Jacqueline Laruita

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Shady Beach

They’re back and bronzer than ever! The Real Housewives Of New Jersey started season eight with new housewife  Margaret Josephs and the resurrected career of Danielle Staub ready to mix things up with the nuttiest broads the Garden State has to offer: Teresa Giudice, Melissa Gorga, Siggy Flicker, and Dolores Catania. (Pause here to observe a quick moment of silence for Jacqueline Laurita, who is likely still watching last night’s premiere in a loop on her bedroom TV while she drinks BLK Water and screams into her pillow.)

We start the premiere super-sized episode on a sad note for Teresa and Joe Gorga, who lost their mom this past year after she contracted pneumonia. Teresa cries that her mom was a fighter, but caring and loving too. She would want her family to be strong after her passing, which is what Teresa plans to be as she handles her four daughters, Audriana, Milania, Gabriella, and Gia, solo while Joe Giudice is serving his prison sentence. Or away at “camp,” as the ruse goes.

Teresa and Melissa

Last night the Christmas spirt came to Real Housewives Of New Jersey, and also a New Year brought a new attitude, and Teresa Giudice was giving out her forgiveness wrapped in tissue-filled boxes and tied with a prison-issued bow. Too bad that forgiveness felt as natural as an ingrown toenail. 

Of course, in the land that Teresa built on fraud and false promises, it is not Jesus’ birthday we’re celebrating, but the day she came back to life by being released from prison. Jacqueline Laurita, who sooooo does not care about Teresa AT ALL, is watching the news coverage with tears in her eyes. Jacqueline apparently needed Dolores Catania and a bouquet of flowers to deal with these emotions. Jacqueline’s tears turned sour at the paparazzi snaps of Teresa being rewarded for surviving prison with a BRAND NEW LEXUS (said in Bob Barker’s voice)! Is there a bumper sticker that says, “Mommy went to prison and all we got was this luxury SUV.”  

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