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Last week on Teen MomTyler Baltierra tried to movtivate (pressure?) Catelynn Lowell to get ready for college, Maci Bookout, umm, did nothing, Farrah Abraham met Daniel, and Amber Portwood went home to Indiana after being in paradise (rehab?) for 60 days.

Catelynn and Tyler Take Care of April

Well, Butch is back in jail. April breaks the news to Tyler. April calls, she barely says one word, and Tyler does one of his overreactions. Sometimes, I feel like Tyler is merely playing a character that he thinks we think is cute and edearing. Anyway, according to April, Butch came by her place, looking like he was on something (you don’t say?!), and he freaked out on her. April tells Tyler she’s all brused up. Tyler texts Catelynn while she’s at work to let her know.

Catelynn visits April. April says she and Butch were just hanging out and drinking beers. Then, April’s friend called her, Butch assumed April was talking to Nick’s dad, and “one thing led to another” - April shows Catelynn the bruises on her arm and the hole from Butch smashing April’s head into the bathroom wall. The toilet is also broken. April claims Butch held a rolled up towel against her neck. April knows they shouldn’t have been together but… you know, you know. She says “you know” repeatedly. Catelynn tells April their relationship is toxic because they enable each other. April says, “But… I love him.” Then she says she hates him and starts crying.

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Last week on Teen Mom, we saw Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra deal with Butch, Maci Bookout enroll Bentley in preschool, Farrah Abraham and her sister confront Debra about her bad parenting, after Sophia hilariously painted Farrah’s poor dog hot pink, and Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley work through Amber’s continued anger issues.

Tyler Pressures Catelynn About School

Tyler and Catelynn are hanging with two friends, Drew and Starr. Starr is an odd one, offering her “taco” and “hot sauce” to the dog. Tyler lets them know Butch had to leave the trailer park. The park had the audacity to accuse him of drinking beer. Butch was like, “Oh, no! I will not have them saying I drink beer. I told them, my drug of choice is cocaine.” It’s quite shocking, actually, that they didn’t make an exception on the spot. Hell, they should have made him trailer park monitor with those credentials. So, Butch is on the loose in Detroit, and Tyler and Catelynn have been relieved of their babysitting duties. Tyler is just hoping for the best for his Pop at this point. This is the closest Butch has come to not being on parole in twenty years.

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Last night’s Teen Mom wasn’t quite as depressing as I thought it would be, so that’s a plus right?  There were other pluses too…a dog got painted, Maci finally realized Bentley needed to socialize with kids his own age, Amber decided to stick it out in rehab, and Butch reveals that he isn’t a big drinker.  Just wait.

Farrah Abraham is a Less Than Happy Hostess

Farrah’s sister Ashley is visiting her in Florida.  Her mom will be arriving in the next few days for a visit.  Farrah reveals that she and Sophia have a more better place to live in Florida than she ever had at her mom’s house.  Yes, yes, Farrah.  It’s way more better.  How’s school?

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Last week on Teen Mom, we saw Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra welcome home Butch, Maci Bookout crash Bentley’s vacation with his dad, Farrah Abraham try dating, and Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley get therapy.

Catelynn’s Unfortunate Fashion Choices

If you blinked, grabbed a snack, or called Iowa to warn them Farrah was on the way, you probably missed Catelynn‘s contribution to this episode.

Butch announces he’s off to find a job.  That’s the end of the Butch scenes, which is a darn shame.  Next week’s previews show Butch flabbergasted that somebody ran a background check on him, so he’s either having issues finding employment or he’s heading back to the slammer.

Catelynn’s grandmother comes for a visit.  While she’s there, Catelynn and Tyler‘s adoption counselor Dawn calls to invite them to attend an adoption support group meeting.  I was really hoping Catelynn’s grandmother and Dawn were setting Catelynn up, and instead of  support group, they were whisking her away to What Not To Wear.

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Amber Portwood just can’t catch a break.  Not only is the Teen Mom star serving time in prison, she’s about to undergo an examination of her “medical, psychological, mental, and emotional health” which could last several weeks.  HollywoodLife.com is reporting that during that time, Amber will not be allowed to have any visitors…and that includes four-year-old daughter Leah.

Douglas S. Garrison, the Chief Communications Officer of the Indiana Department of Corrections, tells the site, “During this diagnostic process time, Amber is not allowed any visitors, including her baby daughter. However, she is allowed to make out-going phone calls.”

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Last week on MTV‘s Teen Mom, we saw Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra graduate, Maci Bookout invite herself on the Edward’s family vacation with Bentley, Farrah Abraham adopt a puppy, and Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley contemplate the future of their relationship.

It was mind numbing – at best.

This week must be the Teen Mom beach special.  With the exception of Catelynn and Tyler, who are busy caring for their new bundle of joy, all of the crazy kids, plus adult Farrah, are at the beach.

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Thankfully, Teen Mom wasn’t nearly as depressing this week. Last week’s premiere of Teen Mom was a train wreck.  This week, instead of weeping like a fool, I sat completely dumbfounded.   These girls have come so far yet have gone nowhere.  How is that possible? I spent the bulk of the hour resisting the urge to bang my own head against a wall.

At least the super adorable and maturing (someone has to, right?) toddlers bring a new aspect to the show.  Too bad we can’t just watch them and skip their parents.  Let’s pitch ‘Dr. Drew’s Daycare’ to MTV.

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I just hit play on the first episode of the last season of the first Teen Mom.  Did you get all of that?  It’s bittersweet.  While I hardly think being on this show is healthy for Maci Bookout, Farrah Abraham, Amber Portwood, or Catelynn Lowell, I’m going to miss the show.

I’m holding onto the knowledge that Barbara, Jenelle Evan’s always amusing mom, will be back on my TV soon enough on Teen Mom 2.  As long as I have Barbara in my life, I think I’ll be able to cope without Teen Mom.  If Teen Mom 2 ever is canceled, I’m going to need therapy to learn how to go on with my life. Take a deep breath, grab the tissues, and let’s start the beginning of the end.

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