Just because Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have announced that their baby won't be making its debut courtesy of E!, don't expect that to mean they want little Kimye, Jr. to have some semblance of a normal life. I'm embarrassed to say that I fell under that fallacy (just a tad, tiny, wee bit…).
Don't get me wrong. When a couple spends countless hours and photo ops trying to recreate their own version of a famous statute of Jesus (please click here and take note of how unimpressed the bystanders seem!), I am not expecting their kid to attend public school and play rec soccer at the local YMCA. However, in light of today's Kimye gossip, the child won't have time to play soccer/t-ball/ultimate frisbee because he or she will be spending the majority of time jetting back and forth across the globe to multiple houses. Oh, excuse me. Mansions.
It's not until I hear news like this that I remember how flipping awesome the Olympics were…and now, they're coming back to us (sort of) thanks to Ryan Lochte and (no surprise here) E! Yes, that's right, everyone's himbo with the washboard abs has finally secured his own reality show.
Ryan made a splash (so sorry) in the 2012 Summer Games in London, and he was noticed just as much for his classic good looks, piercing blue eyes, and diamond studded grill as he was for his gold medal winning prowess. Granted, you can practically hear the hamster wheel circling in his head when he tries to form a thought, but he sure is pretty.
Oh, Pauly "DJ Pauly D" Delvecchio…have you been cheating on me? No? Well, you've been cheating on MTV, although I can't say I blame you. You were enticed by the dimples and flashy Kardashian representation that Ryan Seacrest provides. I don't think anyone will judge you.
The acronym creating, high hair wearing, "cabs are heeya" screaming star of Jersey Shore is getting a new show…and it's not on the network that made him an international reality star and a household name. That's right. He's potentially moving on to E! What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to hop to another channel for more money. I'm not hating, Pauly…I want you in my TV line-up regardless.
Seeing that I love all things Law & Order: SVU, I love Ice-T. Coco? She likes to post bootylicious pictures on Twitter that make me slightly uncomfortable. However, when I watch Ice Loves Coco, I truly believe that Ice loves Coco…and she loves him. After all, they have been married for ten years…which is like a decade in Hollywood years.
That said, Ice and Coco are on the rocks thanks to Coco's penchant for tweeting pictures. While Ice likes her butt shots, he doesn't like seeing pictures of his wife snuggled up on another man. Can you blame him? Awkward! What should one do when saddled with inappropriate Twit pics? He should take to Twitter to vent his frustrations, of course!
Can we get a slow clap for everyone's favorite momager Kris Jenner? On the heels of Khloe Kardashian being named an X Factor host alongside Albert Clifford SlaterMario Lopez, we're now learning more about the negotiations–or rather break down in negotiations–that occurred prior to the big announcement.
I, for one, am thrilled to see Khloe separating herself from her sisters in the business world. She needs her own platform to shine, and that will never happen if Kim is involved. I mean, didn't Kim make Khloe's infertility issues about herself when she decided to freeze her eggs so that she could breed on down the line with the tiny rapper? Khloe can't have anything–even a heartbreaking situation–that isn't overshadowed by a certain ego-driven sibling. Mark my words, Khloe and Mario will be sharing strained banter on the upcoming X Factor season, and Kim will streak across the stage, upstaging the next Susan Boyle (yes, I know she was Britain's Got Talent, but her first foray into reality television is still the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Tears.) wearing nothing but Kanye West's $5,000 high tops and a smile. I hate that I can picture it.
Now, we're learning that there is one other person in the family who also needs to reap the headlines when one of her offspring does something right. That's right. Kris Jenner needs to go quietly into the background and watch her creations succeed at…well, just being alive…and talking…in a microphone. Of course, we all know Kris' contract won't allow her to do that!
I apologize in advance for the lengthiness of this post, but we all know that the Kardashian Klan must constantly work to stay in the spotlight. With so many of them, it's like a revolving door of gossip. Bless 'em.
Because things always seem to happen in threes, I have a trio of entertainment to share with you, dear readers. There's a storm a' brewin' on the set of X Factor as now-confirmed hosts Khloe Kardashian and Mario Lopez are having a difficult time fitting their giant wardrobes–and their egos!–into their dressing rooms. Of course, at least they HAVE dressing rooms. Word on the street is that Kim Kardashian and sister Kourtney will have to slum it on the upcoming season of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami due to a slight "misunderstanding" with South Beach. That misunderstanding being that no one in South Beach wants the Kardashian sisters around.
Last but not least, rapper Kanye West was visiting his girlfriend in her new digs when he found himself competing for attention with her former beau NFL player Reggie Bush. It's like an awesomely bad episode of Melrose Place!
Oh the curse of the Kardumphries. Ever since Kim Kardsahian said “I do” to basketballer Kris Humphries in a million dollar E! sponsored wedding, the same property has seen a lull in wedding wannabees. Are you surprised?
Who would line up to wed at a place where the most famous wedding that took place there ended after less than three months? Maybe I would…if the venue paid me to do so, but I’m desperate. Duh.
Oh Kartrashians…you say one thing and then do another. Perhaps that is why you are ridiculously hated rich, while I just have the privilege of writing about you. Me? I say one thing, and then, well, do it. Even it’s just taking out the trash. “I’m taking out the trash.” And then I take out the trash. But that’s just me, and my example regarding trash is in no way a comparison to your empire. Or is it?
Just when you were regaining the tiniest smidgen of respect for Khloe Kardashian for shelving Khloe and Lamar in order to work on her marriage, you may want to rethink your stance. HollywoodLife.com reminds us that Khloe and her famewhoring sisters stopped by Jay Leno this week, where Khloe dropped a bomb I was totally not expecting.
She told Jay, “I understand people have to sell magazines, but I didn’t pull the plug on any show, it’s not ending. I just said I wanted the summer for ourselves and to be with family and spend time his kids. Tryouts are in the first week of July. They only take 12, but to be in the top 12 is like a Grammy nomination. I didn’t pull the plug, let’s just call it a hiatus.” So does this mean there is a future for Khloe and Lamar? Granted, it’s the only Kardashow I actually don’t hate myself for watching, but I was so proud to see her bucking Kris Jenner the system that I hate to see her back pedal. But I guess it’s in the genes, so I can’t fault her much.