Let's all give thanks… Don't Be Tardy style. And what does that entail? Purchasing a pre-packed, pre-sliced turkey from a designer clothing store. More on this later.
On last night's episode Kim Zolciak's daughters were forced to deal with the Sins of the Wig, whose own parents have turned against her in the media over her alleged famewhoring. It was actually sad.
Things begin with Kim and her girls making something called "slutty brownies". They actually sound amazing. Brielle and Arianna want to make brownies from scratch, Kim argues for boxed mix especially in light of the fact that she doesn't even have sugar in her pantry.
Last night on Don't Be Tardy the Zolciak-Biermann fam wrestled with parenting roles and expectations. It seems that Brielle is a child after Kim Zolciak's heart and by that I mean, well… Brielle needs a bit of guidance!
Things begin with Brielle's math tutor showing up. I'm guessing Bravo casting scoured the neo-Reganite Young Republicans club and found the most traditionally "square" looking kid, begged him to come sit at Kim's house and pretend to tutor Brielle in math. I hope they warned him that he may be treated to an eyefull of Kim's lactating boobs, or Kim's boobs bursting out of an ill-fitting top.
Kim harasses "Phillip" about following Brielle on twitter and allegedly stalking her because he's a fan of Kim. AHAHA! Yeah right. Kim wishes. "As if I would ever let a fan up in my house," Kim tells us. She seems way too devoted to knowing which of Brielle's classmates are interested in her. The answer: none. Is Kim repeating Karen's behaviors now that Brielle is getting older?
On last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy something I've long believed was confirmed. Kroy Biermann, like children of Victorian England, should be seen and not heard. The more he speaks, the more… just no.
In other occurrences Kim Zolciak demonstrated more awesome parenting and then got in a big fight with her husband over mirrors. She needs MORE MIRRORS everywhere so she can look at herself MORE TIMES. The naked photos dominating every wall aren't enough?
Things begin with Kim and KJ being cute. Ok, let me rephrase: KJ was being cute and Kim was rocking an In Living Color bandana. That was not cute. Kim tells us she knows nothing about football and since Kroy is going to the Super Bowl (in theory), she better learn the ins and outs of the game.
I'm pretty sure Kim already has the ins and outs covered which is how she ended up married, prenup-less, with two kids in less than three years. Girl knows the game very, very well! She by SheBroke better recognize!
Last night on Don't Be Tardy we got a second dose of Kim Zolciak's wedding jumpsuit. As if the over-exposing lace cameltoe monstrosity wasn't bad enough the first time around!
It's Kim and Kroy Biermann's first anniversary. They've been together three years total but they've had three homes, one eviction, one firing, two kids, three hideous wedding outfits, 35,000 legal issues, and um… well I'm sure there's more to come. Love, White Trash Style!
Kim decides to celebrate by recreating key moments in their relationship. Surprisingly they don't all involve wigs, boobs, and fried chicken. Instead she's going to stage a surprise re-wedding at the venue where they first met when Kroy was a participant in Dancing With The Stars Atlanta. In case you don't remember that's first where Kim first fell for that a$$!
Last night I had a nightmare; a giant wig was taking over, smothering me with it's synthetic polyester strands and reeking of olive oil and burnt hair. It emerged from a microwave waving a cigarette in my face. It's tendrils grabbing at me like Ursula from The Little Mermaid, smothering me and whispering 'Biiiiig Poooopa. Don't Be Taaaardy for Biiiig Pooooppppa!' I couldn't escape! It was horrible! It was so frightening. I woke up and realized it wasn't a nightmare. That really happened. And it was called the premiere of Don't Be Tardy: When Wigs Attack. Otherwise known as the Wigs-N-Cigs Variety Show!
So Kim Zolciak-Biermann invaded our screens again last night and the more things change the more they stay the same, eh. In the two-episode series premiere things open with Kim popping out Baby Kash. Yes, she was wearing a wig and stage make-up in the delivery room. No, she did not put down her phone even while crowning. And worst of all, Kroy Biermann was pigging out on fast food while she was having contractions. And that's how Kash emerged forth into the universe. Immediately before giving birth Kim starts directing her daughters to pick up a massive order of ravioli and frappuccinos. And cigarettes and wine.