Kim Zolciak Biermann is still alive despite not being able to access Starbucks and it looks like Brielle has also survived (just barely) without any Chick fil A to eat. The rest of the kids seem completely unaffected by their environment because after all, life is just one giant romper room for them to wrestle in and it does not really matter if that romper room is at their house in Atlanta or at some lodge in Montana.
On last night’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy, the Biermanns are packing up and heading west. It’s time for a vacation from the day to day stresses of… ummmm… let me see… what are the stresses these people face on the daily? Caring for a new puppy and managing a busy Snapchat account? I can’t think of anything else so let’s just roll with that.
Since the trip to Montana is technically a trip home for Kroy Biermann, it will give him the opportunity to show his kids where he is from and also ask one of his close friends to be the executor of their estate and guardian of their kids if something should happen to them. Kim Zolciak Biermann’s stroke hasn’t just given her a new perspective on day to day life, it’s also made her realize their will is out of date and they can’t rely on either of their families when it comes to taking care of their brood.
With six kids, a chef, and more dogs than I can keep track of, it’s safe to say that Kim Zolciak Biermann and Kroy Biermann like to live in excess. Last night’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy highlights, underlines, and throws a bunch of exclamation points on that excess as we watch Kim continue to push for one more kid, but maybe settle for a puppy instead.
The idea originally pops up thanks to resident daughter/assistant/unofficial Fit Tea sales rep, Brielle. While Kash and KJ adorably wreck the kitchen in an attempt to cook something, Brielle, who previously stated that their house was like a daycare, mentions that it’s time for another dog. Brielle’s highly interested in cross-breeding two dogs until Tracey points out how many dogs are stuck in shelters and need good homes. Brielle doesn’t seem thrilled but will take what she can get and productionTracey pulls a few strings to arrange for the family to volunteer over the weekend.
OK, Don’t Be Tardy fans, last night was all about getting a crash course in what it means to be a free agent in the NFL. In layman’s terms (if you’re Brielle, please Google what layman’s terms means before going any further) a free agent is a player who is not signed to one particular team. In short, a player who is on the market, playing the field, trying to get that next gig, like Tracey on Tinder.
Guiding us on this little lesson will be the ever-optimistic Kroy Biermann (our free agent) and his still-not-totally-on-board-but-says-she-is wife, Kim Zolciak Biermann, as they go to meet with Kroy’s agent, Buddy. Normally, Kroy not being signed to a team would be stressful but since Kim’s stroke, she looks at the unknown of free agency as one big adventure. Unless that adventure involves living in Green Bay. Or Buffalo (haha!). Or having to live in someone else’s house with their furniture and toilet (paging Teresa Guidice for some much needed foreshadowing).
Welcome back to the party, readers! It’s been a few months since we have had the pleasure of watching the Biermann Bunch but never fear, Don’t Be Tardy is happy to make up for lost time with PLENTY going on. Even without the show, we have had non-stop coverage of Kim Zolciak’s stint on Dancing with the Stars, her stroke, and Kroy Biermann’s football trades. But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves and go back to a simpler time.
In Kim’s world, life is good. She’s 37, not pregnant (for now), healthy, and pouring her heart and soul into Dancing With The Stars. Then she has a stroke out of the blue and has to have major heart surgery. Kim recovers and schedules heart surgery around her DWTS schedule so she can collect that paycheck finish what she started. Oh, and the stroke has given Kim a new perspective on life and what’s important. She has an attitude of gratitude and no longer sweats the small stuff, like if her hair is perfect or if her car is clean. I would like to note here that her hair looks perfect.
Finally. Last night was the season finale of Don’t Be Tardy, so we had to bid farewell to chef Tracy. Don’t cry. It’s Bravo. She’ll be back. They’ll all be back. That said, if Brielle gets a job at E! News, I officially give up…on everything. Plus, I have a big birthday coming up, and every time I watch this show and remember that Kim Zolciak Biermannclaims to be is a few years younger than I am, I want drown my sorrows in some of her sparkling raspberry moscato. If you’ve had it, you know how badly this realization is for me.
The episode begins with KJ and Kroy building a kite. Kroy is heading off to camp with the Falcons which makes KJ the f$%#&* head of the household. KJ has it covered. He plans to chain Brielle in her room for at least a week. Smart kid. Meanwhile, Brielle and Slade are debating how much a ton weighs, and Kim and Kroy are taking the couple to Kim’s favorite psychic, Rose, so they can figure out the future of their relationship. Kim loves the psychic so much, Kaia’s middle name is Rose. Rose predicts that Brielle will have three kids, a wonderful husband and good fortune…and it’s starting next year. Rose reads Slade’s palm and also sees a marriage within a year. Slade jokes that it will be a really tiny ring then.
We are one episode away from the Don’t Be Tardy finale. Are y’all as stoked as I am? That said, after next week, I’ll spend months wondering if Brielle is really trying navigate Los Angeles all by her lonesome, as well as what curse words KJ has added to his vocabulary! Let’s get started with the recap, shall we?
On the eve of their trip to Los Angeles, Shun swings by the Zolciak-Biermann abode to help style Brielle for her big break. Kim reveals that not only will the mother-daughter duo be visiting E! News, they will also be apartment hunting. Kim divides her time between fawning over Brielle’s fashion and hounding Slade about he’ll survive if his lady love moves permanently to the West Coast. Gloria is taking some time off from being Kim’s bitch assistant so that she can get married. While it’s the most inopportune time for Kim, she’s happy for Gloria. Chef Tracy goad Gloria about how easy her job is, and she offers to do it ten times better in Gloria’s absence. Gloria wishes her luck with an eye roll. Who thinks this chick will make it another season? Wait, why do I expect there to be another season?
So, I’m going to go out on a limb here…Kim Zolciak Biermann wants oldest daughter Brielle to excel in Hollywood (attain her goals with no work, if you will), so she’s decided to make this season of Don’t Be Tardy Brielle’s swan song. Why else would the eighteen-year-old carrot expert and her beau Slade be featured so often? Three seasons from now, it’s going to be all about cursing KJ. The writing is already on the wall people!
Last night’s episode followed Kim and family as they spent the weekend at Slade’s folks’ lake house on Lake Keowee (my stomping ground when I’m home in the Upstate–and my friends with lake houses invite me for an always fun weekend on the water!). Before heading to South Carolina, Kim, who is clearly NOT sporting a new nose…not at all, Brielle and Slade meet with Kim and Kroy to discuss their plans for co-habitating in California. She can’t even make her point before Kroy is dying laughing and Kim saying she won’t fund Brielle giving away her milk for free. Maybe Slade can join her when he pops the question. Silly Kim, Brielle doesn’t drink milk! When she realizes her mother is making a sexual reference, Brielle is grossed out that Slade would want breast milk. Even worse than that statement? Kroy trying to figure out the “why buy the cow” analogy with the help of a producer.