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Don’t Be Tardy Recap

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Oh the Biermanns!

Last night was the season finale of Don't Be Tardy and guess what?! Kim Zolciak is pregnant again. As if we didn't know it already, Wigs n Cigs!

Before the big pregnancy reveal, Kim toted her existing kids to Turks and Caicos to celebrate Brielle's 16th birthday. Proving she is so the daughter of Wigs Delightful, Brielle complained, "It's not the Bahamas, but I'll take it."

Apparently it's not that Brielle has anything against Turks and Caicos, she has something against Kroy Biermann coming along on the vacation, screwing up yet another Wig family tradition. Oh and she really wants a car. 

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On last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy, our favorite wig-wearing delusionite came up with a new reason for why she can't do anything for herself.

Apparently Kim Zolciak now has ADD and it's the all the fault of that pesky birth control chip known as the IUD. So what's a lady of the wigdor to do? Yank it out in the powder room all by herself, y'all! Don't Be Classy!

Things begin with Kim at home roaming around pretending to be busy while the nannies hover in the corner just to the left of screen. In the meantime Brielle is doing everything possible to get Kim's attention while Kim talks about herself and pretends she's sooooooooo busy. Brielle says that now that Kim is married to Kroy Biermann and dealing with the boys she feels like she never gets anytime with her mom alone. 

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Last night on Don't Be Tardy, the Biermann family celebrated Christmas and argued about traditions. See, Kim Zolciak's traditions include dropping thousands upon thousands on tacky Christmas decorations like she lives in the White House where as Kroy Biermann's traditions include embracing the true meaning of Christmas: family and quality time.

Eventually in a Bravo-tized version of The Christmas Carol, Wigenezer Scrooge realizes Christmas isn't about Cartier and $4000 diamond-studded Christmas trees with a LV logo, but about the people you love the most! 

Things begin with Kim trying to convince us she's a young woman of 35 by getting Thermage, a laser face lift. At first I thought Kim must be getting vaginal rejuvenation because her skirt slit was so high she was borderline in need of a black modesty bar to hide the ladybits. I was wrong though – apparently one just wears really revealing clothing to the dermatologist!

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So last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy was all about growing up. And sadly Kim Zolciak doesn't wanna grow up! 

Things begin with a sullen Brielle watching KJ. Brielle decides to entertain him by putting him to work sweatshop labor style as her manicurist. Sadly, KJ's fine motor skills haven't totally refined yet and he gets nail polish all over his face. Hey toddler – go play with some toxic chemicals! Babysitting By Bravo. 

Brielle is grounded from her cell phone, TV, and computer since her grades were bad. And unfortunately it's report card day  and Brielle has failed math and science. She has a 90% in Spanish though which is good since Kim has hired Spanish-speaking nannies and the only thing Kim knows how to say is Tequila and Taco. 

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Welcome to the scripted reality television land of Wigs N Cigs where a 40-something 35-year-old woman has never heard of an IUD and can't get along with her parents to save her life. If you were confused for a second; nope that's not Brielle's storyline – it's Kim Zolciak's!

On last night's installment of Don't Be Tardy, Bravo seemed to prove that the only reason Kim got a second spinoff was to exploit the legal/custodial drama happening with her parents because other than that this show has ZERO going on except for completely fabricated and ridiculous plots. 

So Kim and Kroy Biermann take a walk in the woods and decide they are ready for a third child. I mean what else does Kim have to do; she doesn't work and she has two nannies for her other two kids so she can basically sit around and be prego, ensuring her investments will grow and grow. I believe they call that an "installment plan"? Ask, conceive and receive! 

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Let's all give thanks… Don't Be Tardy style. And what does that entail? Purchasing a pre-packed, pre-sliced turkey from a designer clothing store. More on this later.

On last night's episode Kim Zolciak's daughters were forced to deal with the Sins of the Wig, whose own parents have turned against her in the media over her alleged famewhoring. It was actually sad. 

Things begin with Kim and her girls making something called "slutty brownies". They actually sound amazing. Brielle and Arianna want to make brownies from scratch, Kim argues for boxed mix especially in light of the fact that she doesn't even have sugar in her pantry. 

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Last night on Don't Be Tardy the Zolciak-Biermann fam wrestled with parenting roles and expectations. It seems that Brielle is a child after Kim Zolciak's heart and by that I mean, well… Brielle needs a bit of guidance!

Things begin with Brielle's math tutor showing up. I'm guessing Bravo casting scoured the neo-Reganite Young Republicans club and found the most traditionally "square" looking kid, begged him to come sit at Kim's house and pretend to tutor Brielle in math. I hope they warned him that he may be treated to an eyefull of Kim's lactating boobs, or Kim's boobs bursting out of an ill-fitting top. 

Kim harasses "Phillip" about following Brielle on twitter and allegedly stalking her because he's a fan of Kim. AHAHA! Yeah right. Kim wishes. "As if I would ever let a fan up in my house," Kim tells us. She seems way too devoted to knowing which of Brielle's classmates are interested in her. The answer: none. Is Kim repeating Karen's behaviors now that Brielle is getting older?

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On last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy something I've long believed was confirmed. Kroy Biermann, like children of Victorian England, should be seen and not heard. The more he speaks, the more… just no. 

In other occurrences Kim Zolciak demonstrated more awesome parenting and then got in a big fight with her husband over mirrors. She needs MORE MIRRORS everywhere so she can look at herself MORE TIMES. The naked photos dominating every wall aren't enough?

Things begin with Kim and KJ being cute. Ok, let me rephrase: KJ was being cute and Kim was rocking an In Living Color bandana. That was not cute. Kim tells us she knows nothing about football and since Kroy is going to the Super Bowl (in theory), she better learn the ins and outs of the game. 

I'm pretty sure Kim already has the ins and outs covered which is how she ended up married, prenup-less, with two kids in less than three years. Girl knows the game very, very well! She by SheBroke better recognize! 

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