Don’t Be Tardy Recap

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Y’all, I’m torn. On one hand, I enjoy watching a show on Bravo that doesn’t revolve around incessant bickering and pettiness, but on the other hand…that chef, the language, Kim Zolciak Biermann’s new face that she’s denying! What’s up with all of that? Don’t Be Tardy is certainly mindless entertainment, but I feel like it’s also killing my brain cells…but what reality show isn’t these days? :)

Last night’s installment begins with Kroy and the obnoxious chef playing pool as Gloria the assistant brings downstairs the overly excited tiny pups with their red rockets glaring in Kim’s face. As Kim complains about the puppies x-rated doggie parts, one creature pees on Brielle’s bum and everyone gets into an overly ridiculous conversation about how many sacs hold the testicles in both canines and men. Kim has felt the balls and sacs with her pooches and her husband. That’s a tad too much information for this blogger!

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Geez Louise! Just the preview for the upcoming season of Don’t Be Tardy gave me the spins–I’d almost forgotten how quickly that theme song infiltrates your brain and refuses to leave! Good thing I still have some of Kim Zoliciak Biermann’s mango sparkling moscato to get me through the premiere. Kidding…if a bottle of wine goes a week (much less a year) in my house without being opened, there’s a reason. 

The episode begins with Kim and Kroy wrangling their youngest children as KJ helps their full time chef Tracey. Should I be bothered that Tracey just said “ass” in front of a four-year-old? Brielle enters dressed in her mother’s hand-me-downs from the first season of Real Housewives of Atlanta, and in tow is her boyfriend Slade. Yep, there are at least two of them in Bravoland now! He changed his college plans just so he could stay in Atlanta and be close to his love. The family is celebrating Ariana’s constant string of straight As as Brielle brags about being on the top ten list of most absences. With Kroy as a free agent, everyone is frazzled about the possibility of moving, and the older girls are hellbent on staying in Atlanta.

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Oh the Biermanns!

Last night was the season finale of Don't Be Tardy and guess what?! Kim Zolciak is pregnant again. As if we didn't know it already, Wigs n Cigs!

Before the big pregnancy reveal, Kim toted her existing kids to Turks and Caicos to celebrate Brielle's 16th birthday. Proving she is so the daughter of Wigs Delightful, Brielle complained, "It's not the Bahamas, but I'll take it."

Apparently it's not that Brielle has anything against Turks and Caicos, she has something against Kroy Biermann coming along on the vacation, screwing up yet another Wig family tradition. Oh and she really wants a car. 

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On last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy, our favorite wig-wearing delusionite came up with a new reason for why she can't do anything for herself.

Apparently Kim Zolciak now has ADD and it's the all the fault of that pesky birth control chip known as the IUD. So what's a lady of the wigdor to do? Yank it out in the powder room all by herself, y'all! Don't Be Classy!

Things begin with Kim at home roaming around pretending to be busy while the nannies hover in the corner just to the left of screen. In the meantime Brielle is doing everything possible to get Kim's attention while Kim talks about herself and pretends she's sooooooooo busy. Brielle says that now that Kim is married to Kroy Biermann and dealing with the boys she feels like she never gets anytime with her mom alone. 

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Last night on Don't Be Tardy, the Biermann family celebrated Christmas and argued about traditions. See, Kim Zolciak's traditions include dropping thousands upon thousands on tacky Christmas decorations like she lives in the White House where as Kroy Biermann's traditions include embracing the true meaning of Christmas: family and quality time.

Eventually in a Bravo-tized version of The Christmas Carol, Wigenezer Scrooge realizes Christmas isn't about Cartier and $4000 diamond-studded Christmas trees with a LV logo, but about the people you love the most! 

Things begin with Kim trying to convince us she's a young woman of 35 by getting Thermage, a laser face lift. At first I thought Kim must be getting vaginal rejuvenation because her skirt slit was so high she was borderline in need of a black modesty bar to hide the ladybits. I was wrong though – apparently one just wears really revealing clothing to the dermatologist!

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So last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy was all about growing up. And sadly Kim Zolciak doesn't wanna grow up! 

Things begin with a sullen Brielle watching KJ. Brielle decides to entertain him by putting him to work sweatshop labor style as her manicurist. Sadly, KJ's fine motor skills haven't totally refined yet and he gets nail polish all over his face. Hey toddler – go play with some toxic chemicals! Babysitting By Bravo. 

Brielle is grounded from her cell phone, TV, and computer since her grades were bad. And unfortunately it's report card day  and Brielle has failed math and science. She has a 90% in Spanish though which is good since Kim has hired Spanish-speaking nannies and the only thing Kim knows how to say is Tequila and Taco. 

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Welcome to the scripted reality television land of Wigs N Cigs where a 40-something 35-year-old woman has never heard of an IUD and can't get along with her parents to save her life. If you were confused for a second; nope that's not Brielle's storyline – it's Kim Zolciak's!

On last night's installment of Don't Be Tardy, Bravo seemed to prove that the only reason Kim got a second spinoff was to exploit the legal/custodial drama happening with her parents because other than that this show has ZERO going on except for completely fabricated and ridiculous plots. 

So Kim and Kroy Biermann take a walk in the woods and decide they are ready for a third child. I mean what else does Kim have to do; she doesn't work and she has two nannies for her other two kids so she can basically sit around and be prego, ensuring her investments will grow and grow. I believe they call that an "installment plan"? Ask, conceive and receive! 

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Let's all give thanks… Don't Be Tardy style. And what does that entail? Purchasing a pre-packed, pre-sliced turkey from a designer clothing store. More on this later.

On last night's episode Kim Zolciak's daughters were forced to deal with the Sins of the Wig, whose own parents have turned against her in the media over her alleged famewhoring. It was actually sad. 

Things begin with Kim and her girls making something called "slutty brownies". They actually sound amazing. Brielle and Arianna want to make brownies from scratch, Kim argues for boxed mix especially in light of the fact that she doesn't even have sugar in her pantry. 

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