, his conscious decision to do that."